I (29F) just bought my first home. It’s not huge or fancy, but after years of struggling, saving every penny, skipping vacations, working weekends, I finally did something for me. For the first time in my life, I feel safe. I feel like I can breathe.
My mom (56F) found out and immediately asked me for money, help with rent, bills, food. She said since I can “afford a house,” I can afford to help her. What she doesn’t see is that this house wasn’t easy. It came after years of being her emotional and financial safety net. As a kid, I was the grown up. I walked on eggshells around her moods, her choices, her chaos. I’ve bailed her out more times than I can count.
And now, when I finally have a little peace, she’s calling me selfish. Saying I “forgot where I came from.” That I’m leaving her behind.
I love her… but I’m tired. So tired of always being the one holding everything up while no one holds me.
I told her no, and now she won’t speak to me.
Comments
Actually when you buy a home it is the time you do not have disposable income.
lol no you are not wrong. Ur mom is definitely the asshole here tho. You had to grow up too fast. Instead of being a kid, you were the one taking care of your mom and keeping everything together. You learned that love meant working hard and putting others first. Now that you’ve finally built a safe, peaceful life for yourself, she’s trying to pull you back into that old role — because she doesn’t know how to manage without you. That doesn’t make you selfish. It means you’re finally taking care of yourself. She might feel scared or left behind, but that doesn’t make it okay for her to guilt you. When she says “you forgot where you came from,” what she really means is “I don’t know how to do this without you.” But it’s not your job to fix things anymore. Families like this often react badly when someone sets boundaries, because it changes everything. Her silent treatment? That’s a way to try and control you. And yeah, you might feel guilty — but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It just means you did something new. People who were used to you having no boundaries will always call it selfish when you finally draw the line. But you’re allowed to choose peace. You’ve earned it.
Congratulations on your new house. What an amazing achievement. You should be proud. Your mom should be proud.
Why do people think you have money to spare after buying a house?
NTA. You’re almost 30 years old. Time to live your life. Congrats on the new home.
Sadly OP your mum is a grade A grifter. Grifting your children in such an abusive way is sickening.
You need to go no or low contact with her for a while and set up some very clear boundaries with her now OP. You have just bought a goddam house every penny is critical, you need to create safety nets and spare cash savings to cover a range of potential costs and situations which may arise.
Don’t discuss your finances with her every again. Keep it simple buying the house has taken years of saving, dedication and commitment and for the next few years money will be extremely tight whilst you start the long mortgage commitment.
If griftermum blanks you for a bit then take full advantage of the peace that will follow. Then if you decide to engage with her beyond that set clear boundaries to forever protect your peace.
I could have written this. I’m sorry OP 😞
Congratulations on making yourself feel safe though, that’s huge.
Yeah you kinda have to leave her behind.
She had a much much easier economy to navigate at your age and did not put in the work you did. You cant step into quick sand and drown to be equal to your mother. She’s chosen to continue to drown- that sucks. But dont let her drag you down.
NTA. You would be enabling whatever habits got her into that position. You could offer support, just not financial.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm. You don’t owe her money nor a relationship.
If she’s not speaking to you, you need to take that as the win that it is. NTA
Your mom sounds exhausting and entitled. Next she’ll be telling you she’s moving in, obviously without paying anything for rent, food or utilities because you owe her for the years of sacrifice raising you.
At least she’s not speaking to you now, so that’s something positive about the situation. Make it permanent by blocking her on everything.
Enjoy the peace. You worked hard. Enjoy it. She’s a grown up she will figure it out
It’s okay that she won’t speak to you. She’s showing you who she has always been. Believe her and let her go.
Let go of her hold on you by letting go of her.
Accept her for what/how she is and treat her accordingly. Go low or no contact and enjoy the life you’ve worked for.
“Now she won’t speak to me.”
Good! Enjoy the peace and quiet! NTA
NTA. Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can.
NTA.
“now she won’t speak to me.”
So the trash took itself out.
I can’t imagine doing such a thing to my kid. Go NC with your mom. She’s been using you and it’s terrible.
NTA
It’s not up to you to look after your parents, they are supposed to be looking after you!
NTA given you have just bought a house, you no longer have any money, as you are paying that off!
