Me (23 F) and my boyfriend (24 M) have lived together for two years. I usually am not big on people coming over, for numerous reasons, but my boyfriend prefers people to come over rather than going out or going at their place, so I try not make it a big deal most of the time.
Now he tells me that a convicted felon is going to come to our place so that my bf can help him with his laptop. And I asked “Here?!” to which he said “Yes! There’s nowhere else we could go.” and I pointed out that he’s a felon and he didn’t acknowledge that very much. I stopped talking to him and he asked me if it was about that, but I didn’t say anything since I felt like I was going to combust if I open my mouth and he just walked away.
Am I overreacting?! How do I tell him I don’t fucking want this old criminal coming into our place?! I don’t think he realises how uncomfortable this makes me feel! I don’t care that he won’t do anything! I don’t want him to step a foot near our apartment! I can take friends and family, but this…. This is too much for me…
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NTA if someone is making you uncomfortable it’s valid to not want them over, also I think it’s ok to suggest to him that they meet in a public place instead of your home.
Gosh no. A good mate is hanging with a girl that I’ve heard takes ice so I pulled him aside and let him know she’s not someone he can bring over. He gets it, it’s not just my home, it’s our family home.
Depends what he was convicted for i guess. Without that added information we cant tell who the AH is really
NTA
NTA. Bringing friends is fine, but there’s a limit to this. Don’t allow him to bring any more of his friends until you make some rules.
This sounds like a great Starbucks meetup.
NTA at all. Ur not wrong for having boundaries abt who comes into ur home. Esp if ur not comfy w it. Felon or not, it’s ur space too and u have a right to feel safe.
Ur bf kinda dismissed ur feelings tho thats the real red flag imo
You might be the asshole. Gonna need way more context before we can give you an accurate read on the situation
What was he convicted of? I think more context is needed here.
NTA – a home is a space that is meant to be safe from the world. Since you live together it is on him to get your blessing when bringing people into that space. Him saying there is nowhere else to go is also ridiculous. They can go to a library, coffee shop, etc. if the felon is banned from those places that kind of just proves the point that he definitely shouldn’t bring him into your home.
What’s the felony for?
NTA!! you guys have a major incompatibility in your lifestyles about guests. that’s one problem. then you guys have a major issue in him not understanding you as a person and your preferences! You’re saying something that makes a ton of sense, and he’s disregarding you like you don’t exist. Not a good relationship builder. Plus, why does he know and hang out with convicted felons? How does he know he won’t do anything? Most felons have poor impulse control, I’d guess…. He’s treating you like a criminal, not the other guy!! Obviously, it’s a problem relationship, and it sounds like it’s bound to get worse. you gotta pick somebody better, who listens to you and understands you, and has similar values if you want that. good luck!
The devil know is better then the devil unknown.
NTA all in all, as you shouldn’t have to tolerate people who make you uncomfortable in your home. What I do wonder is what was his crime? I mean I have no idea what crime is a felony and what is not as I’m not from USA, but you could be overreacting a bit if his conviction wasn’t from some kind of a violent crime. But nevertheless, you don’t need to be ok with him in your apartment, felon or not.
They can meet at the library.
So… there’s no Starbucks around??? NTA, he’s made you uncomfortable with it. You both need to take it out and explain to him how you’re feeling.
NTA for feeling uneasy about having someone with a criminal record in your home, especially when it makes you uncomfortable, it’s completely valid to set boundaries and prioritize your peace of mind, and there’s no shame in suggesting alternatives like meeting elsewhere, your space should feel safe and comfortable for both of you.
You should probably live somewhere with lots of gates and security if you’re this scared. You probably have no ideas how many convicted felons you come in contact with every day.
NTAH. I’m sure it’s not helping any that what he’s convicted of is not being disclosed. I would be uncomfortable as well.
I mean, you got one running the country; he’s in your house, your bank and your healthcare every day. What’s one more?
Couldn’t they meet at the library? There’s free internet access there.
Not over reacting. No where else they can go? Does the felon not have a home?
Yes, URTAH. If you don’t like people coming over, then that really sucks. But I think you’re being unfairly judgmental about the convicted felon thing. IDK why your BF felt it was important to even tell you that he had a record, honestly.
