Hi! I (29F) Long time listener, happy to write in. My sister (26F) is absolutely useless when it comes to ANYTHING. I have some pent up resentment, but I try to be understanding because she has some mental health sensitivities. I say “sensitivities” because honestly I think she uses getting overwhelmed as an excuse for being neglectful.
Example: she was the MOH for my wedding, I planned everything. She didn’t help at all. I bought her dress.
-I plan all holiday events. She can’t even show up on time. Doesn’t offer to bring appetizers or drinks. And when I do ask if she can’t make something, it’s usually store bought and there is usually never enough.
– I remind her of all families bdays, or special events to text a remark to the honourable mention.
– She doesn’t buy gifts for anyone, and expects to piggyback off my thoughtful gift, or mention her in the card so it’s from both of us.
Her expenses are tight but I don’t understand how she never has money for this stuff, but has money to go out on weekends etc.
My husbands brother, BIL(31) on my husbands side, literally everything listed above same thing. My husband (28M) is also fed up.
Example: complained about the amount he had to contribute to the bachelor party that my husband planned for himself. It was less than $200
– expects my husband for fork out $1500 for his bachelor party, and my husband is planning it all.
-lets his fiancé speak poorly about us and doesn’t do anything to improve it. For no valid reason I may add. We have different political views, and views on family dynamics, BUT it’s stuff we never bring up or judge on. In life you are allowed to have different opinions, do things differently. She chooses to hate us for certain personal choices we’ve made that do not affect her or anyone for that matter.. it’s our life.
-gets shitfaced at family events and says some pretty wild stuff.
IMO, Both my sister, and BIL benefit off our wallets when it comes to family celebrations and I told my husband no more. He agreed. He said “we’ll just be the favourites.” Lol. (As a joke)
Specifically Mother’s Day. Because it’s just around the corner, and relevant. I am planning to take my mom to brunch on the Tuesday after mothers. Partially because my mom works on the Sunday, and Tuesday is her day off and I have a flexible schedule. I mentioned this to my mom, and she made a comment on how my sister won’t be included. I told her that I plan everything, birthdays, holiday dinners, and she always receives half the credit and I am done. If we waited around for my sisters schedule we wouldn’t be doing anything till next year because she’s so flakey.
I also bought my mom a beautiful necklace for Mother’s Day, and I really don’t want my sister taking credit for half the gift when she never pays her share no matter how many times she’s asked. I haven’t even mentioned Mother’s Day to my sister..
My BIL isn’t as bad as my sister on this front. In the way that my MIL will reach out to all of us to make the plans, and he is always happy to agree. My MIL is very type A, and a planner. I don’t like to step on her toes when it comes to planning but I do make suggestions from to time. Or we will make the plans, and he is happy to join. But again, my husband and I got my MIL a beautiful gift, and usually he expects to added on the card. He haven’t even mentioned Mother’s Day to him this year… his fiancé can lol.
She kisses my MIL ass like no other, so it really surprises me that she doesn’t plan more things for them. My husband and I are starting to plan more family events. His parents are usually the hosts, but they are getting older and as of last year have mentioned they don’t want to host as much. My MIL wants us all to get along of coarse, but I refuse to be made to feel uncomfortable by someone who hasn’t even made the effort to get to know me..
With both family scenarios I’m just annoyed. I feel just because we are more financially stable we get the short end of the stick. Maybe it’s because I’m 5 months pregnant, but I have had it up to here! I’m done with the guilt trips from my mom, MIL, sister and BIL about how everyone should be included, and how we all need to get along. Like yall are adults! We have a baby on the way. I don’t need to remind adults to honour their parents or anyone else for that matter.
Am I the asshole for not including either siblings in the gifts? And stopping for future events?
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Backup of the post’s body: Hi! I (29F) Long time listener, happy to write in. My sister (26F) is absolutely useless when it comes to ANYTHING. I have some pent up resentment, but I try to be understanding because she has some mental health sensitivities. I say “sensitivities” because honestly I think she uses getting overwhelmed as an excuse for being neglectful.
