I haven’t seen or heard from my mom in many years and that’s due to the fact I set hard boundaries with her. She has bipolar and treated us poorly growing up: lying, manipulating, other stuff not Reddit appropriate. It use to really eat at me. She was always very good at causing you emotional harm and then making it seem like it was your fault. I use to doubt myself, like maybe I am being some sort of way or maybe I am the problem. In the last year or so we had contact and she told me that the “ball is in my court” and she has been waiting all this time for me to contact her and fix what I broke. Mind you one of the hard boundaries was she needed to get help and learn coping styles. Nothing came of the conversation because I stuck to my boundaries. Well now I’m getting married soon. My family knows what my mom has put me through and yet still tells me I need to reach out. “She is your mom, she has to be there” “You should reconnect” “Are you going to invite your mom?”, you guys get the point. I keep telling my family no but they keep telling me I’m wrong. AITA for not inviting my mom? Because I can understand their shock at me not inviting her.
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I haven’t seen or heard from my mom in many years and that’s due to the fact I set hard boundaries with her. She has bipolar and treated us poorly growing up: lying, manipulating, other stuff not Reddit appropriate. It use to really eat at me. She was always very good at causing you emotional harm and then making it seem like it was your fault. I use to doubt myself, like maybe I am being some sort of way or maybe I am the problem. In the last year or so we had contact and she told me that the “ball is in my court” and she has been waiting all this time for me to contact her and fix what I broke. Mind you one of the hard boundaries was she needed to get help and learn coping styles. Nothing came of the conversation because I stuck to my boundaries. Well now I’m getting married soon. My family knows what my mom has put me through and yet still tells me I need to reach out. “She is your mom, she has to be there” “You should reconnect” “Are you going to invite your mom?”, you guys get the point. I keep telling my family no but they keep telling me I’m wrong. AITA for not inviting my mom? Because I can understand their shock at me not inviting her.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> What should be judged is me not inviting my mom to my wedding. Does it make me an asshole because she is MY mom?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
> Mind you one of the hard boundaries was she needed to get help and learn coping styles.
This is not a boundary. A Boundary is what YOU will/won’t do, not assignments for others. Plus how the hell does “learn coping styles” even work? You went no contact untill she does this, you will never know she does this UNLESS you have some SERIOUS contact.
NAH. Do what you want, your wedding.
NTA
first congrats on the wedding! second you are under no obligation to invite anyone you don’t want to. If your mom treats you this way and refuses to get help that is not on you to accept that. People always say you should love family no matter what but being family is something she needs to earn back not something she inherently has. Anyone who pressures you can go spend the time with her
NTA: This is YOUR day, YOU decide who is going to be a part of your day. Just because this woman gave birth to you doesn’t automatically reserve a place for her on your guest list.
NTA. It’s your wedding, not theirs. You set boundaries for a reason, and she hasn’t respected them or done the work. Having her there would only stress you out. Family saying “she’s your mom” doesn’t erase the hurt. You’re protecting your peace, and that’s valid.
Your mom wants you to fix what you broke? I guess she hasn’t changed. NTA for not inviting her.
>she has been waiting all this time for me to contact her and fix what I broke
O rly??? She took no responsibility at all and from what you describe, that’s not surprising though I’m sure it hurts just the same.
NTA. I put it in bold so you really know you are NTA.
Your mother is merely reaping the consequences of her actions. Your family says they understand but I can guarantee you…they do not.
You know the shit storm she could bring. It is up to you whether you want to risk it.
You are NTA for maintaining a safe space for your special day.
You need to draw a line with your family. Whenever they raise the issue of your mother, be consistent with your reply: “Stop. You know my answer and I’m not discussing it any further,” then move the discussion onto something else. Repeat as required.
NTA I was also raised by no so great parents who constantly mistreated me and took no responsibility for their conduct. I went no contact and don’t regret it. 2 weeks before my wedding the priest called me in for an emergency meeting. My parents had contacted him, and he was “very concerned” about the situation ( he knew we were NC). He told me I had to reconcile and invite them to my wedding or my marriage was doomed! I told him he had no idea how they treated me, he said it didn’t matter. I told the priest “When you say the way they treated me doesn’t matter, you are telling me that my experiences don’t matter, my memories don’t matter, my feelings don’t matter, my thoughts don’t matter, I don’t matter. I MATTER! And I won’t let anyone, not even you, tell me I don’t. If you don’t want to marry us, fine, we’ll have the other priest here marry us.” He backed down and married us.