Why don’t you block her forever? Don’t tell her where you live either, matter of fact…don’t tell ANYONE in your family where you live cause she will show up and hound you nonstop. Block her, and make sure she’s a stranger with memories.
NTA stop giving your mom money.
Tell her buying the house has left you broke and you can barely pay your own bills. It’s okay to lie to save yourself. Also never let your mother move in or even stay with you for a short term, she will not leave and be like “i raised you and gave you a roof, time for you to pay up and do the same”
Owning a house is expensive and a never ending money suck which why you can’t help your mother out!
IMO Your mom sounds very entitled and selfish
NTA If she not talking and trying to mooch that’s win. No is a complete answer and as they say “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”!
You told her no and now she’s not speaking to you. You win. Keep it going.
NTA
“I can’t afford to give anyone money because I spent it all on a house.”
Now she won’t talk to you….. that’s a GOOD thing! You take that guilt and put it in a strongbox so it can’t escape! You just bought a house, you’re officially BROKE. Your home is your safe place, no toxic energy allowed. NTA
NTA.
Because you bought a house you don’t have any money to spare even if you want to.
Change your number.
Tell her that you have worked hard to buy a house and will be making mortgage payments and paying for maintenance, repairs, etc. You are an adult taking care of yourself. Tell her it’s time she become an adult and take care of herself instead of demanding you do it. BTW, congratulations. It’s a huge deal that you’ve managed to achieve home ownership!
you need to go no contact with her. put yourself first
NTA, enjoy the peace, hopefully she won’t talk to you for awhile. Plus you need to save up for repairs that you might have in the future.
Why can’t your fully capable mom help herself? She’s only 56. Quite young in my opinion.
NTA, but your mom sure is acting like one.
Oh, hell no.
I told her no, and now she won’t speak to me.
……I’m not seeing the problem here. The mooch isn’t talking to you, asking for handouts or insulting you. Where is the problem?
Sounds like the trash took itself out. Change your number and you’re golden.
NTA. You just BOUGHT a house. What money does this yahoo think you have now? It went into the purchase of the house. It ain’t rocket science.
Ummmm tell her you can’t afford to give her money BECAUSE you just bought a house? A decent parent would be proud and supportive, not a leech.
NTA. A house is a money pit. You cannot help and the other thing, don’t let her con you into moving in. Maybe staying NC for a while is best.
Kiddo, you need to worry about yourself, and yourself only. Your mom, should have made better choices; she isn’t your responsibility.
Congratulations, on YOUR, home, where YOU, make ALL the rules 🎉🎉
You are NTA. Look at it this way: problem solved. Gifting your mom modestly on her birthday, Christmas (or whatever you celebrate) & Mother’s Day is enough.
NTA. Just tell her you know exactly where you came from which is why you are not going to give her even 1 cent. You are not a bank or ATM and you will definitely not be letting her leech off you. If she keeps pushing cut all contact.
Edit- NTA
I so feel you right now! Congratulations on your new home. Please enjoy your peace. I finally got my little bre home and my toxic mother demanded! Demanded! That I let her come live with me after she lost the home my grandparents gave her. NC and I finally have peace in my home 500 miles away
I think you’ve chosen the wrong emotion. Sad. I would go with sad. I apologize because you said you love your mom, but how fucking stupid is she?
You have buy a house=no money you just put it all into the house.
She’s 56 how has she not learned this in all of that time? Honestly, you should be glad she’s not taking to you. You should also be angry for her being greedy. NTA.
Her leaving you alone is going to be the most peace you’ll ever know considering your past.
I’m sorry you have a mother that couldn’t be a stable parent for you. That is not right. She is trying to lure you into her abuse cycle again, and because you’re not taking her bait, she’s acting out. That is typical of a manipulator. You’re doing the right thing for yourself and her. It’s absurd for her to think she can lean on you, her child, for financial support. Count her silent treatment as a blessing and break from her manipulation.
Congratulations to you ! That is an amazing job you did at your age ! Be very proud of yourself and I just wish your mom was as proud of you as I am
NTA. You don’t owe your mom your time, money, or a relationship. I am the type of person that believes if I can help, I should, but never to the detriment of my home/kids.
