I (26F) and my husband (31M) have two beautiful kitties who we absolutely love dearly. However, my mom and his sister-in-law both have cat allergies. Currently we have no kids, but both family members have raised concerns on visiting when we do. My mom visits us now, and even stays the night. (The cats aren’t allowed in the guest room). She handles it well with allergy meds, nasal spray, and doesn’t stay more than 2 days at a time. My sister in law, however, refuses to come over at all if the cats aren’t locked in a room. She makes comments often about feeling upset that she can’t come see her family and not get sick from it. She makes remarks about not getting to spend time with her future niece or nephew because of it. We clean up after our cats, our house isn’t a cat hairball or anything. We also love our cats, they are our family. So they are out and have their own beds and places to play and relax. Am I the a**hole for not getting rid of them for family? Need advice!
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Backup of the post’s body: I (26F) and my husband (31M) have two beautiful kitties who we absolutely love dearly. However, my mom and his sister-in-law both have cat allergies. Currently we have no kids, but both family members have raised concerns on visiting when we do. My mom visits us now, and even stays the night. (The cats aren’t allowed in the guest room). She handles it well with allergy meds, nasal spray, and doesn’t stay more than 2 days at a time. My sister in law, however, refuses to come over at all if the cats aren’t locked in a room. She makes comments often about feeling upset that she can’t come see her family and not get sick from it. She makes remarks about not getting to spend time with her future niece or nephew because of it. We clean up after our cats, our house isn’t a cat hairball or anything. We also love our cats, they are our family. So they are out and have their own beds and places to play and relax. Am I the a**hole for not getting rid of them for family? Need advice!
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It sounds like you need more cats.
SIL does not get to dictate your living situation. Has she always been like this with you? What about with your husband? If she has that big of a problem she can stay in a hotel. It’s not her home, it’s yours.
Don’t ever get rid of in your cats for a snarky SIL. She is t going to visit you even if you get rid of the cat.
NTA mostly, but… I had a strong allergy to cats that has faded over the decades. I remember feeling rejected when my sister adopted her fourth cat. Even with medication (which can make you feel drugged) I’d risk an asthma attack. She also wasn’t great at keeping the air clean. The pets were more important than me, period. She also got my homebound mom a cat which made me taking care of her more difficult. I do have some resentment from that. I never expected her or my mom to get rid of any pets though. I thought maybe they could stop adopting. The gift cat to my mother is what sent me over the edge.
Of course you’re NTA, it is your home not a hotel. It’s not like saying I don’t want a smokers room or a no-pets room at a hotel either. There are allergy meds and ways to reduce the reaction 🤧. It seems SILs comfort is more important than your personal life that doesn’t revolve around her. Your Mom seems OK with things as they are, don’t understand SILs reaction.
Cuddle your kitties and if/when you and hubs decide to have children cross that bridge then. SIL can decide if she wants to be a part of your childs life. Although it does occur to me that having relatives with these allergies may lead to kids with allergies too. Maybe look into how to deal with that in future 🤔 with children but doesn’t mean you’ll need to get rid of kitties.
She can absolutely see family, you can go out, she can invite you, I really don’t see the problem
Just consider who you really want to be the family member(s) to have around the most and see every day – your fur loves or your Sil? It’s not your problem, you don’t force her to do anything. You home, your rules don’t let her manipulate you
NTA at all, your cats are part of your home, part of your family! They shouldn’t be locked up in a room much less “gotten rid of” for occasional visits from family. You can visit with SIL outside or you can visit with her at her home or whatever. Her allergies are HER responsibility and she can take meds like anyone else.
SIL can suck it. I wouldn’t get rid of my cats for anyone, especially not a fricking in-law. And I don’t even love two of them. The only exception I could see is if my kid developed allergies and there was no decent way to cope with them.
I would make a donation to a cat shelter in her name for her birthday
NTA
Your SIL had no say in anything to do with your home. Anyone who says or thinks other is an ah. She can spend time with your future kids at her house, the park, grandparents house, or literally anywhere else if she can’t come to your place. Does the family generally bow down to accommodate her? Because it sounds like they might and she’s not used to not getting her way.
Just a silly side story, my paternal grandma is allergic to cats and that side of my family hated my mom. So she got a cat to make sure they couldn’t ever stay in her house for very long without my grandma being extremely uncomfortable. So if SIL is as unbearable as she sounds, maybe get another cat to keep her out.
I have severe cat allergies. Removing them from the room I am in won’t help, not shipping them off to the neighbours, washing all the curtains, and having furniture and carpets professionally cleaned. My former in-laws did all that, and I still ended up spending overnight in the ER. SIL would not see a lot of improvement by removing the cats from immediate vicinity.
I’ve just had to accept I can’t visit if someone has a cat. SIL needs to do the same.
NTA.
You dont have to set up your home to accommodate other people’s allergies, unless they also live there.
“If we have kids in the future you can hang out with them outside of our home, at yours or at the park or something. It’s not like we have to hang out at our home for it to count. And I’m not willing to get rid of my cats for allergies of people who don’t live here. The cats are staying and I’m done discussing this with you. You don’t actually get a say in my home or my pets and asking me to get rid of them so you can visit is not okay. If you mention it again, I’ll have to remove myself from the conversation. If you keep bringing it up, I will have to take some space from you”
If SIL wants to see “her family” she can invite you to do something outside of your home. Your family includes those cats and you would be TA if you got rid of them and removed them from their home. She doesn’t even have a niece or nephew to complain about not seeing so she needs to be told to shut up or she will never see those imaginary children.
NTA. Get more cats so you get fewer relatives.
