So the other week, my dad’s wife (i say that kindly as I dont see her as a step Mom and they got married when I was an adult. I never even lived with her) had to have her entire right kidney removed due to finding cancer on it. This was a sudden thing and she just went to the ER on a Tuesday with pain in her side, assuming at the worst it was appendicitis or something. They found a mass on the kidney and she was set to have it removed by that Friday. My dad kept us (my husband and I) updated on how she was doing and when the doctors shared anything. We made plans to visit the hospital that Saturday but were told in the morning that she was still not feeling well and wanted to rest. So we planned to visit when she got home and bring a meal. When she was released the doctors said no visitors for a few weeks as to not catch any viruses and a strict diet for now. So we figured we would just have to wait to visit until it was safe to do so.
During all this my father texted with updates as he got them. I offered condolences, help if they needed any, and asked for him to keep us updated when he could. I didnt reach out myself as I figured it was already a stressful time and knew he would let us know things as he knew them. I texted his wife personally and shared pictures of our cats that she loves and told her to “be like them and rest” (she’s a very busy body person so resting is not a thing she does well) and to let me know if she needed anything. She is usually the type of person to send huge novels of texts but this time she just “loved” the text and that was it.
After the surgery my dad still updated us and let us know the changes to our visiting plans. I wasn’t sure what else I was supposed to do at this time. Apparently more?
I got a looong text from his wife saying this situation has made her rethink some things. She mentioned how 30-40 people texted both her and my dad asking to help or bring meals and offer support. And how they checked in every other day even without them texting first. Now maybe I didnt reach out as much as I should have? But I definitely responded to each update and offered help and tried to visit but was unable to. She was upset also that my husband didnt personally reach out to her, but being as its my family and my husband and I are “one” that my responses and involvement was enough? I also am some one who prefers to be left alone when sick, I dont like the coddling, so I guess I just applied that to this situation thinking I was being kind by giving space for healing.
As back story, my dad divorced my mom and the wife divorced her husband and they got together pretty quick after. She has a daughter and I was an only child too. The wife was never an “evil step mom” actually quite the opposite and almost annoyingly so. They got together in my senior year of high school and given i already had all the teen angst, a divorce and immediate integration of a new person was not the best. I was seen as “ungrateful” and “mean” and when my dad asked my feelings on him dating her and I said I wasn’t a fan of the idea he said “am i not allowed to be happy?”. They also wrote my husband and I a letter saying how they felt so left out of our wedding planning (we included them as much as we could, but even when asked to help with tasks it was always excuses of being busy) and didnt want to “keep putting their hearts out there” (same words she used this time too). They came to our house and read it to us, basically telling us how bad of people we are and “uncaring”.
She has this idea of us all being this family unit. That we are a “blended” family. Of course we are to the extent of she married my dad and so me, her, my dad, her daughter, and now my husband are a family. But by divorcing the other partners, that still leaves us with 2 whole other families (for us a 3rd including my husbands). Like i said, I never lived with them or her daughter so while I see them as family, I guess I just dont see us as this single unit that she does?
Maybe i ended up dumping more then I needed to, and im doing my best to not make myself spiral with this as many if the situations with them have done in the past, but it still urks me so much that they are the victims in like everything. Cancer and emergency surgery is of course horrible and support is needed in those times and I thought I provided the best support I was able to at the time, but I still knew deep down that this woild somehow get turned on me.
Comments
Sounds like she is an attention seeker and your father is her enabler.
This is what your response to her needs to be (Replacing She with You)
She has this idea of us all being this family unit. That we are a “blended” family. Of course we are to the extent of she married my dad and so me, her, my dad, her daughter, and now my husband are a family. But by divorcing the other partners, that still leaves us with 2 whole other families (for us a 3rd including my husbands). Like i said, I never lived with them or her daughter so while I see them as family, I guess I just dont see us as this single unit that she does?
