My (25F) boyfriend (26M) has been unemployed for almost 8 months. He lost his job due to company cuts, and he’s been spiraling since, staying up late gaming, sleeping in, and missing interviews.
He asked me to help. So I’ve been doing everything, sending him job leads, updating his résumé, prepping him for interviews, even waking him up for them because he “doesn’t hear his alarm.”
This past week, he had an interview with a company he’s been hyped about for months. The night before, I reminded him, printed out his prep notes, and even set alarms on HIS phone.
Next morning? I woke up before him for my own job (which pays our bills right now), and just… didn’t wake him up. I couldn’t do it. I was so drained, and I told myself: If this matters to him, he’ll get up.
He didn’t. Slept through it.
When he woke up and realized he missed it, he lost it. Said I “sabotaged his future” and that I should’ve woken him up even if he asked me not to “nag” the night before.
I feel guilty. But also… not? I’ve been carrying us for nearly a year. AITAH?
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ESH, but didn’t you also fuck yourself over? Like sure, you’ve taught him a lesson, and now all you’ll get is resentment and he still won’t pay for anything because he won’t have a job. So what did you really accomplish with this?
Yeah, of course you were an asshole, and you were an asshole on purpose. Now, I get you had your motives, and that it wasn’t your responsibility to wake him up, not by a long shot. But one thing doesn’t take away the other. YTA.
Kind of the AH. Just dump him
NTA. You did everything you reasonably could, sending him leads, prepping his résumé, printing notes, setting alarms on his phone and he explicitly asked you not to “nag.” At some point he needed to take ownership of his own alarms, especially for his dream interview. You’re not his personal wake‑up service, and he needs to learn to manage basic responsibilities himself.
Jesus no. And send him back to his mommy, because you ain’t it.
I personally know how difficult it is to lose your job and what it can do to you but you still have to pull up your big person panties and take care of your responsibilities.
He might even need therapy but again, you ain’t it and until he does the personal work, he should not be in a relationship.
You didn’t sabotage his future you just stopped babysitting it. At some point, grown adults have to show up for themselves. You were his partner, not his personal assistant with a snooze button.
Absolutely NTA. I’m 26 as well. Is it nice when my gf wakes me up for things? Sure, I appreciate it. Is it her responsibility, especially when there’s a job interview? Absolutely not.
8 months is also an insane amount of time to not work and potential jobs are NOT going to like that gap. Sorry, but you need to give him a serious wakeup call, or it’s only going to get worse. My sister got out of a situation JUST like yours. She’s had to drop out of school, is $6K in debt, and has an eviction on her record now.
You’re 100% the asshole. Actually, 200%.
NTA? Yes, you’re correct if it was important to him he would have gotten up for the interview. Why is it YOUR job, YOUR responsibility, and YOUR problem to wake this man up for something he should already be getting up to do if he NEEDS a job, why is he so halfassed about the shit, if you’re helping him he should be more than willing to do the extra steps to get the job! It sounds like you’ve helped him a lot and he’s just pushing all the responsibilities and hard work onto you and waits for your input beforehand.
Sounds like to me OP you need to have a conversation about this to your partner because if it’s getting to the point where it’s draining you and you feel like you’re putting in all the effort to get this man a job then it’s time to set boundaries by effectively communicating.
You need to break up with this man child.
NTA what would he have done if he didn’t have you being his personal alarm clock? He would have had to wake up to his alarms like any other grown man. He should have gone to bed at a reasonable time if this interview was so important to him
YTA. You had the power to easily help someone get out of a spiral (your word) and chose not to.
Do you have a boyfriend, or a child?
You dont have a BF. You have a dependant child in your living space.
Are you ready for motherhood?
ESH leaning slightly towards YTA. He is a problem. He needs to learn to manage his own life. Having said that, I’m trying to decide if you secretly hate your boyfriend or just enjoy lording over him that you are the one carrying the load… because I can think of no reason why you’d choose to deliberately screw yourself over as well as him without one of these two explanations.
