Me and my girlfriend have been together for years and from the very beginning, I was always open and honest about my values. I’m a traditional kind of guy and I strongly believe that sex should be something shared after marriage, not because of religion or anyone else’s expectations but because it’s something I personally feel is sacred. When we first got together, I told her about this and she told me she respected it. She even said she felt the same way and was also willing to wait until marriage. For a long time, I really believed we were on the same page. Everything was going great until over time, she started making little comments like “don’t you ever wonder what it’s like” or “if we’re already planning a future together, does it really matter when it happens.” I always reminded her calmly that I still wanted to wait and every time, she said she understood. But last year, on our anniversary, she planned this super romantic night. I thought it was just dinner and a hotel stay to celebrate, but when I walked in and saw the setup, I instantly knew she had something else in mind. She had candles, wine, soft music, and she was all dressed up, acting extra flirty. I was caught off guard but tried to keep things light, until she started kissing me more seriously and touching me in a way she never had before. I gently reminded her again that I wasn’t ready for that step, but she kept saying things like “we’ve been together for so long” and “this night is perfect for it.” I froze. I didn’t want to hurt her or make her feel rejected or unappreciated so I gave in, even though deep down, I knew I wasn’t okay. During the entire thing, I felt disconnected, uncomfortable, and honestly kind of numb. She kept calling it beautiful and saying how close she felt to me, but inside I felt like I betrayed myself. After it was over, she cuddled me and kept saying how “perfect” it was, and I just stayed silent, feeling like I couldn’t say how I really felt. Ever since that night, she brings it up like a core memory between us, and every time she does, I feel this heavy weight in my chest. I know this might not sound too real to some people because society paints guys like we’re always ready for sex and always craving it, but to me, I really do believe that there’s a perfect time for it and that moment should come with genuine readiness and peace of heart. I didn’t feel either of those things that night. Now I’m left wondering if I’m the bad guy for not pushing harder to say no or if she’s wrong for going against something we both agreed on and slowly pressuring me into it anyway. I never verbally said no, but I also never truly said yes. AITAH for still feeling hurt and confused about something that was supposed to be “special” for both of us?
AITAH for NOT ENJOYING my first time even though my GF said she’d wait until marriage too, but still insisted we do it anyway?
r/AITAH
Comments
Three words. She raped you.
NTA. No means no. You were raped. If she is this disrespectful of you in this moment, is this really the girl for you?
nta like you said not anything but an enthusiastic yes is a no, you were coerced. whether or not she agrees with your beliefs, she should have respected them because you set a boundary.
You are of course NTA for feeling that way, but you should really tall to her about the situation. It will probably hurt her but no means no. Your girlfriend did not respect your values and is delusional.
NTA she knew your boundaries yet she still pushed and eventually you gave in due to the situation she put you in. It is find to be a bit less trusting now to to the idea that she may break other of your set boundaries
NTA. Big-time. Friend, if you weren’t an enthusiastic yes she should never have pressured you. You were coerced into sex. Coercive sex is considered rape legally in some places. Truly, I suggest speaking to a therapist about it, and if you still wish to stay together, you need to have not just a long and deep talk with your gf, but consider couples counseling or else there may always be unresolved resentment in your relationship.
I have been coerced into sex with someone I under different circumstances would have been ok with. It messed with me too. It is completely understandable and normal. In no way are you the asshole but she is, even if she truly doesn’t realize it. Intent does not negate impact.
You were assaulted dear. I believe it might be time to move on to someone who actually respects your boundaries and understands the word no the first time you say it. Also seek therapy to process everything here it will be very helpful 🙁
Your girlfriend is a POS and doesn’t respect you or your boundaries in the slightest. I would even push this toward being coercive sexual assault.
This will not be the last time she pushes your boundaries. Think about if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
The fact she couldn’t tell or just didn’t care about the fact you were clearly uncomfortable is truly worrying.
NTA just because you are a man doesn’t mean you can’t say no and even withdraw consent, including during sex. I’m sorry that this happened to you, you were pressured into sex and you were put in a position where you felt like you couldn’t say no. Worse you had someone you love and trusted not respect your no. The first no was the only one you should have had to say. This is sexual assault.
My guy you were raped, NTA and it’s understandable your emotions around this are all over the place. First things first, SHE NEEDS TO GO.
You’re not at fault for feeling betrayed and confused. Address this with her calmly, but firmly, she needs to understand consent isn’t up for debate.
