My girlfriend and I got engaged last month.
I told my parents and they were very happy. I asked them if there was anything they expected and they both said no and that we can do the wedding how we wanted. We told them we wanted a small wedding and left it at that.
Here is where the miscommunication came in. “Small” is the operative word. My gf and I wanted to do a signing ceremony and then a dinner afterwards with close family (friends will possibly be another dinner/event). I wouldn’t even call the dinner a reception.
The close family includes my gf’s immediate family, her grandparents and a 5-6 other cousins, etc. totalling to 15.
On my side: I wanted to invite my parents, sister, dad’s 3 siblings, grandparents (dad’s) and my grandma’s brother (plus wife and children – 4 people). Totalling to 16.
Both sides would have around the same amount of people for a total of ~35 people.
When I told my mom, she went nuts. She thought small meant up to 100 people. She has cousins (her mom’s sisters kids) who live in the same city and said that we are disrespecting her by inviting my Grandma’s brother and not inviting her side at all. Important to note that her siblings are all overseas who we will have dinner with when we visit them and her parents are long gone. Also her cousins and kids equal 20 additional people. So the groom and bride side would be disproportionate.
We went into a huge verbal spat and are not talking at the moment. My dad says that the only way to solve this is to invite all her cousins (not even siblings btw) or not invite his uncle (my grandma’s brother) who I actually see 5 times a year vs her family who I only talk to a few of them a year when I golf with them.
So AITAH for not wanting to invite my mom’s cousins?
EDIT: Since everyone is asking. We are paying for everything but my mom says its not a big deal since we get money back from relatives…
Comments
Sorry nope, your wedding your way.
Your wedding, your way. Especially if you are paying.
If they still insist, tell your parents to fully cover the costs for everyone they want to invite as this is not you nor your fiancé’s responsibility. You will not pay for any costs that would be incurred from inviting them. You will forward all bills to them to pay. If they put up a fight, then you have your answer.
I mean, I have another solution….
The best compromise is that your mum and dad STFU, and choose to either attend, or not.
There you go, plenty of compromise.
NTA.
NTA. It is your wedding, not hers. Even if she is complaining, she doesn’t have the say on this.
Have them throw you a ‘welcome to the family’ party. Invite who they like. Nobody has to get offended and you don’t have to balance numbers.
NTA Mom “forgot” the “you can do the wedding the way you want” part. If she wants a family reunion, she can set it up and pay for it.
OP’s parents are straight up bonkers if they think a 100-person bash is in line with ‘small’. NTA for setting boundaries. Weddings shouldn’t be about appeasing every auntie and uncle who thinks it’s their right to crash the party. Maybe have that pre-wedding BBQ or something and invite everyone then? At least that way you’re not leaving anyone completely out in the cold
NTA if they will pay for the reception or the ticket for those people, it’s perfect that they do it but in the meantime you are paying for it and it’s your wedding, don’t mess around
When we did our wedding invite list, we went with the rule of “circles”. Start by inviting the closest circle – close friends and immediate family. If you want to widen the circle (aunts/uncles, cousins, plus ones, whatever) it’s an all or none proposition.
“Okay, mom, if you want to invite cousins, we need to invite all of the cousins on both sides. That’s 73 people, and the estimate we got for a venue, food and open bar is $175 a person. That’s $13k, when you’ve written the check we’ll be happy to extend the invites”.
Nta, you can always explain it’s your wedding and they don’t have to come if they don’t like how you are doing your wedding you’re paying for.
NTA. Do not back down on this. Whatever you do, stand your ground. This is not your parents wedding. It doesn’t matter how much your mother pouts and sulks, it isn’t her decision. Keep to your arrangement (which sounds lovely) and let her be in a pathetic mood. If you don’t stand your ground you will regret it.
NTA. Do a signing ceremony with a few close friends as witnesses then tell your parents if they want a huge reception they can pay it. Otherwise it’s a small dinner.
“I asked them if there was anything they expected and they both said no and that we can do the wedding how we wanted.”
WHAT? Why would you ask? THAT is an invitation for their interference.
THIS IS ON YOU. Letting them think they had a say at all.
And how effing generous of them to allow you to “do the wedding the way you want.”
Their opinion is irrelevant.
And if they think it is primary – you need to be aware that it will be worse when/if you have children.
So end their entitlement NOW.
See a therapist to figure out how to make sure you make them understand you are an adult and will be making your own choices from here on in.
You need to be able to set boundaries and keep them.