NTAH I Struggled with the part where your dad asked you how you felt about him dating after he divorced your mom. You were honest but apparently didn’t give him the supportive answer he was looking for, he and his wife sound very selfish. Main character vibes fs. Feels like it’s difficult to do anything right due to the high expectations they have of you and your husband. Take it all with a grain of salt cause I truly do not know what more you could have done under the circumstances 🫶🏼
NTA. She’s hurt about something else, and she’s using the message-counting and meal offers as a replacement for what’s really bothering her. Here’s three guesses, of what’s really bothering her.
(1) A brush with death can bring up big stuff. Especially if she has no biological children of her own, she might feel sad about not having more of a legacy in the next generation. Maybe your father tried to “problem solve” her sadness by claiming his family is hers too. And maybe your father didn’t think to warn you that he promised her a relationship with you, as if that’ll make her stop worrying about existential issues of legacy and death.
(2) Maybe she’s still upset from your high school irritation at your father dating.
(3) It sounds like she’s not communicating well with your father, or else she would know that your father told you not to offer food, due to the special diet. In a subtle sense, your father’s messages to you have been saying, all along, “It’ll be OK, you can visit later.” Apparently his messages were “going against” her wishes, because she wanted to be fussed over, and wanted to be showered with attention. He might have been tired of the fuss, and he might have been “projecting” (meaning that he spared you from fussing over her, because he himself wanted less fuss.) In which case, you might be the scapegoat in an unspoken marital disagreement, where she wants more emotion and he wants less emotion.
NTA tell your dad to deal with her.
Tell her to fuck off.. that your life doesn’t and never will revolve around her
Nta
Tell your dad’s wife to grind up whatever painkiller she has been prescribed, mix it into some Vaseline, and smear it on her chest to calm her tits down.
NTA
NTA
She is the “evil stepmom”, she’s just smart and evil. She is driving teeny tiny wedges between you and your father, lots of them. All of which make you sound “ungrateful” and “mean”. If you’d have contacted her like she said others did, then you would have been smothering and overbearing.
You may need to decide if a relationship with your father or your peace is more important. She isn’t treating you like the blended family they claim you all are, she’s treating you like the stray dog she can kick out at and your father is allowing her to. Irrespective of your age, he ain’t in your corner.
Wow – she sounds like a B—-! Talk to your dad and share your feeling with him!
NTA. I don’t get what more your stepmother expected from you. You checked in with her regularly, and your father was there with her to take care of her. And expecting her son-in-law to send his own separate messages of support is bizarre.
NTA
I applaud you for even allowing her to text you. You checked in, so I’m not sure what else she expected. She had more than enough people concerning themselves with her.
When my father remarried I didn’t concern myself with his new family. Lol. He’s my only concern 🤷♀️
Maybe point oot the fact that literal millions of people go on living with one kidney… and also the fact that women are better than whatever she’s going for with this bullshight, so she should kindly stop embarrassing us all. 😅
NTA. They’re attention seekers who enable each other! Honestly, they sound exhausting & insufferable. I probably would’ve cut them both out of my life before now, but at this point you definitely should do it because wtf ew… they’re acting like such losers!!! Tell stepmom to go fuck herself!
No good deed goes unpunished.
NTA
Text back “sorry you feel that way. Guess I figured you had a husband and your own child to take care of you. If my offers of help weren’t enough consider them rescinded. Hope you feel better. See you at Christmas”
>She mentioned how 30-40 people texted both her and my dad asking to help or bring meals and offer support.
So what, exactly, could you possibly offer that hadn’t been covered already?
“Dad’s wife, I’m sorry you feel like we don’t care enough/provide you with enough support/include you. But every time we do make the effort, it is rejected or criticized by you for a wide & changing variety of reasons. As our best is apparently never good enough, please be advised we will no longer spend the effort trying. Have a good life. Best, Miss-Ostrich and DH.”
And drop the rope.
NTA. You did a lot so don’t give either one of them another thought. They sound needy and entitled.