This has weighed on me for a long time. I have been in therapy for the past few months for my postpartum depression and feel that I’m finally ready to talk about it. I (F25) am married to my high school sweetheart Jack (M26). Jack and I met our Freshman year of high school but he had to move 2 hours away for sophomore year. We decided we would stay together (it had been a little over a year of dating) and do long distance until I got my license. I became friends with a different crowd from a neighboring school. We would have house parties frequently as one of the guy’s parents were always traveling. At one of these parties I unfortunately was taken advantage of by two guys who I thought were my friends while highly impaired by alcohol & w33d. I immediately stopped hanging out with all of these so called “friends”. A few months later Jack came over while his parents were on vacation and he was home alone and we “lost our virginities”. Flash forward to now almost 10 years later we are married and have 1 child together. Recently at a girls night I had a close friend who knows about this happening ask why I never told him I wasn’t a virgin. AITAH for not telling him? I’m so far removed from that time in my life 10 years later I just think it would hurt him to much. I am healed from this and no longer feel pain from it I don’t want to bring back those feelings and possible new feelings.
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body: This has weighed on me for a long time. I have been in therapy for the past few months for my postpartum depression and feel that I’m finally ready to talk about it. I (F25) am married to my high school sweetheart Jack (M26). Jack and I met our Freshman year of high school but he had to move 2 hours away for sophomore year. We decided we would stay together (it had been a little over a year of dating) and do long distance until I got my license. I became friends with a different crowd from a neighboring school. We would have house parties frequently as one of the guy’s parents were always traveling. At one of these parties I unfortunately was taken advantage of by two guys who I thought were my friends while highly impaired by alcohol & w33d. I immediately stopped hanging out with all of these so called “friends”. A few months later Jack came over while his parents were on vacation and he was home alone and we “lost our virginities”. Flash forward to now almost 10 years later we are married and have 1 child together. Recently at a girls night I had a close friend who knows about this happening ask why I never told him I wasn’t a virgin. AITAH for not telling him? I’m so far removed from that time in my life 10 years later I just think it would hurt him to much. I am healed from this and no longer feel pain from it I don’t want to bring back those feelings and possible new feelings.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You think a woman being raped is the same as her having sex?
The first time you made love was with your husband.
What business is it of your friend to know what you and your husband share as a couple.
For all you know, he may have had a fling while gone.
Sometimes, somethings aren’t worth knowing.
NTA. It’s not like you had a relationship with your abusers! Unless you feel like your husband would be supportive no need to bring it up.
You were still a virgin and your friend was wrong to say you werent
Im curious why you never told him you were attacked, not because you owed it to him, cuz you dont, but because he is your partner in life, if your friend had asked this question with sincerity I could understand, well sorta cuz you dont just casually bring up a subject that was (and could have still been) traumatising
I question her motives for bringing it up, it feels shady
You know you lie to your husband 10 years continously? What do you think, what did he do when he knows? Start planning the divorce. Because a stupid lie, and to not trust your husband.
I understand why your friend asked you that. You are NTA for not telling him, but I would be concerned for my friend if she was married to someone she didn’t feel safe confiding in with something like that. It is of course your choice, hence the NTA, but your partner should be your safe space and it is concerning that you haven’t felt that safety with him in the 10 years you’ve been together. I’m sorry you had to go through that, I hope one day you can feel strong enough to call what happened to you by its name because you were raped, you did nothing wrong, you are not wrong, you were not and are not worth any less because of the actions of others. Virginity is given, you didn’t give yours to those pieces of shit, you gave it to your husband. Take care OP
You were not a virgin from physical PoV, but you were a virgin psychologically, emotionally. Having sex for the first time, exploring all these new feelings and sensations, is totally opposite from being raped. You didn’t make love, it was not your decision, you were assaulted and could do nothing stop them. It is like comparing a massage or a hug with being severely beaten up.
Frankly, if you had a consensual sex before him, it is the right thing to tell him. In your case, the right thing is to do whatever is better and safer for you. Tell now, tell later, don’t tell.. don’t feel guilty, do what you feel is right.
You wouldn’t have been an asshole for not telling him even if It had been consensual. The fact that you were assaulted and had trauma from that makes it only completely understandable that you wouldn’t want to talk about it.
Im gonna get shit tied on but you not disclosing to him looks shady atp , im sorry what happened to you I really am but it can be looked at a certain way retro actively , while it’s your expertise share , you not telling him might make him feel untrustworthy and shit potentially. It’s
Well first off, you did lose your virginity to your husband. He’s the first one you made love with, so that’s who you gave your virginity to.
But, my question is why do you have to tell him at all? Some couples don’t share everything with each other, and that’s okay. If you’re not one of those couples, is it important to you that he knows, or is it that you feel pressured to say something after your friend brought it up?
