My wife(40) and I (40) are in an open relationship and not by my choice. She gave me an ultimatum, either divorce or poly. I don’t want a divorce because of kids so it’s poly.
It’s been few days and I have come to certain conclusions. I want everything separate. She already pays half of everything so it’s not a big problem.
I don’t want our accounts shared. So I have decided to separate them. I want our bathrooms to be separate, I want our rooms to be separate.
I don’t want to do anything that will in any way benefit another man. I want her to buy and cook her own food because I don’t want her to gain energy from food I made or bought and use that energy to fuck other men.
I don’t want to make coffee for her if it makes her feel better every morning and use that feeling to benefit other men.
I don’t even want to talk to her because I may make her feel good and another man benefit from it. I want our communications to beby text.
I don’t want to know if she is sick or anything. I don’t want to know about anything. I just want her to exist in the home and not take anything from me.
So I took her shit to the separate room and told her my conditions. I also told her that I want separate bank accounts and I am not answerable to her about my money and she can do whatever she wants with her.
Now she doesn’t want to leave me alone. Wants to talk about it and figure things out. I am not interested.
Nothing I want is unreasonable in any way. I just don’t want to benefit another man in any ways.
Edit: stop telling me to divorce, I am not gonna be the one to disrupt the lives of my kids. I don’t believe kids are better off being shuttled around every two days.
Comments
Just divorce. You say it’s for kids but this is insane. I’m from a divorced household and I wish they’d separated sooner than waiting til high school
Good shit dude, make sure you got the proof she essentially cheated and used your marriage against you. Then when you eventually get divorced it’ll be smooth sailing just keep her separate until you’re ready to make the next step
Sounds like you might as well divorce
Divorce is so much better than raising kids in a household where mom and dad loathe each other.
You say you’re doing it for the kids? They’ll be impacted the most by your Cold War, and not in a good way.
YTA if you stay
Well, your kids are going to be deeply fucked up by growing up in this household, and you’ll be complicit by creating this toxic atmosphere.
Just suck it up and get a divorce. Your kids will be way better off.
Edit: In response to your edit, I hope your wife at least divorces you then. Your kids don’t deserve to grow up in a home filled with your hatred and resentment.
Divorce. It’s better for the kids than this.
You kids will understand. Divorce please.
As someone who is polyamorous- divorce, step away. Your kids will be better for it because they will see every piece of this and I guarantee you it is MORE damaging. You don’t have an open marriage if you both didn’t eagerly consent to it. Coercion isn’t polyamory/ethical non-monogamy and anyone who tells you different is lying to you. That’s not how any relationships work.
Edited for spelling error
so you want to divorce her, bc thats literally what you’re doing right now. Don’t half ass it, just divorce her and get it over with
You should just divorce. I
Understand your hurt and resentment, but this is not way to live.
This is not healthy. Lawyer up immediately and fire this “marriage” into the sun
YTA not for how you’re treating your wife but for staying in a shit marriage. Divorce is not the worse thing when you consider your wife is going to be banging other people anyway.
Definitely just divorce. It would be a lot less traumatic for the kids than the relationship they are about to witness.
“My wife(40) and I (40) are in an open relationship and not by my choice”
That is not an open relationship.
That’s really petty. Why not just grow a spine and get divorced? The state of so called “men” in 2025. What a joke.
YTA because it would be better to divorce and have to happy parents that are separate versus 2 parents that live the way you describe under the same roof.
The majority of my friends that have divorced parents that “stayed together for the kids” all wish their parents had split up sooner.
The kids will suffer more living in th8s toxic household.You aren’t doing them any favors. Move on already and quir playing the martyr.
If you stay, you’ll just hate each other.
Your children will be better off if they’re parents aren’t in the same house hating each other.
She gave you an ultimatum designed to allow her to cheat on you without actually cheating.
Do yourself a favour and get a divorce.
Dude, just separate, this is a toxic environment for your kids.
For the love of everything good, please get a divorce
You’re an AH to yourself. You don’t want to divorce but you’re living like you are. That’s not healthy for your kids.
YTA because you won’t just divorce her. You don’t want to be married to her anymore. It jumps off the page. Trust me – you’re not going to be able to hide this from the kids and if you stay it will fuck them up more than if you just divorce. And not only is it going to fuck them up – there’s no guarantee at the end they’ll even like you. They might very much dislike you for how you’ve treated their mother.