Yes the arsehole, and you know it too otherwise you wouldn’t have asked. I know he’s not in a good place right now but he needs rid of you.
I get why you did it but… Now you’re stuck with a jobless loser even longer. Couldn’t you have “not wake” him some other time? You sort of just shot yourself in the knee right there.
Total AH
If you had been doing it and told him you weren’t anymore then I’d say NTA.
But you stated he relied on you and then you just didn’t with no warning. Kind of AH. You chose to not communicate with your partner. You should be on the same team so hid job affects you as well.
u/lower-moment2824: you’re not familiar with how depression works, are you?
Yeah, YTA. Leave your boyfriend so he can find a decent person to be with.
NTA. I wouldn’t say you sabotaged his future as much as you took a hard look at what yours with him would look like and realized he just isn’t worth it. You can’t care about someone else’s life more than they do. That’s being a parent, not a partner.
ESH. This relationship is over. I get why you did it but you’ve also kicked yourself in the foot. Move out, keep working and you’ll only have yourself to pay for.
YTA, it’s really not that hard to wake your boyfriend up. It would’ve been a win win if he got his dream job, you wouldn’t have to carry as much anymore.
ESH he should take more responsibility but you could have done with him financially contributing.
YTA the potential job would have been great for both of you surely, hopefully he finds something else soon though and you can both feel better about things. Have to talk about stuff don’t you? It’s what I usually think when I read aitah – couples / friends / family / work colleagues whatever being open is almost always the most important thing.
Break up. He’s infantilized himself. You want to sleep with a toddler?
NTA
YTA. You’ve been doing it all along and THIS is the day you stop? Poor timing and screwed yourself.
I saw this exact same story except the sleeper was the sister. Pure BS
YTA for multiple reasons. First you enabled this behavior. You consistently enabled him to be lazy about his own future. Then suddenly you’re tired of it and decide to stop on the one thing he really wanted. Yes, he should be an adult and take care of his own stuff but you agreed to help and have been doing so. To suddenly teach him this lesson like this was a complete asshole move. Also have you encouraged him to seek help? He sounds depressed as well.
Nah sorry, you weren’t wrong in the slightest. You aren’t his mother, he is a big boy and can get up to alarms or do what he has to to make sure he is awake for a job interview. Is he a child? The people in the comments calling you the arsehole clearly enable the people in their lives. He knew the interview was important and if he was that excited for it he would have made damn sure he was awake.
Just dump him.
He’s “useless”, you’re an asshole.
Why are you acting like his mother?
who needs enemies when you have your life partner sabotaging you?
No matter how justified you might be. That’s some diabolical shit that just screws over your own household income.
Say he got the job, would you also be waking him up for work every day? Were you supposed to go to work with him and do it all for him there, too?
Sounds less like he asked you for help, and more like he expected you to carry him without even meeting you halfway.
Dropping all responsibilities into your lap and asking you not to “nag” while he does nothing is not it, I think you need to break up.
NTA, but unless you dump him, it seems like you shot yourself in the foot with that move.
You can’t make him want it. He’s got to take responsibility for himself.
I’m a notoriously hard sleeper. When I was in my early 20s, I had a girlfriend who would call me every morning to make sure I had not overslept. I leaned on her like a crutch.
At some point, I took responsibility for myself. I sold my gaming system so it wasn’t a temptation to stay up late. I deleted social media, so I wasn’t distracted from doing the things in life I needed to as an adult.
Even to this day (now in my late 30s), on big work days, sometimes I’ll have 3 different alarms set. If I’m really concerned about oversleeping I might even prop myself up on the couch or chair so I’m not as comfortable all night and it’s easier to wake up. But I had to make the choice to be responsible for myself and realize that other people can help me, but no one else can be responsible for what I do and the choices I make.
But if he’s not finding his own jobs to apply to, preparing for them on his own and actually going to the interviews, that’s on him. He’s got to either deal with whatever underlying issue that is making him numb out and revert to acting like a teenager who needs a mother to function in society. Or he just needs to look himself in the mirror and realize it’s time to be a grown up.
