My boyfriend and I are Canadians living in Germany for the last 3 years. While here, we had our two kids aged 2 and 10 months. Although we make a decent living, we are big planners and enjoy knowing what we have coming up. This year, we made the decision to only go back to visit our family and friends in Canada either in December or January 2026 because that’s when we would have time off from work and my boyfriend’s handball league, as well as be able to maximize our visit to around 3 week’s time. As you can imagine, flying over 8 hours with two young ones isn’t for the faint of heart.
Last week, my boyfriend’s brother and gf decided that after 17 years together, and two young kids (aged exactly like ours), they wanted to get married! Yay!!! Except, they wanted to do it ASAP this SEPT OR OCT. they are telling us that they won’t have the wedding without us and that our presence is super important to them (they don’t have any friends and my bf would be the best man). In normal circumstances this would be something so exciting and we would be over the moon to help them plan.
The issue we have is, in September, our eldest starts his first year at German Kindergarten (huge change from daycare) and our youngest starts daycare (in Germany this is a 4 week progressive integration which must be done without interruption if I am to start back to work in October), I will be starting work and my boyfriend will be starting his new position at work. Not to mention the fact that we wouldn’t be able to stay in Canada for more than a week since my bf plays handball competitively and the season starts in September as well. We would also need to pay for a place to stay for the week as well as purchase airfare during high season.
I know some might say that 6 months is sufficient time to plan, but for us, not only is the timing really inconvenient, we feel like their reason for doing it right away and not postponing based on the fact that they don’t know if she’ll be pregnant or postpartum next year, is such a weak argument. Everybody else attending is so flexible, and they are saying our presence is so important, yet they are not willing to move the date a little bit more because of a hypothetical scenario.
My main issues are:
– timing is very difficult for us
– big expense for a visit we won’t be able to fully enjoy
– we would be going back home yet be unable to do much else than attend and participate in their wedding festivities
Please help!!!
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My boyfriend and I are Canadians living in Germany for the last 3 years. While here, we had our two kids aged 2 and 10 months. Although we make a decent living, we are big planners and enjoy knowing what we have coming up. This year, we made the decision to only go back to visit our family and friends in Canada either in December or January 2026 because that’s when we would have time off from work and my boyfriend’s handball league, as well as be able to maximize our visit to around 3 week’s time. As you can imagine, flying over 8 hours with two young ones isn’t for the faint of heart.
Last week, my boyfriend’s brother and gf decided that after 17 years together, and two young kids (aged exactly like ours), they wanted to get married! Yay!!! Except, they wanted to do it ASAP this SEPT OR OCT. they are telling us that they won’t have the wedding without us and that our presence is super important to them (they don’t have any friends and my bf would be the best man). In normal circumstances this would be something so exciting and we would be over the moon to help them plan.
The issue we have is, in September, our eldest starts his first year at German Kindergarten (huge change from daycare) and our youngest starts daycare (in Germany this is a 4 week progressive integration which must be done without interruption if I am to start back to work in October), I will be starting work and my boyfriend will be starting his new position at work. Not to mention the fact that we wouldn’t be able to stay in Canada for more than a week since my bf plays handball competitively and the season starts in September as well. We would also need to pay for a place to stay for the week as well as purchase airfare during high season.
I know some might say that 6 months is sufficient time to plan, but for us, not only is the timing really inconvenient, we feel like their reason for doing it right away and not postponing based on the fact that they don’t know if she’ll be pregnant or postpartum next year, is such a weak argument. Everybody else attending is so flexible, and they are saying our presence is so important, yet they are not willing to move the date a little bit more because of a hypothetical scenario.
My main issues are:
Please help!!!
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> AITAH for saying we might not go to my BIL’s wedding because it is going to be during our busiest time of the year? We have spoken on the phone and I have also written a long, loving message, to explain our position. We don’t want them to move it because of us, we just cannot attend if they choose to do it at that moment. My SIL is distraught and feeling very hurt and will not answer my message. I don’t know what else to do! She is very dear to me but this timing really isn’t ideal for us sadly.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You can let them know when you’re available for their wedding. If they want you there, they’ll make it work. Otherwise, send a gift and wish them well
> My SIL is distraught and feeling very hurt and will not answer my message.
If she hasn’t responded, then how do you know she’s distraught and hurt? Maybe she’s simply gathering her thoughts, discussing with her fiancé, etc.
She’s not an asshole for planning her wedding and you’re not an asshole if you can’t attend. And until/unless she comes at you for the decision, there’s no real conflict.
I would send husband on his own.
NTA. You’ve given several reasons why it’s inconvenient to attend. Either way, they’ve waited 17 yrs. They can wait a few more months if your attendance is really that necessary.
If your presence is so critical, they would understand this and offer to change. Don’t give in on this. Would all those people do the same for you? Probably not. That said, this is not “last minute” as much as it is ill-timed. Send a gift and wish them the best.
