So long story short, my fiancé and I have been together since high school and we’re currently planning our wedding. His family has been very involved with the wedding planning and I’ve always been very close to them. I was excited to ask his sister to be in my bridal party but she turned down the idea and instead requested to be a “groomswoman” instead of standing by me because “she’s his family.” Mind you, he didn’t even ask her to be in his bachelor party. After that she tried to further prove her point on why she cannot be in my bridal party, by saying “I’m not your friend or sister, I’m his sister.” I was so distraught because I didn’t expect this reaction at all. The whole “groomswoman” thing really icks me out. My wedding is supposed to be about me and my fiancé becoming family, not her and his sibling relationship. That’s why I told her if she doesn’t want to be my bridesmaid, she won’t be in any party because she will be sitting. Everyone on his side thinks I’m in the wrong for thinking her behavior is weird and hurtful and telling her I would rather her not be apart of the wedding at all. AITAH?
Edit: Also I’d like to add that this is NOT an anti-LGBT post. I’ve been to many weddings where there are bridesmen, groomswomen, etc. My fiancé’s sister is straight, very feminine and has been in bridal party’s for other family weddings. Me and my fiancé both agreed that the role of a bridesmaid fits the theme of our traditional wedding. And she had every right to say no. She did not however have the right to promote herself to groomswoman
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Why is the groomswoman thing icky to you? It’s really not.
Yeah. You are
It’s not icky nor is it uncommon. Honestly you just sound butthurt. YTA
Doesn’t sound like your decision. Does he want her as a groomswoman? If so, then she should be.
Your wedding, your rules.
The “I’m not your friend” tells you everything you need to know about her feelings towards you and the family doubling down tells you what you didn’t want to know about them.
ESH. YTA, she is also TA. I get why she pissed you off, but why is it icky of her to want to be a groomswoman? Nothing wrong with that in general.
Yes, YTA. She wants to be there to support her brother, she doesn’t want to have to be a bridesmaid for a bride she barely knows.
Yeah YTA. Also it’s for your fiancé to decide who is a groomsman or groomswoman, not you.
ESH – people have groomswomen, bridesmen. Seems odd for you to speak for your fiancee in terms of who he can’t have in his party, at least not his sister.
HOWEVER – It is unclear why she’s being so aggressive about it. “I’m not your friend or sister, I’m his sister.” seems pretty in your face. One wonders if there is some unresolved issues between you 2.
YTA
Info: does the idea of “groomswoman” give you the ick because you think it was rude of her to make the request, or because you believe women should be bridesmaids?
NTA, you handled that situation with good judgment… it’s not often you get to set boundaries like that and feel completely in the right.
If your fiancé wants her as his “groomswoman”, I think you have to suck it up. You have the right to express your feelings, but he gets to choose who stands with him. I think his sister is just trying to create drama but that’s really beside the point. Good luck.
You’re going to get absolutely crucified here for your opinion on her being a groomswoman, but it’s your wedding so do what you want. I’m sure I’m gonna get down voted into oblivion as well.
I think some people are focusing on your aversion to the term “groomswoman” rather than seeing the actual issue. She was invited to have a role in a way you and your partner saw fit then was rude in her rejection of that. She has every right to say no, but not to demand a different role, and it makes sense that her response was hurtful to you since you saw the relationship differently. I would kindly accept her refusal and allow your husband to deal further with her demands. NTA.
Rescind the invitation of being in the wedding party since you nor your FH want her to be on his side either. With her behavior it sounds like she would be a nightmare anyways
“My wedding is supposed to be about me and my fiancé becoming family, not her and his sibling relationship.”
Well, it’s his wedding too – not just yours. You may not have a sister, but your fiancé does. She wants to be there for him, as part of the celebration – what’s wrong with that? You are not related to her yet.
I’m of the mindset that while you pick your MOH and bridesmaids, he picks his side.
If your fiance wants her to be his groomswoman, then she is. If he does not, then he doesn’t ask.
It is interesting to me that you don’t even MENTION him beyond “we’ve been dating since high school”. How old are you? Her wanting to be on his side of the church isn’t necessarily weird at all – and may have nothing to do with you, frankly, and everything to do with her relationship with her brother and her thoughts on what it means to be an attendant in a wedding – some really do see it as a “I publicly support this wedding and this person whom I have moral, legal, and emotional ties to making these vows, and I promise to support them in maintaining this marriage.” If she’s one of these people (as am I) – her closest tie is to her brother. If not for him, she would not have a relationship with you – that is just how it is at this point in your lives.
There’s nothing wrong with men having women as groomswomen. What hurt is that my future sister-in-law refused to be my bridesmaid and then asked to be a groomswoman instead along with crude comments, not because she’s especially close to my fiancé, but to make me feel less like family. I don’t want to feel excluded or pushed aside on my own wedding day. If my fiancé had asked her to be on his side, I would have NO PROBLEM with it. But we decided that the role of a bridesmaid fits our wedding best.
a little petty, but i get it.
