My wife has struggled forever with her weight, and hit a point where she just gave up trying to do anything about it. Her health is in shambles (her blood work is awful, she’s prediabetic with high blood pressure and has liver issues) and I’m frustrated with it. She says she wants to lose weight and I do what I can to support her, I cook healthy food, try and gently keep her on track, but I don’t want to enable her either. For the record, her weight doesn’t make me any less attracted to her, I love her. I don’t tell her she needs to lose weight or anything of the sort. I don’t even bring it up unless she does.
This is what brings my dilemma: we’re flying to Virginia in May for a graduation for HER nephew. We have everything booked but the flight, as my wife refuses to purchase a second seat on the plane. When we looked at flights initially a year ago, I did gently bring up that we may end up needing to purchase a second seat, and I asked her how she wanted to handle it. I mentioned it to try and avoid her being humiliated on the airplane, and trying to be proactive about it. She flat out stated she will not buy a second ticket, and if they try and force her to she just won’t go.
I am upset because I feel like this puts a lot of time and money on the line, and that I’d rather buy the seat and have it refunded later (we would buy a refundable ticket for the second seat), but she is flat out refusing. My friends are telling me that I should just buy the seat for her so it doesn’t mess up my trip. However, I won’t be going either if she doesn’t as it’s her nephew. I’ve never met this person, it feels weird to just show up to his graduation alone. Lastly, it feels like I’m enabling her in some way; she’s known about this for over a year, and hasn’t done anything to better her health, just talked about it. I feel like the only way we can go and enjoy the trip is if I just buy the seats.
So, AITAH for not wanting to buy a second seat for her, as I feel like I am enabling her, or do I just bite the bullet in support of my wife?
ETA: She is 5’9 and is 470lbs.
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At 470 lbs, i think you are allowed to say it effects your attraction to her. You don’t need to preface it with that.
NTA – The AH is your wife for not doing this. Whether you do it or not is your choice. But she needs to be realistic and own the fact that she may need a second seat.
Edit – okay yeah, at that weight she needs a second seat. She is being extremely unrealistic.
Is it too far to drive?
Didn’t I just watch this? It sounds like a scene from “Why Did I Get Married?”
Except you know that this will likely happen. And you want to prevent your wife from being booted from the plane.
Here’s some advice to prevent a scene (either by your wife or the airline):
Check out the airline’s policies. There is not a universal weight restriction, but some airlines have specific terms outlined. For some airlines, so long as you can use the seatbelt-extender, you’re good.
Other airlines require that you be able to put the arm-rests down while you are seated. If you can’t fit in the seat with both armrests down, then you need a second seat.
Take a look at your local airline policies, and see what you can do. It might be that you don’t have to have an argument about this.
NTA
NTA, she needs to make up her mind on whether or not she truly wants to go and take the steps necessary to travel there. It sounds like she truly does not wish to travel on a plane, which is fine, but she needs to be honest about it and make alternative arrangements for travel or tell her nephew’s family she won’t be making it. Do not buy any tickets until you know, since she is threatening to back out. “I cannot in good faith purchase plane tickets that may never be used since you have not made the decision to travel safely and comfortably. If you back out, we will be out $X.XX, so you need to decide immediately if you are willing to purchase a second seat now or we will not be going.”
I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to get a second seat in advance. Have a whole row of 3 by yourselves. Wouldn’t it save her a lot of hassle / embarrassment? Is it a money issue, or is she in denial that she needs it? No shade at all but being shoved up next to an almost 500lb person on an already tight airline seat would be awful, for her and for whatever stranger gets seated next to her.
I don’t know, if it were me, I’d go ahead and buy that extra seat and deal with the repercussions. I’m not spending money on flights / hotels / rental cars / time off of work just for her to realize upon arrival that she can’t fit into the seat.
Although- maybe having to explain to her nephew and family why y’all couldn’t make it to VA last minute would snap her into “oh I need to do something about this because now it’s preventing me from seeing my family”
I’d be so happy if my husband offered to buy me a second seat without making a fuss about the money…
Have you asked her why she is so dead set against it?
