Confusing title, but I didn’t want to put too much on it.
Ok, so i have been with my gf for some months now. The other day, I noticed she was cuddling with a female friend, which i had no issue with. I thought it was a bit weird tbh, I wouldn’t cuddle with anyone besides my gf. However, I did talk to her about this, and if she does it with others. She did say she does it every now and then with some male friends.
I’ll be honest, I feel like this was harsh, but I told her that’s a deal breaker for me, and broke up with her on the spot.
Now, some backstory, my gf is pretty… independent let’s say. Some boundaries she’s made clear is that I do not get to tell her what to do and I quote “if I feel the need to, I might as well break up with her” at first this wasn’t an issue, and maybe it was a red flag idk. I thought it was reasonable at the time.
By the way, this wasn’t my only justification. I also believe that if by default she thinks it’s appropriate to cuddle with other men, then we just don’t see eye to eye on these things. Like, the fact alone that she thinks this is appropriate is telling to me.
Back to the break up, I don’t think she expected this, and she asked to talk about it. I told her there wasn’t much to talk about, and reminded her of her rule she told me. I told her this makes me extremely unfortunate, but I’m not gonna tell her what to do. She told me she can compromise on this, and that she could stop.
I told her I don’t want this kind of dynamic. My now ex told me I’m not letting her make it right.
Comments
FAFO, She laid a rule, you followed it.
NTA
might want to share on r/maliciouscompliance
Why would you want to be with someone whose judgement is so flawed in the first place? The moment she mentions she “cuddles” with other men, you shouldve ran away. She will learn the hard way that her decision making process is hilariously wrong.
She basically cheated
YTA, there is a difference between telling someone what to do and expressing your feelings respectfully.
You didn’t have to tell her to stop. All you had to say was “This makes me really uncomfortable because I would not cuddle with anyone else when I am with you out of respect. This is kinda a boundary for me. I’m not going to tell you, or even ask you, to stop because you already made it clear that is not the kind of relationship you want to have. So I am saying this is my boundary, if you want to try to work on things still and make adjustments for each other let me know. Otherwise, I get it if you would prefer to end things here.”
That is the respectful and mature conversation to have.
You are very literal and you are probably not suitable for a relationship right now.
Having boundaries and letting your partner know isn’t telling her what to do
Boundaries is letting your partner know what makes you comfortable and what isn’t comfortable, so that they can then decide if that is outside of what they expect.
Relationships requires this, because no one is a mind reader, your GF doesn’t know what is and isn’t acceptable for you, and people all have habits that they need to told about so that they can then decide if they want to change to build a more staple relationship.
Of course, if in the past, before she tells you her rule, you were trying to set boundaries and she mistook it as you telling her what to do, then I can understand you using it back at her then breaking up with her.
your post just sounds like she attacked your ego with that rule, then you are gloating for finally finding a way to use it on her as if its a victory.
If I mistook your intentions, then I will apologize, but from what I gathered, It just sounds like you also need to learn a bit on how to have a healthy relationship.
why she would ever think that’s ok is bizarre.
NTA
I reckon a bit of a conversation beforehand would have been better, but at the same time, NTA, for respecting her rule
NTA. You’re allowed to break up with someone, and realizing that your approaches to relationships (including friendships) conflict is a good reason.
Well as people like to say, youre allowed to break up for any reason at all.
You just cut out any possible bs that could arise. If she thinks that its okay to cuddle up on other guys in a relationship, im sure that conversation (that REALLY shouldnt need to be had, if she had more than two braincells to rub together) wouldve gone great.
Insecurity is an ugly trait.
NTA!!!! How is he the bad guy when she is the one snuggling with other men when she’s in a relationship. Shit I would do the same if I was in his situation that’s disrespectful to their relationship and to OP
NTA
You decided you aren’t compatible and that’s totally fine my guy. Literally what dating is for
NTA at all
Nta. Cuddling is a deal breaker. Sorry if that pisses someone off.
I wish people wouldn’t sexualize affection so much because it would really make relationships and friendships much easier.
