There is this woman, Abby, that matched with my cousin for a dna thing. So we all know she is related to us and part of the family. A lot of people in the family have been excited about it and wanted to find out more and have been doing more tests and have narrowed down that she has either got to be the daughter of my uncle or the daughter of my father. Neither of them are around anymore though so the only way she can find out for sure is if I do a dna test since my uncle had no kids. I personally am not interested in knowing if she is my sister though and have refused to do a test. The rest of the family have respected that and are happy enough to say she is my uncles daughter. Abby keeps harassing me about it privately though saying she deserves to know.
AITAH for not taking a dna test to prove a relative is actually my sister?
r/AITAH
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I mean, NTA and it sucks that she’s harassing you. But I’d probably also want to know who my father was
NTA, your DNA is your own and you don’t have to show it anyone if you don’t want to.
You are not interested in knowing you have a sister.
But she should have the right to know who her parents were.
The only one stopping that is you.
Put yourself in her shoes.
You are this close to possibly finding out your biological parents. And then some woman says, “Nah. I don’t want to know if I have a sister. “
Your entire life is wondering. Just because some woman says, “I don’t want a sister…
It’s not about the sister.
It’s about finding out where she actually came from.
NTA but why wouldn’t you also want to know?
I think the situation is lose lose. She has the right to know who her father is, but you also have the right to refuse your DNA.
NTA- it’s your decision and yours alone.
Slight YTA. It’s a very minor thing for you to do that would take literally a couple minutes of time to help this poor woman have some closure about her ancestry. You’re not obligated to; but most people who aren’t assholes would.
Nta because she is harassing you. I get she wants to have answers but you’ve said no and she can be upset but she needs to get over it and realize her comfort isn’t above your own
Both possible fathers are dead. She knows you don’t want anything to do with her, but you’re not your whole family. Is it possible your objection is that you don’t want it verified your father possibly screwed around and ‘everyone would know’, and that you would not want the rest of your family to become friendly with her based on that? Otherwise, why not? You’re punishing her for something she had no control over. Reasons you’re not admitting. Selfish reasons.
I think YTA. Just because she winds up being your half sister doesn’t mean you have to act like sisters. Weird to not wanna help her.
Just because you take the DNA test, does not mean you need to have a relationship with her or see her as your sister. I would put myself in her shoes, not knowing who her father really is all these years, and I would take the test and give her that closure she needs. I would want someone to do me that kind favor instead of leaving me wonder for the rest of my life who I am.
If you’re not interested, then you’re not interested. Tell her that her harassment isn’t going to change that and may cause her legal problems in the future.
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YTA. She didn’t ask you for an organ, and this is important enough that all parties should know. At the same time, she cannot harass you and force you to give up DNA. At the end of the day, I think it is in everyone’s best interest to know who her father is (you don’t care if she is your sister, but she has a right to know who her father is).
Would her being your sister mean your father was unfaithful? If so, I understand the reluctance. But also, if that is the case, would it not eat away at you to wonder? I think you’re well within your rights to not do it, but I do think that maybe a minor YTA because I would personally feel the right thing to do is help someone else gain perspective and closure if I could, particularly when it wouldn’t really cost me anything. I personally think anyone who wants to does deserve to know who their parents are. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer though, it is truly just based on what your feelings are around it. Why do you not want to do it? If its just out of general disinterest in the information, I do feel like that is a little petty when it clearly means so much to her.
I’m leery of putting my DNA into corporate hands.
I’m assuming both your uncle and father are dead and that they have the same parents. If those assumptions are correct then you are NTA.
Your family can provide her with all of her family medical history without knowing who her father officially is because both options have identical family medical history and she can’t have a relationship with either of them anyway.
The only thing you are withholding is confirmation of her relationship to you, and you don’t owe anyone a relationship. Your father is gone, that is hard enough without a surprise sister. You might change your mind someday, but that is your choice and she is only pushing you away by pressuring you.
Why are you so opposed to finding out? It’s literally a cheek swab. Are you afraid she is going to take something from you? Tarnish your dead father’s name? It’s a simple matter to give this girl the answer she has probably sought her entire life. YTA
NTA obviously but can I ask why you don’t want to help her figure out who her dad is? It’s got to be a little heartbreaking to be so close to knowing who your dad is and having only one person that is keeping you from knowing.
I know some people don’t want their DNA out there on those websites, if that’s the case maybe consider doing it privately if she’s willing to pay for it.
Either way this situation sucks.