And if I had to bet who they disliked more it would be you because at the end of the day you agreed to open the relationship. She didn’t agree to you treating her like shit and you’re a shitty person for treating someone like shit.
File for divorce. Raising children in a home where love is lost is more damaging.
An open marriage should be something discussed and agreed to by both parties. This is very one sided.
“I want her to buy and cook her own food because I don’t want her to gain energy from food I made or bought and use that energy to fuck other men.”
This is the craziest sentence I’ve read in a while on here.
Do you think you’ll get past this? What if you meet another woman instead of focusing on whoever your wife might sleep with? Do you think you could ever stand this situation? If you can’t, it’s truly better to divorce. You and your kids will be a lot happier that way. Divorce is terrible for kids but living with this would be just as bad. You might as well put yourself in a happier situation.
This isn’t poly, time to go
ESH: You’re essentially divorcing her but without actually doing so. Your wife deserves the divorce but this will make it harder on the kids who will realize what is happening
Yeah cuck or not if this ain’t what you want then divorce her. Be your own man the kids will be fine, but you thinking about your wife getting plowed will fuck up your self esteem and you might do something that puts your kids in harms way. And if people ask why yall divorced be honest she wanted to get passed around like a hacky sack
At this stage you might as well divorce because the household you are creating is so miserable and intolerable it will do more harm to your children than if you just seperated. Tell her she wanted the divorce so it is best she moves out.
Ditto to what everyone else said. YWBTA if you keep up this in-house separation and shunning and make your house a war zone. I don’t blame you at all for being angry and refusing to play along with her poly plans. It’s time you call her on the ultimatum and tell her that you aren’t willing to be in a non-monogamous marriage so you want a divorce. Get it over with, be clean about it. Save your kids the pain of living with their parents at war.
This is an unhealthy environment for your kids. Just divorce.
Get a lawyer because divorce is coming soon
Divorce. Be a positive example for your kids (they pay more attention than you realize). Show them how you have self respect. Show them how to be a great parent. When you are ready to love again, show them what a healthy and happy relationship looks like.
Your kids are going to realize you can’t stand each other. The best thing for the kids is a civilized divorce, and you may be able to tolerate each other once you no longer pretend to be married.
Stop being an AH to yourself and to your kids. They will see just how much you hate your wife. That is not a healthy dynamic for them to learn. All they will see is the toxicity and how punishing your spouse is the solution. Your wife sucks. But right now, you’re trying to play the martyr, but the only one getting played is you.
If you absolutely don’t want a divorce then tell her if she wants anything from you at all she’ll close the marriage again like an adult. She obviously wants to or has fucked someone in particular. But if she won’t come around then by all means let your kids watch their parents be miserable and their mother be a thot. Good luck with that
How is this broken relationship going to be in any way healthy for your kids? Just divorce and talk to your (ex) wife about couples counseling for the express purpose of learning how to be the best co-parents you can be after the split. Updateme
Youre cooked bro, divorce that woman. Stop being afraid and using your kids as an excuse.
Why would you want your kids in a broken home?
Kids can tell their parents hate each other, and it fucks with their heads. You’re not helping them staying together.
ESH. You say you don’t want to get a divorce because it will disrupt your kids lives. Your kids lives are already disrupted, and this is less common than divorce anyway (I think, I don’t actually have data on that, just my personal experiences). Actually separating will let you both move and and try to be happy on your own, instead of sitting in a situation that will only increase resentment; that resentment and awkwardness will absolutely be noticeable by your children.
Your marriage is over, you need to accept it. The sooner you do, the sooner everyone can heal and try to move on.
YTA
You seriously think this environment is healthier for your kids than divorce??
You’re out of your fucking mind.
Poly isn’t healthy for kids. Get your ducks in a row, then file for divorce.
Get out of there my guy. You are just making yourself miserable.
What kind of example are you setting for your kids by staying with this bitch?
The lives of your kids are already disrupted they can figure that out already so just divorce her and be the best dad you can be
YTA for not divorcing in the first place. I’d say E S H, but you’re doubling down on staying in a toxic environment for your children. You’re making a stupid decision staying in a miserable marriage “for the kids,” because all that will do is teach them that being miserable in a marriage is okay. You’re setting them up for a life of misery.
NTA – but time to divorce.
You are not modeling anything remotely approaching a healthy relationship for your kids. The venom and bitterness is palpable in your post and would be no less so in your home.