Why would you get rid of cats because someone visits. That makes no sense. I have snakes and I don’t get rid of them because people are scared. They are in a room with a locked door and every cage has a lock. If you don’t like it don’t visit.
NTA
“Who said we’re having kids? Weird how you seem to dictate what I do with my body.”
Honestly I’d tell her ok we can meet you other places. Because this is my cats home they don’t need to be locked up, and they’re apart of my family
SIL can 100% see her family – just elsewhere. Why is this even a question? I’d 10000% get rid of any member of my family before either cat! 😅
Bet SIL would tell you to kick rocks if you told her to get rid of her pet or change her home for you.
Your kitties come first. Sounds like they are the perfect deterrent to keep an ungrateful potential house guest at bay.
Go kitties!
My question is how did you stop at just two cats? The cat distribution system loves me! I can’t pass one up. lol
NTA. It’s sister in laws allergy to manage not yours.
I’m sure if you post enough ads on Facebook and use good pictures, somebody will adopt SIL eventually
I have mid level cat allergy (hives, runny nose, itchy eyes, etc) but I NEVER expect my family members to get rid of their cats, I just use meds and curtail winter visits and in the summer we hang outside
Thank you all for the replies!
For more context she says she gets runny nose, itchy eyes, etc. and always gets a sinus infection after. I also grew up allergic like this, and after living with them and regularly taking allergy meds I have built an immunity. Right now we typically stay at MIL’s house and her house, or meet out in the community. SIL does not have any pets, she lives in the country and has outside cats that her daughter loves. They’re just not allowed inside.
Also for context my husband and I plan on having kids in the next year or so and we have talked about it! So she’s not assuming my body or anything.
I don’t want her to be uncomfortable, however, I love my cats like family and let them roam in our house. I grew up having pets like this and don’t want to change it. Maybe we can reduce allergens, and suggest meds. But I don’t think getting rid of them is realistic for us.
Keep the cats, or even get more. You’re not obligated at all to get rid of your pets just because an occasional visitor is allergic. Your cats LIVE there, and SIL does not. Pets are a lifetime commitment… until the pets die, they will be living with you. You need to tell SIL that this is not going to change
You’re better off getting rid of any family member that tells you to dump your pets. Keep the cats. Not only are they family, they’re doing an excellent job at pest control. NTA
Yeah, I would not want SiL to come over regardless. Keep your cats.
your cats are part of your family! sil can visit outside of home-maybe take her to lunch. don’t back down!
I’m reminded of these words that you can repeat to your SIL:
“You weren’t invited”
She can see you. Just not at your place, because she wants to play whiny baby victim chick. NTA
Your mom is the reasonable answer, there is no other answer. You can be around cats if you take Benadryl and do just fine. You might be a little sleepy but you won’t die. And so no, you’re not unreasonable, anyone who thinks you are is the one who’s unreasonable
Nta. Sounds like a her problem
NTA as long as you make sure to go spend time with them in environments that are healthy for them.
NTA
Your house, your rules. You can still spend time with SIL but if it’s that big of an issue for her she can get a hotel room. Why should you have to change things for your household for her? Why should the cats have to be tormented for her? You’re not NOT allowing her to see her family. You’re refusing to accommodate her unreasonable wishes. You can meet at a restaurant, park, or any other place, right? She doesn’t get to dictate how you live your lives in your own home. Don’t let her.
NTA. My granddaughter is allergic to cats. This makes her sad because she loves my cats, and knows she can’t have one of her own. So she takes an allergy pill or the nasal spray when she is here. She gets her cat fix, I get my grandkids and can keep my beloved cats. Win/Win. Your sil is the only AH here. Be happy you have an easy way to keep her cat hating nose out of your house.
NTA, allergies exist, your SIL needs to deal with her issue, that might involve being the host of the family events more often so she can be in her allergy free environment, but she has not say or weight to demand you re-home/get rid of your pets. Heck your mom can do it, why can’t she. (Both my partner and I are allergic to cats yet have a cat, allergy meds exist for a reason)
NTA your house, your rules and more importantly your cats that live there. Hotels exist.
Yes! More cats is the answer!❤️❤️❤️
NTA there are dander reducing foods and powders you can add to your cats food. That’s how my bf and I are able to have cats,he’s highly allergic and has never had a reaction to them,because of the food we feed them.
NTA
I have cat allergies and have a cat, so does my sister. shes allergic to my cat more than she is to her own but when she comes over she takes an allergy pill and is fine.
Umm …why can’t they get a hotel?
What? No. In fact that’s a perfect deterrent. And your cats are family too
NTA. Aside from a deadly allergy, when did it become ok from a non residing family member or friend’s allergy to dictate how someone lives? Like people with allergies have to go out into the world; it will not conform to their needs. Why should you have to “get rid of” your cats for your SIL? She does not live with you. If she feels that she cannot come over to your home to visit your non existent future children then she will see them elsewhere. It’s that simple. Your lifestyle cannot be dictated by non resident family members needs. It’s ridiculous. A food allergy, sure, that can be accommodated; that’s good manners. However, pets are family that live with us. Day visit or not, that’s their choice not your burden.
NTA. Cats are family and they live there. It is also your home = your life 24/7/365. Would she give up something that was annoying to YOU at her house, on the off chance you will be annoyed when/if you visit? SIL is an entitled brat.
I’m allergic to cats. My daughter is allergic to cats. We both have cats. All my friends have cats. Cats stay.
I would have laughed in my SIL’s face if I was ever told I need to get rid of my pets because if an allergy. As long as you, your husband and future kids are all good with the cats, everyone else is a non issue. Not your problem.
Keep your cats. Meet SIL outside your home. She’s not entitled to a vote on what you do in your own house.