Hi all. I’m new to Reddit so I hope I’m doing this right. A friend suggested I post here to get an unbiased opinion on a situation I’m dealing with.
I (28F) got married about two months ago. My brother (30M) is married to “Jill” (29F). We’re not super close because our interests have never aligned. She’s more of a tomboy, into outdoorsy stuff, video games, and I’ve only seen her wear a dress once for her own wedding. We’re polite, and despite not being close I’ve always tried to include her in things to make her feel welcome.
When I was planning my wedding, I offered Jill a spot as a bridesmaid as my brother was a groomsman so she would feel included. She said no. Her reasons were that she felt uncomfortable being in front of everyone, and that she would need to watch their kids while my brother was busy with wedding party stuff. I tried to be understanding, even offered to see if my parents could watch their kids during the ceremony and pictures, but her answer was still no. I was honestly hurt. It’s my wedding, I wanted to make her feel included, and she turned me down.
After that, I didn’t really involve her in much else. I didn’t invite her to the bridal shower, she wasn’t in the get ready suite, and she was only in the basic family shots. I figured she’d be happier just attending as a guest since that seemed to be what she wanted.
Now my brother and Jill have been distant since, and my mom thinks it’s because Jill was left out. We don’t know for sure because she has been unresponsive to our texts in the family group chat. But from my point of view, she said she didn’t want to be included when she said no to being a bridesmaid. I didn’t want to make her do anything that made her uncomfortable, so I just focused on the people who wanted to be involved on my special day. But now my mom is pushing me to reach out to Jill and make things right. I just don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong to have to make right.
So, am I the asshole?
Comments
She said no and you respected that. It sounds like she wanted to stay low key but maybe just reach out now to clear the air so it doesn’t stay awkward.
Holy fright, you seem exhausting and vindictive. You don’t get exactly what you want, so you completely freeze her out? Are you 12?
YTA
You’re not the a hole, you offered her a role, she declined, and you respected her choice. It’s reasonable to focus on those who wanted to be involved
She said no to being a bridesmaid, not no to being part of the day. You thought you were respecting her wishes, but it probably felt like total exclusion from her side. A quick message to clear the air (“didn’t mean to make you feel left out”) could fix things without admitting fault.
YTA she didn’t want to be a brides maid and gave very valid reasons for saying no. Instead if accepting that gracefully it sounds like you cut her out completely out is spite. Why wasn’t she invited to the bridal shower? Are you telling me that only people in the wedding party were included, not your mom, or other relatives and friends? Anything that was specifically for the bridal party yes that makes sense to not include her, but I’m calling BS I’m not including her for the shower.
NTA – were you expected to chase after her??? SiL is a grown woman and if she wanted an invite to any other wedding event, she could have spoken up and ASKED.
NTA. She said no and you respected her no. If you had forced her to do something she was uncomfortable with then you would have been the A H. If she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid but wanted to be in the other stuff (get ready suite, bridal shower, etc) she should have communicated that to you.
Question: was anyone who was not in the bridal party at the bridal shower and in the pictures? If no, then you would not be the AH, but if yes then you were specifically punishing her for saying no to you. And in that case you would be the AH.
Nta you respected she didn’t want to a part of the wedding party after she said no. It’s only to expected from that point on she is simply a guest that doesn’t need to be included because she didn’t want to be. (besides pictures and family activities where EVERYONE is involved)
It’s like my brother and SIL, we do real estate and they chose to buy their house from someone else (because they didn’t want to mix family with finances which is fine) but now they’re upset we’re not helping them fund their new business a few years later.
You simply cannot have your cake and eat it too sorry
She said no (which is so beyond reasonable, because it’s an invitation not a demand or something owed to you) for totally understandable reasons (both partners spending a shit ton of time and money, which could be better utilized for their family) so you decided to completely exclude her and now you wonder why she’s even more distant!? YTA.
info: Were other family members invited to the bridal shower? If yes, then YTA for not inviting her too. She is family.
YTA. She said no to being a BRIDESMAID, for what I thought were pretty fair reasons. You then went full petty without even having a conversation of how she would like to be included. I’m trying to imagine if I asked my kid if he wanted to go to the store, or something, and he said no; would your suggestion then be to disown him because he obviously doesn’t want a relationship?!