NAH. You seem to have opposite views about physical contact and intimacy so I would say that you are not compatible. Moreover she is very “take me as I am or don’t take me at all” so breaking up is wise here and will save you both some time and some tears. Now perhaps she is more open to compromise than what she told you initially. But if this is indeed the case, she should be more honest about it.
NTA. Her thinking it’s ok to cuddle with guys when she’s in a relationship with you is just bizarre. Even if it doesn’t mean anything to her…at least one of those guys are likely in the friend zone and thinking “there’s a chance.”
1.) I don’t personally cuddle with my female friends, but some females are super touchy and just feel comfortable enough it’s not weird to them. But cuddling with the male friends would be a deal breaker if I were in your position. 1.) When and why is she finding herself cuddling with male friends. And 2.) OK so you’re allowed to cuddle with female friends ?? I would ask her that question and see if she has a problem with YOU doing it.
NAH
She gets to cuddle with whomever she wants, and you get to break up for that reason, any other reason, or even no reason.
NTAH
She communicated to you that if you were going to communicate a boundary, then you might as well break up because she does what she wants
You should have broken up the moment she made that statement
The only mistake you made was waiting so long
good on you for respecting her boundaries but if she wishes to talk about it i think you should because she may with to listen and and respect you boundaries on this issue
The guys, that she’s cuddling with, are just waiting their time. NTA
Might get downvoted for this, but honestly NAH in my opinion. You had boundaries, she had boundaries. Breaking up on the spot without an in depth conversation was a bit harsh, but you did give your reasons at least. I’m saying this as somebody who really likes platonic affection. My partner can cuddle with eir friends, and ey let me do the same with mine. I know that not everyone feels that way and that we’re probably in the minority, but I still don’t think it’s fair to view platonic affection as a red flag just because it’s not something you’re used to. Either way, no asshole’s here imo
I mean she said she was gonna cuddle her guy friends and that wasn’t gonna change. She basically said fuck you, deal with it and gsvr you no room for compromise which is her choice.
So you said okay, Im not okay with to that, we are done.
Sounds like she got exactly what she wanted, so what’s the problem?
NTA honestly respect for being mature and keeping your word, any woman who even thinks like that in general aint worth the extra effort
I mean…ESH.
Her rule was dumb and the moment she said it, this was the inevitable outcome. So she sucks for saying it.
But, also, you should know that there is never going to be a perfect partner for you, and it’ll take some communicating and compromising with each other no matter who it is, right?
It sounds like she thought she had the upper hand in the relationship. Maybe she even thought she was a bit better than you and you would never consider dumping her. You’d just fall back in line and kiss her ass.
Nice move dude. Enjoy your freedom and find a woman that respects you and wants to be equals .
Nta it sounds like she uses her hard boundaries to force others to cross theirs. You called her bluff and she immediately changed her stance. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone with this outlook and that’s okay.
Hahahahaha I love this for you. Wanna bet that she’d be singing a different tune if you were the one that cuddled your woman friends?
Her “no one tells me what to do” is a red flag. What she really meant was, I don’t have to have normal monogamous boundaries. You made an awesome call, good head on your shoulders
Cuddling with other men is bananas… NTA, i too would’ve broken up with her. Imo that’s basically cheating
nta
yo wtf.
he has her boundaries and u have urs. she doesnt meet ur standards so its ok to breakup.
just tell her u like ur dick sucked my soem female friends and if she has a problem she can breakup.
Lol definitely NTA. Well done for having the world’s most normal boundaries and simultaneously respecting your ex gf’s boundaries by not demanding she changes.
NTA
Guaranteed if you’d have framed it any other way, you’d be labelled as manipulative.
Good work 👏
No asshole here!
It is valid that this is a boundary for you. It is okay for you to have a boundary and not want to be with someone who cuddles platonically with friends.
It is also valid for her to have the boundary that she can cuddle platonically with friends.
You guys didn’t align and that’s okay! Because even if she did agree to stop cuddling with friends… there is a HIGH possibly she would resent you at some point. Or resent the boundary.
I am someone who wants to cuddle and give deep long hugs to people. I was in a relationship momentary where he told me I couldn’t do that anymore. I agreed. But deep down I felt resentment. I felt sad because I love that time with friends and I hug people for a long time in the name of healing (energy worker here).