It is SO much more pleasant not having to worry about having a random stranger in the seat next to you being squeezed into their seat and them being annoyed at having theis space invaded.
JFC 470 pounds is criminally overweight……….
Buy the second seat of refuse to go.
She’s being childish and trying to avoid consequences for her actions, which is absolutely one of the reasons that she is morbidly obese.
nta. at this point, shes k****** herself
You’re NTA, she’s avoiding the issue. Is it possible to stick with the two seats and give her your seat if needed?
But at her current weight, I don’t see how she will comfortably fit. I weigh half her weight and it’s a tight fit.
Once, I was on a four hour plane ride, and the woman next to me was so heavy! I pushed that armrest down, and kept my arm on it hard the whole plane ride. She had to sit sideways she was so fat. NTA
NTA
FAFO. She wants to play a stupid game – she will win a stupid prize. If she’s too fat to fly, she has already stated she just won’t go. She’s propping up her own lack of self respect to do something about her health with the outrage and indignity of refusing the possibility of needing 2 seats to fly.
I think a lot of airlines encouraged you to purchase a second seat, but they overbook and use the second seat for someone else, anyway. I am 215# at 5’6″ and I would not opt to sit next to her because we would both be so uncomfortable. Even at my weight, in the middle seat, I keep myself tucked in the entire flight (it’s painful and exhausting and for the judgy fckrs out there, I am actively reducing my weight and improving my fitness). So, you are not the AH, she is, but all the gentle prodding, etc, will do nothing for her. Maybe this will be her wakeup call to better her health?
Good luck to you. I love that, unlike some, see HER and not just the body she is in!
NTA, buy the second seat. Especially to save the poor soul who would be forced to sit next to her from having her take over a large portion of their seat as well.
Not the cheapest option, but if you buy a first class ticket, the seats are considerably bigger.
On the plus side. She’s leaving the house. My spouse is over 500 and leaves the house only for appointments maybe 5-6 times a year. No way she’s getting on a plane or travelling more than 20 min away from the house. NTA
Yeah, this is not on. This is hard, it’s humiliating, it’s stressful, she’s depressed, and she doesn’t want to face the situation that she’s in. I get all of that so much. But ignoring the problem won’t make it go away, and she’s making it everyone else’s problem. You take up the room you take up, and on a plane, you have to pay for that room. It’s not okay to make this the problem of the fellow passengers and the flight staff.
If she can’t fit, she can’t fly, and oof.
She’s not thinking clearly. This is going to be so much worse for her mental health to have this scene play out on the plane. Would there be room if you pulled up the armrest between you? I don’t like that solution either, but it’s sometimes what you can afford, if the seat partner has the space to share.
My juicy bum is not compatible with coach, either. My husband and I travel a lot, and either we fly first, or we buy a row on a budget airline. The bottom line (pun intended) is that you can’t take up space other people paid for. It doesn’t matter how or why they decided to make airplane seats torture devices for those of us with wide hips, it simply is what it is. My concern is that if she’s not going to fit in that seat with the arm up between you, she’s going to have a total mental breakdown about it on the plane, and that’s WAY more traumatic and will cause more shame than paying for the room you need in the first place.
Uh, why not just buy refundable seats for the two of you instead of 1 refundable and 2 non refundable? Seems like you are anticipating canceling the trip due to her boarding denial.
Here’s the thing I am a fluffy gal and I have health issues that have limited my ability to exercise. They also prevent me from taking advantage of weight loss drugs. I have gut, liver, and kidney issues because my immune system is basically trying to kill me. These issues also make diets like high protein and keto dangerous. So I am doing it old school. I’m 5’7” and 200 lbs and last flight was tight but I was sitting next to my husband. Our thighs were touching.