Some of the kindest, most trustworthy people I know have been to prison. Our mistakes don’t define us. What we do about those mistakes does.
Why can’t they meet in Starbucks or the felon’s apartment?
Kinda YTA
Outside of him being convicted years ago for theft you don’t know much about him; not to mention your BF will.be with him during his visit
He has personally done nothing against you and if he is out he served his time and shouldn’t be a leper.
If you’re that concerned move your valuables temporarily
Three observations:
What’s his felony? If its not violent. I dont see why you care
Given the number of people who have been convicted of a felony in the US, to immediately look down on someone or treat someone differently just because of a felony conviction and no other details does make a person an asshole. If the details of that conviction show that person is possibly dangerous, then no, you wouldn’t be an asshole, you’d be prudent. But remember, there are murderers who have never been convicted walking the streets and people rotting in prison for trying to feed starving families.
Now he will know where you live and what stuff you have to steal
He can “get help with his computer” at the library. At very least, have a couple of other friends over at the same time — social anxiety be damned here— and I’ll be it’ll be a real short visit.
I don’t know I think you’re probably over exaggerating. You just don’t seem to like to have anyone over and your partner does. No one’s hiding anything from you about this person’s past. Your partner knows what type of person is coming over maybe you just need to be alone
NTA. From the sounds of it what you’ve said in other comments, there is definitely good reason to suspect this person may be a risk or potential hazard to your household, so I don’t blame you for not wanting him there. It also sounds like this is not necessarily a friend of your boyfriend’s, rather an acquaintance? The list of reasons why you should allow this is almost non-existent.
Furthermore, you live together. It is not just your boyfriend’s house, it is yours as well. It’s your home and you have a right to feel safe there. If this person being there makes you feel unsafe, then it’s unacceptable. No discussion, no negotiation, no if’s and’s or butt’s, it should not be happening. It’s literally your home, you’re not obligated to allow anybody over, and for anybody to visit that household it needs to be okay with everybody living in that household. You’ve already been lenient enough allowing people to visit despite it being a nuisance, you have every right to put your foot down and say no if the person in question is a security risk.
I would also be upset if someone invited the president to my place.
I guess if it wasn’t for anything violent, and he stays in common areas (like kitchen/living room) then I wouldn’t stress too much but your bf should’ve cleared it with you before bringing anyone over or making plans to have anyone over. It’s just kind of a courtesy thing
How recent? My lawn care guy got a felony 30 years ago. But tbh, he works outside my house and not inside, soooo
You and your boyfriend are obviously incompatible. NAH.
NTA but yall really need to get on the same page on the bigger issue of having people over (unless it isn’t as big a deal as the post makes it seem.)
cant they just go into a starbucks or something?
It’s your place, tell your boyfriend if he (ex con) comes you’ll call the cops for trespassing, you have the right to control who comes into your home, wants help with laptop/computer go to library or his place, the fact that boyfriend completely disregarding your thoughts and feelings is red flag central
YTA in some places people can get a felony for a SINGLE weed plant, or even just placing a bet for another person. You making it seem like he’s automatically a dangerous violent offender. Find out what the felony was before making an ass out of yourself.
since it is your home, your sensibilities should come in to play. He can tell him my gf isn’t comfortable with having a stranger in her home. so we’ll meet somewhere else. and that should be the end of it.
On your side, you can always opt to find out a bit more about the situation. But that’s just an option. I think your boyfriend should defer to you, in that it is your home as well. Also, a circumstance like this allows you both to learn more about each other’s priorities, and sensitivities, and how things will play out between you in the future.
What’s the felony? Dui or murder? There’s a big difference. If he had three dui on his 18 th year and the third was a felony ten years sober would he never be welcome in your presence? How do know your favorite gas station attendant doesn’t have a felony? Why do you feel so confident in judging someone your boyfriend is friends with? Have you ever met this person? Sounds like you dont want company and found a excuse. Maybe you and your boyfriend should re evaluate cohabiting with such fundamental differences
NTA I think your bf is being unreasonable. My sister is a convicted felon and she’s watched like a hawk when she comes to my house because she has stole from me. I would want the whole story. Give him a few bucks and let him meet at Starbucks.