I’m not saying you are wrong for how you feel, just that both you and your kids deserve better than to live in such a toxic environment.
Updateme
Yta, doing this ish is going to damage your kids way more than a divorce.
Re your edit: your kids lives are already disrupted living in a house where mom and dad can’t tolerate or even hate each other.
Divorce is the only solution. If not the years of misery ahead are on you.
You kids lives are worse off by you staying married to her.
Lol shes getting plowed by other men and your worried about which bathroom you use. Thats just so sad.
You’re not really in a marriage your explanation bleeds of anger and resentment. Your kids are human and not stupid they will sense if
YTA just divorce already instead of making your kids live through this emotional battlefield.
“Stop saying divorce” my brother in Christ, your kids will wish you both divorced when they finally understand why both of yall are toxic as hell. Being a child of divorce is not as bad as being a child of parents who should’ve been divorced. It’s not like you’re going to start neglecting them after separating.
You’re the asshole.
The kids will know something is wrong. Divorce, share custody.
Your approach to this situation tells a lot about you. You’re fucked up and aren’t dealing with this as an emotionally functioning adult. If you were, when she said poky or divorce, you should have replied, divorce.
As a divorced kid where the house was charged w negative, divorce. You can’t hide it, we knew, anxiety. We got family and individual counseling, helped. It was better after, young us are resilient, and many of their friends are in the same position. You deserve to move on and have a new, loving relationship as well.
If you don’t think waves arms all the stuff you said in your post is going to affect the kids, I hope you’re putting away for both their college and their therapy bills later on. YTA for that
“Not going to disrupt my kids lives by divorcing” … but will gleefully disrupt the shit out of their lives by having this crazy stand-off.
Brother, get the divorce. Your kids will thank you. Don’t put this shit on their shoulders and pretend you’re staying for them. You’re staying because you’re scared to leave an obvious fucking disaster.
YTA x1,000,000
ESH
She forced you into an open relationship. I’m no expert but if you can fight for full custody, then do it. Why stay “for the kids”?
YTA if you stay
ESH. Your wife for pressuring you into an open relationship, and you for punishing her by building the Berlin Wall through your home. You think this nonsense won’t fuck up your kids‘ perspective on relationships?
NTA, I am a 64 year old woman and I agree with you completely,
Yta
Get a divorce. I don’t care if you don’t want to hear that; you’re going to seriously fuck your kids up by belligerently not accepting that you and your wife are not compatible.
Also what you’re describing is NOT poly, so stop describing it as such. Poly is ethical, what you’re describing is far from it.
YTA for not divorcing and having convinced yourself that staying is better. I kinda understand your wife. You look like insufferable.
Kids will grow up worse in a cuckadodoldo environment.
Teach them to have a spine by divorcing.
Do you want your kids to look up to and copy your marriage as it currently stands?? To think this is how a partnership should look? Open disdain and separate bedrooms? Not sharing food?
You don’t want to disrupt your kids’ lives, but this IS disruptive. It’s not healthy for kids to grow up watching this kind of relationship
She’s not happy with you and being poly is her way of having a babysitter for her dates. Just get the divorce. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to see you happy.
For years, I lived in a house with two parents who constantly fought. At 10-years-old I remember wishing my parents would divorce because I hated the fighting so much. My brother and I would hide together in the closet during the arguments.
When they divorced, it was so much better.
The tension and animosity you just described made my stomach flip. I remember that.
You both deserve-so much more
Updateme
Living like this would be worse for the kids than a divorce.
I had a friend who told me they hope their parents would just get divorced when they were kids. The toxic environment of a couple with marriage issues can be too much to bare .
“Edit: stop telling me to divorce, I am not gonna be the one to disrupt the lives of my kids. I don’t believe kids are better off being shuttled around every two days.”
You’re wrong.
If you’re miserable, and she’s miserable, you’re just making their lives miserable. You’re not doing their ability to cope with the situation and develop the skills to understand it any good.
Co-parenting well requires a relationship of some sort, even if you live apart, and at the moment, you aren’t willing to do that. Throw that in with the fact you’re still under one roof, and you’re actually just making things much worse for them.
Unless you’re planning on reconciling HONESTLY with your wife, FTLOG, get a divorce.
From a child of divorce, please get divorced. And from someone who is poly, this isn’t it. The FOUNDATION of a healthy poly relationship is EVERYONE consenting to the relationship and nature of the relationship and not under coercion. You are already trying to separate from her within the home and believe me when I tell you your kids have noticed and ARE being negatively affected by it. You are doing more harm than good by trying to stay together.
