My daughter’s birthday party was yesterday and I spent the last 4 days push mowing our yard bc the riding mower is messed up and the grass was about knee height. I go to work at 6am and I get home around 6pm and I spent literally every second until 10pm mowing and raking up grass clippings and bagging them. While I was at work I was finding the bounce house rental we could use and contacting them and getting it all set up and I was getting the food taken care of. I got home from work yesterday and I picked up the food and brought it home, went and picked up our baby (not the birthday girl) from my mom. I mostly kept up the baby during the party but I also moved around the bounce house and cleaned a good amount of the kitchen after food and cake and everything. After the kitchen part I went back out with the baby and played with her and my wife’s sisters 2 year old in the water. Then my wife starts bad mouthing me in front of guests and tells me I didn’t do anything for the party or during the party. So I basically let it go and I take the baby back to my mom’s house for the night so the bigger kids could have a sleep over. I then started to try to get the projector all set up and my wife starts telling me I’m just trying to be the cool parent and again says I didn’t do anything until now that she’s starting to be loud and hateful. She told me to go run to my mommy’s house and so I left. That is basically the story. There is probably more things in there but I’m losing my want to keep typing. Am I missing something? I understand birthday parties are stressful but I feel like I was as helpful as I could be with the time I have available. That’s my Ted talk. Thanks.
Aitah for not understanding why my wife (32f) says I (33m) didnt help with our daughters birthday party?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA. No way you think you’re the AH. Your wife sounds like a very tiring person to be around.
Your wife is once, twice, three times the asshole for lying about you, bad mouthing you in front of friends, and not giving you credit for the things that you did. I recommend you divorce her.
Is this issue a current theme in your marriage or was her reaction unexpected? If she consistently complains that you fail to contribute equally to family responsibilities then the problem is not the party itself. If her behavior was unexpected then I suggest that next time you two entertain that you make a list detailing the tasks for which each of you is responsible. Based upon your post, NTA.
Nta. You should have a pointed conversation about everything you did for your family, and what she said was hurtful and untrue. That you understand she was stressed out and hopefully didn’t mean it. Those kind of comments are going to kill your marriage if she does it often even if you dont hear them she probably still saying it to others.
You need to politely call her out in such a way it doesn’t make your guests uncomfortable. Something like, “oh dear, Maybe I could have baked the cake after work, but before spending 4hours mowing the grass. I suppose I could have cook the food instead of picking it up. I would try to politely push back to her on that remark. She sounds dreadful!
Take it from a Mom of 3. Little kids don’t remember big, fancy parties. Through the years, we’ve learned to keep it simple but nice!
Your wife is a narcissist 100%
Why are you with her? Because this behavior would taint literally anything I’d love about my wife is she acted like this. Also stop being quiet, call her out, publically if needed. She’ll leave or stop. Either way problem is gone
Or name drop her and we can have a conversation with her lol that’s some narcissistic ass projection she’s doing. Making herself feel better now she can party all by her stank hating self. You should stay humble let her keep lighting that fire and then once all is said and done drop those divorce papers. (Of course I’m being extreme but she shouldn’t bad mouth you in front of people) that’s like downplaying you as a person, a husband, a father, a son everything she married to “for better or for worse”. You deserve so much better and she definitely needs to hear this , it’s not right and if she had issues she could’ve went to you privately.
The only person that can explain why your wife reacted this way is… your wife. Talk to her. You say you guys have a baby, is she not feeling like you’re helping on a day-to-day basis? You say the grass was knee high, is that because you’re not taking care of things outside of the party?
You paint yourself as the angel, which seriously makes me question why your wife is so pissed. If you really are doing everything you should be as a husband and dad, then have you talked with your wife about her mental state after having the baby? PPD can pop up quickly and unexpectedly.
NTA, if my wife did that to me I would have left the house. I don’t put up with that behavior from anybody. Call her out immediately or afterward.
When kids are little 5 and under parties are for the adults. Kids have fun but they really won’t remember what happened. Your wife is a real piece of work, have good discussion about her behavior and what she considers helping for the party.
You cleared the garden, arranged the bounce house and arranged and collected the food, then you watched the 2 year olds for the entire party.
What did your wife do?
Unless you left out major details, you are sooooooooo NTA.
Projector? What is this 1969?
NTA, you did plenty for the party and her publicly embarrassing you is a level of disrespect. I would NEVER call out my husband in front of party guests.
NTA – your wife is a toxic bitch.
