My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. For a while now, she’s brought up this fantasy she has about DP. I’ve been open and honest with her, telling her respectfully that it’s just not something I’m comfortable with or interested in doing. I figured that was the end of it, because I truly believe it’s okay for a person to have a boundary about what they are willing to do in the bedroom.
But lately, our sex life has become a total nightmare. She’s decided that since she can’t have this one specific thing, she’s going to punish me for it. Any time I try to initiate anything else something we both enjoy she shoots me down immediately. She’ll say things like, “Why should I do what you want when you won’t do what I want?” It feels like she’s holding our entire sex life hostage until I agree to something I’ve already said I’m not comfortable with.
I love my wife, and I want her to feel desired, but I also feel like I’m being manipulated. I don’t think it’s fair that she gets to dictate what our sex life is and if I don’t give in to this one thing then I get nothing.
Edit to say. She’s not wanting to bring anyone in, but why do I have to be into anal regardless of how it happens?
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DP as in double penetration, right?
I would highly advise not giving in to her demand. It would almost certainly end up in resentment and divorce. You can get creative and get one of the molded body things with a big ole hard on. lol
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Is she wanting to bring in another guy for this, or just a toy? Either way, you’re allowed to have boundaries. However, the method of DP is pertinent information to determine how crazy your wife is behaving.
you don’t need an extra person for that.
My wife DP, but with a toy. Ain’t no way we getting another dude involved.
A toy is one thing and perfectly fine, another dude = time to look into divorce. Best of luck
Sooo, have you considered doing it for her?…
I’m a little confused so does she want a threesome? If not what’s the issue? She probably just wants to use a dildo
I’d be interested to know why you’re not willing to use a toy, since you specified she didn’t want to bring another guy in.
Are you just against sex toys?
Since you said that she doesn’t want to bring someone else in, Im assuming you have a problem with her using a toy for the DP? Or is there something I am missing. Cause I would think the toy would be fine if yall can find a middle ground on it.
If it’s not another person she wants to bring in, why not just try it, my partner and I tried anal once I was never into it or thought about it tbh we tried it once and definitely wasn’t for us so we never did it again, it’s been maybe 15 years since that night.
I get where you’re coming from though.
Wait, she doesn’t want another dude, just a toy? You’re definitely allowed to say no, BUT, why not? Just curious
Another man in the mix or a toy?
If it’s a toy, why so against it?
At first I was gonna say NTA but since I read in the comments that she’s not asking for another MAN in the bedroom, she’s asking for you to explore with a toy with her… YTA. She’s asking for you and a toy. She’s not asking for you and another man and she’s not asking to put the toy up your ass… so… why not give that to her? What bothers you so much about it? Why isn’t her benign sexual desire that she intimately is sharing with her husband being honored and celebrated as a deeper level of intimacy- both by communicating the fantasy and exploring it together???
I get not wanting to do it with another dude but what’s wrong with a toy? You do it the regular way and the toy goes to her forbidden part.
ESH. You are allowed to have a boundary on what you aren’t comfortable with… but she wants to use a toy while you otherwise vanilla her. You’re not trying to work with her to accommodate what she wants in a way you could be comfortablewith, and her response to punish you for it is manipulative.
YTA if it’s a toy. Just indulge it, live a little.
What does dp mean
After reading that she doesn’t want another person, just a toy. Jesus yeah, you’re the asshole and perhaps the most sexually vanilla boring person ever. What even
I had to reconsider my answer as well, I assumed that she wanted to bring another guy in. Do you guys not already enjoy toys together?
when I first started reading I was like, oh damn this dudes wife is a ho, then I read the whole thing and was like……wtf, why not
Buy a toy. It doesn’t have to be another person. Although to be honest her behavior would have had me walking away completely
lol you need to edit your post to include that she’s not asking for another guy to join you and wants to use toys. you’re burying the lede.
I was going to say absolutely not the asshole until I read down further, if the do doesn’t involve another person I actually agree with your wife or gf (I forget which atm) your post is most definitely misleading
YTA-
After reading the post I felt NTA and you were being forced to include another man in your marriage.
However, after reading the comments all your wife is requesting is to use toys for the second cock.