NTA. I understand her wanting to know, but you get to control the use of your DNA (until you test and give it to a company, that is). She should not be harassing you and I would suggest blocking her. If her bio mother is still alive and known, she should be able to answer which of those two men she conceived a child with.
NTA. She’s narrowed it down to two possibles so she will have the appropriate medical histories and whatnot. The way she is bugging you about getting the test could be indicative of how she’ll be if she doesn’t get to have the sister/cousin bond she’s seeking.
YTA. Not because you don’t want to give up your DNA but because you may have a sister and you don’t care enough about someone who is potentially your immediate family to do the bare minimum to help them.
NTA no one is entitled to your personal information let alone your actual DNA.
I will never participate in these DNA ancestry sites, I don’t want anyone having that information period. I don’t care if I have half-siblings out in the world, they will never be a sibling to me in a way that matters to me. I don’t want my DNA used to incarcerate a relative ever because I believe in prison abolition.
There are lots of people who don’t know who their father is. This person isn’t special just because she’s taken steps to find out doesn’t make it okay to demand participation of unwilling people.
Just dig up your father or uncle and get a DNA sample. Easy-peasy.
Are you simply uninterested in finding out or are you actually opposed to it?
If you’re simply uninterested and don’t care either way, I’d say it would probably be easier to just let them have the DNA. It’s very easy to do and would be a lot less effort than dealing with people harassing you about it.
But if you’re actually opposed to it, it’s your DNA and you have a right to say no.
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What do you have to lose?
YTA.
Will anything change if it confirms she is your sister (like an inheritance or something)? You don’t have to share your DNA and you are NTA here. I’m just saying if it doesn’t effect you in any way, why not take the test? I feel bad for her not knowing, that has to suck.
Again, NTA but I recommend you consider it if it wont change your life.
NTA. Her right to know “where she came from” does not outweigh your right to control your own DNA.
NAH this just sucks for everyone all around. Of course she wants to know and of course you have the right to say no. It’s just a shitty circumstance for everyone.
NTA. She clearly has never heard about ‘catching more flies with honey rather than vinegar.’ She’s found out who her biological family is — that should be more than enough for her, because that’s WAY MORE than she knew before. If she had been nice, and worked to build a bond with you, then in time you might have agreed to test to see if she’s a half-sister or a cousin but as it is…
Why don’t you want to do it?
If you don’t want to do the test because your worried about something like data security or privacy NTA
If you don’t want to do the test because you just don’t care or don’t want to know whether she’s your sister it’s definitely a case of YTA. Just not a good enough reason to deprive someone of their families health history
I can empathize with her, it’s really hard for someone who doesn’t know who their parent is. This isn’t her fault either. I don’t know why you’re so opposed, it sounds like she’s already in contact with your family. Of course you have the right to say no. But why?
If it’s your DNA that you are uncomfortable with — has anyone double checked blood types? Or eye colors?
Presuming that blood type was notated/tested somewhere in your dad or uncles medical records
In other words, there are a few “old school” ways that she can narrow things down. Without involving you. And you can STILL opt out of any relationship and/or just view her as a “distant cousin” regardless of any results.
ehhh this is hard i get it – but id do it so she can know. ive got a mystery grandfather and it really is just about knowing and trying to have some story of who you are
This is really hard. There really is no winner here. I would like to share that as someone who had so many questions about my own father growing up and never having closure or answers to those questions it was really hard. I’m 40 now and I still think about it and where I come from. It’s hard even now to think, I’ll die someday and still have this mystery.
I know you are indifferent about whether or not she is your sister and that’s ok. You don’t owe her anything and aren’t required to have a relationship with her even if she is.
BUT, if I had been able to get answers about where I came from and it was dependent on someone else taking a blood test, I would have been heartbroken if they chose not to bother. I know you don’t care to know, and that’s not wrong, there are big feelings here but you also hold the key to a question that someone will carry for their entire life.
For those who don’t have these unanswered questions, it’s difficult to understand how empty or lost a person can feel when they don’t know where they come from. Sometimes it can feel like you’re only half complete.
I’ll leave you with this, You have the ability to give someone an amazing gift if that’s what you choose. And if not, (and no judgement), the truth is, she will go the rest of her life with these questions and die knowing the answer was just out of reach.
Once your DNA is uploaded. it’s uploaded.
NAH. She shouldn’t be harassing you, that’s pretty crappy. I get why she wants to know, and why you don’t.
