I (37M) am in the music business and recently started dating my GF (33F) who is in a completely different field. Things have been going well up until these past few weeks where she started getting jealous of a new friend/music producer , “Claire” (32F). My gf is convinced Claire is hitting on me because she invited me to her home studio for our first meeting. I’ve shown my GF all our exchanges and tried to put her mind at ease that this was professional / friendly at best but nth more.
I have never and would never cheat on anyone, but my GF kept saying “I trust you I just don’t trust her”. I guess it doesn’t help that Claire is conventionally attractive or whtv. But even if she were to hit on me I’d shut it down politely, end of story.
Shit hit the fan when Claire invited me for drinks with her and her BF who is also in the music industry. The goal was to chat about a potential collab and introduce me to her BF. They’re both very influential in the business and also happen to be cool ppl so I happily agreed.
My GF got very upset and wanted to come with me to have drinks with them. I told her I’d rather not since I myself dont know them that well yet and wanted to focus my energy on what I saw as a networking thing , rather than a double date.
Also, in general, I value my independence and friendships outside of her as well. I dont want to be one of those couples that’s joint at the hip and don’t see their friends alone , ever.
I tried explaining this to my GF but she insisted it was inappropriate for me to go without her. This is where I started to feel bullied into doing smth I just didn’t want to do. So I set my foot down and told her I was going alone and that was that. The whole time I was there she was calling/texting and I did my best to appease her but nth helped. She’s still incredibly upset I went without her and insists Claire is trying to “get with me” (even though her BF was there the whole time). She also feels excluded and hurt that I didn’t want her there.
So now I’m wondering if maybe I was too harsh or selfish in not bringing her along. What do you think, AITAH?
TLDR: I didn’t invite my GF out with my new friends who are also potential work contacts.
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I (37M) am in the music business and recently started dating my GF (33F) who is in a completely different field. Things have been going well up until these past few weeks where she started getting jealous of a new friend/music producer , “Claire” (32F). My gf is convinced Claire is hitting on me because she invited me to her home studio for our first meeting. I’ve shown my GF all our exchanges and tried to put her mind at ease that this was professional / friendly at best but nth more.
I have never and would never cheat on anyone, but my GF kept saying “I trust you I just don’t trust her”. I guess it doesn’t help that Claire is conventionally attractive or whtv. But even if she were to hit on me I’d shut it down politely, end of story.
Shit hit the fan when Claire invited me for drinks with her and her BF who is also in the music industry. The goal was to chat about a potential collab and introduce me to her BF. They’re both very influential in the business and also happen to be cool ppl so I happily agreed.
My GF got very upset and wanted to come with me to have drinks with them. I told her I’d rather not since I myself dont know them that well yet and wanted to focus my energy on what I saw as a networking thing , rather than a double date.
Also, in general, I value my independence and friendships outside of her as well. I dont want to be one of those couples that’s joint at the hip and don’t see their friends alone , ever.
I tried explaining this to my GF but she insisted it was inappropriate for me to go without her. This is where I started to feel bullied into doing smth I just didn’t want to do. So I set my foot down and told her I was going alone and that was that. The whole time I was there she was calling/texting and I did my best to appease her but nth helped. She’s still incredibly upset I went without her and insists Claire is trying to “get with me” (even though her BF was there the whole time). She also feels excluded and hurt that I didn’t want her there.
So now I’m wondering if maybe I was too harsh or selfish in not bringing her along. What do you think, AITAH?
TLDR: I didn’t invite my GF out with my new friends who are also potential work contacts.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I didn’t invite my gf to come with me for drinks with potential colleagues/new friends. 2) because it hurt her feelings to not be included and she is worried the woman I was with is hitting on me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, this is a warning sign,
YTA, even if you brought her you’d still be networking.
NAH but do you honestly think you’re even compatible?
Not really understanding your reasoning for not wanting GF to come, I’d honestly think that’s weird too but it’s a boundary you set.
Meanwhile GF sounds like someone who wants to spend more time with their partner and be more involved.
It just sounds like you two want different things in a relationship
NTA. Gf’s insecurities aren’t a good match for someone in the music biz. Let her go.
NTA
Making your personal and professional relationships about her jealousy and insecurity and refusing genuine mutual discussion is red flag city.
To humor jealousy is to feed it. Don’t feed it. Set boundaries and think them through.
You can support her emotionally without giving up your core values. If that is not possible then that is not on you. Incompatibility is a normal thing to find in the early phase of dating. That’s how it gets built into a partnership.
don’t build lead weights and call it a partnership
NTA. how would she feel if you insisted on going to a weekend work retreat because you don’t trust her coworkers. She needs to understand working in the music industry isnt clocking into a desk 9-5. I did more work after 7p than I ever did during the day. Meeting with promoters, checking out bands, venues etc.