If you didn’t choose it, why are you even staying? This is just attention for karma.
YTA. So its healthy for the kids to see their mom and dad ignoring each other?
This would be like staying for the kids and give them a huge trauma.
Dude, think about what you’re teaching your kids about what marriage is. That’s the real problem.
Wtf… you broke up with her…. what are you on about?
“Stop telling me to divorce, I am not gonna be the one to disrupt the lives of my kids.” You do realise that you’re choosing to raise your kids in a broken and toxic household right?
My parents split when I was 7 because my dad was an abusive cheater – I have large gaps of memory loss from my childhood due to trauma and have only started remembering bits and pieces of it in the last 5 years – I’m 26. I have had random spouts of depression, have had anxiety my entire life and abandonment issues. Why? Because my parents chose to stay together “for the kids” but my mother realised it was doing us more harm than good.
You’re not doing your kids any favours, mate. In fact, you’re making it worse.
your mistake is thinking the lives of your kids is not already disrupted – you will do much more harm to them raising them in a house where their parents don’t love and respect each other than you would shuttling them back and forth.
I’ve done both. Divorce was the better option for me. He wanted the open marriage and I was happy to give it, but I never strayed. It’s been almost 20 years and I’m still okay with the divorce.
This is not a marriage anymore, this is a co living space for rearing children in a toxic environment.
You really think your kids are happy seeing you hating each other everyday like it’s fucking axis vs allies all over again?
Delusional
Kids will respond better to a divorce than to living in a life that you’re making so toxic by remaining in it all bitter and twisted. For the sake of the kids get a divorce and demonstrate to them what a good relationship looks like. They’re not seeing that at the moment – they’re seeing a hurt person taking everything out on the one that hurt them. That’s seriously toxic. Stop doing this to your kids. Get right out and move on with life – that’s the example to set. Not the one you’re currently setting.
Grow a backbone and leave, you idiot.
You need to stop and think about what’s really best for your kids. You’re miserable, and spiteful towards your wife. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be both things, but there is no way that the kids won’t pick up on that.
Instead of posting in this sub, take it to r/askreddit. BUT address it to the people who grew up in a toxic household like this and simply ask if they wish their parents had divorced instead of staying together.
You’re already disrupting the life of your kids.
You’d better set up an account for your kids therapy. Living in that house will be he’ll.
You really think this environment is good for the kids?
It sucks my dude, but either stay or go. What you are doing right now is NOT compromise.
ESH. If you honestly believe “staying together for the kids” is better than divorce, then I pity your kids. As someone who grew up with their parents constantly arguing, my brother and I WISHED our parents would’ve gotten a divorce. Your kids will pick up on things. Unless they’re absolute morons, no matter how great you THINK you are at keeping them out of it, you won’t be able to. They’ll be miserable, and it’ll be because of the two of you. You’re doing them absolutely no favors.
Please get a divorce for the sake of your children. When you live like that children will have the most effect. So if you want your children to live in a healthy environment, divorce is the best choice
FFS you sound so self-righteous and seem to have a martyr complex. You’re not doing this for your kids. If you were you would t be putting them through watching their mother be treated like something you scraped off your shoe. I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve it, but your kids damn sure don’t deserve to grow up this way.
Did you cheat first cus NGL I am getting those vibes
I used to wish my parents would get divorced. Living in that tense and angry environment was awful sometimes. If it’s truly for the kids, consider how you will behave in front of them.
If you’re not willing to work on it or discuss it and want to live separate lives, why not get a divorce? People get divorced and share a main house and they take turns there or at an apartment so the kids don’t have to leave the house. If you can’t for financial reasons, go to counseling and find a way to cohabitate amicably for the kids and explain you are not together.
YTA, personally i’d rather be raised in 2 different loving environments than an environment where i only notice my parents hate for eachother and how different my situation is from every kid, divorce is something lots of families go through, one house being divided in 2 and full of negative energy and hatred
“I don’t want to disrupt my kids lives so I will make them watch as I treat my wife like a stranger.” So much better than having two separate, but loving homes for your children.