I wouldn’t provide my DNA either because ALL of the places that test DNA then store it and use it for whatever purposes the agreement you signed allows them to. From medical research to selling it. You dont owe her or anyone your DNA. I’d be real careful eating, drinking or leaving so much as a tissue anywhere someone feels strongly you do owe this girl. Theres no stopping them from stealing your DNA and doing it behind your back.
Sucks for both of you. I can easily see both sides here.
NTA
Would have been N-A-H if she were not harassing you and she is doing it privately.
Your family can give her your family medical history. While she may really want to know which deceased brother was her actual father, it doesn’t really matter in terms of her relationship to the family at large.
NTA. Many of those dna companies have turned out not to be trustworthy, I don’t blame people who don’t trust them.
You shouldn’t be coerced into handing over your dna.
She knows enough to gather health info at this point.
Coincidentally, due to these kits, my family is dealing with folks popping up due to egg donations made back in the early 90s, despite health profiles having been shared without the name of donor.
YTA- this poor woman deserves to know her origins. Surprise paternity in adulthood triggers an identity crisis. If you’ve always known who your bio parents are you cannot understand how complex this is for the person seeking answers. You’re being the gatekeeper to foundational identity information for another person. And your unwillingness to support this person finding her own truth comes across as you being paranoid that it IS your father. You’re not obligated to give your DNA of course, but your choice to gate-keep something so significant to a person is extremely selfish and unkind. I found out through consumer dna testing that my father is not my bio father, and over the past 5 years have connected with several half siblings, a dozen cousins and a few visits with my bio dad. Bio dad refused to acknowledge me for about a month after the test results connected me to his other kids and that rejection was agonizing. This is about this woman having a right to the truth. You have the right to block it, but it definitely makes you the asshole.
Nta but it honestly it kinda sounds like you’re afraid to know for sure.
It’s a little bit of spit so if you weren’t afraid then you could take 30 mins to get it over with to get her off your back
Meh~ you can’t be in her shoes because you’ve always know who you are. You are the one person who can give her that closure. Is it enjoying being your father’s only child? Would it be embarrassing for your parents’ marriage that she exists? If you were more confident in it being your uncle like most want to believe, I think you would do it to concrete the assumption. Since you’re not it seems like you are very worried about it proving your dad fathered someone else too. It’s a lot of power to wield over a person’s life. Even with answers I wouldn’t want to know, I don’t think I would deny someone that knowledge, especially if I were the privileged one who grew up with dad while she spent a lifetime wondering.
You have the right to refuse.
Abby should learn to take no for an answer, she is AH
There are so many comments swirling around the opinion of companies having your DNA. Or DNA being sold or just overall “I wouldn’t want the government having that”
But OP didn’t say anything about her reservations being driven by that thought process so why is everyone using that as part of the reasons why. Those might be your or my reasons for not providing DNA but OP said nothing about that being the reason she’s declining.
Why don’t you go through an “official” channel to test to confirm relationship, like how a testing for paternity for court type thing is done, rather than a “commercial” channel like a 23&Me/Ancestry type thing? Then she knows and can have peace of mind, but your dna still remains private.
I don’t fault you for wanting to keep your dna private, but I can’t fault Abby from wanting to know where she comes from nor your family from wanting to know where exactly she fits in. The way it stands now, every kinda sucks. Her for being pushy, you for be entirely unwilling to find a solution because you “don’t care” if she’s your sister.
It’s absolutely wild to me how many of you who have never had to question your own paternity are so staunchly against this woman knowing the facts about her own. What a privilege- you can all be blind to the significant psychological and emotional stress of the situation and flatter yourselves with the conspiracy theory that the government gives a shit about your dna. Which you leave literally everywhere you go. BTW
Subtle but important difference. You are declining the DNA test, not refusing it. Not sure how long all this has been going, but suggest that time will be a helpful element. These kinds of reveals can be very shocking and destabilizing for people, and taking some time with things tends to help. The decision is yours, with no right/wrong answer.
It doesn’t cost you anything emotionally so why not do it? She seems more interested in who’s her father than if you’re her brother. She has a right to know. You have a right to deny. But if it isn’t a big deal for you then you’re an AH for arbitrarily refusing.
It’s your DNA therefore your decision- if they give you any crap about it ask how they feel about body autonomy for themselves.
YTA. Though I understand you don’t want your image of your father to be changed, I feel like her right to know who she is, overcomes that.