NTA
Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, there’s no need for them to be equal. My husband’s family is literally just his mom and brother. My mom’s side is 5 brothers and sisters, their spouses and a couple dozen of my cousins, and that’s not even including the larger extended family we spent a week with every summer growing up. There’s no reason things need to be equal if there is a large disparity in family size. Who are you actually close to, who do you see for holidays and family events? Who would you both want to see on that day? Those are the people you should be including, regardless of keeping things equal.
NTA. It’s literally your wedding.
NTA, continue with your plans as you want them. This is not her event to plan. If she chooses to skip, then it’s entirely her fault. I can’t imagine making my son feel this way about what should be a joyous event in his life. She is the real asshole here.
If you’re old enough to marry you’re old enough to set and maintain boundaries with family. Seriously…if not now, when?
NTA. There is no universe in which 100 people is a small wedding.
It’s your wedding. Your parents can get on board or they can get off the guest list.
Your dad seems to forget that this is not his wedding and he doesn’t get to decide how it goes.
Here’s how that works – you and your fiance invite whoever the fuck you want.
Some people will say yes, we’ll be there.
Some people will have a hissy fit, attempt to manipulate you, and throw temper tantrums.
Assume that that response means no, we will not be an attendance because we would rather have a hissy fit.
Then you go gray rock & to every attempt to manipulate you, bully you, or intimidate you into doing it their way, you respond calmly with “our decision is final, and we hope you’ll be there”.
Your mom’s reaction is over the top, especially since she originally said you could do the wedding how you wanted.
Who’s paying for the wedding? That’s who has the power in figuring out the details.
NTA
NTA don’t let people bully you into inviting people you don’t want there, but be prepared for your mum refusing to attend – which is entirely her choice.
Stick to your guns. If she chooses to not attend that is something she will have to live with. Is she offering to pay for all these additional people she would like to invite?
tell your mom who is freaking out that is she wants all the distant cousins and and ppl u dont even know that she can pay for that if she wants it so bad and u can hear the silence from that
Your wedding. Youre paying for it. Your guest list. Tell them to pay for the extra guests then
Your wedding, your choice. If mom doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to be there.
Your dad’s “only solutions” are ones that are catering to what they want. But they are not the only solutions.
Other solutions include them stepping back and letting you control your guest list. Or them staying home if it bothers them that much. To say nothing of the option of you uninviting them because of the problems they’re causing. (You may not want to go to that extreme, but if they don’t back down, you may still find it necessary.)
Your parents may need to be reminded that you asked them if they had expectations, and they said “No”. They may not have realized that they did have implicit expectations, but they clearly had them. They could have asked some questions to better understand what you were thinking. They didn’t.
They had their chance to give input back then and declined to do so. That is their problem. Not yours. Stick to your plans.
Is it wrong of them to ask if you would be willing to add these cousins to the guest list? By itself, not really. But how they’re going about handling being told “No” is wrong.
Some other food for thought… At least some of your mom’s cousins’ kids are probably also adults. Some may even be married. If so, were you invited to their wedding(s)? If you weren’t close enough for them to invite you, why does your mom think it’s so important that you invite them?
NTA your wedding, your choice. Your mom doesn’t get to dictate the guest list. Your dad is wrong. The OTHER way to solve this is for your busybody mother to back the fuck off and shut up. Tell both your mom and dad they can choose to attend (or not) but they DO NOT get to decide who else attends (or not).
NTA, one option would be to tell them that the entire wedding is called off then plan it the way you want and invite them last minute without telling them they are attending your wedding, call it a get together to discuss the wedding. Let the occasion be the surprise. They can stay or be stubborn and go home. The choice will be theirs to make, on the spot. You eliminate all the fuss.
Tell your mom since she’s not happy you’ve reevaluated the situation and she’s not invited either.
NTA. This is your day. Your parents can “F” all the way off. Save the money, elope and enjoy a great honeymoon.
Don’t include anyone extra. Tell your mom this your wedding. This is it.
Ok. This was not a “misunderstanding ” 100 is not small. Idc if it is a wedding that doesn’t automatically mean 500 people, so 100 is small. So let’s address your mother. She has tried to guilt trip you (the whole disrespectful crap) she has also tried to manipulate you with the “it’s no big deal you’ll get your money back from the” bullshit.
Your father is just enabling her and should no longer be listened to. So, since she isn’t getting her way, she is now either having or going to have a toddler tantrum and either stop talking to you or threaten not to come. Either way it’s a win/win for you. This is the time where you need to stand up for yourself set boundaries (guest limit) and if she keeps it up enforce consequences (not getting invited. If you don’t do it now then she will feel enabled to steam roll over you for every life event.
You can always elope. And then your mother can throw whatever kind of welcoming party/reception she wants and invite you two and whomever else she wants.