Nta sounds like you were coerced into doing something you didnt want. Sounds like rape
Paragraphs are your friend. NTA
NTA. She took advantage of you. Almost like you were raped
That is not at all ok. Sex after coersion is not consensual.
NTA. You were manipulated into doing something you told her you didn’t want to do.
You need to explain to her that what she did is sexual assault and rape. This is not okay at all and should not be acceptable in your head. The person you love most should not be the one to break your trust, push your boundaries and sexually assault you when you weren’t ready or even wanting it. I would highly recommend talking to a therapist to just get some more insight and emotional knowledge on what you experienced and how you may or might feel. Let your gf know that what she did is inexcusable, and it’s really up to you if you want to continue to be with someone who raped and sexually assaulted you with no care about how you felt just their own sexual gratification
If the sexes were reversed we’d be calling for you to be torn apart by wild dogs. Just because she’s a woman doesn’t make it ok.
Yta should have broke up with her after you realized you two weren’t compatible and you weren’t going to give her what she wanted a long time ago.
NTA
I totally disagree with your stance on sex, but that is a me thing. I don’t have to agree with your view on it to accept and respect your feelings on the matter. I am sorry that your partner does not share that respect. They are the one you should be able to trust the most with stuff like this. She so very deliberately planed and then proceeded to bulldoze through all of your boundaries. She does not respect you. I am so sorry this happened to you.
I had a friend like this and she was waiting too.
I asked her if she went to go buy a house, would she just go and stand in front of it, never going in, just looking at it from the sidewalk before deciding to buy?
This is an incredibly important person in your life, you need to know the ins and outs of who they are. Some people find out they have zero and I mean ZERO sexual chemistry during sex. Why on Earth would you wait until you’re married. That being said, your first time is also your first time with her, do it again, it’s sex, keep everything including your religion out of it. I’m not saying that disparagingly, that’s just the one place you don’t need to feel judged or have any expectations, ask him to leave the room.
If you personally weren’t ready for this, it’s a shame that she pushed you into it. For the people calling it ‘rape,’ stop and think about what that verb really means. Classic rape is a crime of violence; it’s not sexual at all. The fact that long term GF set the scene as romantic and is now thrilled with the memory means that she was perceiving it as a loving gesture which unfortunately backfired. Sounds like she doesn’t have any ‘issues’ regarding sex, and because of the way this played out, it made your doubts worse and that’s a shame.
There’s nothing wrong with a healthy young woman wanting sex in a long term relationship but if you felt coerced, that’s a problem that will come between the two of you. You have to tell her how you feel in order to go forward, and I imagine there will be some therapy for you that is needed, and even for the both of you together. You may be mismatched as far as sexual appetite goes, and that’s OK, too. Better to find out ahead of time.
You were raped. I am so sorry. NTA at all
I didn’t catch how many ‘years’ you have been together. I think you should cut her loose and find someone else that has no sex drive to match your lack of. It seems very sterile to be together for years with no sex, and now you resent her for her sex drive. I don’t think you will ever ‘get over’ how you think she raped you. This is one of those ‘if the sexes were reversed’ exercises for AI programming.
YTA.
You knew you weren’t ready and still went thru with it.
Now you have regrets and potential resentment over this.
She is a soft AH for “catching you off guard” but really. It’s expected in a mature and growing relationship for the next steps to happen.
Even if you didn’t want to do all the bases with her, you could have stood on your boundary and still played a bit. Or fully declined making it clear your head was still where it was at.
Now if you do tell her your true feeling the whole moment and experience will be ruined for both of you.
It isn’t her fault for loving you and wanting that connection.
It isn’t your fault for having the boundaries you do.
It is your fault you let someone cross your boundary to now be in the position you are currently in.
I’m demi. I physically cannot sleep with people I feel no connections to. I couldn’t imagine being that disconnected during sexual activities to the point where I would have stopped and respectfully told her I needed to leave type energy.
I really hope you two can have a mature conversation going forward.
You want to wait for marriage and she was aware but put together a plan for a private night . She must be getting the wrong impression from you because she thinks you just needed opportunity . If two people are feeling totally different things then something is not right with the communication
Never put the pussy on a pedestal
Truth is….if you were truly not into it, you wouldn’t have been able to get it up / keep it up. How you feel afterwards is completely valid. With that said, societal norms says if you bring it up than you’re the A. Women are 9/10 always right. Welcome to being a man, dues are due on the 1st of each month. Good luck
You are NTA. I don’t share your exact POV, sex is dope IMO, but with the obvious caveat that all involved parties should be enthusiastically consenting. You were not at all enthusiastically consenting. Your girlfriend knew that and did it anyway, putting you in a position where it was harder for you to say no. That’s wrong, regardless of the genders involved. You were more or less lied to by her for years. Might want to get out op.