Ok so YTA. Not because of the whole relationship stuff, I get where you’re coming from. YTA because you’re a clueless idiot who is going to fuck up any chance your kids have of knowing what a good relationship is supposed to look like. Seriously divorce and save your kids the trauma. Stop being a fucking stubborn moron. You’re wrong. Your edit? It’s fucking wrong. The kids are going to be so much worse off if you stay. Ffs you clearly don’t know everything. Time to learn that, for the sake of your children. Do you want them to base their relationships off of what you and your wife are going through? Because they fucking will.
OP, don’t be a moron, your wife is an asshole for forcing an open relationship, but your stubbornness to stay married “for the kids” is a monumentally stupid way to martyr yourself when the very obvious resentment and toxic relationship between you two affects your kids.
Nevermind staying for the kids, if you really cared about them you’d LEAVE for the kids!
If it is not your choice and you do not want to divorce, what is your solution?
To force your wife to never have sex again at the young age of 40
Or to have sex but share home with someone who treats her like an enemy?
What exactly is HER choice?
Neither one of you is NTA. This is what a relationship that has run its course looks like. But if you think you’re doing your kids a big favor by staying together, think again. If I knew my father hated my mother as much as it sounds like you do, I’d never stop crying.
You think seeing this will not disrupt the kids lives. You are seriously insane. I hope you get some inpatient care for your delusions. YTA. Your kids deserve better. If one of them came to you and told you her husband proposed this arrangement you would think it is ok? I hope she divorces you and gets full custody. You are a sick sick man.
This sounds really healthy and will in no way disrupt the lives of your children.
/s
OP, please take your extremely large head out from your butthole. You sir, are now a straight up cuck.
You say you don’t want to disrupt the kids’lives, but that’s BS. They know what’s going on unless they are under 2. People don’t get that kids are very intuitive. They know something is “up” already, even if they don’t know what’s going on.
Now, I don’t really know divorce laws, but if you file first, and the judge hears that your wife basically is forcing you into this, he will probably rule in your favor.
OP, leave your wife, take your kids, and get your stuff together. Unless you enjoy being fucked over and over by your kids mom.
NTA for your feelings. But, YTA if you don’t get out of there for the kids.
The kiddos are gonna be better having divorced parents than having parents that resent each other. Just divorce already!
Signed: a child of two people who won’t divorce but aren’t happy either and I fucking hate living with them.
As others have said, divorce. As someone who’s ACTUALLY in an open relationship, you are not. Not in any sense. You were coerced into it, don’t agree, and I’d bet good money you’re not allowed to or heavily criticized if you were to seek another partner. She manipulated you into being okay with cheating, it’s not an open relationship it’s cheating you agreed to via manipulation of your feelings towards your kids. Do not stay in that, it’s only going to get worse
So, who did she have in mind?
ESH. You for letting your kids live like this. She for demanding an open marriage you don’t agree to. Your kids are not better in this hostile environment vs going between 2 homes. I had parents that hated each other. Their divorce was a blessing. Is this the example you want to set for your children’s future relationships?
This is not an open relationship and you are all but separated if you don’t want to do or have anything to do with her.
You’re not doing this for the kids, you’re doing it for your own ego. If you care about the kids, get divorce and therapy for yourself and them.
So you want your kids to witness and grow up thinking mom and dad living separate in the same home and barely speaking is “normal” ? What a way to be a bad influence on those poor children for love and marriage. Just bite the bullet and divorce.
YTA for staying with your wife when you obviously want a divorce. Do you actually believe that your kids aren’t going to notice the change in your relationship? I promise you that living in the house you just described is going to hurt and emotionally screw up your kids way more than a divorce will.
So I see that you edited your post and told us not to tell you to get divorced?
Get. Freaking. Divorced.
Maybe there can be reconciliation? Due to how you’re talking about living, that’s hardly what you’ll be doing. You’re imprisoning yourself. I’d suggest counseling to get to the root of why she wants an open relationship. I’m sorry for the situation you’re in and hope that you can get it sorted to be in a better way.
Divorce. You can still choose that option.
NTA
Funny how only after you separated the finances you finally got her attention on how you feel.
Stay strong and just focus on your kids.
When your kids get older, have their own lives and don’t need you as much, that’s when you can make your exit from this mess.
Post Edit: Divorce. Your wife disrupted your marriage and your children’s lives with her selfishness. It’s done.
Your plan, while maybe feeling like a form of poetic Justice will fill your home with bitterness and the underlying hatred that you feel. Exposing your kids to this every day will be poisonous to them. You will hurt them far more by forcing them to bear witness to a deeply dysfunctional sham of a marriage.
