Context: My daughter’s boyfriend’s mother is toxic. She seems to have some sort of mental disorder but because I don’t really know her outside of their relationship I can only call it toxic. A few months ago I blocked her from messaging me after she threatened me about a cash app account my daughter setup under my name for him without telling me (they’re 17). She found the account and because my daughter used my information to set it up it had my name on the transfers. I tried to explain to her that I didn’t know anything about the account but she proceeded to threaten me and demand apologies. She’s been blocked since then and I forbade my daughter from going to their house after she went through my daughter to continue to speak hatefully about me. She has also said many foul things about my daughter.
Fast forward to last week, my daughter wanted to go on a trip with her boyfriend for spring break. I agreed because she told me the boyfriend’s grandmother would be facilitating the trip sans the mother. I paid for her to go and gave her money after she reassured me that the mother wasn’t involved in the trip.
My daughter didn’t call me the entire time she was gone, which was odd as hell. I messaged her a few times but I didn’t want to be overbearing because I understand she’s at the age where personal freedom is important but I couldn’t help but feel like I already knew why.
When she got home I asked to look at the pictures she took and noticed her boyfriend’s mother was tagged in them(iPhone). I clicked on the name and it went to a group text where I could easily see that the mother had been with them the entire trip. I was extremely upset by this and grounded my daughter. I know that prom is important so I didn’t take it off the table at the time but I’d considered it strongly prior to dealing out the consequences.
Today, I get a notification from her school app showing that she’s missing 10 assignments, some of them are a major part of her grade. I bring it up to her and she doesn’t seem to care, brushing it off like I’m bothering her by asking about them. At this point I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do. I tell her that she’s not going to prom. She only replied with, “okay”. I know she cares as this is her Sr prom and I don’t want to take it from her but I don’t see how I can go through with it when she’s shown a consistent lack of care in regards to the rules I set forth as well as her success in school.
Please be honest and tell me if ITAH so that I can get some perspective on this situation before moving forward.
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Context: My daughter’s boyfriend’s mother is toxic. She seems to have some sort of mental disorder but because I don’t really know her outside of their relationship I can only call it toxic. A few months ago I blocked her from messaging me after she threatened me about a cash app account my daughter setup under my name for him without telling me (they’re 17). She found the account and because my daughter used my information to set it up it had my name on the transfers. I tried to explain to her that I didn’t know anything about the account but she proceeded to threaten me and demand apologies. She’s been blocked since then and I forbade my daughter from going to their house after she went through my daughter to continue to speak hatefully about me. She has also said many foul things about my daughter.
Fast forward to last week, my daughter wanted to go on a trip with her boyfriend for spring break. I agreed because she told me the boyfriend’s grandmother would be facilitating the trip sans the mother. I paid for her to go and gave her money after she reassured me that the mother wasn’t involved in the trip.
My daughter didn’t call me the entire time she was gone, which was odd as hell. I messaged her a few times but I didn’t want to be overbearing because I understand she’s at the age where personal freedom is important but I couldn’t help but feel like I already knew why.
When she got home I asked to look at the pictures she took and noticed her boyfriend’s mother was tagged in them(iPhone). I clicked on the name and it went to a group text where I could easily see that the mother had been with them the entire trip. I was extremely upset by this and grounded my daughter. I know that prom is important so I didn’t take it off the table at the time but I’d considered it strongly prior to dealing out the consequences.
Today, I get a notification from her school app showing that she’s missing 10 assignments, some of them are a major part of her grade. I bring it up to her and she doesn’t seem to care, brushing it off like I’m bothering her by asking about them. At this point I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do. I tell her that she’s not going to prom. She only replied with, “okay”. I know she cares as this is her Sr prom and I don’t want to take it from her but I don’t see how I can go through with it when she’s shown a consistent lack of care in regards to the rules I set forth as well as her success in school.
Please be honest and tell me if ITAH so that I can get some perspective on this situation before moving forward.
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> I told my daughter she cannot go to prom because she lied to me and is missing several assignments.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
This is really tough. Prom is something that only happens in high school so she’d never ever get that experience back. Very different from just grounding from regular plans. My mom grounded me once for a similar event (I was being a brat lol so I don’t blame her) but my dad stepped in and renegotiated the punishment. Instead of being grounded one weekend, I got two weeks of being grounded which I saw as fair. I learned my lesson and I appreciated my parents for caring about something had was important to me. It made me see them in a new light and actually improved our relationship. I’d have a very clear conversation with your daughter and explain that you considered grounding her for prom but you’ll choose an alternative punishment that will actually have some effect. But that’s just my advice. I don’t have kids so I won’t presume to tell you how to raise your kid!
If they ain’t acting respectful, they can’t expect handouts like it’s owed to them.