That being said, I would be beyond pissed if I ended up having to sit in the row with you and your wife. It’s absolutely rude to the other passengers. I mean she’s going to be spilling over to the other seat and if you’re sitting there it’s pushing you into the person next to you. Worse if she’s taking over half or more of someone else’s seat. The airline is going to take one look at her and she’s going to have to have a second seat. Even on larger planes there are weight balance concerns (my brother is a commercial pilot). There is no way she’s going to be able to get in that plane and sit in one seat.
You’ve tried being gentle, but you need to be blunt. Tell her either you all are buying a second seat or the trip is canceled – her choice.
You sound like a loving and considerate husband. It’s far more humiliating and cruel, in my opinion, to subject the person sitting next to her to the discomfort of sitting next to an obese person. I don’t know all the rules, but isn’t it possible that she could be forced to buy two seats? Oh, that’s right you did say that if this happens, she won’t go. Well I wouldn’t like either of these choices. I wouldn’t want to go to the trouble of having to go back home, and I wouldn’t want to feel crowded and to see someone else crammed into their seat. She’s not showing common sense or consideration. I wouldn’t even want to fly to see a graduation of a person that I don’t really know well or at all. She is not facing the facts of her size.
You’re NTA
Are you encouraging her to lift weights or exercising yourself? Lifting is a pretty easy way to start losing weight and doing it with your partner is the easiest way to stay on track. If you start exercising together, it’ll make you both healthier and she’ll lose weight easier. Compliment her when she does things that better her health; “I’m so happy you’re working out with me,” “you look so pretty doing that,” etc. Your encouragement would mean a lot and help her a lot.
She absolutely must have a second seat. There is no way anyone would be able to sit in the seat beside her.
Updateme!
this is really confusing as at one point you want to buy the extra seat but your wife is refusing but then you claim you don’t want to buy the seat. If this is a true story, at 470 pounds and 5’9″ there is no way she’ll be able to travel in one seat so make sure both of your seats are fully refundable. If you are able to convince her to purchase a second seat make SURE to get boarding passes for BOTH seats. A friend had her second seat given away when she failed to get the second boarding pass and the GA assumed the passenger was a no show and reassigned the seat.
My wife went through a phase, and she put on a lot of extra weight. She was about 150lbs less than your wife at her heaviest, and she couldn’t fit in a regular seat on an airplane, and even first class was a little snug. Your wife is setting herself up for embarrassment.
Side note: My wife went on a “fitness journey” and has been chosen as a model in a local (statewide) magazine highlighting her loss. So proud of her.
NTA-it isn’t just about her. There are other people on the plane and sitting next to someone who can’t fit in their own seat is very uncomfortable. For everyone’s sake including her own she should just buy the second seat.
Your wife is morbidly obese. She/ You need to call the airlines. She might not have a choice. She should also check with her doctor to find out if it’s safe for her to fly.
she needs a second seat- that is clear at 470lb. and this is more for the third person in your row and airline regulation.
Have you looked into upgrading her seat might cost the same as buying 2? and look up airline regulations, maybe if she sees it in their rules she will realize she is being stubborn.
NTA
She’s refusing because of embarrassment. She doesn’t want people walking by her and seeing an empty space beside her. And judging her even more harshly then they already would. waves I was in your wife’s exact shoes. I would refuse to go on trips with friends because I was ashamed that I would need to buy another seat, and know that I would need to ask for a seatbelt extender. Just the idea of it, horrified me. As an obese person, you live in this strange place within the world. People look at you and judge you, but you are also treated as though you’re invisible. That invisible part is just fine, as there’s no direct attention drawn to you. In a flight situation, that invisibility goes away. It’s the same for all public transportation, really. It’s hard not to have to acknowledge that you just being there, is an inconvenience for those around you because you take up more space.
It fucking sucks, and I completely empathize with her.
However, if she wants to make this trip, she has to be realistic. She either has to have another seat, or she would have to upgrade her seat to first or business class (bigger seats). You can offer those two options, and explain that you are happy to do it for her, and will be there with her so she won’t be alone.