Her reason for not wanting to be a bridesmaid doesn’t mean she didn’t want to or couldn’t go to the bridal shower. An invite to that would be normal, she can decline or accept that. I can see where you stopped inviting her would be seen as a snub. I would reach out one on one not in a family group text.
Were the only people at the wedding shower the people in your bridal party? If so, that’s very different from where I live. If you invited others that weren’t in the bridal party to the shower, YTA for not inviting her to that. The get ready suite depends on whether you invited other in-laws or similarly distant relations.
At least where I live, it is pretty typical to invite every woman invited to the wedding (and if its a a smaller one, at least all extended family), and if they don’t want to come they can say no. Not receiving an invite to the shower because I had to turn down what is usually a massive responsibility of being in the bridal party definitely seems spiteful to me.
YTA. I hope this is fake. If not you are a really petty person.
Very teenager like
I mean yeah, you’re kind of TA. It seems pretty obvious that you punished her for not being your bridesmaid.
She said she was uncomfortable in front of people and needed to watch her kids (reasonable!)… you said you wanted her to be a bridesmaid not for yourself but bc you wanted her to feel included… then you proceeded to exclude her from even your bridal shower?
It does seem pretty mean spirited. But you obv don’t like her or want to be close, so why not just let her be distant?
YTA. You are quite the narcissist.
Info Was anyone not at the bridesmaid was involved in these things? Like your mother, MIL…etc?
I feel like maybe you could have still offered for her to come to the bridal shower just to keep family peace with your brother however you did nothing wrong and I understand you being a bit hurt, it was nice if you to try include her. Try reaching out to your brother and still being civil to jill – you don’t need to leave her out of anything but it sounds like she doesn’t want to be a large part of your life or really just does not want to be in front of all those ppl which tbh fair, stay civil, no point arguing and they come round when they come round. If it needs talking out do so calmly
It’s weird that you didn’t invite her to the bridal shower, though. Like, I’ve been to a bunch of bridal showers for weddings I wasn’t a bridesmaid in. I can understand her not being in the bridal party suite ahead of the ceremony, since her husband was getting ready too, and she had the kids, and they’d probably have been in the way of the bridal party, but to not even invite her to the bridal shower was kind of rude.
YTA – You were being petty not inviting her to the bridal shower. Being a bridesmaid is a big responsibility, especially having children. Showing up for a party is not.
NTA. It sounds like you were being considerate about her needs after you learned she didn’t want to be “in front of everyone”. You can’t read minds, and if they are bent out of shape about this, it’s not on you.
She was uncomfortable being a Bridesmaid and let you know. Why on earth would you then exclude her from everything else. She did have a right to refuse. You said you aren’t that close. It’s a lot to be a Bridesmaid. The thing to do would have been to include her in everything you would include other non-bridesmaids in.
With it being your own wedding of course you’re emotional and most people probably would feel hurt for her turning down being a bridesmaid. However, considering she has kids, aka more than 1, I would probably feel the same way. I’d want to be able to watch my kids. Also the fact that you’ve described her as a tomboy, and someone who probably wouldn’t want to wear a dress or be standing in front of a ton of people, that’s totally understandable.
YTA for cutting her out of everything else. I mean c’mon, the Bridal Shower? Bridal Showers usually include friends/family that are being invited to the wedding. They’re not usually for only the wedding party. You were really spiteful to not at least invite her, which she could have declined to go, her choice, but that would of made her the AH.
Tbh, it sounds like she had valid reasons, and you wanted to punish her. People are allowed to say no to the offer of bridesmaid/groomsman. If you get offended by someone’s very reasonable (and polite) decline to the offer, then that’s on you.
Seems you don’t like her because she’s not who you want her to be.
Yta, you didn’t respect her “no”, you admit you were hurt, so you didn’t include her in anything else, so, yta. Respecting her no would mean actually understanding and not being hurt by it. There’s way you describe it, there was 0 respect given. You should apologize.
INFO: Were the only people at your Bridal Shower, in the suite and in your not-just-basic photos your bridesmaids/your fiances groomsmen?
Why do you think that recieving an invite to your shower would have made her uncomfortable?
It’s pretty obvious to everyone that you’re mad she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and you excluded her out of spite- which is fine, it’s your choice who you invite to everything. But it’s not ok to pretend you were doing this for her sake or that you dont understand why she’s distant: you need to be straight up honest with her and with everyone else that you excluded her because you were upset with you.