YOU MATTER, as do your experiences, memories, feelings and thoughts. Don’t invite your mom, don’t explain yourself to the relatives. Feel free to borrow my speech and make it your own if you must explain. And make clear none of them are allowed to bring your mom as their guest. Have a happy wedding and a happier life!
NTA. You set boundaries for a reason, and protecting your peace on your wedding day matters more than appearances. It’s your day, not your family’s, and you don’t owe your mom an invite just because of her title.
NTA, stand your ground, im proud of you for setting boundaries. I had the same mom but add histrionic and narcissism to that, personally eloped because of a whole shitstorm she caused in which I literally wasnt allowed to get married in the country we live, and i refused to celebrate with her after. She has a grandkid she demanded to see but i kicked her out of the hospital 3 times and I allow her to interact with her briefly in gatherings only for my childs sake not hers.
They did NOT go thru the hell you did.
Stick to your guns. You NEED NO drama at your wedding…
Do your thing… I’m not going to say you’re ta or nta. Just this….. You only get one mom, I’d also add, you can’t take it back once it’s done. Try and love her, I mean idk how wicked she was, my mom definitely not mother of the year, lol, I am glad I tried and finally made up before she died. We don’t know what she was really going thru. I’m pretty sure she probably loves you. Cut her some slack. Invite your Mom. You won’t regret it….
NTA
To those relatives the answers are
“No, she doesn’t, she has not earned a place in our happiness with her abuse, neglect, lack of accountability and arrogant refusal to change.”
“No, we shouldn’t. She brought nothing but chaos and misery to my life and I will now protect my peace.”
“No, we are not.”
NTA. Your wedding. You get to decide who gets to be there. Family or blood relation is irrelevant.
No no no no no
You are absolutely NTA.
It’s none of their business if you maintain contact with your mother or not. It’s certainly not up to them whether you want her present at your wedding.
Maybe post a security guard at the gate just in case one of your relatives tries to sneak her in and force a reunion.
IF you decided to invite her I would make sure it’s clear that it’s ceremony only.
Plan to see her days before the wedding. Maybe lunch. See how she is. Then decide. But if she does come to your wedding & flips out, have an usher watch her & help escort her out.
NTA.
You know what my aunt (my mom’s own sister) told me when I called to tell her I had cut off all contact with my mom? “I can’t believe you put up with everything this long.” They too are no longer in contact, which saddens all of us, but … all of my family on my mom’s side has been completely supportive of me, and most of them eventually cut off contact with her, too.
Sometimes the “it’s family so you have to” mentality is hard to shake, even for people who have been abused or witnessed the abuse. Your family members are those people. They just don’t know what else to say, though I’m fairly certain they all know that if your mom attended the wedding, it would be a shitshow, and they’ll privately be relieved she isn’t there.
NTA You don’t have to do anything that you aren’t comfortable with. Family pressures must be ignored.
Let them have their own wedding and invite her there. NTA. It is you and your fiancé day. Not hers or anyone else’s
Hi, a boundary isn’t “you have to do xx.” It’s “if you do this, I will leave.” It’s not about controlling others’ behavior but defining that you won’t stick around for it. Then everyone makes their own choices.
Every day I find myself saying “mind your business” more and more. It’s your wedding, your invite list, your trauma and your mom. When they have a wedding, they can decide who to invite. This one is yours, yours to plan as you see fit.
NTA
NTA, your wedding day should be one of the happiest of your life. It’s OK to exclude anyone that can cause stress and drama, which sounds like your mom.
People who give you grief about it can also be uninvited. Period.
Nta also I would advise you sitting down and writing a paragraph about having your mother at the wedding. Something pre prepared that you can copy and paste to anyone urging you to have your mother at the wedding.
along the lines of the emotional harm your mother has caused you and how you deserve to enjoy your own wedding day and shouldn’t have to give it up out of obligation to a woman who never even bothered to learn coping strategies so that she could stop hurting her kids . Include the line “please do not discuss this with me again”
Hard NTA
Your wedding is not an invitation to being abused (again).