I would also have a serious discussion with her about her health. Not her weight, but her health. You married her because you love her. You are with her because you love her. You want to remain with her for the rest of your lives, because you love her. You don’t want to lose her, and have to find a way to go on living without her, because you love her. Those are all of the things you should express, and help her to understand that she needs help, and it’s ok to need it. There are therapists who specialize in disordered eating/obesity. There are programs, doctors, and medications that can help her manage her blood sugar levels, her liver problems, and her high blood pressure. You’ll be with her to support her in whatever capacity she needs you. You can also promise to be her partner in this journey. You’ll be at her side with changing lifestyle habits, healthy eating, and exercise. It could lead to a much deeper level of partnership and intimacy in your relationship.
NTA
I fly alot. She needs two seats. If she cannot put the armrest down for her she needs two seats. She will be miserable and everybody next to her will be also. Get a first class ticket for her.
I have seen people half her weight struggle.
No matter what she does she’s not going to be able to lose the requisite amount of weight to avoid needing an extra seat in the available timeframe. If you want to stay in this relationship just order it and don’t make a big deal about it. Don’t make it a thing, because it’ll become an ongoing source of conflict and you don’t want that.
She needs to understand that if she doesn’t fit in the sit, with the arm rests down they are going to remove her from the plane unless there is someplace to move her. She may be able to get the extra seat for free depending on the airline.
At the end of the day she needs to take responsibility for her size and her health. She sounds like she doesn’t want to see grandchildren grow up
NTA
There isn’t a if….she needs 2…just refund your tickets now. Make it her problem.
NTA You are a kind and considerate husband so don’t let her refusal make you feel guilty for trying to do the right thing.
At her weight she is not going to fit in the seat, she will be very uncomfortable but even worse is how embarrassed she is going to feel when she spills over into the seat next to her which will no doubt lead to some tension with whoever unfortunately ends up sitting next to her.
I would not go behind her back to buy the extra seat because it will just cause drama at the airport when she finds out.
If the flight has first class try booking those seats which are normally more roomy and comfortable as an alternative to two coach seats.
Nta, but your wife is. She’s given up completely, treats you like the bad guy for doing nothing other than trying to be proactive and save her from the possible humiliation of it creating an issue when you board the plane. Aside from that, if she doesn’t care about how big she is and doesn’t want to do anything about it, that’s her shit. Why does she think it’s fair to possibly male someone else’s journey uncomfortable if she’s spilling over onto their seat. Honestly, I can only imagine she’s depressed and so is burying her head in the sand rather than face the problem. Otherwise she’d just be entitled and selfish. You say you don’t even know this nephew, so just don’t go. Let her deal with it herself.
NTA, she’s being a child about it.
NTA. But seriously, just cancel the trip now. Save your money. There’s no point.
No you’re NTAH.. at 470lbs she has to admit there is no way she is going to fit in an airplane seat. Those seats are a squeeze for anyone over 200lbs. First class maybe, but regular seats in planes these days are shrinking, and getting closer together.
As someone who also has a morbidly obese family member, they know they’re larger.. but it’s also something they don’t always want to address with themselves.
If she really wants to go, she should save herself the embarrassment of having the airlines tell her she needs the seat.
This goes far beyond a seat on a plane. She absolutely needs to do something about her weight or she will die. If she can’t diet and do exercise then she needs either weight loss surgery or Ozempic.
ETA: She is 5’9 and is 470lbs.
Jesus. Has she come on Ozempic or anything. That is super unhealthy.
You are absolutely NTA, but she needs to face some hard truths. She will absolutely not fit in the seat and there’s nothing more to discuss/debate. If she refuses to purchase the extra seat, this trip isn’t happening.
She will not fit into the seat an if she tries the journey will be so uncomfortable and painful for her, I have seen larger people flying who have to be carried off on a stretcher at the end of the flight due to them being in so much pain from cramp and swelling. If she doesn’t agree to the extra seat I would really suggest rethinking the trip it’s not worth putting her health at risk,
NTA you are being more than reasonable accommodating her. She has to do her part. All that she has to do in order to do her part is say “okay honey” to your plan to buy the extra seat.
The situation seems like a bunch of unnecessary stress.