You were going to ask the mother and father of the bride – your parents – to watch her kids during the wedding?? That makes zero sense. I think you got your feelings hurt by her turning you down and were petty excluding her from everything. She should have been invited to the shower.
nta. she sounds like your typical redditor. things are to be done on her terms only otherwise she’ll throw a tantrum.
She cannot have two bites of the apple 🍎
YTA – she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid so you ostracized her from all wedding events. Total AH move not inviting her to the bridal shower.
YTA. She declined being a bridesmaid for very understandable reasons. You decided to purposefully exclude her from your bridal shower to make a point. Well congrats, she got it loud and clear.
You’re petty AF. Some people don’t wanna do it. It doesn’t mean they hate you. You were a bridezilla. Hang your head in shame for the rest of your life or until you apologize.
Yta
The irony is that you only wanted her as a bridesmaid because she’s married to your brother and then you punished her with exclusion for not gratefully accepting your offer despite the very legit reasons she gave for not wanting to do it.
YTA for not inviting her to the shower. That just sounds petty. Like, the shower is for a bigger, wider group of people, so if you were willing to bring her into your inner circle, why wouldn’t she be invited to your middle circle? “She said she didn’t want to be included”?… no, she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid. She KNOWS she’s not in your inner circle. She KNOWS that her presence wasn’t important to you, you were just trying to help her feel included (which was VERY KIND AND THOUGHTFUL of you, BTW… but she had no reason to believe you actually wanted her there.) And depending on her children’s needs, a wedding can be A Lot to coordinate around. Would she do it to support a close friend? Yeah, probably, but it’s a lot of work for a mom to coordinate all for the sake of… feeling included?
Perhaps you need to reflect on WHY you were hurt? Did she not feel grateful enough at the opportunity? Did you actually want her to join to even out the numbers? Because from here it sounds like “I tried to do someone a favor and they said ‘no thanks’, which upset me”… which… is not how favors are supposed to work.
YTA. Saying no to being a bridesmaid probably did hurt, but deliberately excluding her from the bridal shower, where I’m assuming all other woman in your family were invited, definitely seems like it was done out of spite. Usually being a bridesmaid is because you’re very close with the bride, so her polite rejection seemed reasonable based on her explanation and the fact you admitted you’re not super close. If you want a better relationship with her in the future you should apologize.
YTA. As a mom, I get why your SIL didn’t want to be in the entourage—she knows her kids and probably felt it wasn’t a good idea. Your parents are the bride’s parents, so they have bigger roles in the wedding than babysitting. Instead of respecting her choice, you excluded her on purpose and even alienated her from non-entourage events like the bridal shower. If other non-entourage family were in the get-ready suite and she wasn’t, then yes—YTA.
YTA
She respectfully declined. You are punishing her for this but refusing to invite her to events like a bridal shower that are for people other than just the bridal party. You owe her and your brother an apology. My sister in law is a very important person in my life and has been for 55 years. You are missing the opportunity to forge a good relationship with your brother and his family. Fix it now.
INFO: were the guests of the bridal shower only the people who were asked to be in your wedding party and agreed to it?? Or was the bridal shower for people who were invited to the wedding but couldn’t make it??
Because I am really struggling to find where “not wanting to be a bridesmaid” ((which has varying levels of commitment whichshe might not have been able to meet considering you mentioned her having her own children)), to “please don’t involve me in anything other than the ceremony and reception”.
Talk to her. Ask. Be open to her answers. Listen.
This should be less about whether you feel right or wrong, and more about mending the relationship.
You owe her an apology
I mean, hard to tell. Answer me this honestly: why can’t you message her directly then? I’ll tell you my answer after.
YTA and pathetic
YTA. She had valid reasons to decline being in the wedding party and you iced her out of everything except a seat at the wedding. You did, in fact, exclude her. Just own the mistake and apologize.
YTA first of all you sound judgmental of her not being more feminine or rather like you. You can still be friends with people who are different from you, like other adults. JS I understand her not being in the get ready suite though in my experience it never hurts to have an extra of hands not in the bridal to run around and help. However, the bridal shower was definitely an intentional snub. Tell yourself whatever you need to make yourself feel better, but you didn’t leave her out for her comfort. You punished her because she hurt your feelings when she turned down such an “honored” role in your wedding (read with deep sarcasm). You need some introspection and to call and talk if you want to salvage a really with your brother and his wife.