I would make it clear that I wasn’t interested in a sister relationship, but would do the test. Don’t forget, Abby is an innocent party in this situation. She didn’t ask to be born, but probably has a deep desire to know where she came from for whatever reason.
Is there an inheritance that would be at stake? Is money involved and she might be able to get some? Apparently the father didn’t help her financially as a child. He neglected her wellbeing if he suspected or hid her existence.
Being forced into a DNA test is not okay. You don’t want to. That should be the end of it, no matter how lame your reasons are, but it honestly sounds kind of cowardly to me. You don’t want to do it because you’re scared of the answer.
But I get it. Sometimes the truth is ugly, so we avoid it because that’s easier. It’s your life, it’s your past that potentially gets blown apart if you open the box.
Will she weaponise the DNA results to go after any inheritance?
Be careful about her getting her hands on your samples if you feel the above is potentially real…
Are you not interested because you feel the memory of your father is being threatened?
Is entirely your choice. But lets face it, is hardly going to hurt since it’s just a swap of the inside of your mouth. And she has a right to know. But is your choice.
NTA. If the test turns out that she is your sister the harassment won’t stop there. If you’re not interested in having a sibling relationship then you’ll have to deal with her and your whole family ganging up on you for being standoffish towards her. You also might have to deal with her going after your father’s estate if there is anything worth fighting about.
NTA
Finding out exactly who her father was does nothing. It doesn’t change her physically and it doesn’t give her an upbringing in which he was present. That boat sailed and she wasn’t on it. At some point she needs to come to terms with this and given how obsessive she seems to be I doubt that she will be significantly happier doing it later with DNA test result in her hands. This will always be a situation of incompleteness for her and you don’t need to go providing your DNA to a company that will always retain it as an asset to possibly sell just to try to make complete a situation which will always be incomplete.
Keep a record of contacts with her and get a restraining order if necessary.
Sort of NTA, because you have the right to keep your personal information private, and there’s probably precious little that’s more private than the DNA in your own body. Abby is acting badly by refusing to accept your answer. But I can’t call her a total AH because the need to know who you “are” and who your people are is so very, very strong.
And then what???
Say you do share a father. Will she leave you alone ( if that’s what you want)?
Will you end up haunted by questions about your father and why this occurred? Does she even care about your feelings in all this?
Why do folks think her need to know tops your personal needs?
NTA
I’m sympathetic to Anna, but when I worked for a probate and family law attorney I saw far too many families wrecked due to ‘surprise’ children popping up posthumously. Even when inheritance turned out not to be an issue the emotional devastation of finding out ‘dad was a cheater’ or ‘I’m an affair baby’ or what have you and having to come to grips with that was brutal for all parties.
NTA – You may not want your DNA in a database.
Frankly, as me responding to your post you’re NTA. As her, who is trying to learn who her father is, yeah, she probably thinks you’re TA.
I just have one question: if the situation were reversed (you didn’t know who your dad was and you were led to believe her DNA contained the answer) how would you feel about her refusing?
NTA
I don’t think that Abby is an AH for wanting to know who her father is, but I do think that she is an AH for harassing you about taking the DNA test.
Assuming that the DNA tests are accurate, and Abby is either your half-sister or your cousin, then I’m sure that your relatives can tell Abby about your family’s medical history.
Where’s Abby’s mom in all of this?
NTA. Your body, your choice. Regardless, there is at least one unknown reason she doesn’t have her own family history, and it has nothing to do with you. Since the male possibilities are both passed, she should seek answers from her mother’s side. It may not be ‘fair’, but sometimes we have to learn to live with disappointment. DNA tracing only sometimes leads to those happy endings. She should respect the feelings and decisions of others. Good luck.
NTA- I get how these questions of who her father is have probably bothered her for a long time but you don’t owe her anything. If you want to let the past be. Let it be. She doesn’t have a right to shake that information out of you. We don’t always get what we want.
YTA. Go help this poor woman out, you have nothing to lose ffs. Take a private DNA test so your DNA isnt on a server somewhere
NTA. You have every right to decide whether or not to test your own dna.
Sounds like Abby needs to do some grave digging. /s
NTA
NTA. This is why the age of DNA tests has caused so much trouble. OP never put THEIR DNA in the database but, because family members did, it led back to them. And OP doesn’t want to participate. Which is perfectly ok! It’s OPs DNA! If Abby wants to know who her father is so bad, she should have gotten that information from her mother instead of harassing OP. Hopefully Abby’s mom wasn’t sleeping with both brothers… 🙄