Generally in my opinion, people that are this insecure due to their own issues. Take this red flag for what it is the beginning of her escalation of controlling you and bullying you into what she wants always
NTA take this as a warning leave her
NTA. It sounds like your gf has insecurity and trust issues. Time for a calm, mature conversation about why she is this controlling and concerned. She may have a reason or past baggage she needs to unpack. But if this is jealousy or immaturity? You may have incompatible expectations.
Personally, most times someone uses the, I trust you, I don’t trust them line, they turn out to be untrustworthy and are projecting. You need to know her real reasons for acting this way.
NTA. This was a work related meeting, not a purely social occasion. Your girlfriend needs to suck it up and deal with the fact that you will see other women in life.
And she may say she trusts you but she doesn’t.
NTA
It sounds like Claire’s only crime is being attractive. This type of behavior will always be extremely annoying to me. You’ve already been more than forthcoming and transparent. You should be allowed to meet with others alone. No she doesn’t need to be invited and yes it’s valid to want this to be a business meeting and not a double date. Do you attend work dinners with her? If that woman wanted to flirt with you, your girlfriend being there wouldn’t be a deterrent. If she wanted to be inappropriate with you absolutely nothing would be stopping that so this hall monitor routine is weird.
NTH
NTA. You have the right to set your own boundaries.
NTA
If your recent gf doesn’t understand networking, you need to dump her and find someone who does. Also, find someone who isn’t a controlling loser.
Nope not the AH. If this was going to be a social event they would have told you to bring her.
NTA. The question is why is she so insecure? Normally people like this have their own deep issues that involve cheating. Either she’s a cheater or has been cheated on. Whatever the reason you need to resolve it or end it with her because of your career.
NTA- She has major trust issues that she needs to work on. The fact the she was calling and texting you the whole time is a huge red flag. I
NTA but maybe now that you’ve done your networking meet, you could set something up that is more of a double date in the next couple weeks? Maybe meeting Claire and her partner would help to alleviate her concerns. However, if after that the jealousy continues I might be time to reevaluate this relationship…
You’re definitely the ass! Why are you fine going out with another couple but you won’t even bring your own girlfriend? FYI, most of the time people bring their partners to networking things. if a business man’s going to a business meeting over dinner He’s likely going to bring his wife not just go alone.
Girlfriend is being very silly. This is basically work for you and she doesn’t get invited to work meetings. I’d consider if she is the right person to be with if she’s going to be this unreasonable
YTA. I work in media, a field where socializing and networking are often the same thing. It’s ABSOLUTELY normal and pretty much expected for you to bring your girlfriend especially if Claire brought her boyfriend. From what you’ve described it doesn’t sound like Claire is hitting on you but YTA for incorrectly telling your gf it would be weird to bring her to that meeting.
NTA. So how long have been going out with your Velcro girlfriend? She seems to want to know everything you do all the time.
NTA. Your industry requires a ton of socializing and creative work that takes place outside of a traditional “office” and outside of office hours. This girlfriend isn’t the right fit for this career.
Info: how did you meet Claire?
NTA but you’re kind of dumb for not expecting the outcome. You already know she has a huge insecurity over it and decide to do something that further isolates her and then go “???? why is she mad????…”
Let me ask you how important is your girlfriend to you? Are her feelings more important to you than your career opportunities (networking) or your social perception to others (not wanting to seem like a couple duo)? If not then I’d reflect hard on the relationship…
Personally if I was your coworker, I’d feel weird that I brought my partner and you didn’t bring yours.
I think it’s weird that so many people are against you. I guess I was brought up “old school”. When my grandpa had business lunches, dinners, drinks with a client, my grandmother didn’t go unless other wives came along and they would chat together.
My husband has business meetings and I don’t want to go along. He doesn’t sit in with me when I am meeting with a potentially new accounting client. It’s business.
She says she trusts you but not Claire. By not trusting Claire, she doesn’t trust you, because she thinks she would seduce you beyond your point of rejection into doing something.
I’ve watched my son go through this. Run. Run away fast. It will only get worse.
NTA
Just dump her. Things are only going to get worse. She’s way too insecure for you, so you are not compatible.
NTA
If it’s business it’s business. Just like any other business meeting. They often happen over drinks or dinner or golf.
Unless she’s saying the woman is going to force you to do something, trusting you should be enough. Probably
It’s clearly not.
NTA – HOWEVER, the fact that you couldn’t have your girlfriend there and accomplish the same result is what you should be focusing on, a significant other should enhance not dampen the outcome… but you are right her “issues” wouldn’t have made it better… that’s what you need to focus on, not “doing it” but the reason you HAD to exclude her
Nta but you probably should have positioned it differently. Like a potential client or customer meeting
Dump that jealousy ridden fool of a girlfriend, she’s gonna be a thorn in your side down the road. Just end it
NTA
Sounds like you and GF aren’t compatible tho. Something like this will pop up again. Could you have brought her with you? Sure, but should also be fine not to if it’s more work related and you stayed transparent with her.