NTA. This is what Starbucks is good for.
Your home is where you should feel the safest. If you say you don’t want anyone coming to your house, for any reason, your boyfriend should work to understand, accept, and respect that. However, you do need to actually say that very clearly and specifically to him. Just tell him directly: he can’t come here, I am upset, and I don’t feel safe in my own home. I am not comfortable with this. You need to figure out a different solution.
If he oversteps your boundaries on this, then he clearly disregards your feelings and doesn’t respect you as a partner. There are lots of other solutions for meeting up that don’t have to include your home. It doesn’t matter what other nice qualities he has, if the two of you can’t communicate effectively and respect each others’ boundaries, then you have some serious issues to work through.
The first step, though, is to communicate to him clearly how you feel, becuase being emotional and giving him the silent treatment is you dropping the ball. He is not a mind reader and clearly sees things through a different lens, so you need to clearly share how you feel. … not just expect him to get the hint or know. Tell him very directly. Hopefully, your BF will work to understand and respect that.
NTA—just both sides need to work on communication and boundaries.
I mean what was he convicted for? Is he still involved in what he was doing that got him arrested? Have you actually met him to judge his character for yourself?
I don’t know if you’re being an asshole or if you’re responding appropriately. It depends on who this person actually is. I don’t think you’re being an asshole for being cautious.
NTA, your instinct is completely valid and understandable, feel free to assert your boundaries.
You’re going to get personal opinions here but I think you should find out what the felony that was committed was. Remember, Trump is it convicted felon too. Would you let president Trump into your house? Well some felonies are absolutely unacceptable to bring around your family or home – the majority of them maybe even 99%, let’s face it. But try, if possible, to figure out what the person’s problem was before you completely judge their character. I understand and agree with your bias leaning against the felonious individual – but maybe try to have a little bit of compassion until you know what his situation fully encompassed, if at all possible. The mere fact that you know up front he’s a felon, you’ve already got a leg up on the situation. All up to you – this is just my .02 cents worth.
NTA- Have a conversation with him, say I dont like people over here for the most part but I do it cause I know you are a people person and it makes you happy. But I am drawing the line here, I do not want a criminal over here that I dont know
Is this guy a friend? If he is not familiar with this guy, he shouldn’t be coming over anyway. But, you also mentioned robberies and theft “as far as you know.” Doesn’t really sound like you know for sure. But, if someone makes you uncomfortable. You also mention he’s an old criminal. Were these felony acts performed like 20 years ago? If so, then you may be overreacting a bit. Your bf should def figure out another place to meet up though, that’s for sure.
NTA. They can absolutely. Work on the laptop somewhere else like a coffee shop or a library. He’s already been in jail for robberies. And yet your boyfriend thinks it’s a good idea to let this guy come case your apartment. Your boyfriend is not very smart.
What’s point of make people do prison sentences, which is supposed to be the punishment for the crime, if everyone constantly throws it back in their faces?
In the comments you say he was in for robberies and theft AND is going to prison again. NTA I’d still be on your side if it was only the first part that was the problem but combined? No. Tell him the felon coming over is a hard no, if he keeps insisting then tell him it’s either him or you.
YTA.
The person is not a monster. He committed a crime and went to jail for it. Do you think he should be punished forever? That he doesn’t ever deserve to be around people again?
>Yes! There’s nowhere else we could go.
Does your area have a public library? They could meet up there. I personally wouldn’t want an unreformed thief and robber casing my house. Your boyfriend needs better associates. NTA.
Ur bf said there’s nowhere else to go? Unless you live in a very isolated place, there are coffee shops, malls, parks, many places to meet
I don’t think you’re overreacting but I also didn’t think Americans would elect a felon, so what do I know
How about the library?
Before I scrolled, I thought, “Unless it’s like… theft, who cares?” But it is in fact theft, so NTA. Questioning your BF’s judgement now.
NTA. I understand everyone’s point about reform and asking what his charges were. But it’s her home, and it would make her uncomfortable in her own home. Thats really the end of the discussion right there. BF sounds like a bit of a dummy for pushing the issue at all imo. My wife would kick my ass if I just disregarded how she felt about who’s in her house