My fiancé (35,m) and I (32,f) are finally getting married this year after 10 years of being together. I recently had my hen party. I invited my 4 friends who i haven’t seen for months, and close female family members, including fiancés mum.
My fiancé’s brother’s (38) girlfriend (42) messaged fiancés family group chat on the first day of my hen saying “hope you’re having a good time!”. I suspected that this message was a bit snarky, but I just replied saying “thank you!”
For context: BIL and SIL have been dating for 3 years. They share a daughter (2yo) and each have a daughter and son from previous marriages. I’ve met her around 6 times, never met her 1:1 or texted each other.
I had part 2 of my hen the following day. Later that evening I received a text from SIL to ask if we can get a refund for herself and niece (the 2yo) as they are clearly not part of the family and wouldn’t be coming anymore. I responded the next day, giving her the opportunity to delete the message. To keep it lighthearted I said “of course you’re family, we’re looking forward to having you there, particularly excited to see Mia in her flower girl dress”. Pointing out that our niece has an important role in our wedding while adding some reassurance.
A few days later I was at my fiancé’s parent’s house. My BIL rang and said that SIL still wasn’t happy. I thought I could try and send her a message privately her to help move past it. I explained I only invited close friends and a few family members, it wasn’t everyone I cared about or is important to me. And I’m planning on doing special things with each group of people so I can spend quality time with everyone.
She responded saying how upset everyone was about the situation, that it would’ve been a great opportunity to get to know her and how she felt excluded from the family. I thanked her for sharing how she felt but I reiterated that I stood by my choice to not invite her. I said both things can be true, you can be upset you weren’t invited but I can also stand by my decisions and there doesn’t need to be any hard feelings. I added that if she feels like she can’t move on by [the day we’ve invited fiancé’s side of the family over for a special day (!)] then maybe it’s best she doesn’t come. I ended the message saying it was important our niece comes as it’ll be a special moment she can share with her siblings and so she doesn’t miss out. She replied saying how that message shocked her. She’d picked out: ‘if she can’t move on by’ part of the message and took it as we didn’t want her to be there. BIL phoned fiancé later than evening to say SIL’s really upset about it and he shared her reasonings for doing what she did, etc. I wasn’t going to apologise to her but to try and put this situation to bed AGAIN, I messaged her to say that she misinterpreted my message and how we’d love for her to be there. She messaged back to say everyone has their high and low days..
So am I the asshole?
ETA
I’ve tried to reply to a few of you but it’s not letting me? I 100% get why she’s upset – it’s more the way she went about it. Writing snarky comments in the family group chat, on the evening of my hen party just felt off to me. I wished she’d messaged me the day after and shared how she felt – this whole situation would’ve ended so differently. Now I’m dreading which would’ve been a really lovely day with my future in-laws. Thank you for all of your comments 🙂
Comments
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My fiancé (35,m) and I (32,f) are finally getting married this year after 10 years of being together. I recently had my hen party. I invited my 4 friends who i haven’t seen for months, and close female family members, including fiancés mum.
My fiancé’s brother’s (38) girlfriend (42) messaged fiancés family group chat on the first day of my hen saying “hope you’re having a good time!”. I suspected that this message was a bit snarky, but I just replied saying “thank you!”
For context: BIL and SIL have been dating for 3 years. They share a daughter (2yo) and each have a daughter and son from previous marriages. I’ve met her around 6 times, never met her 1:1 or texted each other.
I had part 2 of my hen the following day. Later that evening I received a text from SIL to ask if we can get a refund for herself and niece (the 2yo) as they are clearly not part of the family and wouldn’t be coming anymore. I responded the next day, giving her the opportunity to delete the message. To keep it lighthearted I said “of course you’re family, we’re looking forward to having you there, particularly excited to see Mia in her flower girl dress”. Pointing out that our niece has an important role in our wedding while adding some reassurance.
A few days later I was at my fiancé’s parent’s house. My BIL rang and said that SIL still wasn’t happy. I thought I could try and send her a message privately her to help move past it. I explained I only invited close friends and a few family members, it wasn’t everyone I cared about or is important to me. And I’m planning on doing special things with each group of people so I can spend quality time with everyone.
She responded saying how upset everyone was about the situation, that it would’ve been a great opportunity to get to know her and how she felt excluded from the family. I thanked her for sharing how she felt but I reiterated that I stood by my choice to not invite her. I said both things can be true, you can be upset you weren’t invited but I can also stand by my decisions and there doesn’t need to be any hard feelings. I added that if she feels like she can’t move on by [the day we’ve invited fiancé’s side of the family over for a special day (!)] then maybe it’s best she doesn’t come. I ended the message saying it was important our niece comes as it’ll be a special moment she can share with her siblings and so she doesn’t miss out. She replied saying how that message shocked her. She’d picked out: ‘if she can’t move on by’ part of the message and took it as we didn’t want her to be there. BIL phoned fiancé later than evening to say SIL’s really upset about it and he shared her reasonings for doing what she did, etc. I wasn’t going to apologise to her but to try and put this situation to bed AGAIN, I messaged her to say that she misinterpreted my message and how we’d love for her to be there. She messaged back to say everyone has their high and low days..
So am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t invite my sister in law to my hen party and I might be the asshole for not involving her and leaving her out of a nice activity where she could have used that opportunity to get to know others coming to the wedding to feel more involved in it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Idk. But this is why I eloped lol.