Fuck your wife. I’m with you. But do what’s best for you kids. It is not what you described.
Better for kids to come from a broken than be in it.
You think it’s better for the kids to stay in a home where their parents are miserable, live separately and ignore each other, under their watchful little eyes and ears? Is that what you want for them when they grow up? You want to show your kids that that is what marriage and love means? That you will never do anything as a family despite being under the same roof? Trust me, you are damaging those kids a heck of a lot more with that plan than you are by divorcing. This sounds more like a need for control, and you think saying stay in the same house is for the kids, proving you don’t grasp the reality of the damage that would cause them.
Dude, kids aren’t stupid. They will figure out things have fundamentally changed. Using them for an excuse to stay in a loveless relationship is bs. They deserve parents who are happy even if that means separate. My folks divorced when I was 5. My mom found a man who loves us unconditionally. My bio donor was not the best father figure. Im very thankfull they didnt stay together.
You don’t want to divorce but you’re okay keeping your kids in this dysfunctional possibly toxic acrimonious situation. Eek. Seek therapy dude. You owe it to your children.
Why would you put yourself in a situation like this? Time for you to cut and run. Find Somebody that can love you and only you.
Go lawyer post nup it all lay out the legalities
Get In therapy even once to see it helps how you feel
Bro. Get a fucking divorce. You’re not doing your kids any favors making the decisions you are.
Eh, it actually is better for the kids to have functional relationships with relatively happy and well-adjusted parents. I don’t think that subjecting them to such a tense household is going to do them much good. It would probably be kinder to them if you two separated. They aren’t better off being shuttled around every two days, but you can work out a different custody arrangement. The way you’re handling it now, it’s an ESH situation, but not including the kids, they’re fine.
Just divorce her. It will be healthier for the kids. You think they won’t pick up on this?! You don’t give them enough credit. They will pick up on the way you treat your wife. Is that what you want to teach them? That it’s okay to treat your spouse like this?
Your poor kids.
ESH
That is not how poly or open relationship works. It only works when no one is a bitter person and actually still want a relationship. There is no benefit to you, your wife and especially not your kids. All your kids will gain from this is unhealthy model of relationship(contributed by BOTH of you) and bitter parents. I feel sorry for their childhood. Being divorced is a healthier option if you really care about them.
ESH. She doesnt need to wait for you to divorce, she can file it herself now. And you just want to win it your way.
I’m so sorry your wife is such a disgusting piece of shit and is so greedy and fucked up that she has done this to you
What a shitty life
Damn, I’m sorry. This is terrible.
Jesus, please divorce already!
She wants to fuck someone else and is ready to crater the marriage if she can’t.
You are ready to make the entire household miserable for everyone and make sure there’s so much tension and resentment in the air that no one will be able to be happy.
What about this is healthier for children than being driven to two households?
I was 9 years old when my parents got divorced. Even at that age I knew my parents were miserable married together.
I was a happier kid because my parents got divorced.
It seems to me you don’t have a marriage anymore. I understand your concern for the kids, but being married does benefit your wife. She will be beneficiary to your pension, she will get half your social security, she will receive benefits from you such as health insurance, employer based life insurance, etc. Divorce now will protect how much of your pension she is entitled to after a long marriage and divorce later. As far as the kids go, if you and your wife are on the same page, you could live side by side (townhouses nextdoor or a common-wall home, large duplex) so the kids have both parents in the same “home” (building).
Yta. You’re making a broken home for your kids. You’re making their lives worse while actively being there. You’re teaching them this is reasonable behaviors from their future spouses. You’re teaching them it’s ok to abuse your partner. You staying and behaving like this is worse then you leaving. Just leave, you’re not doing your kids any favors by staying and being in a toxic abusive relationship.
This is not what poly is lol.
So your wife is cheating on you regularly and instead of an amicable divorce with 50/50 custody which doesn’t have to be every two days. It could be a week on and a week off. I heard about one custody situation where they did six weeks on and six weeks off so there was less disruption for the kids. One where the kids stayed in the home and the mom and dad both had to find another place to live and they lived in the home and the parents switched.
YTA, that’s just a half-assed divorce. You separate everything, just refuse to move out. You’re hurting the kids you say you want to protect.
You are not together anymore. Divorce is hard on the kids, but what you’re doing, the example you 2 are giving the kids, is much worse
You’re not the AH for divorcing. Your wife is the AH for putting you in the position to file for divorce. However, you are/will be an AH to your kids if you don’t divorce.