I’m probably going to be downvoted for this but I do think YTA. I understand she’s making a lot of bad choices but you only get one senior prom. If you don’t allow her to go, be prepared for her to never forgive you for it. These generations are all for cutting people off with no regrets.
This is well beyond r/AmItheAsshole …maybe see r/parenting. Parenting teens is tough and ideally you would steer clear of imposing punishments that cause them to miss major milestones, which for some kids prom definitely is. The bigger issue is your relationship with your daughter. Going on a trip with a BF and being out of contact for an entire week is a big problem. Being deceptive about who was on the trip was a big problem.
Furthermore….what’s really the situation with her BF’s mother? Does your daughter like her? It almost seems like they are getting along fine and you’re the odd one out since you’re the one who now has the firm boundary against the BF’s mother that you’re trying to hold your daughter to. While I understand why you find the BF’s mom objectionable, your focus should be on what is best for your daughter and making sure she is on the same page as you. The details here make it seem like, if we were to ask your daughter, you’d be the problem in this situation. Because they evidently decided to keep you in the dark on the mother’s involvement and then went off and had a grand time with the mother.
Communication between you and your daughter is sorely needed. She needs to know that being on a vacation with all expenses paid, by you, should not put you in the position of not even having the courtesy of a reply. Also, why are you so comfortable with her being in the guardianship of…. unknown family members for a week? Who was she really with? What were the sleeping arrangements? Sounds like that trip was a really bad idea and that you cannot fully trust your daughter. I hope you manage to recover it before it’s too late.
I wouldn’t take away a big milestone event because that’s not something she can do later.
It’s one and done or none.
You can levey punishments or restrictions in other ways.
This would also mean you have nothing in future years to look on to say oh high school prom.
I adore my HS kid all dressed to and happy and fresh. I almost cried at pictures last year as just the Mom.
How about something that will effect her like she can’t be at BFs house and loss of electronics at home and not involving homework. So her phone.
YTA for blaming the bf’s “toxic” mom when it sounds like your daughter is lying to you constantly and causing the problems. She lied about setting up a cash app in your name. She lied about the trip. She failed to complete the assignments. Why are you upset with the mother when you should be getting to the root of your daughter’s behavior?
Yta but for your extreme lack of parenting skills. Your daughter made a cash app account for her bf under your name and all you do is say she can’t go to his because of the mother? Then she lies about spring break and you did absolutely zero due diligence to make sure the grandma was actually doing the trip. And you don’t even realize she has 10 assignments due.
You really need to sort your relationship out with your daughter because i can guarantee she’d go to prom behind your back with that response
ESH …. Be careful ….. criticize her bf …. next thing you’ll know is she’s pregnant and living in their basement!
Is there a possibility that she can work on the assignments and turn them in for at least partial credit? If so, I’d work out a plan that for each assignment she completes she get a certain amount for the Prom ticket. If she doesn’t complete the assignment she has to fund her own prom. This way it’s her responsibility to make sure she gets to prom and there are consequences for not doing her work without you taking Prom out of the equation completely.
NTA. This is coming from a girl who was not allowed to date in high school (I still did in secret). However, please have a deeper conversation with your daughter. Why is she missing assignments? It could be because of other reasons, not because she’s preoccupied with her boyfriend. Encourage her further and compromise instead of punishing her by taking away her prom. I’m not a mother and parenting can be tricky but I think there are other ways to handle this.
I was a shitty teenager pretty recently and my suggestion would be a conditional punishment. For example: You cannot go to prom until you complete these assignments. She seems to be putting up a good act about “not caring” to go to prom which almost makes me think she’ll go anyways against your wishes but you know your daughter better than I do. I really think you’re NTAH but a heart to heart should absolutely happen between you girls before prom and discuss not only her success in school and plans for her future but also about your personal issues with her boyfriends mom. Not sure how much you shared with her about that situation but make it very clear you don’t have an issue with her boyfriend but with his mom. I would even consider letting her still visit their house because although her boyfriend’s mom will talk smack about you, if your mother daughter bond is strong enough you will both only grow from the exposure that you’re a human being with thoughts and feelings and experiences of your own. I see this whole situation as only driving a wedge between you two and not keeping anyone safer than before. Possibly even creating a space where your daughter feels she needs to lie to you to be able to see her boyfriend. Again, you know her and y’all’s bond much better than I do but a few years ago these perspectives in my parents would’ve created a much stronger and more trusting bond between us as a family. But whatever you decide, once again, NTAH.
NTA. Ignoring the illegal cash app thing, your daughter has still been lying to you and isn’t completing her assignments, so it is well within reason to give a suitable punishment. It’s up to you if you want to give her the opportunity to make up for her behavior but you are more than justified to withhold prom.