NTA. It sounds like you did quite a bit with mowing the lawn with a push mower when you usually use a riding mower, picking food up (after ordering it too), and also being in charge of your youngest. (And going to your job too.) So your wife I assume cleaned the house, set up for the party, decorated, sent invitations, got the kids ready, etc? Does she work too? Yard work isn’t easy. I’d take her tasks over yours any day but that’s me. Next time before the party she needs to be clear on what she expects from you. Her vocalizing her feelings in front of guests was wrong and rude. A task list is a great idea like calacmack mentioned.
16 hours mowing the lawn ok, sure and had to do just when it was time to set up the party ok, YTA and on top of that u seem to hide a lot, man up dude! You should have been front and center at YOUR KIDS party not out back watching the baby and taking the baby and staying at your mom’s house.
If you hadn’t mowed the lawn, there couldn’t have been a bounce house. That was exhausting work. Get a new wife.
NTA. You listed everything you did, what did she do? If you got the food, mowed and set up the bounce house – what was left? Cleaning the house, getting the kid ready and decorating? Sounds like it was split more towards you doing the work? Maybe she was busy getting frazzled and didn’t know everything you did or think it through.
Obviously she’s the AH for making a public display of a personal matter regardless. That’s awkward for everyone, she needs to stop. There’s nothing worse than going to peoples parties just to listen to how much they hate each other.
Does your wife work? Even if she does, she sounds like she’s just an unpleasant person, doesn’t sound like she’s appreciated anything you have done at all! Is she an only child? She sounds like a high maintenance spoiled brat. If this is something that has just got progressively worse, it’s only going to continue to get worse and worse. Might be time to start thinking about the big D. You deserve to be treated fairly and respectfully. She sounds like she does neither.
You contributed quite a lot, so NTA for what you understood were the needs of the day. What is missing from a possible list of tasks outnumber the actual tasks necessary for the event including housecleaning, invites, purchasing/wrapping gifts, decorations, ordering/picking up cake, on and on. I think of your wife seeing you spend so much time mowing “knee deep” grass. Do you procrastinate? Could you have helped more if not for the hours spent on mowing? How long has the mower been broken? Your wife was out of line but I sense that she’s expressing frustration where you have not addressed her feelings and concerns in the past
Ask her to send you a list of things that she expected you to do. In return send her a list of what you actually did.
She sounds exhausting but maybe it’s just miscommunication. Or maybe you are married to a nagging harpy
NTA
You did more than most dad do. Wtf is her problem? Honestly, she sounds toxic and insufferable.
Sounds like she’s impossible to please. Is this how you want to live your life? With zero appreciation or gratitude for your hard work?
Updateme
ESH – Mowing your lawn is not getting ready for a birthday party. Also- the grass was up to your knees??? That’s crazy. Getting the bounce house was good. Picking up the food was good. Cleaning up the kitchen was good. Playing with the kids isn’t really helping either. I think you and your wife need to have a conversation about the division of labor and how it’s not nice of her to berate you in front of guests.
I think ur needing to move out again
She’s clearly not happy and if u both can’t talk it through leave because it’s not fair on the kids to be brought up in a toxic house with her bitching at u
I was the kid in my home and I remember the arguing and shouting best thing they did was split and are both better people for it
ESH. You and your wife are NOT communicating about the labor involved in running a house and maintaining a family. In essence, the work each of you do to contribute is INVISIBLE to the other person. She does not see you “laboring” to bring home a paycheck, so obviously it’s play time. You aren’t seeing her scrub the toilets, wiping out the sink and mopping bathroom floors so guests aren’t cringing from dirt, so she’s obviously snacking on bon bons and playing on her phone. Get the idea? And bonus: if the other person doesn’t VALUE the effort, it looks like a waste of time.
This needs to be fixed before a divorce occurs because that’s where this ends up if it isn’t resolved. Also, a one time Lawn Guru appointment may have been cheaper / less exhausting / time consuming once the disaster of a non working mower occurred, but the same could have been said for a couple of hours of a cleaning service. It’s time to talk, and more importantly, sit down and go over A LIST of expectations, including estimated time.
In theory you both learned to do this while planning your wedding. If not, start writing it all down – it’s not going to get easier, and the two of you need to remember you are on the same team.
The two of you need to go to couples counseling. Otherwise you are headed for divorce court, or you should be. You need to see your partner’s perspective and she needs to see yours.