Do any of the airlines you use have Airbus Planes. They have 21″ wide seats for long hauls even in economy.
Even if you were to go 1st class, the 1st class seats are only about 2″ wider.
The seats are designed by men, for men, who have no hips. Even standard size women with 36″ hips have issues.
Seat GuRU gives you all the measurements, by Airline and plane type.
https://www.seatguru.com/charts/generalcharts.php
Good Luck!!
PS – You could just buy the middle seat and not tell her. But make sure that the middle arm rests flip up … also ask for a belt extender as you board the plane so the people sitting near you don’t need to know your business!!
Assuming you can afford it, I think buy the extra seat, don’t mention it to her now or then, unless she asks. Treat it as a purely logistical decision–it just needs to be done to avoid derailing the travel plans, so you’re taking care of it and not making a big deal about it.
NTA
I’m sorry but take the trip money and offer her a choice: to do something to actually help her with the weight with the money, or divorce. I know you live her regardless but she won’t get help unless she wants help. She dosen’t want help and this Will hinder your life. Nta
If she’s embarrassed by the possibility of needing two seats talking with her SPOUSE, imagine the embarrassment when a stranger who works at the airline denies her from boarding because she won’t fit into one seat. Buy the extra seat for her and just don’t tell her about it. Or… skip the graduation LMAO I wouldn’t fly just to attend my niece or nephews graduation. Send the new grad a couple hundred bucks and call it a day. But if she’s bound and determined to attend, she will need two seats on the plane, end of story.
Why don’t you buy yourself a second seat and offer it to her in case she needs it?
Your wife is incredibly lucky to have you. She is TA, not you. Why not just decline the invite? There is no way anyone 470lbs fits in one seat.
How much for a “Business or First Class” ticket? This way she has one seat way more ample for her.
Buying 2 seats? $$$
Time to have the ozempic talk. Sounds like weight has caused true medical issues. This is exactly what it’s prescribed for!
Not the question you asked, but it sounds like your wife may have metabolic issues contributing to her weight. If this is the case, she could benefit from Zepbound. There is a subreddit you could look at. I wouldn’t push her, as a person needs to take ownership of their own health journey, but I can tell you from personal experience having metabolic issues that the medication is life changing.
In terms of the additional seat, I would be firm that you either get it proactively or decline the invite to the event.
Jesus! For her own comfort you would think she’d want 2 seats. I’m 5 foot even and weigh 115 and I’m not comfortable in those minuscule seats.
NTA. Let her be embarrassed on the plane. For that matter, why not skip it and let her ooze into your seat? There will be a fee for changing the name on the ticket ( if they even allow it at this point,) but I wouldn’t want to argue with her OR go to her nephew’s graduation. So win-win
Buy it so you’re comfortable
NTA. Your wife is being unrealistic. When my husband and I flew to Iceland in 2023, we bought the middle seat between us for 2 reasons. 1. Middle seats suck between 2 travel partners and 2. Both he and I are bigger people (him at 6’2″ and 350lbs and me at 5’4″ and 200lbs). She needs to realize that she’s wasting money by refusing to recognize she’s too large to fit into a standard seat on a plane.
They won’t let her fly if she doesn’t buy another seat. 470lbs is way too big to fit in one seat. She would literally not fit.
Your wife is slowly killing herself at that weight. There’s something going on psychologically to get that big unless she has some medical condition that causes weight gain.
I had weight loss surgery 10 years ago after years and years of doing everything I could to lose weight. I was nowhere near your wife’s size but I was not at all healthy. I lost 140lbs and it saved my life! I’ve kept it off for 10 years and my only regret was not doing it sooner. Your wife needs help or she’s going to do irreparable damage to her organs that weren’t made to support that much weight.
NTA. Is she in therapy? She honestly sounds like she needs it.
Some airlines won’t allow an “empty” even if you paid for it. I would check with the airline as it may be a moot point.
Tell her she has 3 choices at this point:
Buy a second seat.
Don’t go and waste the money and let down the nephew.