I ended it and realized I won’t let that happen again. I can’t be with someone who puts that boundary on me. It doesn’t make anyone bad, wrong, or controlling. It just means those people don’t align in a relationship!
NTA, besides the entire rule about breaking up if you wanna tell her what to do, I think you’re right to break up because it’s a major incompatibility if she thinks it’s appropriate to do that in the first place. You avoided any potential fights about insecurities, jealousy, or anything else that might get brought up. More people should date others they’re compatible with instead of trying to change the other person
Edit: I just want to add that the biggest red flag is her saying that she’d rather break up. That would be when I’d break up with the other person. A person who outright claims they don’t care to compromise is not someone worth pouring time and energy into
Idk but I do think you’re more TA. It’s not a boundary if you never set it. You should’ve told her “hey I don’t like that” and if she fought back and tried to justify it then yeah dump her. She didn’t cross your boundary because you never communicated it.
YTA for not setting a boundary and giving her an opportunity to respect it.
NTAH
You respected her rules and held them 100%. Nothing to see here folks….. 👮👮🏼
I don’t know man, kinda sounds like she dodged a bullet.
If you feel you need to break up with someone, you are under no obligation to talk to them about it first. You are not the asshole. And my opinion, if you’re in a relationship it is extremely inappropriate to cuddle with anyone of the opposite sex. Even family.
NTA,
She made it clear that she didn’t care about any of your concerns and basically told you to go fu$k yourself if you didn’t like what she does, but in a polite way in the form of ( just break up with me)!!
Your morals are definitely not compatible with hers.
At a certain point in tim, she would open your relationship or start flirting with others.
You did a fantastic job to protect your dignity, move on, and next time, choose wisely.
Yea I wouldn’t want to touch her after that. Imagine going on a business trip and she needs a male cuddle buddy. Next is open relationship.
The only way you would NEED to have a conversation about cuddling outside of the relationship is if you think you should be allowed to. She didn’t have a discussion with OP about how she should be allowed to do this (outside of setting the clear boundary that she won’t be told what she can or can’t do). It is an unspoken rule that you don’t do intimate things, including cuddling with the opposite sex, outside of the relationship and you shouldn’t need to set that as a boundary. OP didn’t do anything wrong, she told him upfront that she wouldn’t be told what to do. He followed that by breaking up with her over finding out that she sometimes cuddles with male friends, explained this was a deal breaker rather than telling her she can’t do that, which she didn’t want him to do in the first place. Doing anything other than telling her that was a deal breaker and breaking up with her, would be trying to tell her what she can or can’t do or giving her an ultimatum to not do it or they would be over would be manipulation. Speaking as someone who USED to be like her(I was young and immature) and hell bent that I wouldn’t be told what I could or couldn’t do, it would have led to an argument and nothing would have been solved. She felt like she wasn’t doing anything wrong by cuddling with other guys that weren’t OP, and maybe it was innocent, but had she been given the chance to correct the behavior, she got away with it this time, she’d likely try again and she most likely would have started to resent OP and his boundary.
Updateme
NTA, you’re entitled to break up with somebody no matter what the reasons. I am a lot like your ex, I cuddle with all my friends both male and female (I’m a guy btw) and I would not date a person who has an issue with this. All my friends are like this, whether they are in a relationship or not. You did the right thing by breaking up with her so she can continue her friendships without crossing your boundaries.
Yeah, there should have been a conversation when she mentioned her boundary because that’s pretty wide open and is basically saying she’d do whatever she wants and her partner’s feelings be damned.