Example: she was the MOH for my wedding, I planned everything. She didn’t help at all. I bought her dress.
-I plan all holiday events. She can’t even show up on time. Doesn’t offer to bring appetizers or drinks. And when I do ask if she can’t make something, it’s usually store bought and there is usually never enough.
Her expenses are tight but I don’t understand how she never has money for this stuff, but has money to go out on weekends etc.
My husbands brother, BIL(31) on my husbands side, literally everything listed above same thing. My husband (28M) is also fed up.
Example: complained about the amount he had to contribute to the bachelor party that my husband planned for himself. It was less than $200
-lets his fiancé speak poorly about us and doesn’t do anything to improve it. For no valid reason I may add. We have different political views, and views on family dynamics, BUT it’s stuff we never bring up or judge on. In life you are allowed to have different opinions, do things differently. She chooses to hate us for certain personal choices we’ve made that do not affect her or anyone for that matter.. it’s our life.
-gets shitfaced at family events and says some pretty wild stuff.
IMO, Both my sister, and BIL benefit off our wallets when it comes to family celebrations and I told my husband no more. He agreed. He said “we’ll just be the favourites.” Lol. (As a joke)
Specifically Mother’s Day. Because it’s just around the corner, and relevant. I am planning to take my mom to brunch on the Tuesday after mothers. Partially because my mom works on the Sunday, and Tuesday is her day off and I have a flexible schedule. I mentioned this to my mom, and she made a comment on how my sister won’t be included. I told her that I plan everything, birthdays, holiday dinners, and she always receives half the credit and I am done. If we waited around for my sisters schedule we wouldn’t be doing anything till next year because she’s so flakey.
I also bought my mom a beautiful necklace for Mother’s Day, and I really don’t want my sister taking credit for half the gift when she never pays her share no matter how many times she’s asked. I haven’t even mentioned Mother’s Day to my sister..
My BIL isn’t as bad as my sister on this front. In the way that my MIL will reach out to all of us to make the plans, and he is always happy to agree. My MIL is very type A, and a planner. I don’t like to step on her toes when it comes to planning but I do make suggestions from to time. Or we will make the plans, and he is happy to join. But again, my husband and I got my MIL a beautiful gift, and usually he expects to added on the card. He haven’t even mentioned Mother’s Day to him this year… his fiancé can lol.
She kisses my MIL ass like no other, so it really surprises me that she doesn’t plan more things for them. My husband and I are starting to plan more family events. His parents are usually the hosts, but they are getting older and as of last year have mentioned they don’t want to host as much. My MIL wants us all to get along of coarse, but I refuse to be made to feel uncomfortable by someone who hasn’t even made the effort to get to know me..
With both family scenarios I’m just annoyed. I feel just because we are more financially stable we get the short end of the stick. Maybe it’s because I’m 5 months pregnant, but I have had it up to here! I’m done with the guilt trips from my mom, MIL, sister and BIL about how everyone should be included, and how we all need to get along. Like yall are adults! We have a baby on the way. I don’t need to remind adults to honour their parents or anyone else for that matter.
Am I the asshole for not including either siblings in the gifts? And stopping for future events?
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NTA. Grown ups can purchase their own gifts for everyone. I actually told my daughter last Christmas. No more including her brothers on my Christmas gift. I know she is just being the oldest but it’s fine if they get me nothing but don’t let them ask to put their name and not help pay for it.
Updateme after Mother’s Day. I cannot stand people like your sister and BIL
Don’t get me wrong, my sister, and BIL are good people. Just neglectful and very whow is me attitude when it comes to a lot of things. I do love them both very much. But I am just annoyed.. partially at myself because I let it go this far lol.
The only person who co-signs on gifts from me is the dog.
NTA. Do your own gift giving and leave the freeloaders on their own.