Honey, if somebody did take advantage of you, this was not sex. You didn’t have sex before him. You lost your virginity with him that day. You had sex with hin for the first time.
You didn’t have sex before him. You were raped that is absolutely not the same thing at all.
Please try not to frame it in your head as having sex before him because that isn’t what it was. When you are ready please bring him with you to a session and have your therapist help you tell him. Hopefully he will understand and if he doesn’t then he doesn’t deserve you.
Idk it’s kinda like finding out ur adopted. I still think it’s important for ur husband to know and definitely something that could end being an issue if he found out about why u didn’t tell him and does skew the perspective on a lot. I also think u were taken advantage of sure but regardless u got spit roasted and a large part of the foundation of ur relationship isn’t what ur husband thinks it is
Your 15 year old brain told you to keep quiet because that’s what rape does to young girls. They carry the shame and blame for something they couldn’t stop.
Your adult mature brain is now open to acknowledging you didn’t do anything wrong, which I’m so glad you’ve managed to do that with help.
Only you can know how your husband will react, he either will be very supportive, or an asshole more concerned he wasn’t there first.
Personally I think what ever you decide to do is a decision you can live with, it’s your trauma, and how you deal with it is your business.
I’d be concerned about a friend who thinks she has any right to tell you what you did was right or wrong, it’s not her bloody business. Be very careful that this friend doesn’t take it upon herself to tell your husband, I wouldn’t trust her one bit.
Virginity is a made up social construct that puts a completely imaginary value system on women. You didn’t have sex before him. You were assaulted. That moment that the two of you shared your first experience together was genuine.
Nta as you were assaulted, you didn’t have sex, but this is something he should be made aware of especially since it’s weighing on you so heavily. You dealing with it on your own while continuing to feel guilty may cause issues down the line and that doesn’t seem like what you want. If he’s as loving a husband as you think he is, he’ll support you and not blame you for something that wasn’t your fault. You’ve moved past it but it doesn’t seem like you’re over it. Sit him down and have an honest discussion of what happened so you can finally start to work through it.
This is private information about a trauma you experienced and didn’t want to share. You’re only feeling like this is something you’ve hidden from your spouse is because of what this stupid chick said. Virginity is a construct of ownership of women’s bodies. You own your body. You didn’t “lose” anything to anyone. You chose him to be your first sexual partner.
Another commenter here says it’s like putting a nice warm hug and getting beaten up on the same level. It’s not the same at all. If somebody asked you if you’d ever been hugged would you feel guilty saying no because you’d been beaten up before? Of course not. Remind yourself that you’re dealing with it in therapy and that you have nothing to feel guilty for. If anything I think your husband might be more hurt that you didn’t feel like you could confide in him about what happened to you.
Maybe someday you’ll want to take him to a therapy session with you and tell him in a safe place where the therapist can mediate the conversation and it’s not about you not being a virgin, it’s about you experiencing a trauma and not feeling safe talking about it to anyone let alone your teenage boyfriend., but now you’re feeling safer to share that experience with him because you know that he loves you and supports you, and would never judge you for it.
One, I’m so sorry this happened to you. You get to count the sex that happened on your terms as losing your virginity. Your friend is an asshole but also, it may be worth letting your husband know something horrible happened to you so he can support you.
Rape == sex, and I would hope that not only would your husband understand that, but would also be understanding that a young teen wasn’t comfortable sharing a traumatic experience. If you would like him to know and are concerned about his reaction, having your therapist present to assist in facilitating the conversation and keeping it on track could be helpful.
NTA. Honestly, unless you want to share this with him, I don’t see why it matters. Its been 10 years and it hasn’t been a problem so…
I had a similar “sexual encounter” before my husband and I dated in high school. Oddly, I told him about it before he and I had sex for the first time. I’ve never told anyone else except for a friend the day after it happened. My husband considers himself my first because he doesn’t think it counts as losing my virginity if I wasn’t able to consent, and he’s held that opinion since we were 16 years old.
If he was under the impression that you guys were going to take each others virginities then yes, you’re the asshole. Fuck you tbh
Your friend kind of sucks here for even insinuating you weren’t a virgin given the situation
Sounds like you might have been incapable of giving informed consent, which is SA. Your close friend is not acting that close.
NTA. At all. I understand your reluctance, and your feelings and concerns are supremely valid. But I would now worry about a future falling out with your “friend” and she ends up telling him in anger with you.
There is a chance now that he will find out anyway, and you don’t want (IMHO) him to find out from her or anyone else.
I agree with others that telling him in therapy would be wise.