Play the long game. Allow her to be a “groomswoman” at your wedding, on the condition that your husband will be “bridesman” at her wedding. Then look forward to the look on her face when he shows up at the church wearing a bridesmaid gown.
She is so wrong. Obviously going to be hard to bond in that family
Maybe she wants the father of the bride position. Every bit as silly
What in the F? You don’t decide that you are going to be a groomsman. You get asked by the groom. Sister is totally out to lunch in left field here. Sister had better calm down. It would be bad if she had to be uninvited from the whole dang wedding.
She clearly hates you OP lol that’s honestly an insane thing to say to someone who is marrying your brother. You were too nice to even ask her. Deff NTA and I would not ever get her a Christmas present since you aren’t friends or sisters. 😂
I honestly don’t understand the hate for you on here.
NTA
NTA for wanting a traditional wedding with traditional roles. You probably don’t want a flower boy either.
You are an asshole for how you’re presenting it here. In this day and age of inclusivity you’re making it sound like an aversion to transgender people or masculine presenting lesbians.
Assuming that’s not your problem (you didn’t say), I can understand not wanting the flow of the wedding party disrupted by a woman among men in a dress or a tux. Without an easy or obvious answer (is masculine presenting lesbian and everyone knows it, or is standing as “best woman”) it’s going to take the attention away from the bride and groom as people speculate why she’s there and not with the bridesmaids.
But saying it makes you feel icky or gives you the ick is implying there’s something wrong with the sister, vs not wanting a jarring difference in the bridal party.
Updateme
>“I’m not your friend or sister, I’m his sister.”
Variations of this line can be used for years, especially when she bellyaches about not being in the wedding party.
NTA, but your future sister in law sure is.
NTA.
You’re arguing it all wrong. While you’re right that it should be about you and your future husband, the real argument here is why she’s choosing to not support her brother’s choice by being on your side of the aisle. She obviously has something against you, and even said so herself when she said that she’s not your friend nor your sister.
NTA…
Except one tiny part that I will give you the benefit of the doubt on. Its a little worrisome you made this whole post and not once said “I talked to my fiance, he thinks……. ” . At the end of the day his is the only other opinion that should matter.
YTA
If she doesn’t want to be a bridesmade then why force her?
Wtf?
If she isn’t even groomswoman, let her not be
Big YTA
I was a bridesmaid for my sister and a groomswoman for my brother so I don’t see the issue here.
How does your husband feel about it? He should get a say. It’s actually not weird or uncommon. You are being a bridezilla and causing drama where there shouldn’t be any.
I know it’s about how she responded but I don’t like “grooms women” either
Umm my only question is does he want her as a “grooms woman” because if he does you get no say in it just as he doesn’t get a say on your bridesmaids unless they are ex’s or people that would cause drama and then the question would be why invite those people to begin with. If he does want her and you keep saying no the. YTA and also YTA for thinking it’s weird that a woman stands with the groom. Grow up.
You’re wrong and the AH. If his sister wants to be a “groomswoman” why does it bother you so much? She is right, she’s his family, so she wants to stand up with her brother, what’s the issue? Why are you dictating who should be included and who shouldn’t? This is not a way to start off a marriage.
NTA- your future sister-in-law is making an unnecessary stance and causing wedding drama.
I wouldn’t even comment on the groomsman thing especially if they’ve already been chosen.
Don’t make it a battle between the 2 of you – which sounds like late advice. She said no thanks to you and you went with someone else- the end!
Does sister-in-law really want to all the groomsman responsibilities… come on! How old is she? Ridiculous!
Your wedding and she needs to grow up and stop being a rude and entitled brat! AND… your fiance needs to grow a set and stand up for you with his family.
Can’t help but notice that in your comments on a deleted post you mention you are the oldest of your siblings and pregnant . So your shaming someone who is younger then you for wanting to be on their brothers side?
NTA. She is. But let your fiancé interact with her from now on.
NTA Wedding party invites are not pick and choose. If you want the role that has been requested of you, graciously accept. If you don’t want the role, graciously decline. You don’t get to say “yeah no cuz I wanna be this instead”. That’s not how this works.
If she had discussed it with your fiance and he had said yes and forgot to tell you, that would be one thing.
She was either incredibly thoughtless or deliberately hurtful.
You dont say what your BF’s feelings are. If he doesn’t want her on his side, he can tell his family that.
What does your fiancé think about it?
If he wants her as a groomswoman, then you might have overstepped.
He should have been the one dealing with his family though. I mean you could have responded with some tact and regrouped. “That’s not what we were expecting, but let me check with fiancé.” And then let him figure out how you two want to handle it together.