Stop supporting your sister and your BIL now. You are acting as enablers. Stop. Just stop.
Do your own gifts. I would just send a warning ” Hey. We decided with husband that it’s best if everyone buys gift separately for birthday and special days going forward.”
Also if you do not get gift, simply don’t gift anytbing back. Just give a card. Stop putting effort where other don’t
UpdateMe
Stop. Just 🛑.
You are not their keeper. You have your own family now and you being “nice” and accommodating is enabling their selfish behavior. They’re grown ass adults. Not your monkey, not your circus.
Speaking from experience. I cannot tell you the number of times we took my husband’s mom out for mother’s day, his sister came and expected us to pay for her too. She’s 35+, btw. She never even offered to pay for her own mother. They are USING you.
No, you’re not.
Just, stop. Don’t say a word. Just stop.
NTAH. Let them be responsible for their own gifts. When they try to claim they helped with your gifts, just look at them and very calmly say, “No, you didn’t.”
NTA
Cut them off. No more reminders or adding them to cards or trying to get money from them for gifts you buy. They are both adults and can sink or swim on their own.
Updateme
So very much NTA!!!
My sisters were like this. Especially my younger sister. I actually tried to think of a single thing she did for me. Crickets.
Updateme
NTA. Stop enabling them. These people are adults. They’ll either figure it out or won’t.
Don’t allow yourself to feel guilt when they start whining that you didn’t tell them or include them on something they didn’t pay for or plan. They can come up with their own gifts/plans.
STOP. You’re both enabling this behavior from your siblings. Just stop. Don’t make excuses, just say no.
NTA
We stopped doing group gifts with my husband’s sisters years ago. It just felt like they would insist on choosing these really costly items that we didn’t think their parents would even like and we would get a last-minute request for money.
We much prefer choosing our own gifts and giving it to them privately.
Holy shit. Just… stop. Don’t say a word to Sister or BIL this weekend. At all.
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
They think it’s going to continue b/c it was that way in the past and now think it’s basically your jobs. Give them the FYI they are on their own if you don’t want to hear blow back on that piece of it, if you even care about that.
My sister was always telling me she’d split the cost of something for our parents, I’d pay and never get a dime. I started telling her to send the money first, then I’d pay.
Updateme
Expecting adults to adult and to manage their own lives is not being an anus. Stand your ground.
NTA
NTA, you need to allow them to be adults, and when mothers day comes along and your sister hasn’t purchased a card or gift she should pay the price (emotional price anyway.) Hopefully she will come to understand that if she doesn’t want to look selfish or ungrateful she is going to have to do the bare minimum and get on the computer and order something. Don’t sweat this, and for heavens sake please don’t feel anxious about it. You aren’t your sisters parent to buy gifts for others. She is a big girl, let her start behaving like one.
NA. I had this similar SIL. And then I just stopped. Stopped doing the holiday meals, gifting etc. Guess what?! She started stepping up to the plate. Not a bad person, but was lazy and knew I’d handle stuff. I stopped handling and she had no choice. Try your plan
Updateme
Update me!
As long as you allow the behavior, freeloaders will always leech off you. When you stop being that people pleaser, you suddenly turn into enemy number one. It sounds like the pregnancy hormones has given you the strength to finally say, enough is enough. Lol. Congratulations on the baby👼
they know exactly what they’re doing.Don’t allow Anyone to take credit for what you’ve done. Point it out if you have to-if you’d plan something maybe you’ll get credit for it! They’ll do it and take whatever they can from you if you don’t stop it.
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
NTA, I like your plan and hope it sticks.
These are adults you’re talking about. They are way past old enough to get her a gift. Same for your sister and any other adult. I don’t even know why you’re asking this.
As long as you allow it they will keep taking advantage of you.
UpDateMe
Updateme
Updateme
updateme
Nta. Having a child of your own is a good opportunity to set boundaries. Also you and your husband are parents to be. These people are all old enough to be buying gifts and remembering special occasions.