YTA Because you went along with it and now you’re kind of punishing her and yourself for something you decided to do. I personally think your stance is a bit nuts, but setting that aside you still made a decision to participate. Are you saying she raped you? That she somehow held you down and rode you against your will? Unless that’s what happened, you were a willing participant. That’s on you, not her. As for how you feel about it, you are NTA for your feelings, you never are. However, it also sounds like you’re straining the relationship over a decision you made to go forward by participating with her.
Frankly, if you’re putting off sex until marriage why EXACTLY are you putting off marriage? That would be my real question. Maybe you’re not sure she is the one and you’ve been wasting everybody’s time. If you’re sure, pull the trigger. All of this garbage about waiting until you are ready to get married will mean you never get married. There will always be an excuse. Not enough money. Focusing on my job. Blah blah blah.
I’m so sorry, you were taken advantage of. This isn’t love, this isn’t a way to treat you carefully. You deserve to be with someone who not only shares your beliefs but also respects them.
NTA. I personally think you’re weird and waiting until marriage is a very bad idea. I also think it’s pretty sad that you didn’t stand up for yourself, but you’re not an asshole.
> it’s something I personally feel is sacred
lmao I’m sorry but idk if anyone could ever call the things my wife and I do and did long before marriage “sacred”
But anyway, you’re NTA at all, she pushed you to do something you’re uncomfortable with and it’s no surprised you’re still uncomfortable with it
If the genders were swapped in this situation the internet would be screaming you’ve been raped
I know other people are saying it, and I know there’s no good way to hear it, but this was assault. You may not feel like you said “no” the right way, I know I didn’t, but anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a no. This was coercion. You said no by telling her time and time again that you weren’t ready until marriage. You said no that night when you told her, yet again, that you weren’t ready. Sweetie, you did say no. She just ignored you.
I won’t tell you what to do with your relationship, but I do think you should consider therapy for your own sake.
Wishing you lots of luck and healing. I’m so sorry you had to suffer this 😞❤️🩹
IMO sex is NOT always enjoyable.
It could be that sex just isn’t your thing or it could be that you not really wanting it made it shit.
NTA either way.
NTA- I would highly recommend talking to a therapist if you haven’t already to help process things. If you want to talk to your girlfriend about it (which isn’t necessary- you could just break up with her for not respecting boundaries), a therapist could help coming up with a way to discuss it. However, I would like to warn you that a conversation with your girlfriend about it will likely not go well- people do not like to admit that they violated others consent in ways you experienced
You were each other’s first so it should have been special… vows or not.
You also could have said no.
She’s waited years.
How many years you gonna wait to get married?
Yta
She didn’t force you.
Not only does society paint guys as always ready and eager to have sex, society also paints guys as potential villains in a situation of rape, yet never the victim. If the roles were reversed, your girlfriend was a dude, and you a woman, it would be much easier to call this for what it is: rape. But because you’re a man, people might even tell you to “man up” or “don’t be such a pussy”. I haven’t read any comments for fear of what I might read, but I have a male friend who was assaulted by a gay “friend” of his and was told these things.
But your story is a classic example that men aren’t always the villains. And women aren’t always the victims. What she did to you was rape. You didn’t say “no” but you reminded her of your boundary and that you’re uncomfortable with this, yet she coerced you into doing it and completely disrespected your boundaries. That means you didn’t say “yes”, definitely not wholeheartedly and willingly. And that, not saying yes but being coerced, it’s exactly why this is rape. No wonder you didn’t enjoy the experience and felt disconnected. Your choice and values were taken from you. I am so sorry that this had to be your first experience.
I would suggest breaking up. And if you feel badly traumatized go for therapy, because you have every right to heal from this trauma as female rape victim and if anyone were to tell you to man up, I’d love to give them the finger on your behalf because that is never a proper response to rape. And if it helps, don’t count this experience. The time will come you meet a girl who is truly willing to wait with you. Granted it will be difficult to find a girl with such values but they’re out there, not just in religious circles. And when you make love on your wedding night, it will be your first experience with actually making love. What you experienced now hasn’t been your first experience with making love, it’s been your first experience with sexual assault. It’s a painful experience as she took something from you that you can’t get back. But once you meet your soulmate and marry her, you’ll have still something special that your girlfriend – hopefully soon to be ex-girlfriend – couldn’t get from you: your consent and your pleasure.
You got raped bro