But here we are. NTA
Nahh brudda you made the right decision
You can break up with someone for any reason you want, but you do sound controlling and you should work through your insecurities before dating other people
By all indications all of this is 100% platonic cuddling, that doesn’t mean it will suddenly become non platonic cuddling. Hell you’re even threatened by your partner cuddling another woman with no indication she’s bi. Unless you have actual reason to think she’s cheating or would it’s wild to try to control friendships that have existed long before you were around. Humans need touch, it’s not always a bad thing
Nta
NTA, you’re allowed to breakup whenever you want for whatever reason
YTA
I think there’s definitely context missing from this. You’re not TA for having a boundary or being uncomfortable but the way you went about it makes you TA. Cuddling isn’t cheating, however it is a boundary that if crossed after discussion(keyword) of it being a no, is grounds for a breakup. It is not a red flag that she said you don’t get to tell her what to do, you were right for thinking that was reasonable, your partner isn’t your parent. This is the first time the topic had been brought up and she offered to not do it again and to alter her behaviour in a way that was respectful to your dealbreakers. If this was within the first month of dating the way you went about it would’ve been fine but you do owe something to people when you’ve been together for awhile, as long as they never did anything horrible. So while obviously you’re not obligated to get back together, you were TA here.
She made the line in the sand. You will not tell me what to do, not that we can talk about it, not that we can compromise etc
You saw problems and you did what she wanted
Glad you stuck to your guns and put her out. No one wants constant drama with their partner
ESH
She said you don’t get to tell her what to do..which honestly should be the case in any relationship. Everyone is there own person. Yes some people will willing submit but that’s not the same thing.. they have to allow themselves to submit to you via trust. but that didn’t mean you weren’t allowed to talk about your feelings and things that make you uncomfortable so a conversation would’ve be warranted first then she would make the decision if she would want to stop that behavior. If she doesn’t want to then you break up with her. Instead you took it as “I can’t tell her I don’t like this so I’m just going to break up instead of talking to her about it first”. But also you’re allowed to just break up with her for any reason even without a conversation or warning. So it depends on if you thought it was worth a conversation. I agree any girl that thinks it’s ok to cuddle with male friends while in a relationship would make me think twice regardless.
Not telling her what to do does not equal not having a conversation and allowing her to make her choices. NTA but I think you have a little bit of a misunderstanding about that tidbit
NTA. This “take me for whatever the fuck I feel like being to you in any given moment or leave me bc NO man tells me what to do blah blah” mentality getting out of hand. Glad you called her bullshit.
NTA if she thought it was appropriate to cuddle with other guys than what else is she doing nope those friendships will be problematic in the future and she knows it inappropriate if she was willing to talk about it fine but you cant tell if she going to tell you one thing and do something behind your back
Who the fuck cuddles with other men besides their Bf? In what world would you think that’s okay? Incredibly intimate thing to do with other men you absolutely did the right thing
Cuddling opposite gender friends would absolutely be a no go for me in a relationship
move on. it’s not going to work, because you think you should be able to control who she touches and how, and that’s a dealbreaker for you. Enjoy your waifu pillow.
My guy wtf shes cuddling other men? To the streets she goes
NAH. My bf and I have both cuddled other people on occasion throughout our 2 year relationship, me more than him though. We’re physical people and comfortable with that, so it’s a non issue for us. If he told me to stop at any point, I would have because I value our relationship highly. The cuddling is like not a big deal either way, so it’d easily be worth giving up for our relationship. Maybe she feels the same way? She sees it as nothing, and thus would be happy to give it up for you.
To be fair, my boyfriend and I decided to become polyamorous this last month so my views on stuff like that might not be as relevant to you, and obviously you can break up for any reason, but just offering my perspective.
NAH, some people like to cuddle, you don’t feel comfortable dating overly affectionate people and that’s valid af. Neither one of you demanded the other change. That’s freaking awesome. Some people just aren’t as compatible as their feelings want them to be and that’s no one’s fault. You did good, and I wish both of y’all the best 🏆
Weird not to try compromise first….
Good on you!! Def nta and more people need to learn from you tbh, i do tbh.
NTA.
If you let her compromise her own hard boundary, then the next time she’s inclined to cuddle, or she sees one of her former cuddle buddies, then you are the bad guy. It’s lose-lose for you. You didn’t muddy the issue, so she can directly associate the cuddling boundary with the breakup. Ex-gf needs to find someone who’s ok with the cuddling (rare) or realize most people won’t tolerate it. NTA.
Start cuddling with other girls
You’re right, you are extremely unfortunate
Why are you dying on this hill? Do you not want to be with your gf anymore anyways?
