So one of my close friends is having a destination wedding later this year. It sounds beautiful and I’m genuinely happy for her, but honestly I just can’t afford it. Flights, hotel, outfits, everything adds up way too fast and it’s not something I can manage right now.
I told her early on, really politely, that I love her and I’m so excited for her, but I wouldn’t be able to make it. I even said I’d love to celebrate with her before or after in a way that’s more affordable.
At first she seemed okay with it, but lately she’s been kind of cold. Barely replying and just acting distant. A mutual friend mentioned she feels like I don’t care enough and that if it really mattered to me, I would’ve found a way to go.
I do feel a little guilty, but also I don’t think it’s fair to expect people to spend so much money on something they didn’t get a say in planning.
So yeah, AITAH for saying no even though I know it upset her?
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So one of my close friends is having a destination wedding later this year. It sounds beautiful and I’m genuinely happy for her, but honestly I just can’t afford it. Flights, hotel, outfits, everything adds up way too fast and it’s not something I can manage right now.
I told her early on, really politely, that I love her and I’m so excited for her, but I wouldn’t be able to make it. I even said I’d love to celebrate with her before or after in a way that’s more affordable.
At first she seemed okay with it, but lately she’s been kind of cold. Barely replying and just acting distant. A mutual friend mentioned she feels like I don’t care enough and that if it really mattered to me, I would’ve found a way to go.
I do feel a little guilty, but also I don’t think it’s fair to expect people to spend so much money on something they didn’t get a say in planning.
So yeah, AITAH for saying no even though I know it upset her?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to attend my friends destination because I can’t afford it, and she is my best friend.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. If she wanted you there that badly, she could’ve helped make it possible.
NTA
To adapt a Street Fighter the movie quote: for her it might be the most important day in her life; for you it’s Tuesday.
NTA. Don’t feel guilty about it. If you have a destination wedding, you have to calculate that people can’t come because of money issues. And she is selfish for being pissed that you are not digging into savings/taking out loans just to attend her wedding. That is selfish – the world doesn’t revolve around her and people have to pay bills.
NTA
She was okay with it before because she assumed everyone else would make it. As time went on, more and more people have said ‘no’ and she has now realized that having a destination wedding means many people won’t/can’t make it.
Do not go into debt or otherwise put yourself in financial peril for other people.
NTA. Your friend choose to do a destination wedding. By definition this means that some folks won’t be able to make it due to costs or other logistical challenges.
NTA if you genuinely cannot afford it. If you’d make the effort for someone else, then you know all you need to know about this friendship
Easy NTA, destination weddings are always going to exclude people, either due to money, time, can’t leave kids, whatever.
When people have destination weddings, they know this.
NTA. Love isn’t measured in airfare and resort fees, and real friends don’t put your wallet on trial. You’re not wrong for setting boundaries you’re just guilty of not going broke for someone else’s Pinterest dream.
NTA
People that don’t care about your financial well-being don’t actually care about you. Your “friend” is being selfish. If it is that important to her that you be there, SHE needs to be the one to figure it out.
NTA. If people were concerned about guests being able to attend then they wouldn’t do a destination wedding.
NTA
Our good friends had a destination wedding. They asked all their most important people 2 years in advance if they’d be willing to go on vacation there and knew that it would make the wedding party smaller. That’s how destination weddings work.
NTA. If she really really wanted you there and knows you can’t afford it, she will be paying for your flights and hotel,.
NTA. If she wanted everyone to come, she shouldn’t have chosen an expensive destination wedding. To expect otherwise is ridiculously entitled.
NTA. If you plan a destination wedding you have to be prepared for people to say no.
You shouldn’t put yourself in debt for someone else’s wedding; if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. I suspect you’re not the only one though, hence her chilly attitude.
I didn’t go to my best friends wedding because I couldn’t afford it. She never held it against me thank God. I was very sad to miss it but I couldn’t change it and I was due to have a baby about 6 months before.
NTA this is a consequence of choosing a destination wedding.
And the same is true in reverse. if her friends mattered that much she would choose an affordable venue for all to access.
She is being ridiculous expecting you to go into debt to attend her wedding.
I thought the whole point of a destination wedding was to cull the guest list. If she wants everyone there, she needs to make it as easy as possible for them to attend
NTA
A real friend would not expect their friends to go into massive (or even minor) debt on their behalf.
NTA
Am I wrong in thinking that when a couple has a destination wedding, the persons attending is the gift?
That meals would be catered? You only had to pay for transportation and your room? (And clothes of course).
I have no idea, we went to a Justice of the Peace….
NTA. Your friend is only thinking about herself. When you have a destination wedding you have to accept that people aren’t going to be able to make. It’s easy for your friends to say that you don’t care by not going but it’s not like they’re willing to help or anything.