I’d reconsider your position strongly what’s holding you back from allowing toys in the bedroom
I was gonna say NTA until I saw it was because you have a problem with a toy!
Toys are fun, you can both benefit from them. She isn’t ever going to prefer a toy to you.
Neither of you should be doing anything you don’t want to do. She shouldn’t be using anything, sexual or otherwise as a tool to get what she wants. But also it’s her prerogative to shut down an act she has previously engaged in for any reason of her own whatsoever. Both can be true at the same time. I’m not saying you should give into it because that’s a boundary you should not cross over but also you need to learn to live without whatever other act she refuses to engage in. NTA for your choices but don’t think you are entitled to hers either.
I don’t see the problem if there’s no other person involved. I’d personally be hyped if my wife wanted to do something different in the bedroom. It’s your boundary though and only you know your comfort zone.
Bro, give her the toy. Your feelings of inadequacy are yours and yours alone. She simply wants a different feeling, and you’re holding it back from her because you feel like you “should be enough.” Suck it up and get over it. She’s not asking for a BBC, she simply wants some additional feels.
Yes, you are.
Nta, but tell her to get a vibrating toy and a second thrusting toy and she can enjoy DP without having to rely on you.
NTA.
Even I don’t understand why you don’t want to use a sex toy on your wife, it’s perfectly okay for you to have that preference to not do it.
If she doesn’t want to do what you want to do, then you need to have a talk about what, if anything, you both want to do, and then just do that 😊
YTA, I was not the a hole until I saw where she just wanted to use a toy.
I don’t understand your aversion to sex toys op, what she wants isn’t that far off normal sex and that’s silly from my point of view. People should be willing to bend some boundaries for the people they love, but which of those you are and are not willing to change is entirely up to you. NAH
Clone a Willy my man . If they don’t sell them in your size make one and now she will do the thing you always wanted
After reading through the follow up comments, I do think you are the AH.
I would have supported you if you didn’t want to bring a 3rd person into the bedroom. To me that is a reasonable boundary. Not wanting to use a toy? That’s ridiculous and I your wife is matching the ridiculousness appropriately.
YTA toys are tools and teammates not competition
YTA BIG TIME
She wants a sex toy, not another man. I don’t see the problem, unless it’s an ego thing? You can get small vibrators.
It’s obviously something she wants to try because she enjoys it. Hell, you could do it yourself if you were doggy with a finger or two. What’s the issue here? Are you scared she’ll have too much fun?
YTA
Weaponizing sex in marriage is a huge red flag. Regardless of fantasies. I believe there needs to be a bit more communication beyond this incident.
You aren’t an asshole for having a sexual boundary, no. She isn’t an asshole for wanting to step outside of that boundary, though, either. She is being shitty for withholding. However, I feel like the reason isn’t because of your unwillingness to partake as much as it is likely a communication thing.There was a liiiiiittle bit of kink shaming in the bit about not thinking it was needed. It isn’t needed, it’s a want. A want that you’ve seemed to place some shame and judgement into based on how you’ve responded to previous comments. I think this could be classified as a miscommunication that requires y’all to talk about bigger issues.
YTA for not letting her put a toy in hers
Everyone is entitled to boundaries in the bedroom (obviously!!!), but what is your reason for not letting her try a toy when y’all are having adult time? I am honestly curious.
If shes not wanting to bring another person I dont understand the issue. Are you not into anal or do you not like using toys.
OP, perhaps you need to speak with a sex therapist. Your wife is right. You want pleasure from her, while denying Her the pleasure she seeks.
Why can’t you fuck her pussy and put a dildo in her ass?
YTA, stop being insecure and let your wife use toys.
Is it the toy or the act you disagree with?
“The only thing that should go inside you is me!!!”
You poor fragile man
Also yes OP confirmed that she’s wants a to use a toy. Not to bang other men.
After reading your replies YTA
YTA.
Bro. You are refusing her a SEX TOY? Please get a grip. At least she didn’t ask to bring in another person. Feel lucky she wants YOU to do this with her. I don’t blame her for withholding sex – she 2as vulnerable enough to communicate with her and you’re acting like a child. Instead of wanting to experiment with simple toys you shut her down. I can see her disappointment. You have a long road of resentment ahead if you won’t explore innocent sexual desires with her.