You worked your ass off for this. She will get over herself. Don’t let her squander your accomplishment.
NTA – Congrats on your new home. It is definitely an accomplishment, and you should be proud.
I understand what you are going thru, and I’m just going to say don’t allow her words and no contact to.bully you into giving in. You are not responsible for her. Her bills, rent, medical stuff, food, etc, are NOT your responsibility. What about YOU? Who worries about YOU? If you need help, who can YOU count on? If you’re in need, who can you call? I’m sure the answer is nobody but yourself.
Please go to therapy if you’re able to attend and don’t already go. Do not chase her. Dont call her. She cut you off, fine. One less thing to stress about. If she calls you, be firm in your decision. No is a complete sentence. She will definitely ask you to allow her to move in with you at some point, DO NOT allow it. It will be chaos, a fkn nightmare. This is YOUR peace, your little slice of heaven, and you deserve it.
It’s way easier to save money without a mortgage in the first few mortgage years. Yes eventually rents will be higher then your mortgage if you continue to live there but right now I bet they aren’t. Especially at 6+% interest in a country wide housing crisis.
Naw it’s your money and she’s just entitled. The fact that she found out you bought a house after you bought it tells me you aren’t close enough to support each other. I live across the country and tell my mom what I’m thinking about doing nother mind doing it.
And she’s my adopted mom adopted as a late teenager so it’s 100% a choice for a parent to love you just as it’s 100% a choice for you to support her. No one owes anyone anything
NTA. After years of abuse you said no. That’s the end of it. If she hasn’t figured out how to properly budget her finances, that’s on her. Not you.
Stay strong. You are your own adult. She can’t guilt you into providing for her.
NTA. And houses come with mortgage payments and repairs, so you don’t necessarily have more money now than when you were renting. You are investing in your future, though. Congratulations on the house!
She must be of the age where you could get a mortgage for more than the homes value in order to have a cushion and hire movers. The world doesn’t work like that anymore. Now we barrow less than we need, offer more, and pay down interest rates and life on ramen the first two months and move our stuff in cars.
You don’t need to help your mother or succumb to her guilt trips.
If she’s not speaking to you, that’s what it looks like when the trash takes itself out. #Winning
She sounds like a loser who has never grown up and figured out that is her job to take care of herself. Your mother wants you to be her retirement plan so she doesn’t have to manage her own life and that’s why she parentified you. Don’t do it. No is a complete sentence. The funny thing about narcissistic personalities is that they love themselves way too much to starve or be homeless so she’ll figure it out.
It sounds like your mom was difficult for you when you were a child and is the sale as you’ve grown to an adult. Might be time to cut her off for a while until she can respect your limits and boundaries. Good luck it’s not easy.
Sometimes you have to separate yourself from family. As much as you would like to be there all the time, you can’t, and she as a mother should be more understanding. You should be proud of your accomplishment. Even family will take advantage if you don’t put a stop to it. There is no way for you to take care of her needs and maintain your home. Do you. Maintain your sanity. You are intitled to have a peace of mind and that is not leaving your mother behind. I been in your shoes, buy a house and family thinks that you are living large, when you are living to maintain what you purchased, not that you have money, because you have a home. She doesn’t know what it took to get your home. DO YOU.
How are you supposed to help her and pay for a newly minted mortgage. My mom is 80 and would never ask me for a dime. She still sends me cash for my bday and we argue about her sending me cash while on a fixed income. Your moms and AH
In another post you’re 17 and just became a parent. YTA for your fake posts.
Good job. My sisters lived at home until their 30’s. Bro and I moved out at 17-18. Help your mom find financial help through various aid if she qualifies. I’m (50m) starting a brand new chapter with little financial security. However it’s about budgets and plans for moving forward. She might even be able to get free education for going into AI and IT. If she’s enrolled she would even be eligible for housing and living expenses. At least in parts of the USA. If she isn’t able to work get her into an assisted living community. But again it depends on where you live.
nta
Enjoy the peace and your new home.
Homes cost money, do not give out free hand outs and don’t let her ever move into your home!
Congrats on buying a new house.
At this time, NTA because you have lots of new housing costs