What does HE think about your choice to exclude his sister all together? While she was rude in her thoughts about not being your friend or sister, does your soon to be husband have any say on who gets to stand with him?
Nah. Your day not hers.
Seems like ESH. Mostly her for demanding the kind of role she wants at someone else’s wedding, and how rudely she dismissed your invitation to be a bridesmaid. But also you for clutching your pearls and being “distraught ” over the suggestion of a groomswoman being too woke for your traditional theme.
OP is wrong, let the sister be a grooms woman
NTA. Have your wedding however you want. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t show up, though, or pulls some crap. I would make sure your MOH and his best man know to be on the lookout for her and have your permission to deal with any issues she causes. You need to enjoy the day instead of dealing with any nonsense.
YTA and a bit controlling. Who your fiancée chooses to stand beside him at his wedding is his decision.
Why did you tell her that? You gave yourself this problem, because now it seems like you decided she wasn’t allowed to be on her brother’s side.
She doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid. Why is that so difficult to grasp?
ESH. Her reaction to being asked to be in the bridal party was incredibly rude to say the least. She could have kindly said she is honored but wishes be a groomswoman.
If she wishes to be a groomswoman and that’s what your fiancé prefers, it’s his choice. You shouldn’t make a decision for him. The way she said it and behaved makes it now disrespectful towards you if he agrees. Your future SIL created a big mess for her brother.
Her behavior is weird and hurtful. You learned your first lesson: Your in laws are not your friends. You saw your in laws reaction to you being hurt what any normal person would be hurt over being rejected when asking someone to be in their bridal party. I would strongly suggest you do premarital counseling.
I know you feel “close” to your in laws but I am pretty sure it’s one sided and there will be more friction in the future. Your fiancé needs to learn to handle friction between his family of origin and the family he will have with you. He needs the ability to enforce boundaries and shut down disrespect towards you. He should also be able to shut down any disrespect you may show towards his family. He needs to be fair. I think your reaction is valid but you can’t decide that he doesn’t have any groomswoman. You should have had a private conversation with him that you like traditional roles in a wedding and if your sister doesn’t want to be in the bridal party, it’s her choice. He could have then thought about what he wants and discussed it with you. Whether he wants her as a groomswoman or not he should address his sister because she was completely disrespectful in my opinion. I predict she’s going to be an issue in the future. Your other in laws siding with her also tells you their prerogative.
I feel like there’s a lot missing info here because how does your fiance feel? Does he want her as a groomswoman? Why does your SIL dislike you this much? I feel like some facts were strategically left out.
You’re not wrong to be hurt – what she said was rude and harsh and quite frankly, unnecessary. She could have politely turned it down another way. But she didn’t, because she doesn’t like you and what’s more, she wanted to make damn sure you knew it. So…you say you’re very close to his family, but obviously that’s not entirely true. Thus me thinking you’ve cherry picked what details to include here because you want validation.
I think a lot of people are going to rush to validate you because what she said was extremely rude, but I would take a moment to reflect before going nuclear because family dynamics are complicated and like it or not, you’re stuck with your in-laws. If you and your fiance feel that she is being unreasonable and do decide to ban her from having any role in the wedding other than guest, he needs to go back to his family and reiterate why she will not have a role, and he needs to manage the fallout.
YTA – it’s not just your wedding. Let your fiancé handle his sister
Like tbh its more logical to be in oarty of your fam member then gender division. Maybe she thinks like that. If she doesnt know you it might feel weird
What did your SO say? Let him manage his family
She can be in his party ? What’s the problem ?
NTA my brother was best man and his sister was matron of honor, that being said I had a dear friend who was shaping up to be the worst bridesmaid ever, I asked if she wanted to be a driver, she was thrilled. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we think they should but they work out for the best.
NTA
But I would let your fiancé handle any reactions from his family.
You make the decisions about who is in your bridal party. Your fiancé decides who his groomspeople will be. In this case, he decided he wanted a traditional line up and wanted all guys. No harm, no foul. His sister was not left out because you graciously offered to let her be a bridesmaid. However, she declined.
If anyone says anything to you directly, simply deflect. “I’m not sure where Mary got that idea, but John didn’t ask her to be a groomswoman. He has something more traditional in mind. I tried to include her by asking her to be in my bridal party, but she declined. Of course we are looking forward to having her there to celebrate with us.”
YTA. The groomsmen are supposed to be ‘his people’. The bridesmaids ‘her people’. There are some crossovers to balance the groups or as a token. But it’s not something you should demand as a condition for her being there for her brother.
What do you mean by bachelor party?
Do you mean groomsmen?
NTA.. she shouldn’t be offering herself to positions she was never asked to be in. But let your fiancé handle his sister when it comes to this matter now.
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