Nta: While divorce would be the simplest option, it shouldn’t be your hand that the marriage is ending. This is her fault and her responsibility to clean up for the kids.
Bravo… You’ve taken a request by your wife to open the relationship and instead of dealing with it like a grown-up… Saying no that’s not acceptable to me and it’s not what I want in my marriage you taking every single bit of your rage and our parsing it out in every way that you possibly can.
If you were under the illusion that this isn’t damaging to your children, that you want to protect, (so you say), you would be incorrect.
You’re clearly full of rage at your wife for suggesting this and you clearly don’t want to be with her anymore so man up and do the healthy thing and start your life on your own, be a dad to your kids and don’t be disrespectful to their mom because she will always be their mom. you and your wife can move forward with your lives and create whatever happiness or marriage you and envision for yourselves.
FYI, kids don’t thrive or do well in relationships in which parents hate each other .
YTA for agreeing to something you didn’t want to, then changing the nature of your relationship with your wife as a punishment.
NTA and I commend you for setting your boundaries and keeping your self respect.
I am also extremely happy that you moved her out of the master bedroom, most guys will leave and that’s just total bullshit. I don’t know you so I don’t know why that makes me happy, it just does.
I agree with {fuzzy_mic} when they say that this is not an open relationship, you just let your wife date as opposed to fucking up your kid’s lives…good for you.
You say you don’t want to divorce because of the children and you don’t want them moving between households. I get that. Most parents want stability for their children. However, what you are describing is not a healthy environment for your kids. Please think carefully if the relationship going forward that you want to have with your wife, is what you want to model for your children. Do you want them to grow up seeing that this is what a marriage looks like, that this is what they should accept in a partner? I would encourage you to speak individually with a therapist to help get some clarity going forward and deal with what is essentially, the demise of your marriage. Good luck.
Take it from a child of divorce – separated parents are immensely better than what you are doing.
You are showing your kids it’s not only okay to be in a loveless relationship, it’s normal. You are normalizing a broken marriage, a loveless life, and your kids will grow up idolizing and settling for exactly this. You sound miserable – you want your kids to think that’s typical and seek that out in their future?
I agree, shuttling kids between houses sucks. Two Christmases, two birthdays, it’s exhausting for them. But it’s better than seeing you and your wife do this.
Divorce her. It’ll be hard on you and the littles, but by the time they hit adulthood, they will understand and thank you for it. Believe me. My parents first talked about divorce when I was 2. They continued being together until I was 8. I have zero happy memories of them. I barely remember anything before high school because their marriage and fallout was so toxic, it was better to suppress it.
Get. A. Divorce.
Are you so sure this won’t be even worse on your kids than a divorce? I feel like you should maybe rethink this.
>Edit: stop telling me to divorce, I am not gonna be the one to disrupt the lives of my kids. I don’t believe kids are better off being shuttled around every two days.
So your decision is to have shitty parents and make them hate both their parents forever? Good job.
“Edit: stop telling me to divorce, I am not gonna be the one to disrupt the lives of my kids. I don’t believe kids are better off being shuttled around every two days.”
Everyone would be happier and healthier if you did divorce. Now your kids have to see you be miserable and spiteful, contributing nothing to your wife’s life and trying to undermine anything that would benefit her. What a terrible way to grow up.
Let your wife go. Move on with your life to build a relationship that makes you happy. Right now you’re teaching your kids that marriage is miserable. Go build a life that makes you happy so they can see what that looks like.
Edit: yeah, YTA. Your feelings are hurt and you’re acting like a child who wants to take his toys away and go home, but he is home.
It’s understandable to feel hurt. Frankly, it sounds like you’d probably been acting in ways that turned her off and made her want to open up the relationship. Have a great life with or without this person who’s been your wife. It’s going to be really hard to build another romance or even get laid if you’re holding onto deep, active romantic resentments and you hate your living situation and the person you’re living with.
Please read up on how bad it is for kids to live with parents that hate/resent each other versus divorced parents. Hint: divorce is better for the kids.
So it’s better for your kids to see their parents obviously not liking each other very much and whatever other fucked up dynamic you’ve got going on because you are too much of a coward to tell your slutty wife to fuck off.? They should grow up seeing that? Or maybe you get a divorce and they see the happy you, living a normal life and doing normal things. Idk just a thought.