When I was 15, I was raped by my foster brother. He was NOT my first. He was a boy who tried to steal something from me. 2 years later I met my first love and we became each others firsts. He knew about my rape, but if you asked him 26 years later who my first was, he say without a second guess that it was him.
I’m glad you’re in therapy to talk about it, but speak to your therapist about bringing your husband in to talk to him if that’s what you want. You are NTA HERE. Those boys were. As is, imo, the close friend who thinks you were not a virgin due to rape.
I am not sure what you should do. I was taken advantage of by a family member when I was very young. I have issues with this. My husband knows some of the details but I talk with a therapist about this a lot. If your husband truly loves you, he will understand. I think it should be done with your therapist session. He can express himself about what happened. It is not your fault that this happened. You are not to blame at all. Do not internalize this. Your therapist can help you with telling your husband and when and if you tell him. Some times it is not possible to tell someone about this. It also sounds like you need to tell him.
I am so sorry that you were violated in this way by people you trusted. I am also sorry that others are making it seem like you have misled or victimized your husband by not sharing this experience with him.
I agree with what others have suggested; discuss with your therapist some strategies for talking with your husband. Or, when you’re ready, you could ask your husband to join you at a therapy session.
But yeah, your friend sounds like not a friend at all. Time to thin the herd. And know that you don’t need to carry any shame. Not for keeping it to yourself at the time, or not sharing it over the years. Not for being there. You were violated and you have done what you needed to do to cope and bring yourself to a place where you can deal with that trauma. Be kind to yourself.
Take it to the grave. If finds out, tell him you put it behind you and don’t want to relive it. If he questions you about being a virgin, just tell him you always considered yourself a virgin since what happened wasn’t voluntary.
it’s okay to talk about it, but it’s also okay to not talk about it. i don’t think you’re an AH for not bringing it up.
You didn’t “have sex” with those guys.
You were raped.
There’s a difference.
I think what happened to you was messed up and wrong but from his perspective you didn’t tell him until now which in my head makes me think he is questioning the validity of the situation. I’m thinking in his mind he’s like how can someone so close to me not tell me this and they were hurt like this. I bet his mind is wondering like angry but also is she telling the truth?! Only because you didn’t mention it and technically you never did, your friend did which probably makes him think you could have been hiding it as a secret hook up not assault. Just my opinion, don’t think you’re the Ahole just tough spot to be in.
Sweetheart. You didn’t have sex you were raped. If someday you feel comfortable enough to talk to your husband about it that’s where you need to focus the conversation.
If he is anything but 100% supportive then you need to reevaluate your relationship.
No,no,no,no,it would destroy him, and you can wave goodbye to your marriage.. Why would you wait ten years … please think very ,very carefully before taking this action.
I’d tell him, maybe with your therapist. If he gets shitty, says more about him than you. Mitigate him finding out from this woman, or others.
You’re not the asshole, at all. You did lose your virginity to your husband, what happened before that was an attack/assault. I’m glad you’re in therapy and I would suggest (once you’re ready) bringing your husband into a session so you can tell him while having support and a third party to talk it through with. Wishing you happiness and healing💕
NTA.
Virginity is a weird construct and just because someone was raped or assaulted doesn’t make them not a virgin. You didn’t have sex. You didn’t choose to have sex. Therefore, you were a virgin. You’re honestly not under any obligation to tell your husband that you were assaulted given that you were both kids. Like you said, it’s very different to if something had happened today.
Tell him because you want him to know. Tell him because you want his kindness and love and support and validation. Don’t tell him because you feel like you’ve tricked him or lied to him or some shit, because you haven’t
If he acts anything other than thrilled that you still gave your first consensual experience to him, fuck him.
You didn’t have sex and he doesn’t have the right to know. You can tell him if or when you’re ready to. My husband doesn’t know and I’m still not ready to tell him and we’ve been together for almost 9 years. It’s not like I don’t trust him to know, I’m just not ready for anyone besides my therapist to know and that’s okay.
I’m so very sorry that you had to go through that. Healing is a slow going marathon, not a race. For all intents and purposes, you were a virgin until Jack. Keep talking to your therapist and work through it with her.
NTA but I question if this is really a good friend.
You didn’t “have sex” before him.
Not wanting to share past trauma is your choice, no one else’s. Your friend needs to back off.
I’m sorry, you’re worried this will hurt HIM too much? Ma’am.. you went through something traumatic. You didn’t cheat on him by intentionally sleeping with someone before him. It wasn’t your fault. If he is a good person that loves you, he’ll understand and be supportive. Side note, that’s not your friend because why on earth would she say something so heinous? And yes, that’s a heinous thing to say. If this is something YOU really want to talk about with him, I really recommend going to therapy together for that conversation. Wishing all the best for you. 💕