Ok I really need to know AITAH because my whole family apparently thinks I am.
Here’s the situation. My son turned 7 and for his birthday he wanted to go to the lake/beach just a few minutes from our home. So I had planned to just go with us 4 (me, boyfriend, and our 2 sons). The night before his birthday my mom reaches out and says she would like to see him and asked if we were doing anything. In the past, I’ve thrown elaborate parties for both our boys but lately I’ve started doing more low key bdays as they get expensive and require a lot of planning. I told her that we just intended to go to the beach around 2pm and she was welcome to join if she would like. She tells me her and dad would be joining. Well then, I decided maybe I should invite my brother since it’s turning into a larger get together. I invite my brother last minute (literally remember this is day before) and he confirms that’s he will come with his three kids, but his wife would be staying back. Well, I also have another brother in the area who lives quite a bit farther, BUT I figured at this point I should at least invite him and his family even if he can’t come (which I figured most likely because they are always busy). So I extend the invite to him, again, a super casual invite saying I know it’s last minute but we’ll be at the beach for my sons bday and would love it if he could join. NOW… here’s where it gets sticky I have a sister who lives near me but her and I aren’t on the best of terms. We kind of had a falling out because to be frank, she’s a b*tch towards me. Well, I didn’t want to leave her out…. So again, night before, I text my mom and let her know that I would like my niece and nephew (sisters kids) to come, and asked if she could coordinate with my sister to have them be there. Now this may initially sound odd, but in our family it has been extremely common for my sister and husband to not be at family functions but their kids are (who are teens btw). My mom frequently coordinates to get the kids even if my sister doesn’t come. For example, last thanksgiving we rented a big cabin with my siblings and their kids. Everyone came except my sister and her husband however, their two kids came. My mom basically took over coordinating them to be able and come, per usual. So to me, inviting my niece and nephew through my mom was a sufficient invite and not weird. Plus I figured no way my sister would even be interested in sitting in the sand for a get together anyway.
Well, apparently my mom never coordinated and tells me day of, that she doesn’t feel comfortable getting “in the middle” and I need to reach out to my sister and invite her myself to the “party.” She texts me this while I’m literally driving to the beach. I asked her why she doesn’t feel comfortable because 1) it’s not a party 2) she coordinates with the kids all the time to come to random events my sister doesn’t want to attend.
In any case, I end up not reaching out because, well, we’re already at the beach by now. Well apparently my brother texted my sis while we are at the beach asking why she wasn’t at Isaiah’s bday party. So then my sister texts my mom asking if I had a party for Isaiah and invited everyone but her?!! That’s when the whole fiasco started. Now I’m the bad guy who excluded my sister and everyone seems to think I purposely left her out.
Am I really the a-hole? Should I have personally invited her or was my extension through my mom sufficient?
Comments
You’re not the asshole here – but you stepped into a classic family landmine.
From how you explained it, this wasn’t some big, planned birthday party. It was supposed to be a simple beach day with your immediate family, and it only snowballed into a “gathering” because people asked to join last minute. You extended the invite to your mom, brothers, and even made the effort to include your sister’s kids in the way that’s normally done in your family (through your mom). That’s consistent with the pattern you described, where your sister often skips family events but sends the kids.
NTA, but I can kind of see it from your sister’s POV as well. You attempted an invite through your mom, which sounds like how it’s been done previously, so you didn’t break any rules.
NTA. You invited your sister’s kids through your mom, which is normal in your family.
The problem was that your mom changed her mind and didn’t notify your sister, and she only told you on the day you were driving to the beach (she should’ve informed you earlier). At that time, maybe a direct invitation message to your sister would’ve been smoother.
You handled the situation as per normal, and if your mom agreed (you don’t say that she actually said yes, she would call your sister), then she flaked out and tried to blame you for it after the fact instead of taking the responsibility of not following through. If she agreed to do the invite, then I would be sure everyone accusing you knows who really dropped the ball.
However, in the future, you need to your own dirty work. If you don’t think your sister will allow them to come because YOU asked instead of your mom, that’s not your problem. If you just don’t like talking to her, then you put on your big girl panties and do the pretty to include your niece and nephew if they mean that much to you.
Another easy fix is to stick to your initial plans. “Can I invite myself?” which is what your mom did, is a simple “We already have the day planned.” Grams didn’t bother to remember his birthday until the night before – she didn’t ask ahead of time to set up plans to see him on his day. It is reasonable to say “We already made our plans as a family. We will make plans with you later.”