Every year my husband I make canned goods from produce from our garden and our local market into sauces, salsas, pickles, butters, soups and everything inbetween. Each year we send an email to my side of the family (we’re a distance apart and only see them on Christmas), with all the canned foods we’ve made and ask if anyone would like anything and bring it to Christmas for them. Everyone is very enthusiastic responding to the email but not much is said when we arrive with everything.
Don’t know if this makes a difference but my family is well off, not mansion on the seaside wealthy but they all have big houses and new cars every few years. My husband and I are not, we moved away and happily live in a small rented farmhouse in the countryside with all our cats, a small orchard and a few gardens.
Back to the point, every year we offer canned goods and bring what is requested. It’s getting disheartening that I never once get a text or anything like“hey you jam was delicious!” We also send canned goods to my husbands family, mostly mail them out of state for Christmas gifts. I get texts all the time from in laws and step in laws that they enjoyed the food we sent, and it’s so rewarding for us to know that. We also give our canned goods to our neighbors, an elderly neighbor very close to our heart always shares her appreciation via phone calls.
I feel like I’m being selfish by not offering canned goods to my family that don’t seem to appreciate it as much as in laws and neighbors, AITAH?
Comments
If they dont respond, dont offer again.
A lot of materialistic people look down their noses at homemade gifts, which might be what’s happening. You’ve got a limited amount of food you can give. Better to give it to people that appreciate it. NTA.
I’m of the mind if they don’t really give thanks or even let you know how it tasted, stop offering it to them. Could be they think they’re being nice by taking it when they don’t even use it.
Canning is a lot of work, so give to people who will appreciate it.
NTA. If it’s not well received, it sounds like a lot of effort to go to. Would it be more effort on your part to get them alternative gifts?
Don’t give it to them. As someone who also has a garden and does stuff like that, if I didn’t receive a thank you or some sort of acknowledgement a single time, that person is getting taken off the list
NTA – you’re over thinking it though. If they don’t give thanks and you don’t enjoy gifting to them: don’t do it.
I do not give out my home-canned items. It’s a huge amount of work and other people don’t recognize or appreciate how much effort (and knowledge) it requires.
They do seem astounded and impressed by my bread, which is a lot less expensive and much easier.
If they don’t say thank you, stop sending them anything, release them from the obligation and yourself from the expectation.
But Huzzah and THAT’s how you do it! to your husband’s family and everyone else who understands what a lovely gesture and gift you’re giving.
ETA: when/if they ask why they didn’t get anything this year, tell them why. Along the lines of “Well, you never acknowledged them, so I thought you didn’t like or want them.” (you could add something passive-aggressive in addition, but keep it simple for starters … 😉)
updateme updateme bot! ’cause I’d love to know how this evolves.
Don’t make it into a one way tradition.
The fact that they respond enthusiastically to your email tells me they really enjoy what you bring. Some people just don’t express gratitude very well. I understand your frustation as there are some in my family who are similar, but just keep giving because it’s kind and generous.
Doesn’t sound like your family really appreciates your hard work of growing and canning your produce. That’s really a shame. I’d say keep them for yourselves and bask in the appreciation you get from others. NTA to skip your family. If they say anything just let them know this wasn’t a very good year and you need to stock your own shelves to save money.
don’t offer, see do they ask, if they do tell them you didn’t think they liked them.
I would appreciate those gifts if I got them. But your ungrateful family don’t bother anymore.
I can and jam. Don’t even bother to send out the list. Give them gift cards with an amount you feel comfortable with. If anyone asks, just tell them since you never got any positive feedback from them, you figured they didn’t actually enjoy the canned goods. And that you have local friends and other family that love them, so that’s who you gave it to.
Simple – give what you feel like giving and let it go at that. Your family doesn’t appreciate your gifts? Okay, that’s 100% on them.
Oh oh just had an idea – trade some of your canned goodies to someone in your community for honey. Tie a ribbon around the top and print up a snotty-looking label including the word “Artisanal”. Each year, give just a little bit less.
Stop offering and giving to people who do not show any appreciation.
If you get asked about it – “oh, I didn’t realize you actually likedor appreciated them. You’ve never said.”
NTA. Skip it this year. When they ask what happened to them, tell them that only people who thanked you for them, got them this year.
NTA, giving is a two way thing, one gives bc they want to do so but a gift is never given without some hope of some sort of thanks and appreciation, that is just how it is. If your family doesn’t thank you and show that they appreciate what you do for them, stop doing for them. You are going to a lot of trouble for people who can’t even tell you how much they enjoyed what you gave them. Instead of gifting them your hard work, switch it up to gift cards, food items you buy or trinkets that don’t matter, just fulfill the obligation. Also consider the types of gifts they give you, are they thoughtful or are they trinkets just to fill an obligation?