Well, you knew the grass was going to be an issue. You waited until the week before to turn it into a major time consuming project the week before a big party. You basically ordered take out and showed up. You then played with your kid while she handled everything else. The house, snacks, invitations, cake, party favors, organizing a sleep over….
How old are your kids?
I don’t have enough information to tell you one way or another. It seems like you did plenty, but was there anything your wife asked you to do that you didn’t get done? I mean the way you describe it, you seem to be in a competition. Is it normally like that? I did this and this but you only did that. That sounds horrible. My wife and I are a team, so we don’t keep score. Sometimes I do more , and sometimes she does more. As long as it’s done who cares.
It’s time to sit your wife down and tell her that badmouthing you in front of people is unacceptable and that it’s clear she has some issues going on so it might be best if she gets a job and pays for daycare and that you will both be writing out a chore list that you each will be responsible for certain things for the house and kids. Next time it is time to mow she will be doing it so she understands the contribution it actually is. You can suggest going to couples counseling as well. But under no circumstances is it okay to talk badly about each other to others especially at your kids birthday party. She also needs to go to the doctor to get checked for ppd. Nta
I see you put in effort, but she’s the one who has a viewpoint of her own. One thing your story didn’t give us is any request she may have made that you ignored or shrugged off. Presuming she had a list in her head of what “birthday party” tasks are, I’ll go out on a limb and say she didn’t discuss these or even put them on the refrigerator. So the conclusion is: y’all need to get professional help on couples communication.
If this isn’t rage bait, your wife sounds like an absolute nutcase.
Personally I would stay where she told you to go, and consult a lawyer.
Maybe ask your family how they see things from the outside…..
I am having a hard time believing this is real.
Im sure there are at least 2 sides. But my first red flag is you spent FOUR DAYS mowing a lawn that was knee high. That was 4 days you weren’t doing anything else and also had let the grass get that long. There are always stories of men who spend the day before and if a party doing chores that have been on the list for months.
When you went to couples therapy what did the therapist say?
There is not enough here to form an opinion.
What more did she expect you to do? You did the yard, got the bouncy house. The food and the baby were taken care of. You even helped clean up and played with the little kids. I would point all this out and ask her what else could you have done. What did she do? Does not seem like she did her part.
I think you married a monster wife and potential a monster mom. Not accepting your role abs commitment to the family when you did your duty from 6am to 10pm is just insane.
YTA – knee high grass? I am more than sure that not only the garden is only done when guests are coming.
YTA. But you’re going to get a bunch of comments saying you aren’t from people who are primed to believe every “woman bad, shrew wife” story, so good for you. How did you let the grass get knee high and to the point you had to spend all of your time the week prior to the party mowing it? And then you did two other party related things and want a fucking cookie or something? The fact that you are listing off a couple of things as some big achievement means that your wife did everything else, including taking care of everything for a week while you were mowing the lawn you let get out of control. She is right and you are wrong.
Sounds like your wife is always telling you you don’t do enough so you keep doing more and more to try and please her. Basically she will never be satisfied. I agree with another poster about setting up a list ahead of time what the responsibilities are and making sure it’s split fairly. Also write down everything that you did and show her the list and say why isn’t this enough?
Why did you have to move out?
She might be your wife but she ain’t your partner bad mouthing you to other people
I suspect the mental load of running your household falls on your wife. I would recommend reading on mental load. While you did a few tasks, there were several you did not do.
NTA what exactly did your wife do for the party? I’m sorry you feel unappreciated OP. It sounds like your work isn’t noticed as it should be. Have you tried to talk to your wife about this?
I would write down (just copy your post) all the things you did and send that to her and say you want to better understand why she is saying you didn’t do anything and ALSO that if she has an issue with you, you would prefer you both discuss it in private and don’t bring up a relationship problem in front of other people. Depending on her reaction, I would seriously consider whether you want to live your life this way. It sounds miserable.
I would have said out loud in front of everyone. I’m so sorry that after working 12 hour days, mowing knee high grass, picked up clippings
Arranging for the bounce house. Buying the food. Picking up our baby, doing the kitchen cleaning after food and cake. Taking the baby to my mother’s so the older kids could have a sleepover wasn’t enough. Please tell everyone what else I could have done to help you?
Without knowing how much your wife did we really don’t know whether you did most of the work or only a small part. I had this discussion with my husband around traveling. The marriage counselor suggested we each write down a list of what we did for our last trip. He was shocked at the number of hours I put in. I am not of saying that he did not also put in effort towards our trips. Just that he did not recognize the effort I put in.