(I also ended up marrying that girlfriend and we’ve been together almost 15 years.)
YTA to yourself, now he’s still unemployed and you still have to carry all the weight. You screwed yourself
Tell him join, should’ve could’ve been company they are always hiring
What a spiteful person you are, can’t handle being with someone who YOU CHOOSE to be with, so you fk him over, he had a chance to help with the bills, potentially bring in more money, sounds like your insecurities don’t want him to excel, don’t want him to level up, very selfish, very ass hole, very spiteful of you
Just break up man. This is just gonna lead to more resentment and fights. Leave him. You’re not his mommy, he’s a grown ass man that can take care of himself. And if he’s truly that incompetent, he’s got all the time in the world to learn how. Don’t hold his hand for this. Pack your bags and live your life outside of caretaking a 26 year old man.
Yes, YTA! And big time that.
Yes, he could have set his own clock.
But honestly: WHO does that? He sabotaged his own future and you deliberately helped him.
You could as well have started your ” be your own alarmclock campaign” on a less important date!
Also: congrats for screwing yourself over. You earned the prize of biggest financially auto sabotaging gf of the month.
yta
Sometimes we have to be an AH in life. Just dump him already or you’re looking at what the rest of your life will be like.
Unfortunately when youre spiraling it just seems like nothing actually matters, youre too tired to wake up for your dream job interview. You weren’t the asshole cause youre in no obligation to essentially do his entire job for him, in the end its up to him, and you did a lot just for him yo get this opportunity, but perhaps he did need the push.
Is that hard to put the shoe on the other foot?
What if there was a super important event that you dreamed about happening next morning and you overslept.
Do you want your boyfriend to wake you up or less you miss it?
YTA. Seems to me like u wanna be the one To continuously say u pay the bills. U know its his dream job & purposely let him over sleep
Completely the wrong time to put your foot down. You could have done this before or after his job interview.
Although i completely understand your frustration and he does need to grow up but your timing stinks.
Yes, great day to suddenly stop enabling him.
Amazing how many put it back on her for not waking him up. The job is clearly not a priority for him. What happened to personal accountability? Get your butt out of bed and get to your job interview, period. Is she his mom?
NTA because he told you not to nag him. Truly NTA if you take this as a sign to end things with him. He sounds like he has zero appreciation for your efforts and he seems exhausting. If this was you testing him to see if he cared at all (I mean I’m normally not a fan of testing people) but I think here it’s fair play. You’ve done all you can but he’s not helping himself.
YTA. He seems pretty worthless, but you can’t stop helping at a critical time with no warning.
It sounds like your boyfriend sucks generally, but in this particular instance, YTA. What you did was incredibly petty, and you’ve cut your nose off to spite your face.
YTAH. You’re also a world class b****
Yes. Next.
WTF couldn’t wait one more day and let him get the job.? 2 wrongs here and yes you were the AH like him
NTA – he’s sabotaging his own future every day he doesn’t take the initiative to gain control of his own life.
To have your partner pay all the bills, write your resume, even print out your prep notes for the interview for you the night before and then expect them to be your alarm clock? It’s too damn much.
It’s much easier for him to blame you than to face himself. If you’re taking on the responsibility of his life then you can bear the brunt of fucking it up (in his eyes). It seems like he’s been dealing with issues of self esteem after losing his job and instead of confronting it, he’s relinquished responsibility of his own life to you so it feels more bearable.
Either way, this must be the breaking point for both of you. Something has to give. The current dynamic is clearly not sustainable for the long term and it doesn’t seem to be just about the job – he’s now expecting you to do these things for him. Cuz if you weren’t there, he would’ve woken up for that interview for sure.
YTAH- I’ve read this exact same story sooooo many times
NTA, hands down. I mean, srsly? You’re his GF, not his mom. Dude’s gotta step up and handle his own business. Not cool of him blaming you for his own stuff-up. His future, his responsibility. Yeesh. 🙄💯
Nope
Really shot yourself in the foot here.