NTA
I only give canned items to friends I know will appreciate it. Nta if you stop
Nta they aren’t appreciative you shouldn’t waste your goods on family members that seem more entitled than grateful
Sorry, this year’s crop wasn’t what we had hoped for.
IF anyone asks YOU to bring them something. Don’t ask what they want, let them initiate.
I think your family is just being kind and responding and feeling like it’s something that you can bring as a gift gift when they know you don’t have very much money. Honestly, they probably don’t even trust it and don’t even even use it. I know the same thing as happened to me. I brought fresh eggs to people and found out they were throwing in the garbage because they didn’t trust them somehow. And I’m sure my coops were kept cleaner, and my chickens were much better taking care of and Fed than any other chickens or eggs you could find the store. I would probably just give them a Christmas card and a family photo
Check your family’s pantries next time – the jars are probably still there. They probably just think they’re being “nice” by telling you they want stuff in the first place. Don’t bring any more, it’s wasted on them.
Recipients who are unappreciative and unthankful should be crossed off the list. If they mention that, ‘hey, we didn’t get the jam this year’, you can gently say that it was spoken for by others this year (and all future years) and you didn’t think they’d mind since they never mention whether or not they like it or use it. That should shut them up.
I would actually set up a stand and sell them or take them to your local farmer’s market to earn money for them rather than gift them to your boorish relatives. I can’t believe they didn’t reciprocate in some way AND thank you profusely.
Do they say thanks when you give them the food? Are you expecting an email or call afterwards? In my family, we say thanks in person, and only send an email or card or call if the gift wasn’t received in person. If they’re enthusiastic about telling you what they want, isn’t that appreciation?
These days, some wealthier people live near greenmarkets where farmers bring preserved goods to sell or they live near stores which carry them. It costs a lot, but the increase availability has made it less of delicious novelty.
Or, maybe they may feel they are spending money and you are not spending money. Meaning sometimes wealth makes one forget where things come from, and the value of handmade/homegrown gifts.
But as you point out, it is an enormous effort for you, and not worth giving the “fruits of your labor” to the unappreciative. So don’t do it!
If you show up empty handed and someone finally says something, like “no delicious jam for us this year?” you can respond lightly “oh, you liked it? i wasn’t sure because no one was saying anything. We thought you just liked our pretty faces,” or something light.
Add, “Let me know what you might like in the future. It may not be a big deal to you, but other people seem to go nuts over it. We cannot afford purchased gifts, so we were doing our best. But we get that perhaps it is not worth hauling to these get togethers.”
If they do not value it, maybe they are allowing you to feel you are riciprocating, so are trying to be nice!
You would be better off being “the poor relatives” they are kindly treating with your homemade gifts than trying to buy at their level. If so, SO WHAT? Do not continue doing what is underappreciated. You can’t make people see that handmade food and items are worth ten times today’s quickly forgotten purchased items. But perhaps you have other things in common, and they perhaps are glad you make the effort to travel and and see them.
We can, and it’s a lot of work! I do not think you are an asshole if you don’t give as gifts, especially if it’s not respected.
Thirty years ago, I made homemade jams, salsas, sauces, pickles, etc., and sent them as Christmas gifts to my husband’s family. This was HOURS of work during the hottest time of the year when we didn’t have air conditioning. After my in-laws received the packages, I was thanked but then asked when the Christmas gifts would be coming. Never again.
My sister, BIL, husband, and I recorded a Christmas CD along with several friends and kids for several years, mailed out copies to extended family and others (100+). No response but maybe a card. My MIL offered her critique on the songs she didn’t like. I think this is just the way when people don’t know what effort goes into such endeavors
Have you asked your family for feedback? Maybe be blunt about asking they only take what they will eat because your neighbors like the canned food? There could be some family member or child who loves what you can but their voice isn’t communicated. I’m close with my family and we are blunt with each other. My parents at one point said “stop bringing us jam, we don’t eat it” and will send me home with jam their friends make. One year I made various marmalades and they couldn’t get enough of the marmalade. Edit: totally thought this was r/canning
NTA.
It’s just like the world famous Christmas card list. My mom had a HUGE list. She sent cards every year. People got 3 cards. By the 3rd year if we didn’t get a return card – you were off the list. If we got one later, you’re back on!
Updateme
NTA. This reminds me of the story of the little red hen. I am sorry your family never read it. This is a story commonly told to kids in England, where I was brought up.
https://www.lavendersbluehomeschool.com/blogs/story-the-little-red-hen
I don’t think the average person who has never canned or made jam or so forth really knows or appreciates the labor that goes into it. Not to mention the amount of fruit/veg required just to get a small jar. It sounds like your family doesn’t really appreciate it, so I’d just stop offering and I wouldn’t feel guilty at all–it is a huge amount of work and expense and their lack of gratitude shows it’s not that meaningful to them. It seems like the inlaws do appreciate it, so I’d gift them one or two at Christmas but I wouldn’t solicit orders like you do.