I fears she’s going to invite them all anyway, OP. Have a plan!
Elope
Are you, like… a child?
Or a functioning adult?
They’re the problem, cut the bullying twats out.
good grief.
NTA – and posting to add – You didn’t cause your mother to go nuclear. Her controlling personality and need for getting her own way caused that. That’s all on her – not on you.
NTA
Tell your parents ‘respectfully you can either attend and shut the fuck up or not attend and lose out on meeting any future grandkids, I am not inviting anyone else bar who I have decided on and if you tell them where the dinner is they and you will be asked to leave or removed by police if a scene is caused. I am not fucking around with this, it is not open to discussion or compromise, show up or dont but im past caring and my wedding is not for a bunch of randoms that I dont speak to’
NTA
Tell them if they don’t like your wedding plans, they don’t have to attend.
And repeat that as necessary.
If this keeps up, tell them that they’re uninvited to the wedding and when they bring it up: hang up, leave them on read or walk away.
You’re paying for it. Have the wedding that you want and can afford. Don’t let your mother bully you.
NTA, Do the wedding as you and your fiance plan. Tell your Mom is sounds like she wants to contribute to the dinner or reception at a later date she is welcome to. Contribute = she pays for each person outside of the couples planned list. So, if it ends up with 150 invites and 50 are hers she can pay for the number of her 50 that RSVP and any last minute stragglers from her list. Keep in mind, not the cost per head for food. Break that s**t down. Venue is $2000? Her share is $667, plus the food, plus the cost of decorations on the extra tables and chairs needed, etc. Make sure to do a seating chart and put those tables to the back of the room.
Elope? Fuck this. The weddings i have been to that have cost fucking stupid money have almost all ended in the couple splitting up and in huge debt. Not all granted and if that is your preference then go ahead, but a wedding is for the couple, nobody else.
Plenty of people sigh at the sight of another wedding invitation the majority of the time anyway, invite who you want and others can and will have to deal with it.
NTAH.Oh, good grief. Your mom and dad had their wedding, presumably the way they wanted. This one is yours, and you specified small. Their expectations are not your responsibility. Will they be attending or not? That’s the only thing they get a say on.
I smell a Las Vegas shotgun wedding coming up!
NTA! Invite who you want. Tell your parents they can either STFU and attend and enjoy their son’s wedding. Or they can stay home. Either way, you’re getting married the way you want.
I had this kind of wedding , we went to a restaurant where we were in a back area, and paid for a main course for the 20 family and friends originally invited. Added people paid their own dinner.
Your mom is out of line if she thinks so highly of these relatives why don’t you have a close enough relationship that you would have thought to invite them on your own?
The fact that they live in the same city makes it worse what’s HER excuse?
NTA.
Nta – tell your mom to fuck off
Are you Desi? Why would she think 100 is small and you’ll get enough money from guests to cover it?
NTA – if she wants them there so bad, she can pay for them.
NTA Your wedding your decisions especially since you ate paying for it and NO it IS a big deal and a LOT of money, gifts do NOT make up for this. I suspect they wont mind at all, tell her she should invite them to visit sometime, host them and you would love to visit. No one should have to have a huge wedding for someone elses preference, imo even if that someone else is paying.
you sound quite reasonable. Your mom – not so much. Stick to your plans and hope she mellows some but don’t give in.
When my mother pulled this shit, we eloped.
Best decision we ever made. Neither of us regret having the wedding of our dreams.
Us, celebrant and 4 people.
It was perfect.
Cannot recommend enough!!!
Tell mom and dad if they want additional family to attend, let them pony up the money for the guests or stfu.
Why did you even ask about their expectations? Let her scream.
NTA Tell them that you set the guest list as you two want it. There will be no changes. The only thing you need from them is to know if they are coming or not. If at a later time mom and dad want to throw a party to celebrate the marriage they are free to do so but you and GF are doing this day as you want.
It’s your wedding not your Mums. I only had 36 people at my wedding. It was fantastic!! We loved every moment of it surrounded by the people we wanted to celebrate with.
Howvthe hevk foes 100 people became small???
NTA and stand your ground! Your wedding, your rules!!! It’s time your mother just gets to deal with it.
Your mom and dad can host a family party separately from your wedding and they can pay for it with their own funds OR they can shut the fuck up. It’s your wedding not their wedding
Tell your mother she can shut up about inviting those others or she can not be invited. Then it will be easier to say no to the others, “why should I invite you when my own mother was not invited?”
Your mom should mind her own business.
Disinvite them. Problem solved.
Uninvite your mother then she can join her cousins wherever they are.
nta not her decision. It’s not just about money, it’s the event itself and how you want it and who you want there.