If your BF and his brother are close or get along well, I find your excuses to be just that. Your kids are young – it matters not if they miss that week of school/day care. If you guys can go for a week, why not go to support?
You’re making it about you going for a longer time or having fun etc. However, it’s a sibling and if they matter you turn up.
Also, I really hate you calling their reason for not delaying their wedding to accommodate you a weak argument when yours sound silly to me.
Any how you look at this you and your BF can make this trip, it will cost, it will be inconvenient, you won’t get all the fun you want out of it but you can actually do this.
Also, it’s not about you – it’s about your BF’s relationship with his brother.
YTA – for your reasons and your judgment.
NTA I’m sorry but rushing after being together for 17 years seems pretty foolish to me. They are already long established as a couple and they already have children. I assume there’s no beloved grandparent on their deathbed that needs to see them get married before passing. So no actual reason the short timing is necessary. Stop giving them reasons, the reasons don’t matter to them. All you have to say “We are unavailable for that date. We will miss you.” Rinse, repeat, and end conversations if they try to guilt you.
NAH
You guys seem to have a lot to deal with in Sept and Oct, and from the post it doesn’t seem like they did anything hurtful or mean and they’re just trying to set up the wedding as best as they can, also worth considering that even though they mentioned a reason for why they can’t do it any other time it doesn’t mean it’s the only reason and there might be other things at play here.
I think a reasonable way to go about it is to first of all communicate through video/phone call, you both have kids and it’s probably hard to find time because of the time zone differences but a call would be way more effective than back and forth texting(from personal experience) and a conversation can derail and heat up way quicker in text.
Second of all you should consider a compromise, like someone here suggested sending just your husband could be one solution, or maybe them moving on with the wedding without you and you guys can have your own little event once you have the time to visit.
Honestly, I get your reasons and attending is always a choice and not a requirement but I personally don’t think they are good enough to justify not going.
Yes the timing is inconvenient but it’s a little bit outrageous that you think a wedding should be planned around your best availability. It’s a once in a lifetime event for an immediate family member that you are getting sufficient notice to make arrangements. You and your schedule are not the most important considerations in this event and I think the bride and groom’s reasoning for wanting it when they want it is perfectly sound. Additionally, while the timing is annoying for you it’s far from impossible, you just don’t want to put yourselves out.
If you don’t go I hope everyone remembers this for when you host important life events. You are setting the precedent that being mildly inconvenienced justifies non attendance and I hope that one day blows up in your face.
NTA. I would have your boyfriend go solo for a short trip.
I wouldn’t even try to make it with kids that young.
I’d send the husband on his own.
Don’t feel any obligation to go. Tell them that with your new jobs you simply take time off and that you hope to see a lot of them the next time you are home. Then send a nice cash present.
You are NTA.
This is very simple and if your in laws do not quickly and easily understand, they are behaving badly.
You are not able to travel overseas in October. The end. You are delighted to celebrate them from afar. You also are able to commit to a wedding in January 2026 if they want to have it when you can be there. Tell them that kindly and with joyful support of either choice. Again, if they don’t accept that answer you need to end the conversation because they are being manipulative and unreasonable.
Look, you’re not TA based on having your own needs. But reading between the lines here is weird for me.
IDK do you even like them? It sounds like you’re kind of self centered about this or really making up reasons not to go. Like I can tell you DON’T want to go, unless it is 100% on your time and terms. Weddings aren’t ABOUT one guest couple, its about the couple and people wanting to celebrate them.
– yes, despite being together 17 years they are allowed to want to be married asap if they want. Its their relationship.
– Their wedding isn’t about you.
-The fact that they have kids the same age is irrelevant to the story.
– Handball over brother? Really?
– You make a decent living. That statement makes me feel like you know you can afford it. You just don’t want to, because you don’t have “time” to “plan” in 7 months.
– You’re the ones that moved. That puts the onus on you to travel home for happy occasions.
The ONLY thing valid here is the new jobs, but my family and friends in Germany are super happy about the time off and flexibility they get with their jobs when they ask for dates and things. Its way better than us.
Honestly, don’t go. Because I don’t see you putting aside your irritation and anxiety over this to support the happy couple. Or send boyfriend without you.
Send your husband and save yourself the grief. They’ve been together 17 years? It’s a formality at this point.
NTA
When someone insists that family members living in a different country /must/ attend a wedding, they genuinely need to give at least a year’s notice.
Traveling anywhere with two young children is difficult and time consuming and expensive.
Traveling from overseas is much more so, and you have been very clear on exactly how this impacts your family.
Anyone telling you that you are required to be at a wedding, but they’re not going to change anything to make it possible for you to attend is being unreasonable.
The bride and groom get to issue invitations, and those being invited get to decide for themselves whether or not they can afford to do so.
The only compromise suggestion I have is that if it’s at all possible, your boyfriend can go by himself.