Sorry, OP. I think YTA here. She just didn’t want to be in the bridal party—that doesn’t mean she wanted to be completely ignored. Her refusal likely wasn’t personal.
Personally, I dislike being in weddings, but I still like attending/being involved with them (and supporting everyone).
Like your SIL, I’m not a “girly girl.” I never dreamt about my wedding or anything. My wife and MIL happily planned most of our tiny wedding, and I got to show up in a beautiful dress and marry my soulmate. It was the best day of our lives.
It wasn’t about childcare or anything; she was trying to let you down easy.
YTA. You punished her for being honest with you by deliberately leaving her out of everything. I’m assuming there were other people at the bridal shower who weren’t in the wedding, like aunts and grandmas. She probably also knew you only asked her to be in the wedding as a courtesy. You didn’t try to be understanding, you didn’t respect her no and pushed.
You punished her, she noticed, and here you are.
YTA. Your feelings (and maybe your ego) were hurt when she disnt accept being a bridesmaid, so you purposely excluded her from other things she could have joined.
YTA massively. You were being petty and vindictive.
NTA and your mother has a good idea, but they one you have to reach out is your brother: your relationship with Jane is through him. So first, you have to find WHY they are behaving like that, because so far you wonder if it was because her role at your wedding
If your suspiscions are correct, you can explain that even you’re not close you asked her to be a bridesmaid, but she refused, so in her own free will became a guest. And guests don’t attend bridal showers, don’t go to the get ready suite, and you sure included her because she’s in the basic family shots
I bet Jill told him another story, where you’re the villain who excluded her
YTA- being a bridesmaid sucks, which is why women usually only commit to it for their close friends. You extended what you admit was essentially a pity invite to be your worker bee to someone you admittedly don’t know very well and you’re upset she said no? Then you have the audacity to claim “I tried to make her feel welcome in the family… by deliberately excluding her from typical family stuff”? GTFO here with that narcissistic bullshit.
NTA for not putting her in the wedding when she said she felt uncomfortable being in front of everyone, but why didn’t you invite her to your bridal shower and other ‘group activities’?
She had legitimate reasons for not wanting to be a bridesmaid (including wrangling their kids while your brother was doing wedding party stuff) and intentionally or not you excluded her, and that makes YTA.
You should apologize and clear the air.
YTA.
You invited her to be a bridesmaid not because you wanted her as one, but because your brother was a groomsman. You tried to play it off as kindness and “not wanting her to feel left out” but then cut her out of everything else because YOU assumed “that’s what she wanted” when in reality, she declined to be a bridesmaid and had valid reasons to do so.
Just admit it for what it is: you got upset that she told you “no” and your behavior was your way of getting back at her.
You’re 28 years old; this is juvenile behavior on your part. You’d better learn to communicate like an adult or your marriage is going to suffer.
YTA. She should have been invited to the bridal shower but not to get ready in the bridal suite. She’s still family.
YTA. You were being petty by not inviting her to the bridal shower. She gave you perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to be a bridesmaid, and you said yourself that you’re not super close, so I don’t really understand why you were so offended.
YTA – it sounds like you didn’t actually want her to be a bridesmaid anyway, and yet you’re being petty because she said no? You should apologize.
YTA, what al lovely SIL you are. /s
‘We’re not super close because our interests have never aligned. She’s more of a tomboy, into outdoorsy stuff, video games, and I’ve only seen her wear a dress once for her own wedding.’
You are very judgemental about your SIL and I think she feels that too. Only reach out if you are genuine about it. But if you are not, then accept that she won’t put any effort in you anymore. You messed up big time.
Yeah, YTA. It’s completely reasonable not to want to be a bridesmaid, it’s not a personal affront to you. Anxiety is a real thing and that’s a big role to play in someone’s wedding. And you got butt hurt about it and shut her out of literally everything else. Come on now. No wonder you guys aren’t close.
YTA – you were never close with her yet asked her to be a bridesmaid then when she declined you got petty. Major mean girls vibes
YTA. Judging by your few responses and your tone you don’t actually want advice you want your petty vindictive choice validated. Well congrats you’ve probably permanently damaged your relationship with your SIL. Many men don’t take their wife being insulted well, so you’ve probably damaged your relationship with your brother also. Listen to your mother and try to patch things up. I doubt you’ll be able to because someone petty enough to do what you did will come off as completely insincere and your fake apology will just make things worse. You’ve played family politics and lost. Have fun with this.