I see where you have stated in the comments that she wants to try it with a toy,not bringing in another person. By your refusal to use a toy,what you are doing is not listening to what your wife is saying. Your ego has gotten in the way of your wife’s pleasure. You have some big work to do on yourself. And YTA!
Yta if she just wants to use a toy… She still wants to have sex with YOU. Plus it’d drive her crazy. As long as she isn’t trying to have sex with other dudes I say no harm no foul.
First, is she asking to bring another person into the bedroom for this?
Secondly, if not, has she explained how she wants DP, as it is just two of anal, oral, or vaginal play.
Third, it’s not okay that she has weaponized her sexual availability for this one thing. The only point she’s proving is that her sexuality is selfish and conditional, and she’s using sex or lack of sex to control you. This is a big red flag. If it were a man doing this to her, she would be pissed beyond belief. This alone makes you NTA in this scenario.
Lastly, it’s been my personal adage, that anything safe is worth trying once. Especially sex with my husband. Theres only a couple of things I haven’t tried with him. I do know what I like, and I’ve tried things I’ve fantasized about that I didn’t enjoy as much as I did in my imagination. But before you relent here, I would address her attitude about weaponizng sex. That’s not okay.
Whelp, seems like you’re acting a fool so she’s treating you like one.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for setting a boundary and sticking to it but I do think you’re an asshole for coming here and complaining that you think it’s okay for you to say no but it’s not okay for her to say no after having said yes before. Just because she’s had sex with you before doesn’t mean she’s obligated to have sex with you any longer.
Yes you are THA…. Oh honey, I am so sorry you are uncomfortable with something that she wants done to HER body. She wants to incorporate a toy, she wants to experience the stimulation of anal play(which is extremely pleasing for both women and men when done right). She is not asking you to be pegged, she is also not asking to bring another man into the marriage. She is asking to feel all the feelings that HER body has to offer and IF that makes you uncomfortable, sex therapy my guy… get comfortable and get over whatever bullshit mental block you have
YTA.
OP clarified that is wife is fine with using a dildo or similar; she’s not asking for a threesome. That makes OP the asshole imo.
I dont understand what the problem is… She wants a toy, not another man. Maybe what you ask for, is enjoyed but isn’t really what SHE wants so why should she do it. Just because she enjoys it doesn’t mean she has to do it. Sounds like she wants a bit more kink and more out of sex. If you aren’t willing to try it for her, she wont try for you. Your sex life is already going down the toilet. It will also cause other problems.
YTA — who are you to deny a toy she would be using purely on her self and for her pleasure? Sounds strange and controlling imo. I would have agreed without the additional context found in the comments that she is being manipulative, however you didn’t put full context in your post- which tells me something abt the way you wanted this all phrased in the first place.
Op I’m incredibly curious to know how her having a toy in her body that doesn’t affect your pleasure at all would be something you deny? I also noticed you said “I just don’t think it’s something we needed” which makes it sound like you’re denying her for quite literally no reason because she is actively telling you it’s something she wants. I wouldn’t have wanted to be intimate after that either. Strange you don’t want your wife to experience as much pleasure as she can imo.
YTA. Live a little! And care about her needs too.
You suck
YTA
Only insecure men have an issue with toys.
They are your friend here. They are not competition, they are supplemental to the fun already happening.
YTA, I will be honest, when I first read this post you got me. You have worded this in a way that makes it seem like she is trying to force you to accept a threeway with some other guy. Reading your replies in the comments though has revealed you just have an insecurity about her using a toy. First off, hey thats fine dude but you have to know that toys are the same as handcuffs, blindfolds, even lube, its a tool meant to enhance pleasure and add variety to the experience(which variety is what our brains crave thats why the first “high” of any experience is always the strongest). The reason YTA here is because you make it seem like she is doing some twisted thing to you. Is it fair of her to withhold all sex until you agree? No. Is it wrong? Also No. Sounds like what actually happened is she shared her fantasy with you, you shut it down and didn’t want to talk beyond “I said no”, so now she is resorting to this to force you to address the issue.