Other than that, you need to get him on the same page, because they’re asking you to turn your entire lives upside down at extreme expense for their own convenience. And if he’s willing to cave to that, you’ve got serious relationship issues.
NTA. There doesn’t seem to be any reason that they want to have the wedding in Sept/Oct. other than that they just want to. Which is fine.
Yet it is extremely important to them that you be there. They need to be amenable to either changing wedding dates to accommodate you, or accepting that you can’t be there.
(That said, it is kind of hard not to eyeroll at your BF’s competitive handball schedule being one to the reasons it doesn’t work for you.)
NTA, they can either accept your decline or they can postpone a couple months to accommodate you. If they won’t get married without you present, they know when you plan to visit. 🤷🏻♀️
After 17 years, if you’re so valuable, they can wait till it’s a good time for you and your family.
NTA. Just because they gave you 6 months notice does not change the outcome of it clashing with your kids’ needs and your own obligations.
Having kids is another level of planning. My MIL has been on my husband’s case for 2 years to come to visit them. Well, we do not travel over Christmas because our kid has activities that require travel in December. She has sports and school throughout the year and the biggest time off she has from both school and sports is in the absolute HEIGHT of my husband’s busiest season at work. We all lived in the same state when our kid was born, we didn’t move away. They retired to a sunny place which is absolutely their choice and right, but our work and our life isn’t compatible with their wishes to see us on their timeline.
You know you’re not an asshole for having made your life where you are and you can’t change how time works. They can get married in the window you are visiting though. That works pretty well for a lot of people I know.
Nta. I’m sorry, but based on personal experience with my own wedding, 6mo isn’t nearly at much time as they think it is to plan such an event. If your presence is as critical as they claim, then, they should be more flexible in planning. Handball season starts around the same time every year, so it’s wild to me they would plan a wedding during that time,while claiming to super duper want you and bf there, knowing your partner would be dealing with practices and pre season games. Not too mention your own personal life!
“Hey BIL and future SIL, we are so happy to hear you guys are getting married and we would love to be there and support you guys. You’re talking Sept/Oct. unfortunately this is a fully committed time for us and only hubby would be able to make it out for a few days for this event. We have been planning to visit Dec/jan, with tentative dates of ….. I’m not asking you to postpone until then, but if you would like both of us to attend, this is when we would both be able to make it. We hold no hard feelings and look forward to being able to celebrate with you in person, over zoom or other streaming and after the fact when we can come out.”
You’ve then said that their said months won’t work and given them the alternatives. If they ask, then you can explain everything. But you’ve given what you can and it’s up to them to choose how they want to proceed.
NTA.
I think your BIL and SIL can get married when you are home in December or January, or get married without you. After all, they’ve been together 17 years, so what’s another 3 months.
Tell them you can’t make Sept. but can make Dec.
Have you ever traveled that far with young kids? The 2 year old has to have own seat, so you are essentially paying for 3 seats plus baby on lap? It will be a disaster. I would send husband for a week
I have a lot of relatives overseas (I’m in the UK, I have relatives in the US and Thailand), and when I got married we had to send out our invitations at shorter notice than we would have liked for a variety of reasons. We decided to set up a zoom link for the ceremony so that our loved ones could be part of the day from a distance without needing to travel (or come to a big gathering if they were covid vulnerable) – when we sent the invites we just asked guests to either RSVP in person, RSVP for the video link or decline. It worked really well! My family could be part of our day when they’d otherwise really struggle to be. I don’t know if that would work for your brother-in-law?
NTA anyway, I say with personal experience that an invitation is not a summons at the best of times, however well loved the inviter and invitee are, but also if you decide to have a pretty short notice wedding then part of what you have decided is that less people you love are going to be able to make it, for a whole host of reasons, and you have to understand that and know you’re okay with it or whatever workarounds (like a video link etc) you can come up with.
If they won’t have the wedding without you, then they can postpone.
NTA. I would suggest they fly to you to get married if it’s so important that your family is there.
As a person living in a different country to family I totally understand OP. NTA.
Their desire for this all of a sudden wedding should not impact your lives like this.
I was told years ago that if I didn’t fly 12000 miles to be MOH at a cousin wedding, she wouldn’t have one . Guilt trips just suck
NTA. Unfortunately, I missed two weddings and two funerals while living overseas. It sucks but that’s just how it goes sometimes. Keep your plans to go in Dec or Jan and they can decide what to do with the wedding.
NTA. We, like you and many other families, have close relatives that live all over the place. When one of us is planning a milestone event, we talk with the folks we really want to be there and coordinate calendars so we can pick a date that works for everyone (or as many as possible), especially for those that will need to travel a far distance and/or manage challenging school/work schedules. If they want you there that badly they’d take your schedule under consideration – and accept that if they don’t make that effort, you may not be able to make it. Working together isn’t hard – but it’s a choice they can either embrace or decline, and accept the consequences that will flow from either decision.