YTA. Etiquette lessons. She’s in the family. You invite to bridal shower. She has a good time. You invite to other events. She’s in the family.
You didn’t. Actions have consequences. Yours is she definitely feels she isn’t accepted in your family. So she’s checked out.
Will apologies help??? It’s a start a first step. Otherwise you’ll have a very distant relationship from now on
YTA. And a petty one at that. I wouldn’t be surprised if she limits her contact with you permanently. That was extremely rude behavior on your part. Maybe not everyone wants to do things Your way. She politely told you her reason for not wanting to be in the wedding party and it was a completely Valid reason. Yours for not inviting her to the shower? Petty af.
YTA
She was honest with you and instead of being an adult you are acting like a toddler.
Grow up
Not only are YTA but her reasons were valid. She would be blamed if the kids act up and she didn’t handle it. If she handles the kids, the bridesmaids are gossiping about how she’s not pulling her weight, or frazzled, or “ruining the vibe” as the kids say these days.
YTA for sure. I’m shocked no one said anything to you for not inviting her to your bridal shower, that was such a crappy thing to do. You said the two of you aren’t close and she had valid reasons for not wanting to be a bridesmaid – yet you punished her for politely and reasonably turning you down.
I don’t think you’ll be able to make this right, honestly. If your brother hasn’t said anything about it, it seems like they’re putting space between you and them because they realized they don’t want to be around someone who acts like you.
YTA, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have invited her to the bridal shower.
Why would she not get an invite to the shower just because she declined to be in the wedding party (for valid reasons)? That’s a major AH move. You’re “hurt” because someone you aren’t even close to declined to be in your wedding party when you gave her a pity invite? There would be other ways to include her, such as inviting her to the shower and including her in getting ready. Jesus.
Girl, you’re the AH. Majorly.
YTA and sounds like you punished her for saying no to you and she’s reacting accordingly.
Her reasons for saying no to being a bridesmaid were valid and you took personal offense for some reason and decided to purposely exclude her for that. Grow up lol I get that it’s your wedding but you’re not the most important person in the world.
YTA. you asked her if she wanted to be a bridesmaid but weren’t okay with her saying no. that means it wasn’t an ask made with good intentions, it was a demand expressed as an offer, and you punished her for saying no. she had appropriate reasons for not wanting to be in the bridal party. it’s important to know how to accept no’s gracefully.
Just because she declined being a bridesmaid doesn’t mean she didn’t want to be involved with anything else. That was your assumption. The kind thing to do would have been to invite her to other activities and let her make the decision whether to be involved or not. Your excluding her sounds like punishing her for not wanting to be a bridesmaid. I think you owe her an apology.
Weird, you wanted YOUR PARENTS to watch her kids at YOUR WEDDING?
You assumed that since she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid, she wouldn’t want to be a part of it at all?
Yikes.
You didn’t invite her to the bridal shower??? That’s a bit of an FU to her… she didn’t want to stand in your wedding party for reasons she explained.
“It’s my wedding, I wanted to make her feel included, and she turned me down.”
But you didn’t include her when it mattered. You appeared to accept that she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid but your actions regarding the shower seemed that you wanted to exclude her on purpose because of her refusal. I saw your response that all others were invited to your shower… so was she the only female family/friend not invited to the shower??
Your mom is right, you need to talk to her and mend the relationship. She’s owed an apology for being excluded.
YTA.
YTA – you made a request, she declined, you excluded her from everything else to make your point about being offended she turned down being a bridesmaid.
YTA you should have invited her to the bridal shower. She doesn’t need to be in the suite getting ready. That is typically for the bridal party. But it’s weird you excluded her from your bridal shower.
You messed up, should have invited her to the bridal shower at least. I feel like she was probably excluded in other ways on the day, did you sit her away from her husband too?
Yes, YTA for not including her in the bridal shower, so reach out now. Because, yes, you didn’t take no for an answer- instead you took revenge. Really, it was a crappy way to start your wedding, and there was no need for it.
Learn not to be so petty as this. you were hurt for no reason, your sister-in-law had good reasons not to be in the wedding party, but you took them personally. But guess what? It isn’t all about you! Even on your wedding day.
Take off your blinders and realize every single person in your family knew you were being petty about that, and when you didn’t invite her to anything else, it was confirmed. Keeping this going past months after your wedding is really the height of being a petty little girl, rather than a grown woman.