I can’t imagine that if your mother came to your wedding that she would act like a perfect mom seems to me you would be introducing chaos
Tell your family this is a firm boundary for you. If they can’t support it, they will also not be invited to your wedding. NTA
NTA. Stick to your guns. I have a friend whose MIL is a narcissist and her husband went low contact with his mom. I’m pretty sure she was at their wedding, but they were very young when they got married. It took a lot of work/therapy to get to where they are now. It’s good that you recognize this now.
You are in a great place in your life and about to get married! Congratulations!
You have settled your relationship with your mother and it’s not appropriate for anyone to try to pressure you into changing that.
Even if you were interested in reconnecting, doing it on your special day would be a major distraction and potential land mine. Enjoy your wedding!
Major life events are not the time to make up. Nerves are raw and there is tension in the best of families.
The time to reconnect is when you decide you are ready not because of a wedding
NTA
You do not have to invite anyone to your wedding, but especially not someone who truly made your life hell. If she was capable of such behaviour for years and years imagine what she could do in a few hours. Stick to your boundaries, no one else has the right to inflict their opinions on you.
You already know that answer. NTA. You set hard boundaries because they were necessary. Boundaries are rules and expectations that are made for your own safety, self preservation and wellbeing. If the person can’t or won’t adhere to your boundaries then you need to do whatever is necessary to remove yourself from the harm or suffering that they cause.
Toxic is toxic. Your mother clearly demonstrated, once again, that she has not changed and still blames you for the outcome. She still refuses to hold herself accountable and take responsibility. She’s shown you that it will be the same thing if you reconcile with her.
You are not obligated to invite her to your wedding. Period. That’s it. That’s all. No one, regardless of who they are, is entitled to an invitation. Anyone who disagrees with you, certainly is entitled to their opinion, but they don’t have the right to make any demands that you invite someone, especially your mother who is your abuser.
You already know how to set hard boundaries, so continue to do so with the naysayers. “I am NOT inviting her to my wedding. No contact means exactly that. NO. CONTACT. I’m not changing my mind and subjecting myself to more abuse and trauma and suffering just because I’m reaching a milestone in my life and celebrating a major life event, just because others think I should invite her. She may be biologically related to me, but At best, she is my egg and womb donor. She is NOT a member of my family. DNA makes us genetically related. Emotional connection makes people family and we don’t have that. I will not discuss this again. My answer is no. It’s a hard boundary. Do not harass me or bring it up again.”
Nta-actions have consequences and this is hers.
NTA
This day is about you and your spouse.
Ask yourself these questions:
* Would you be happier with her there or not?
* Would she bring stress to an already stressful day?
* Would she bring joy, hurt, embarrassment to your spouse.
This will bring you your answer. Follow your heart.
Edit: hit tab too soon
NTA.
Dear family,
I will not be inviting my abuser to my wedding under any circumstances. Just because she gave birth to me doesn’t mean she was a mother to me. If you continue to persist in insisting that she be invited, your invitation to my wedding will be revoked. This is your only and last warning.
Send that to your family if they keep it up.
NTA. If your mother is the type that doesn’t take her medication consistently, or manage her condition appropriately you have every right to not want her at your wedding. She has a long term chronic condition, and that isn’t her fault, but she is responsible for how she chooses to manage or not manage it – along with any fallout from the behaviors she exhibits as a result of not doing what she is supposed to.
Some people unfortunately can’t put themselves in other’s shoes long enough to understand that giving birth to a child is not enough to guarantee lifelong parental rights. Parents can and should be judged on their behavior, and choices, and are not owed a wedding invitation.
NTA. I just got married and my dad was not invited for similar reasons. You get to decide who gets access to your life, and some folks have abused the privilege. Enjoy your day guilt free!
Weddings, while happy occasions, can be stressful. You don’t need to add to that someone you truly can’t trust to behave. You have no idea how she is going to be. NTA -have a wonderful wedding and marriage!!
NTA.
You’re not wrong for not inviting your mom. I don’t know that you would be able to convince your pushy family members of that though. You could try “Fine, I’m wrong. I accept that.” Or try “Drop it unless you want to be on the uninvited list as well.”
Basically, stand your ground. You don’t have to convince anyone else to agree with your decision. They are free to have their own opinions, and I would encourage them to keep those opinions to themselves.
NTA- But hire security. Someone might think your wedding is a great day for reconciliation with your mom and bring her. Then let everyone know there will be security, and if univited guests show up, they will be trespassed.