It seems like you wanted to make a point, she was willing to compromise and take back what she said, so if you really wanted to stay with her, a normal couple would have just discussed this. In relationships people change and if they think the person is worth it, they can adjust. She was willing to adjust, you didn’t wanna hear it so it seems to me you either dropped the ball out of pride (rather than let her meet you halfway you were pissed at her for even saying this) or because you just didn’t want to try even if she did. I mean NTA because you’re allowed to break up with anyone you want but she’s NTA either to be honest. And if you still love her and want to make it work then breaking up for this reason is silly. And again if you don’t think she’s worth it then yeah, just break up.
NTAH- This is exactly how early relationships should go. This is the discovery phase and you made one that you do not jive with. You need not seek an answer as she had already stipulated what should happen.
NTA. You can break up for any reason you want.
NTA, lol, she got what she asked for. Oh, wait, I forgot, she doesn’t ask. She just tells you what’s what.
“If you feel the need to tell me what to do you may as well break up with me”
“Ok. Bye.”
And that, my friend, is the only way to handle it. She can be as independent as she wants. Sadly for her, she isn’t getting any younger. It could take her years before she grows up and learns the values of loyalty, fidelity, and appropriate behavior while in a relationship. All the while her dating pool would be getting smaller and smaller.
I’ve lived long enough to witness multiple instances of women like her, with their queen bee attitudes, getting to their mid- 30s and suddenly changing their tune. Next thing you know, they settle for someone whom they’d surely mock and ridicule a decade earlier. With few options remaining and their bio clock blaring alarms in their heads, a queen bee suddenly fancies her boring meal ticket of a man. Go figure.
No. I only cuddle with myself and my blanket. I don’t even have PhilV here in person, and I definitely don’t cuddle with anyone else. If someone has presented myself that way, it is not myself, and they are lying. I only want to be cuddled with PhilV, and I don’t expect him to cuddle around either. Haha.
This is not a difficult thing to do for your significant other.
https://www.reddit.com/r/bodylanguage/s/VCDU6wn6bA
Does your ex gf’s buddies massage her feet too?
NTA, you shouldn’t be forced to train someone what not to do, when it should be obvious. Way to play it right, KING.
NTA, telling your partner they can’t tell you what you’re allowed to do is manipulative at some point, and she was pretty selfish in that moment.
Sounds like she’s got a few fwb
Seems likes she had that rule to see how much she could get away with since she immediately caved when you wanted to breakup, stay away brother she is for the streets and any decent person knows better than to act like that with another guy
Eh… no one’s asshole (NAH). While you did respect her boundaries (good job!) I think a simple talk could have went a long way with this. She said she would have compromised on it. It wouldn’t be telling her what to do if you just simply told her it makes you extremely uncomfortable. Then you could’ve seen what should would say or do next. This part is important because if she loves you, I think she would have stopped cuddling with the guys and just cuddled with the girls.
Cuddling, at least from my point of view, is very intimate it would be weird to do it with someone I don’t love. I’ve only ever cuddled with a few people, for me it’s more intimate than sex. Sex, at least from my point of view, is just fun for pleasures sake. I for sure didn’t cuddle with most the people I had sex with.
IMO I always tell guys to do what’s best for you, because most woman will always prioritize what’s in their best interest regardless of most other factors like bfs, and some of them have the audacity to test the waters even thought they are aware of the most likely consequences. The way she said she cuddle with some guys too, shows she is not thinking about your opinion or reaction to such disrespectful moves. If you think she moves funny and her cuddle moves was just one of many issues you can see than I would suggest leave her, if not, hear her out than make a decision. But fair warning, simply listen than take some time form her and make your own decision, FOR YOUR OWN INTERESTS (decision must be urs not your exs influence).
I mean if you want to break up, fine. Sounds like you don’t want to let her change and so that’s the end. Done, who cares what anyone thinks, you probably have harbored other reasons to break up because it’s weird to not want to give someone a chance to change the behavior.
But YTA for thinking that it’s a red flag for her to think cuddling is acceptable. Why do you need to extrapolate a difference of opinion into something more meaningful than it is? If she’s willing to not do it for the sake of the relationship, that’s all that matters.