Nothing wrong witb how either side feels on it
NTA for not inviting your gf along for drinks with potential work contacts. And she should feel free to have drinks with her co-workers or potential work contacts without you tagging along either.
you say recently dating, how long?
More info: Is she a casual fling, or is she your official girlfriend?
If casual fling: NTA.
If official girlfriend: YTA. You’re compartmentalising and you exclude her deliberately, using every excuses in the book to keep her away from your circle. Unless there is a history we’re unaware of, I don’t see why she would be a nuisance and impact your networking plans.
NTA. For a 33 year old she sure as heck has some serious insecurity issues.
NTA but your girlfriend is giving off major red flags. She can’t trust you but not trust Claire. She either trust you or she doesn’t. If she trusts you, then she should trust you to walk away from any overtures Claire makes towards you. The I trust you but I don’t trust them is a line used by controlling people.
esh
NTA
Would she invite you to meetings at her job? No. She sounds incredibly insecure and there’s not really a whole lot you can do about that. Your entire relationship will be built around that so you need to decide if that’s something you want to live with.
NTA,
I can see if it was a constant thing that came up
And it was interfering with quality time you were supposed to be spending together.
For this situation I do not see why she would want to go if it’s a networking thing. It could change the vibe because the people on the other side of the table could feel obligated to include her in a conversation that has nothing to do with her.
Especially if she has no interest or knowledge in the industry.
And if this coworker of yours as it were, we’re trying to steal you away or hit on you. I think the last thing she would do is bring her boyfriend.
Also the whole I trust you. I don’t trust her is ridiculous. If she trusts you full stop! It doesn’t make a bit of difference if she doesn’t trust anyone else.
Absolutely NTA! If my colleague brought their SO (not in the industry) to an industry specific networking meeting, I would be very annoyed. The last thing I would want to hear is unnecessary banter, questions or suggestions from an outsider. It’s not a double date. That SO would only serve as a distraction. Her insecurities are ill suited for your career. On paper, I’m sure your career is intriguing to her but in reality, she can’t handle it. I’ve definitely dealt with this situation before in my field and it never ends well. I personally do not like it when they attempt to interject themselves into my work space without my invitation. I also do not involve myself in their professional endeavors unless I’m invited. Her insecurities are violating your professional boundaries.
NTA–her insecurities are hers to manage. This relationship is not going to work for you. It is going to get worse. Her obsessive texting while you were out is unacceptable and you really should not feed into it. By doing so only makes it worse.
NTA and in a way you’re lucky: You’ve been given a glimpse into what the future is going to be like.
Assuming the relationship is important to you both: How about you suggest couples counseling to try to work through this kind of situation?
NTA she’s acting like a child and that wouldn’t fly with me. Next time if you’re still with her out here on DND or block her during that time as her actions could have hurt you in business.
Also, I would trust her not to show her ass at your friend and then it would hurt your work also.
YTA,
If it wasn’t Claire’s BF you would be right it’s networking but the fact it is Claire’s boyfriend the dynamic is no longer just networking. Regardless of him being in the same industry it’s crossing into the personal level. Bringing your GF doesn’t automatically make it a double date rather than networking.
NTA
I don’t think someone can trust their SO, but not trust the person they are hanging out with. I mean, I get it, and it might be different if this woman was some kind of body builder that could hold him down and 🍇him, but, I just don’t understand. If she trusts him, that means she trusts him to shut down any kind of advance if one were made. Trusting the person they are with is irrelevant, and saying she trusts him, but doesn’t trust her just seems like a cop out to me.
OP, she sounds insecure, and no matter what you do, she won’t just suddenly become secure. This is why people need to love themselves before they can be in a healthy relationship.
Dump your childish gf..
I’m an incredibly unjealous person and even I can understand why she is upset regardless of whether I would be jealous myself, it definitely seems like she will not get past this anxiety unless she meets claire. Yes, it’s very easy for others to say ‘get rid of this crazy girl’ but she isn’t being crazy. She is worried that you have met someone who is attractive, and you have a lot in common with so her fear isn’t totally beyond the realms of possibility. If I was in this situation, I would be sure to organise a non-business double date of sorts so that my GFs mind could be settled in a healthy way that isn’t just expecting her to ignore her emotions. At the end of the day, your GF is your main priority (considering you are in a long term relationship) and her peace of mind should be extremely important to you, instead of trying to make her not feel a certain way or being frustrated that she won’t just stop being jealous, you need to put effort into settling her mind.