It may be true that neither of you are truly recognizing the efforts the other put in for this party. Next time each of you write down what jobs you think have to be done and how much time you think they will take. Then compare notes. Also discuss explicitly how much hands on help is needed during the event. She may have assumed and expected your actual hands on help during the event and figured someone else could watch the baby. And you may have thought the most helpful thing you could do is take care of the baby and keep her out of the way. Specific detailed communication will go a long way.
Why in the world was the grass foot high? If your yard was under control, like most people, you would have been able to contribute more to regular party prep.
She might not count the lawn care as that is normal chores and likely already annoyed that it was long overdue for a mow. Just sayin
Write a list ask her what other tasks she expected.
I’m trying to picture everything and it sounds to me like you did ALL the pre-party work. The lawn stuff sounded like a nightmare job, plus ordering and picking up the food and setting up the bounce house. You were the one taking care of the baby during the party, and bringing the baby back and forth from your mother’s.
Seems all that was left for your wife to do was setting out/serving the already-prepared food and bringing stuff in and out of the kitchen. And that was probably with others helping. And you were mostly cleaning up the kitchen as things went on! What the fuck else could she have wanted from you?
Then bad-mouthing you in front of everyone claiming you didn’t do anything for or during the party? I find that unforgivable! A spouse should never do that, even if it were legit, which this wasn’t. You need to do some very serious talking with her and get things straight one way or the other. It sounds like you were badly mistreated.
NTA. This is clearly a much bigger issue than this one party. I don’t understand why she would feel justified in criticizing you in front of and to guests. We just had a graduation party for my son. I found it very stressful but it all turned out great. My husband was helpful with his actions and his attitude. As far as who did what, I am not even sure — it was a joint venture. Seems like you did some very helpful things. Not your fault the riding mower quit. In true Monday morning quarterback fashion, maybe you could have mowed sooner, but still didn’t justify her disrespect and unkindness.
If this is an ongoing communication style your wife uses it sends me a signal that she like my brother’s ex-wife is toxic. You could be Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way, and still fail in her eyes. She will always move the goal posts without informing you so you never know what is expected then whine like crazy because you fell short. If this is the case start protecting yourself, keep a journal, suggest counselling after you talk to her about expectations for communication. Don’t let her take control.
Tell her that you won’t help next time so she can see what not helping means.
I’m thinking maybe you should ghost her for a few days and see what she does. If she doesn’t do anything or gets mad you have a way bigger issue than you want to see. Tell her your sick of being taken advantage of and your not going to live the rest of your life trying to please someone who is unpleasable
Why was the grass so long it took 4 hours ? Is this one of your usual chores you let get out of hand until the last minute ?
ETA. Wait 4 hours for 4 days?? So it was so long it took 16 hours to mow??
If, according to her, “you don’t do anything”, don’t do anything. If you are getting the blame, play the game. Let her do all the work; then she can complain. You may want to consider a separation (temporary or permanent) to show her just how much you do.
Updateme
People aren’t reading the details. One even asked how old he is. It’s in the title. The regular mower was broken. He was the one cleaning up the kitchen after food and cake. He took care of the baby during the party. Etc.
Well, YTA for letting the grass get knee-high and acting like you’re a hero for finally getting it under control for the party.
You also get no bonus points for parenting your own children during the party.
So, you want lavish praise heaped on you for arranging the bounce house? And picking up food? Was this a catering order that you just picked up? Or did you at least create the shopping list yourself? (I doubt it)
Your marriage has issues dude.
Your wife isn’t your secretary or assistant. Reading the comments and lack of information on your part on her activities for the party or in general (does she have a fulltime job so) the fact that you were living elsewhere and why, the fact YOU had individual therapy but don’t mention any solo therapy for her even though you say she had PPD – you may not be the good husband you think. YTA – your kids birthday was not a random event and 16 hours mowing your garden is ridiculous and keeps you away from all other responsibilities. You need not to be listening to these people telling you your wife is miserable/narcissistic etc they will have you in divorce court if you aren’t headed there already. Garden – get a gardener or service, food can be delivered, so was the bouncy house hire and playing with the baby and going to your MUMS HOUSE dude. Your actual involvement was a booking a food delivery and wasting time gardening for a week. Then failing to clean the kitchen properly and you’re laughing about it here. I don’t think you came here to find anything other than people who agreed with you