YTA, sounds like you’re saying no to the sex toy due to your own insecurities, if you’re asking her to do things and she’s willing to try to spice things up for you, it seems selfish not to try something for her … Also, double dildos are a thing, along with a lot of other sex toys … she can always try DP without your involvement.
YOU’RE SAYING NO TO A TOY!?
YOU’RE TA AND YOU’RE MISSING OUT.
She wants to use a toy, and not another man? I mean, sure you can say no. But why? Why is that such a dealbreaker for you? Its healthy for partners to experiment in the bedroom. It’s called a marital aid for a reason.
Hey my friend. You need to understand that sex toys are NOT the enemy and are, in fact, your best bud. They can reach, vibrate, and stimulate things that you cannot. As a fellow DP-lover, I feel for her. Please do some reading on toy use in marriages. It might save yours. 🩷
Insecure 🤸🏻♂️🤸🏻♂️🤸🏻♂️🤸🏻♂️🤸🏻♂️🤸🏻♂️
Can’t let his wife have the pleasure wants and someone in the comments said “she doesn’t need your permission to buy something up her ars” agreed lmao
YTA. if all the wants to use is a two to simulate DP i don’t see an issue. She obviously still wanted to have sex with you. Toys are friends not enemies.
YTA for thinking you can dictate if your wife uses sex toys. I hope she buys the biggest fucking dildo and rocks her socks off while you’re sitting in the next room listening. Hard a hell but pissy you’re not getting any.
While I’m not quite sure if I’ll be unconfortable if my gf asked me to bring a toy to bed for practicing DP, I don’t think it’s quite well shaming OP by feeling insecure for this toy. It’s his feelings, their marriage, not us, not ours.
What would you say if wife’s OP make a post about an inflatable doll wanting OP to bring for bed? Why shaming someone for their concerns?
I know it’s common practice in Reddit to shame people for not being perfect, especially for men not being perfect, but it’s not what it is supposed to be. Men are not always secure about themselves. Men are not always thinking straight. Men are not always taking the mature and right choice. Women can be irrational insecure about somethings men do, man can also be irrational insecure about something women do. Stop the fucking double stantard. Can you be just little considerate with men insecurities, please??
Does she want a threesome or use a toy?
YTA. You have a problem with your wife sticking a toy up her bum?
She owns the pussy my friend.
Does she enjoy what you enjoy? Because it sounds like she doesn’t.
If it’s just a toy she wants., suck it up and get the job done.
My god, I’d be all over that.
ESH plenty of women enjoy sex toys, and you are acting like there is something wrong with her totally normal desires.
NGL I was on your side assuming she was trying to coerce you into a threesome. Buddy, you are wrong for accusing her of dictating your sex life; when you are the one dictating your sex life by vetoing something so vanilla that she wants to try. She is being childish by refusing all sex to punish you, ultimately you two need some communication and conflict resolution skills.
I mean she could just use 2 toys and exclude you altogether…
If you are afraid of a toy y’all may not be sexually compatible
You can get a custom one done shaped like yours man, then use that. I get it but need to open to trying what your partner wants within reason.
YTA – you’re insecure about an inanimate object bro. toys are collaborators, not competition. get your ego in check.
Ok, that was a crucial piece of information missing. She doesn’t want another man, she wants a toy. Why the hell wouldn’t you do that?
Do you use toys at all in the bedroom – or are you one of those men that is ‘threatened’ by a toy?
Yeah, thought so. YTA
YTA from the OP’s comments, his wife is asking to bring a toy into play not another man.
Good for his wife to shoot down OP when he tries to initiate sex. Why should his desires be satisfied, when he won’t satisfy his wife’s desires.
YTA
Self centered much? You’ll be divorced soon.
YTA. I thought she was until I read she wants to bring in a toy.
Grow some balls and give her what she wants ffs 🤣🤣🤣
Adding a toy doesn’t necessarily mean she is fantasizing about two guys. A lot of women are just fantasizing about you being able to fill both. It’s probably not like she would want that every single time, either. At least try it with her. Then decide. You may find that it turned her on so much that it benefits you too.
Another case of a guy whose gold bars are too shiny.
I just read your edit and. 🤦🏻♀️ C’mon man wtf.
YTA.