It might work to let each of you deal with your respective families.
Also, if it’s a group thing with your mom, have a group text for at least planning the brunch. This way your mother will see how flaky your sister is and how hard it is to plan things with her.
Once your child is here, you’re going to have less money and time.
Also be careful about hosting or you could end up hosting every holiday. Let the siblings host some. Maybe they’ll understand how much time and money goes into it.
Nta. They are adults and capable of getting a gift for their mom. Holidays happen the same time every year. So, it’s not like it’s a surprise!
My 14 year old daughter gets added to my cards. That’s it. Occasionally, even she buys gifts for people with her own hard earned money from babysitting. She bought her entire friend group really nice Valentine’s Day baskets that she put together. That wasn’t cheap, either.
Updateme
Can we say Weaponized Incompetence?? Bueller, Bueller? Cut them off!
Update.me!
Updateme!!!
Updateme. I want to hear all the whinning.
NTA
Updateme!
Nta.. I definitely want the after story here. Updateme!
Updateme
UPdateMe
Updateme!
Updateme
NTA, but maybe you hold some blame as an enabler. I’m happy your partner and you are on the same page. You are paving a new path, new boundaries and I hope you maintain.
updateme! we want all the tea! Congrats on the baby also!!!
Updateme
Yeah. Quit enabling these entitled, ungrateful moochers! They can grow up and adult, or be exposed for the thoughtless frauds they are. Not your problem or responsibility.
NTA
Nta at all, the lazy ingrates dont deserve credit for work/ planning/ gift selection
If you get a text on Mother’s Day from your siblings because they hear it from social media/tv – act ignorant and put it back on them:
“Oh! You’re right. What should we do?”
Update me
Update me
Updateme!
NTA
Everyone are adults.
Everyone can and should be responsible for their own holidays, gatherings, and gifts.
It’s perfectly reasonable to expect t them to do so.
Updateme
I gotta hear how they play the victim in all of this
Updateme!
Update me
NTA They have had it coming for a while now. The soon to be SIL sounds horrible!
Updateme
Updateme
Why are you parenting these losers? Let them crash and burn. Stop enabling them. They will never figure it out until they have to see the consequences of their actions, or lack of action.
Update me
Updateme
Update me
We all just decided to stop this year, huh? Lol I’m doing the same to my twin brother. He’s a grown almost 30 year old man, I’m not reminding him of birthdays, Mothers Day, etc. and he’ll be getting everyone their own gifts this year.
He did miraculously remember our mom’s birthday without me reminding him, so maybe there’s hope.
We will need a update 4sure!
Girl!!! Please update.
NTA!!!!!
Updateme
NTA, congratulations on doing this now. I remember when my parents pulled back from their respective families. I was around 22 but my siblings were still young. Many people were upset and confused. My parents were tired of being expected to do things. As an adult many years later, they should’ve done it sooner.
Update Me
NTA! THEY DEFINITELY ARE THOUGH. UPDATE US! LOL
Updateme
NTA. At all
Updateme!
As soon as my siblings were employed with reliable paychecks, I stopped including them on presents. I might remind them about upcoming events but they are able to do it themselves.
NTA
Updateme
OP throwing her family under the bus then fight the comments who agree with her post. IDK OP, sounds like you might be the biggest problem here.
NTA. It’s the right decision.
Update me.
YTA… To yourself.
Stop enabling both of them. Cut both of them off and go LC or NC…
NTA!!! UpdateMe!
Updateme
Update me
Updateme
Updateme!
Mother’s day should move to YOU this year and next…. Setting boundaries now is awesome. My mom only expects a phone call. I often do flowers (from afar), my local brother does a meal.
Updateme!
NTA – #Updateme
I don’t understand why either of you ever allowed the situation to be what it is now. Why did no one ever say “Half the cost right now, or you get your own gift”? You’ve both allowed this to be ok. It never should have been that way.
So NTAish-but only because you created the problem. Never be the doormat or all you get is the foot.