Cut this kind of crap out, you’re the girl we mean when we say bridezilla! and we do not mean it in a good way. You really need to grow up and learn to be gracious – look it up if you have to, it’s about manners. But trust me, your family does not think highly of you for these manipulative little digs, nor any of your passive aggressive assumption that she should approach you now.
Be the bigger person here. for this context, it means you’re been being a small-minded person. It makes you look really bad, it makes people lose respect for you, so stop it, reach out and tell your sister-in-law you were hurt by her refusal, you’re sorry you didn’t include her more. Otherwise yes, you read like a total b****. Correct this, or people will remember your wedding for your pettiness.
YTA You were hurt…okay understandable. But instead of being honest about your feelings you excluded her actively. You didn’t do that because you really thought that is what she wanted.
Be at least honest to yourself. You did it, because you felt hurt. Not inviting your SIL to the bridal shower and excluding her from fotos? That has nothing to do with her feeling uncomfortable in the limelight. That was just petty revenge. And you know that.
Eh
I felt that you were the a$$hole once you started saying that your interests didn’t line up.Why mention that she doesn’t wear dresses?
So what?
She sounds like an introvert and doesn’t want to be on display.
No big deal!
I feel like you only invited her because it would make your brother happy and secretly you were relieved when she said no.
Why would you not invite her to bridal shower?
A$$hole move right there.
Your brother should have said something to you right then.
That’s his mistake.
In the future try not to be such a selfish person and try to think about other people’s feelings.
YTA – why on Earth wouldn’t you invite her to your bridal shower?! You said you wanted her to feel included but then, when she turned down the role of bridesmaid because she wasn’t comfortable doing it, you proceeded to exclude her from everything else. Complete and utter AH.
YTA. You punished her for saying no and her reasons were valid. You were a petty AH to then deliberately exclude her from anything else. You have serious main character syndrome & mean girl vibes. Your SIL is right to remain distant from you. You’re toxic.
Updateme
Jesus christ, all she said was no, and gave you a very valid reason. Then you shut her out of everything? No wonder they don’t want to talk to you. You’re a horrible person. YTA
Nah you tried, she didn’t want to be included. Anytime she could of spoke up,
What have her clothing choices got to do with this? YTA
Yeah, YTA.
You took your hurt feelings and used them to justify not including her in anything else. You invited church women but not your SIL to the bridal shower. She said she didn’t want to be in front of a lot of people as it made her uncomfortable, and you took that as she didn’t want anything to do with it.
Sorry, but yes, you kinda suck here, and I dont blame her for distancing herself.
*edited for typos 😭
So she tells you the reason she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid, is because she doesn’t feel comfortable being in front of the people. Nothing that is a personal attack on you and you proceed not to invited her to anything else. The fact that you invited other guests to your bridal shower and not her, all because your feelings were hurt, was not only an AH move, but also incredibly immature. I would also feel some type of way and be distant with you. You handled this all poorly, because your ego couldn’t handle someone saying no and who gave fair reasons, as to why they couldn’t. YTA, big time. I don’t even see a point with apologizing now.
YTA. Why would you ask YOUR PARENTS to watch the kids during YOUR wedding? She had a very good reason to say no. She was the right person to not be involved in your wedding.
Plus you’re hurt even though you only asked her because you wanted to make her feel included? Like seriously. You asked her out of obligation, not because you wanted her to be involved.
And because your feelings were hurt, you didn’t invite her to the bridal shower?
Yeah. YTA.
Yta and your behavior was petty. She is right to stay away from you and your mother. She should have been included with the shower, and invited to other events. I am proud of her having a spine and standing up to you.
YTAH
Here’s the thing
You said it herself. She’s more of a tomboy
Which means she’s not going to be interested in wearing frilly dresses, or possibly doing the typical bachellorete party (like the ones they have in nashville where the women all wear dresses and the new white cowboy boots they bought just for the trip…if you’ve ever been to nashville, you know what I am talking about)
But not inviting her to a bridal party? Which is just a party?
Yeah, that would upset me if I was your brother
You got offended that she didn’t want to do something that made her super uncomfortable and instead of being empathetic, you nuked your relationship with her and her brother instead
No offense, but you don’t sound mature enough to be married in the first place
You deliberately excluded her from the shower because you were petty about being told no about being a bridesmaid and now you’re wondering if the crappy atmosphere you created is your fault? Why would you not invite her to the shower? Showers aren’t bridal party only events so choosing to exclude her is an obvious way of “punishing” her.