Just to be clear, it’s her ass she wants something in, right? And you don’t think it’s necessary so she doesn’t get to enjoy it?
I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years and I love DP. And you know what? My husband enjoys it too – because he likes satisfying me.
But maybe you just don’t need a long happy marriage?
YTA, pls your wife or somebody else will be more than happy to, her request isn’t unreasonable, now if she wanted to get a third party involved that would be a different story
So it’s a boundary when you are refusing to fulfil her fantasy but she’s manipulative if she doesn’t fulfil yours?!
Get a grip of yourself! YTA . I’d totally understand if it was her desire to bring another bloke in to join but she just wants to use a toy
What’s with so many guys being afraid of buttholes… Let her shove whatever toy she wants in. She will feel tighter and you will both enjoy it. There is literally no downside for you only pluses.
She should just buy two toys and do it alone 🤣 there are machines.. she wouldn’t even have to use her hands..
So hit it doggy and dildo the back door. Easy enough.
This guys crazy..let her use the butt plug..I thought she wanted him to stick his rod into asshole 🙄 😆 🤣 she should him to ransome
I was so on your side until you clarified that this is just about a toy. Of course you’re entitled to your boundaries, but this is such an odd hill to die on and makes you seem either insecure or straight up selfish. Or both.
Hmm this is one of those “her body her choice” things for sure. She has a fantasy and wants to share it with you and you’re shutting her down. If she wanted a threesome and you’re not into it that’s reasonable, but if she wants you plus a toy and you’re saying no? You’re crippling your marriage and then trying to leave it at her feet. If you love her as much as you say you do, try making her happy a bit. Life is too short to miss out on things, especially if there is no harm in it.
You know, the toy can be what goes in her ass right? You can still go in the usual hole 🕳️. Not that it matters. Obviously you’re not really interested in her fucking pleasure.
You are a huge huge AH.
Wait. You guys don’t have any toys?
Your poor wife.
Yeah you are def a douche canoe. I pray this Reddit opens your eyes because otherwise you’re gunna be a statistic in a few years.
I’m confused. She wants DP but doesn’t want to bring in another person and you guys don’t have sex toys and you mention not being into anal … so does she want DP or does she just want anal???
Trying to figure out how DP works with one P is hurting my head.
NTA though, she’s being manipulative and that’s not ok in a relationship but it’s especially not ok when it comes to sex.
ETA: you need to have a chat with her. You say you try to initiate things ‘you both enjoy’ but how do you know that she enjoys them? Sounds like she was doing some stuff because you liked it and now that she wants something you said no because anal makes you uncomfortable and you don’t understand why she’d need a sex toy…. But using beads or a plug for her and then you having regular sex doesn’t have any negative impact on you, it’s not you doing anything different. So why would you not do it?
ESH (but you suck more)
She’s not asking to cheat. She’s asking to use a toy. Why is that a hard line for you? What about including a sex toy is threatening to you? I cannot think of anything that’s not more about your ego than her enjoyment. That’s very confusing and why you suck in this.
The you won’t give me what I want so I won’t give you what you want is very childish. Coercion is not cool. I can understand why she’s unhappy with you but you do have a right to say you don’t want to do that. However, she does have the right to use toys on her own without you.
YTA, it’s a toy, not another man.
YTA-Can’t complain about the sex life at this point. Why would you expect her to do anything for you? 100% can have a boundary against anything; especially bringing in another person. However, it’s just a toy she’s requesting. So unless you have a REALLY good/valid excuse for not exploring that, you’re just selfish, insecure, and lazy in the bedroom & deserve what you’re reaping! You’re claiming manipulation from her, but you’re doing the same of ‘why can’t I get what I want just bc I won’t give you what you want?’
Why do you think you’re entitled to what you want?
Why should she give in & be more vulnerable when you’ve already shown her you won’t be open? Hope you don’t watch porn or use lube, etc, for masturbating cause it’s no different than her wanting to use a toy.
So buy a dildo and stick it where the sun don’t shine, and you get the other hole. It can be spectacular!
How is she expecting DP when there’s only one you and she’s not looking to bring anyone else in? DP implies double dicks involved last I checked.