Updateme
Good on you for baring your nice shiny spine OP. Stick to your plan and do not allow the moochers to mooch!
Updateme!
Updateme
Folks like that annoy the daylights out of me. You’re a freakin adult, buy a calendar and write sh*t down! No more including those too scattered or greedy in things any intelligent adult knows is going to happen (birthdays, etc). Updateme!
I wanna be updated after Mother’s Day
Update me!
Updateme!
Updateme
Updateme!
Updateme
UpdateMe!
NTA at all. People like your sister and bil drive me crazy. Oh to be a fly on the wall when they realize they can’t ride your coattails anymore!!
Updateme!
Updateme
Have an in-law that always states they will collect money for gifts, flowers, food. Saw early on that they collect money and spend collected money but do not contribute towards the total.
Updateme
You’ll see quickly that your sister is going to blame you and somehow be the victim. I did the same with my sister and she would get so angry and petty that she couldn’t take credit for
Updateme
They sound like they have depression or ADHD or something.
You can’t deal with that kind of shit.
Just tell them that the current situation is causing you harm and that from here on out you’re on your own and she’s on her own. If she wants reasons, you can say “I’m not going to stress myself out by litigating this with anyone. My decision is final, you are free to believe what you like, but I am focusing on myself because it’s what I need. And what I need is more important than what anyone else needs. You put your own oxygen mask on before your child’s.”
UpDateMe
They’re grown ass, lazy adults, you’ve no obligation to play Santa for them!
Updateme
Updateme! 4 days
Updateme
This boundary is long overdue. Congrats on being at your limit and making decisions.
You are pregnant. You have another life to consider. You have to get prepared for that – nursery, clothing, diapers, equipment, supplies, decisions, healthcare, hospital, time off, and on and on.
You can’t babysit and mother everyone else. Neither can your husband.
Cut them off from freeloading off your celebration snd money efforts. Mom doesn’t like it? Tough. “Mom, I’m 5 months pregnant, and I am done being responsible for my sister. She needs to grow up and make her own plans. Love her, but I have my own family to take care of.” Your husband can use something similar. Make it a mantra.
Do NOT let yourself feel guilty, and sure as HELL don’t allow anyone try to dump any guilt on you.
They’re all adults. If they can’t act like it, not on you. You have a kiddo to prepare for.
Congrats
Updateme
Updateme!
Updateme!
Updateme
Updateme!
NTA. Everyone has to grow up at some point.
For Christmas do a family calendar with pictures of the family and all special dates noted. Get one for your family, including your sister.
No more adding her name to gifts, sit your sister down and let her know that she needs to manage her gifts separately going forward.
You do not need to give a reason, she will ask, but she will know. If asked, let her know that it’s time that you both be independently managing gifts. And leave it at that.
As for planning things, feel free to plan birthdays and Mother’s Day independently. If your sister wants to participate in brunch, you tell her how much money she needs to be prepared to contribute. She pays for herself and half of the special mention. If she can’t do that, it is up to her to figure out what she independently wants to do. Make that clear to her too.
As for your BIL, your husband needs to deal with that himself. He needs to set his own boundaries and budget with his brother.
Updateme!
Same…. updateme
Updateme
Updateme!
UpdateMe! 4 days
Updateme
Updateme
NTA. However if you want to slightly head off the shitstorm tell them that you are no longer doing group gifts and such
NTA. Please tell us he isn’t going to pay $1500 for the bachelor party?!?! Change the plans!
You are absolutely correct. It’s time your sister and brother-in-law grow up and take responsibility for their actions or inactions as it were. Stop enabling them to be terrible adults.
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
You can do what you like, but it’s only fair to give everyone a fair heads up.
updateme!