YTA and doubling down on not recognizing your error. Honestly, if you were my SIL I’d be glad to be rid of you, you sound petty and vindictive.
Yta. Just because she didn’t want to be in the bridal party might not have meant she wanted to be excluded from everything else. If she doesn’t care, then ywnbta.
YTA. You invited people who were not part of the bridal party to the bachelorette and even people from you church? Guess you consider yourself a « good Christian » like most who are the worst person on earth.
A BIG YTA. Exclude her from everything after she gives perfectly mature, legitimate reasons to not be a bridesmaid? That’s childish, petty and downright mean girl behavior.
Get over yourself.
NTA
YTA, I think it’s time you reach out and apologize for punishing her for giving you valid reasons on why she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid. It seems like she did a good job communicating with you, and you failed to communicate with her because you were being petty.
You should be embarrassed for being 28 and acting like you’re in middle school.
YTA. She graciously declined being a bridesmaid with valid reasons. And I suspect she knew that you only asked her because your brother was in the wedding, since the two of you aren’t close. I’m not sure why you were even so hurt that she said no, since you yourself said that the two of you aren’t close.
So instead of accepting that you didn’t invite her to your bridal shower?? Yeah, that was an asshole move and you deliberately excluded her. Your excuse that she didn’t want to be included is BS, since not everyone at the shower was also in the wedding party. You did it to punish her. Grow up. I feel sorry for your new husband.
you said that you wanted her to feel included and that you were hurt that she “didn’t wanted to be a part of your special day”, but that’s a really extreme conclusion. She just didn’t wanted ESPECIFICALLY the position of a bridesmaid for all of the responsabilities she already has, so she was realistic and honest and said no TO THAT, she didn’t said anything about the other stuff, so you’re taking this way too personal, like she’s saying no to you, but maybe you are the one who wants to say no to her. So look, if you don’t really get along with her and didn’t wanted to invite her to all the activities around your big day (which I kinda understand) then fine, but admit it and don’t blame it on her
Dang. She thought your relationship as sisters in law was strong enough that she could be honest with you and you turned around and froze her out. That’s cold and extremely shortsighted.
YTA. You punished her for rejecting your bridesmaid offer. I hope your husband realises the type of person he married.
YTA You really don’t like her do you. And in places this makes no sense.
You say you accepted her no but kept pushing. Said your parents could watch her kids during the ceremony and pictures… the parents of the bride… who will be a the front and in loads of the pictures. No wonder she said no.
What has her not wearing dresses have to do with her being a supposed tomboy? I don’t wear dresses, have bright pink hair, addicted to Swarovski jewellery and am a complete geek. I’m not a tomboy. Just the whole thing smacks of ‘well if she’s not like me I don’t want to be her friend’. Which you can do with friends but not family.
And yes, you did exclude her. On purpose. In comments you say other non bridal party members went to the shower. So why exclude her? Her saying no to being a bridesmaid is not the same as saying she doesn’t want to be involved at all.
You need to have a long hard think, and apologise. At least that you misinterpreted that she didn’t want to be involved… I’m being kind here cause you knew exactly what you were doing as all the comme ts have stated.
Depends. If you offer someone a spot and they politely say no. What harm happened? Maybe she was self conscious, or wanted to watch her children. But then to exclude her from other activities, was mean. Now if she was nasty to you, that is a whole different issue. But it did sound that she was.
YTA for not inviting her to your bridal shower. Unless they live somewhere where she would need a flight to get there & attend, it was just rude.
YTA for excluding her from your bridal shower.
YTA – why are you posting here instead of taking her aside and having a civil conversation and try to understand her thoughts and feelings. Mature Up and have an adult conversation with her instead of posting on Reddit and acting like a teenager with your mom.
Also, she didn’t want to stand in front of a huge crowd, so you shunned her. You are so the asshole for that, too.
YTA for not inviting your sister in law to your bridal shower. I mean, wtf does not being a bridesmaid have to do with being a guest to your shower? And do you really expect her to respond to inquiries as to why she’s “distant” in her husband’s family group chat? Pick up the phone, call her, apologize for excluding her from your shower, and move on.