NTA. It isn’t like you had some giant blowout. I don’t know why people expect to be invited to special occasions for people they don’t actually spend time with it
ETA – ESH. You don’t owe her an invite, but I think it would have done no harm to have invited her, and I think your reasons in your response to me seem all over the place. I also think it’s kind of shitty that you’re using her child as your flower girl, but she doesn’t even get invited to your party. Saying “I don’t think she’d want to go” after she indicated that she would have liked to have been considered isn’t a good excuse.
Inviting her would have spared you a lot of drama and you could’ve gotten to know your future family member better. I don’t see what the harm would have been, especially since none of the reasons you gave me in your response for not inviting her were because “only close friends and family were invited.”
IN.FO – why didn’t you invite her? She’s going to be part of your family. Now there’s awkwardness between you two. And for what reason? I can see why she’d feel a bit hurt. Her daughter is important enough to be your flower girl but you can’t invite her to either part of your bachelorette party?
NTA… she sounds like drama
NTA
But FFS, words mean things. You in-laws are people whom you have a connection with established through a legal union.
Your fiancé’s brother will not be your BIL until after you’re married.
Even then, your BIL’s girlfriend will not be your SIL until they are married.
NTA.. not everyone has to be invited to every event. She is invited to the wedding. The hen party is not the time to make sure others feel included. It’s a celebration of the bride. She is allowed to be upset but she is causing waves of drama over something minor. To be honest, SIL seems exhausting to be around or deal with.
To be fair to her, after three years you’ve only seen her about six times? Where has the effort been made on both sides? But if you have been around longer it’s on you guys to invite her in. Although an invite would have been nice. She’s clearly a part of the family for you all, she has a child there, would it have hurt to have asked her? Having been there, it sucks and you do feel like you are not wanted about. She probably feels like you just want her daughter for a photo prop tbh.
I’ll preface this by saying you don’t have to invite anyone if you don’t want them to be there, but I’m curious is there a particular reason why you don’t invite her? Did y’all have a tense history before this and that’s why you didn’t want her there? Are y’all not close at all? Or was there no problem or issue before this, and you just simply didn’t want to invite her? I still would say NTA but I had to ask if there was any prior context before the non-invite that would possibly explain the SILs reaction. Also though, I’m just giving you a heads up that if the issue isn’t fixed and you tell her not to come, then she may not allow her daughter to come as well and you may not have a flower girl. So…just keep that in mind when interacting with her if the flower girl thing is really important to you.
As an old lady now, I am both impressed by the ability of younger women to maintain boundaries, and also appalled at their unwillingness to compromise to keep the peace. Both can be true at the same time. NTA. But she will always believe otherwise, and you may look back and wish you had made a different decision. Or not. What do we know 😀
ESH.
I understand your thoughts here. It’s your party and the joining of your families in marriage. You’re allowed to make this a safe space to enjoy time and attention and only have who you want to have around. Its also stressful. But your responses feel antagonistic and dismissive.
She’s connected to the family the same way you are and her point is valid. This would have been a nice way to bond a bit more together over shared joy and connections. You invited the fMiL, and make a point of talking about the flower girl. You show that SiL doesn’t matter to you, very loud and clear. It’s not like your fMiL has a connection to your friends, she’d have been able to socialize with SiL too. However, her attitude is a bit much, especially at her age. She could have done better in expressing her feelings with you, instead of about/at you. So ESH.
NTA. You invited people you’re actually close to. That’s what hen parties are for. We’re not talking a family reunion, there’s not a mandatory invite list for everyone with a vague family connection.
You’ve met her six times in three years. That does not constitute an “inner circle” relationship, that’s a “polite hellos at birthday parties” relationship. And the vaguely salty group chat message? Honestly, all it did was confirm you made the right call. She was already trying to bring drama to an event she wasn’t even at.
You handled it gracefully. You were polite, clear, and gave her multiple chances to save face. That’s more than most would’ve done. And honestly, if someone sulks that hard over not getting free prosecco and party games… it’s probably better they weren’t there.
Info: Did you tell her if she can’t get over her feelings she was disinvited from a family event, but to still be sure to send her daughter? Because honestly that does sound kinda passive aggressive and like you are only nice to her for access to her daughter.
Yea her reaction is a little excessive, but idk why you couldn’t just say I’m sorry and I hope we can have fun at the family day. Then throw in a coffee invite. Because as someone else said, since she is newer to the family it is kinda the family’s job to invite her in. So she doesn’t feel like she has to push her way in. And everyone would probably call her rude for pushing into your life.
ESH
Is it common to invite non-bridal party members and immediate family (as in sisters and moms) to a “hen party?”
When I had mine, the custom was only this group (bridal party, mom’s and sisters) was invited.
I have been to a couple where a handful of out-of-town guests were invited (as in grandmother’s and a couple cousins) but this was only if the hen do was scheduled the right before the wedding (a day or two before).
NTA, she has a crown to represent she is the queen of passive aggression. I would not give her a second thought. You may wish to explain to your brother why her approach was inappropriate.
YTA. I think you should have invited her. Her daughter is in the wedding, you invited MIL. She’s a close member of the immediate family you’re marrying into.
Of course you didn’t have to invite her, but it would have been a very gracious thing to do for future family.
And your responses to learning she’s been upset have been a little cold. I would be upset to be told essentially if you can’t get over your feelings in time don’t come. But make sure your daughter is there because she’s an important prop.