Or is she good with a toy in one hole and meat in the other? This would be a reasonable request IMO, although I’m not at all into anal play.
I wasn’t aware it was that difficult to buy sex toys 🤔 especially if you’re in the USA, you know you can just order them straight to your door right? Even on Amazon…
YTA for not being willing to satisfy your wife in a way that doesn’t involve outside people.
She wants a toy, not another man. Stop being selfish or you may end up losing your wife.
Well you don’t in fact have to been into anal to give her pleasure.. im sure there is a toy that will let you adjust which hole you enter while entering the hole she wants entered.. or both in one..
I mean, you don’t have to do it if you’re uncomfortable with it or grossed out by it. You both should be able to enjoy what you’re doing together. If either one of you doesn’t want to do it, then it shouldn’t be done, period.
She can by two toys and do it on her own time, though. It’s her body, and you don’t have to partake in that.
Buy toys lots of toys use those toys for her DP you go in the hole that you are comfortable with and let the toy go in the other it’s really that simple . Toys can be alot of extra fun in the bedroom
ESH even the commenters. You probably won’t lose anything by acting out her fantasy with a toy but you’re under no obligation to do anything you don’t want to in the bedroom. She’s allowed to be upset about it but she’s blatantly trying to strong arm you into doing it. It is manipulative.
She doesn’t want an extra partner? And you’re all squicked out about using a toy?
Yes… You’re the asshole. If you don’t want to do anal that’s fine, the toy can go in her butt. 😂
“AITAH because my wife confided in me and wants so try something out with me and I won’t let her, but I still fully expect her to do things for me even though I am not willing to even consider her desires.”
Yeah dude, YTA.
It feels odd the way you’re claiming she’s punishing you by not doing something she enjoys, but then you quote her saying it’s what YOU want?
You’ve said no to something, and now you’re upset when she’s doing the same?
Throw in the fact that in comments you’re claiming the weird part is her needing to use a toy when you should be enough. Okay fine, but she’s allowed to feel the same way about other acts (and yes, I mean even if she’s previously engaged in it or even seemed to enjoy it)
I’m torn between NAH and ESH.
Men who are afraid of using sex toys on ladies in bed are insecure and selfish! Women have different bodies and different things that get them off. Some women need clit stimulation as well as a penis in her to cum, including myself.
If you love her, you’ll wanna make her cum as hard as possible!!!!
If DP refers to another man that you will be slaping balls with then you are being reasonable. If she just wants you to drive a rubber dick up her ass while you hit it from behind then you need to shape up before DP becomes 2 men who are not you.
sorry bro, but YTA.
This sounds like the dude from the other week that didnt wna go down on his girl, for the only reason being that doing so, gave him no pleasure.
Stop being a selfish lover.
Now, I could understand you not wanting to put any of your body parts in her ass. But shes not even asking for that. She wants to use a toy.
And even if you arent comfortable inserting a toy. Are you telling her that she cant insert it herself? Like if she was using a butt plug, would you then refuse to have sex with her?
Im really confused as to what your hang up is?
Maybe he’s afraid she will like the toy more than him.
YTA, bro. Let her put a toy up her ass while you bone, for Pete’s sake. It’s 2025.
If she wants to use a toy, then I think Im much more on her side than yours. You dont need to use any part of your body for the anal so what’s the problem? Obviously, having boundaries is important, but honestly, what’s the problem you have with anal if you aren’t actually inserting yourself?
Listen bud, I’m not a big fan of buttholes either, but if it makes her happy, I’d use a 43 inch anal snake and be happy about it.
I promise you’ll be ok.
But, don’t go straight for the 43 inch snake, start simple. Maybe after a while you guys will have an excellent collection.
Also, yes.
You’re the asshole here.
YTA after seeing your comments and the edit to your post. Because who said you had to be into giving anal for this? It’s as simple as your wife wearing a butt plug while you go about your business as usual. Maybe she can consider other toys and do this solo.
Honestly you sound selfish and immature. She was vulnerable and honest about her fantasy and now you’re probably making her feel awful. I bet she has acquiesced almost every single one of your requests too…
YTA
If it’s with another guy I can understand your reservations. If it’s you and a TOY then grow the f up and give it to her! Stop being a child.