YTA. And you know it. You came here in hopes of finding others to support your delusions. She said she didn’t feel comfortable being a bridesmaid and gave multiple reasons. And you got offended? Seriously you didn’t get offended bc she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid. You got offended bc you didn’t get your way of making her feel included rofl. So in a petty and passive aggressive response you blocked her from EVERYTHING! You don’t want to be a bridesmaid bc you don’t want to be standing in front of 150 people?!?! Fine be a b* you don’t get to come to anything or be told anything. Nope. You don’t even get an invite to the family celebration!!!! That’s wrong and you know it. You’re not special. She doesn’t owe you anything. You refused to include her in anything bc she wasn’t willing to make herself uncomfortable by standing in front of a lot of people in a dress for someone she doesn’t know that well.
She’s allowed to not want to be a bridesmaid and she gave a good reason. But you also weren’t that close friends so that all makes sense why she said no. But for you not to invite her to the bridal shower is rude AF. I mean everyone gets included in bridal showers, it’s all about getting as many presents as possible not about who you are close to. You were wrong to exclude her from that, it was likely petty on your part.
Yes you should reach out and apologize for whatever misunderstanding you both have. This is family and it is best to smooth things over
Yes, OP. A person has the right to decline the role of bridesmaid, believe it or not. You’re sounding like a bridezilla. Show some grace and invite your SIL to what you would normally invite family to.
NTA, your good don’t listen to all these YTA chumps. She showed you the relationship involvement level she wanted with you and you matched it.
Tell you Mom, nicely, to MHOB (mind her own business) and you stop worrying about an adult who is sulking like a child. Continue to be nice and invite her if you think she’d be interested but move on with your life. Not everyone is going to like you or find whatever you’re doing enjoyable. If you want, invite her to lunch and apologize for not inviting her to the shower but explain that you thought she wouldn’t be interested BUT you should have asked instead of assuming. If she reject that, MOVE ON.
Maybe TAH. Mom may be wrong. Maybe their just letting you get used to married life. I understand everything but being excluded from bridal shower and family photos though.
Yta. Its super weird you didn’t invite her to the shower
YTA and should apologize to your SIL and your brother.
Your SIL was truthful and told you she would be uncomfortable in front of people. You know she’s not someone who likes to “dress up.” She rightfully told you that she’d need to watch her kids during your wedding day. The fact that you offered up your parents as babysitters is another AH move. You didn’t want your mom with you as you got ready before the ceremony? Who was supposed to watch the kids during the lead up to the ceremony?
To not invite her to your bridal shower was a mean girls’ move, and you know it. Your “special day” is not anyone else’s “special day” (except for your spouse). Her declining your offer (apparently , your demand) was not her saying that she didn’t want to be involved as a guest. It was for the reasons she told you.
You’re mean and sound very immature. I’m impressed that your SIL has simply backed off and not engaged. She’s learned her lesson in your family. You’ve taught it to her. Her personality is not respected, and she’ll be punished for it.
And just in case you think I don’t have experience in this, I do. When I got married almost 40 years ago, my soon to be SIL declined being a bridesmaid for (pretty much) the same reasons your SIL did. I totally understood, and I didn’t get bent out of shape. She was invited to everything (including my wedding shower) because why wouldn’t she?
I’ve also declined to be in a wedding for pretty much the same reasons as your SIL, and my wonderful family understood.
I really feel for your SIL. Your mom needs to accept that you can never fully make this right.
Oh you are the AH. not inviting someone to your bridal shower because they didnt want to be a bridesmaid was petty. And you said yourself. She is outdoorsy, tomboyish, and had other responsibilities. Maybe she genuinely wouldnt have been comfortable as a bridesmaid.
Not including her whatsoever in your wedding is rude and spiteful.
YTA for not inviting her to the bridal shower. Those normally include family and friends even if they are not in the bridal party. It feels like you were trying to punish her for saying no. Like if you don’t do THIS you won’t be included in anything so HA. Thats how you come off.
NTA, what might be a better approach is asking your SIL questions about it to see what is going on in her head. If she declined an invitation then gets all hurt bc you let her have her way, something is off and asking her to “explain, clarify vague answers and tell you why” she has had the reaction you are seeing, you might get to the root of her problem. I say her problem bc you made the effort not once but twice when you tried to alleviate her concerns for the care of her children. She is holding on to something from before this, I bet. Could it be that her SO had a more prominent role in the wedding party as compared to her part? Like was he the best man and she was just a lowly brides maid? Did you play a bigger role in her wedding than you offered to her? Asking questions will get you the information you need to deal with this.