Do you believe kids should live in a home where mommy and daddy don’t talk, don’t touch, don’t even love each other? Is this what you want your kids to think is normal? Is this what you want your children’s marriage to look like 20-30 years down the road???
I know plenty of adults who’s parents “stayed together for the children.” You might too. Ask THEM what it was like growing up with parents that hated each other. My friends would tell you about not bringing friends over because they were embarrassed. They’d talk about staying out as much as they could because they hated being home. They moved out as soon as possible, and most are LC/NC with their parents.
Several ended up in multiple abusive relationships, until they got their heads on right. Two of those stayed in their abusive relationships too long because they didn’t feel like they had anywhere to turn. They certainly didn’t think their parents would be supportive of them leaving their bad relationships. After all, the parents stuck together.
Compared to that, are you sure it’s better than being “shuttled around every 2 days.” Really? Coparenting with someone you hate is a lot easier if you’re not under the same roof.
“Nothing I want is unreasonable” dude you just described a situation where your wife is getting worse treatment than a simple roommate. I don’t disagree that you don’t deserve this, but this is absolutely not a healthy solution for anyone, your kids included. Your house is going to become an intensely unpleasant place to be if you go through with this and that is going to be a 100% negative experience for the kids. I strongly recommend that you find a different solution.
Living with two parents who clearly don’t respect one another is not healthy for your kids.
Trust me those kids growing up in a loveless home is going to fuck them up way more than y’all being separated. Do you really want them to see you treat their mom like absolute dog shit and think that’s ok so when they get married they’re going to treat their partners the exact same and instill some pretty hateful values in them and just continue the cycle. Right now you’re in a toxic situation and if they have to watch that their whole childhood it could emotionally scar them and they wouldn’t even be aware of it.
I have to agree with the others. Divorce would be better for the kids in the long run. My 19yo told me she wished I separated from her dad years ago, just so we all could have been happier separately. We stayed together for her, but did nothing together as a family or as a couple.
Fine, I won’t tell you to get a divorce, but I will say that you and your kids mother need to stop emotionally abusing your kids.
You’re mad, and you have every right to be, but you still need to be a parent.
Do you honestly think this is healthy and good for your children? Do you honestly think this is better than divorce? You really want to show your kids this relationship model and to them grow up thinking this is normal which will eventually fuck up their relationships as adults?
You’re both selfish assholes
You’re kids are being effected. You are not hiding it well I guarantee it. Kids with divorced parents do better developmentally than kids in abusive households. Your wife is cheating on you openly, they’re lives are disrupted. YTA if you don’t get divorced.
Any kid is better off with divorced parents than whatever the hell is going on here.
Yup this is a dangerous situation.
Your kids will NOT benefit from having 2 parents who literally hate each other.
Trust me. Shuttle them back & forth every other week. It will be fine.
My parents didn’t get divorced & I begged them to.
You don’t get to think for your kids.
You are on the wrong track to in-house divorce city, a lonely place where people do not talk nor share.
Try to identify your feelings and describe them to a therapist. Maybe anger, jealousy, humiliation, boredom, wanting a revenge date? Right now you are building walls , sucking oxygen out of the room, and pushing her out of the house. After a while, I would hope she would come back to you full time. Separating financial accounts is ok to bring clarity.
I’m a child of parents that waited too damn long to divorce and it did so much harm to me and my brother. The weird atmosphere at home was horrible and it broke something in me. Remember that your kids will use the relationship they see you and your wife have as a standard for how relationships should be. By staying and being this cruel, you are actively harming them. My dad was the one that should have gotten his shit together and left. He ignored my mother and it turned abusive in the end. That is one of the reasons I have no contact with him today. He created the shit I had to live through. You stay and keep doing this shit, I promise you that your kids will suffer more than anything and it will ruin your relationship with them. You’re an idiot and an asshole if you stay.
Your don’t think your kids are picking up on the animosity in your home? Jesus man grow a spine.
Dude, if you don’t even want to make coffee for your wife, your marriage is over. For your kids’ sake, please get a divorce. I would hate being brought up in that toxic environment.
I want to be poly. My wife doesn’t. Being poly doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse anymore. You just need things that you’re not getting. Also, the whole “one partner for life” is so unnatural, but that’s for a whole different conversation.
Your reaction to it is very unhealthy. Just divorce and find a partner who wants to be monogamous. The kids will be a lot better off with happy but separated parents.