NTA. This is about as close as you can get to a natural consequence for lying about the trip and not doing her school work.
Missing assignments has no consequences at school? Is she even graduating?
You’re her mother, not her friend. Remember, parenting is never easy
NTA and you may want to run your credit report and make sure your daughter does not have credit cards out in your name. Deal with any fraud, freeze your credit and get a pin on your SS number
NTA, sounds like your daughter has been lying to you about a lot of stuff. Suddenly she’s not doing a bunch of assignments. First off you need to have a long talk with her about that, second off prom should definitely be off the table since you apparently can’t trust her at this point.
It’s just prom, she’ll get over it.
NTA.. I’d be taking her phone at all times she is not in school or at a place of employment. I would take away her car if she had one and require her to have a ride from someone in the family with that family member having advance approval from you or your partner. there are a lot of things you can do that while you may be seen as the bad guy in her eyes, will be doing what is best for her. I’d also enroll her in therapy because it seems she needs it. I would contact the school and advise them of the issues with this bf’s mom. There are a lot of things that can be done here. For sure though, she would not be going to prom or any future trip with the bf so long as she lived in my house. She’d be in school every day unless a doctor says she can’t be. She be doing her assignments each day.
At the point you are at, I’d strongly consider a harsh end game of kicking her out. At some point there has to be to much water to throw out and she will need to realize the consequences of her decisions. Sometimes, that only occurs when the parents give up because they have tried literally everything. If she violates the law, turn her ass in. She needs to be penalized. A record at 17-20 can be worked around as you age if you show growth and refusal to fall back into old habits.
So your daughter:
Is she spoiled? Because she sounds like a pretty self-absorbed teenager.
No this isn’t unusual behavior for teens BUT good parenting means letting them figure out that there are consequences for poor choices.
If you do let her go, make it clear that she has lost your trust and is now responsible for every cent and every action. And that means, no, she can’t borrow your car or money or jewelry or whatever.
Consequences.
ESH. By your own account, your daughter defrauded this woman and stole your identity, and you’re calling her the crazy one for expecting an apology. Before calling someone else toxic, you should engage in some self reflection. Your daughter needs to experience consequences for her actions.
I get it, shes messed up, but you’ve just said how important prom is, and so I’m sure you realise that kids go on about prom experience until they are well into their adulthood ( like 40+, still banging on about prom experiences). Stopping her from going to prom because you have an issue with her bf’s mother seems to be the main cause here. Maybe give her a chance to pick up assignments, and on the basis she does, then she can go to prom? Otherwise, you’re not giving her the opportunity to correct her behaviour, and so yeah, you’re would be the A.
This isn’t about her boyfriends mom, if it was about that you would have used her bad grades as an excuse to keep her from going on the trip a few weeks ago….
This is about her lying to you, ignoring her school responsibilities, and you WANTING to send her to prom even though you know she doesn’t deserve to go. So, you’re trying to say its because of this lady you don’t like. YTA.
Yta. Something is going on with your kid. She made a cash app account with your info? She lied about who was going on a trip? She’s apathetic to a big life event? Was she always doing poorly in school or is this new? The part that makes you TA is not addressing these issues properly, or having a conversation with her. She might need to talk to a therapist if she won’t open up to you but it sounds like something is going on with her. What kind of relationship do you have with her?
This is a much more complicated situation than you seem to realize. I think that boy is in a very serious situation at home. For some reason, your daughter feels like she needs to help him financially, which could mean something bad. Also, if she has generally been a good student and is doing bad all of a sudden, something could be going on mentally. My parents were so hard on me in high school. I had undiagnosed and untreated major depression and they made it so much worse. Frankly, they are lucky I am even alive today. I know you feel like you need to punish her, but show her some compassion. And don’t take prom away from her. Do something else for punishment.
Why did you not contact the grandmother and confirm the trip details? This is on you. Why is your daughter setting up an account with your name? With no permission or consequences. Why is your daughter not doing her homework? Do you not ask about her school work/grades? She obviously could care less about prom given her reply; you seem more upset about her missing that she does. I’m not saying bf’s mom isn’t toxic, but most of your issues have nothing to do with the woman. YTA for not recognizing that you are part of the problem.
FAFO.
It’s not like she not old enough to understand what consequences are.
The BF’s mom is NOT the issue here. Lying about the BF’s mom’s involvement in the trip and the missing assignments are the issue.
First off I think you are giving her a lot of freedom for a 17 teen year old, for some teens this is okay but it sounds to me she is taking advantage of your leniency.
First the whole cash app situation, does she understand that illegal?
Second, she knew that mother was involved with the trip, she lied and is still lying.
Third, 10 missing assignments?
She needs to be grounded and locked in the house, where she can finish her assignments.