Updateme
Updateme
Definitely stick to your guns and STOP paying and pretending. Let’s see how long it lasts
Updateme
UpdateMe
Updateme
NOR. Some siblings are simply clueless that their bad behavior is very noticeable. They think that they’re clever by skipping out on their responsibilities. I (62f) married into my husband’s (62m) family at age 19 (mom, dad, two brothers, one older by two years, one younger by two years), and somehow I had the task of planning and preparing the parents assorted birthdays, mom/dad’s day, anniversaries, etc. At first I was kind of honored (I was an only child with less than stellar parents), but being in charge of the gifts was a nightmare. At some point the two other brothers decided to do the “group gift” thing. One problem, they insisted we split the bill four ways. They claimed since there were four adults, it was only fair. Excuse me, but, as much as I love them as parents, the math doesn’t math here. Three children, means split three ways. Also, we were the only ones who had children, so our income was not up for passing around (we had minimum wage jobs back then) by them. They tried this a few times, but I think they finally got the hint.
Updateme!
Update
Updateme!
NTA
UpdateMe
When they ask to go halves on the gift say “oh yeah, what did you get them? Send me the receipt and I’ll get you back for half.” If they say they need the money first say “sure” then go ahead and flake on them. Get your own gift and say you forgot they said they were getting the gift, but you don’t want to leave them hanging, so you’ll absolutely shoot them the cash when they send you the receipt.
If it’s a meal out ask them where and when, and tell them you’ll be there and agree to get half the bill. Be willing to share, but they need to do the planning.
And if they ask if they can add their name to the card say “yeah, once I get the money from you.”
There’s nothing like being pregnant to focus the mind and help you to see who will be useless in helping you!
Well done.
NTA, and honestly, with the baby on the way, it’s a good natural transition to having your own traditions and doing things as your own family unit. I’d blame a lot on that baby lol for your sister, if she asks, you can say “oh I haven’t thought about Mom’s birthday present yet. My schedule is so busy with the baby.”
I ended up in this position for both my family and my husband’s, of being the gift planner for their parents. My younger brother was living at home while in school, so I’d just remind him to get my mom flowers and pick up the card, and while it took practice (ie one Mother’s Day he went to get flowers that Sunday instead of earlier like I said and realized the flowers were all picked through, but he figured it out with a plant for her), but now that’s he’s moved out, we’re splitting the duties (one of us orders the gift and the other mails the card).
My in laws, though…my husband’s sister has been coming to me directly for planning gifts instead of including her brother, which is annoying but fine. But the issue is that she is always reaching out at the last minute, like a week out or even days out to ask what we’re doing, and I have to be like “we’re bringing flowers or whatever”, because I don’t want to wait for her for THEIR parents/family. And now she tries to tell me what to get as the gift and I’m like…uh, this is a favor. And if you have an idea and want us to chip in, you need to ask beforehand with notice instead of telling me how to spend my money a few days out. I’m tired of trying to brainstorm gifts for my in-laws AND my own parents, so if my husband doesn’t suggest an idea before hand,we’re just getting gift cards for everyone that last week, because I’m not trying to panic buy something from Amazon that won’t even get there by the day of. I have a good relationship with my SIL, but I won’t let her lack of planning keep becoming my problem.
Updateme
If you do not allow her to ‘fail’ – meaning you stop doing all the things she can and should do – she will never ever learn.
This is not so much a question of ‘are you TA if you let them do their own thing’ but rather ‘would I be TA if I continue to coddle people who will not put in an effort’ – and there the answer would be yes – as by doing all yourself, you are doing them a disservice.
So, no – NTA if you let them do their own thing, organize their own gifts etc. If nothing else, you should have done this sooner.
And the ‘mental health’ thing – do you know WHAT and if she has a real ‘thing’, because so many people say “oh, I have condition, so I cannot do X, Y and Z” but no formal diagnosis to support that – making me think they are making things up to avoid being held responsible.
Updateme
NTA
You’ll have an actual kid to take care of soon, not facilitating the adult ones makes absolute sense.
Stop enabling your siblings. Leave their names off of things. They’re adults. Let them stand or fall on their own.