You stay home and she takes your seat as the extra and does the trip solo.
Most likely she is in complete pathological denial that she is overweight enough to need a second seat.
You “taking it easy” on her feelings regarding her weight only serves to enable her comfort in denial.
If you do not buy a second seat and she tries to fly, are you prepared for her reaction when the airline and other passengers force her to face reality?
There are drugs now that can help her tremendously. Just had to state the obvious. But yeah, she will def need a second seat. Maybe you can find some guidelines regarding size and weight limits for single seat accommodations from the airline or another trustworthy source and share those with her. Make the airlines the bad guys and you just the navigator. I mean if she ends up with just one seat and tries to board, with someone else expecting to sit beside her in their own seat – what a clusterfuck that will be. You know all this clearly, but dayum, she needs to step up and face the music.
The second seat will make her face HER reality on how obese she really is. Something she seems to be in denial of. NTA
NTA. Your wife is an overeater, which is an eating disorder that can be treated medically. I would want her in a food rehab program that understands food addiction. She doesn’t have to be thin but her weight is unsustainable health wise. There is a lot of obesity in my family and I know firsthand that if you don’t address the emotional causes even if she has bariatric surgery she’ll go right back to over eating. One of our family members had three stomach reductions and stretched out her stomach three times and died After the last one. In the meantime, buy an extra seat.
You have plenty of time to schedule a train ticket, which I would recommend here.
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
I understand she’s in denial, but she’s setting herself up for a public humiliation when she can’t fit in the seat. If I were you, I would do everything I could to spare her that, include not go on the trip at all, either one of you.
Dude your ETA adds needed context she is 5’9” 470 lbs, I am 6’5” 265 and if I’m in the middle seat both sides of me are leaning away from me. Bro it isn’t fat shaming she needs to lose weight and yes you’re enabling her. This isn’t healthy and you know it. I feel for you man because if this keeps on going you’re going to be a caretaker instead of a husband. NTA but really look at wanting to watch your wife continue to spiral out and shorten her life or take a hard step and help her get healthy not skinny but healthy.
Why do your friends know? Jeeze.
Just buy first class if you really want to go
Why don’t you just opt out right now and put the ball in her court? at 470 she’s totally going to need a second seat. She either wraps her head around that and books appropriate seating, or the trip ain’t happening. And unless and until she does that, and books you a companion ticket herself, I think you can just assume it’s not going ahead. I hope the other stuff you have booked is refundable.
Has she expressed any interest in trying GLP-1 meds like Ozempic, Wegovy, semaglutide, etc? It sounds like she would be a perfect candidate and this would be life changing (and life saving) medicine for her.
Can I ask what airline you are flying? Southwest has a “Person of size” policy that will either give her an extra seat (if available) or you can pay for it and they will refund you for it after the flight.
If I was you, I would buy the seat. You don’t have to talk about it. It seems impossible that she will NOT need it, and if you want to go (or if you know she wants to go), just buy the seat now. Avoids her being humiliated and making a scene, and not getting to go.
NTA but let her come to terms with it. You are an awesome husband! Don’t purchase an extra ticket if she doesn’t wan to. If she can’t board, just go by yourself. Not to the graduation; just go wherever you want to. Sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to wake up.
NTA. I’m about half that weight at 5’6 & I’ve struggled in plane seats
You are a great supportive spouse. Most airlines will deny boarding if an individual cannot fit into the assigned seat, buckle up (with seatbelt extender), armrests are down and the person is not spilling into the adjacent seats. If your wife is not facing reality then you might want to let it play out. Go to the airport as planned. She will be urged to buy an extra seat if available. Unfortunately this will be humiliating but at least it’s not coming from you. Sometimes an outside perspective works best. This way you are supporting her wishes but with an outcome that could have been avoided.
It’s wonderful that you love your wife for who she is and do your best to support her even when it’s not easy. Thank you for trying to do what you need to do to ensure that she has correct accommodations for the flight AND that other passengers won’t be inconvenienced by trying to deal with seating issues later instead of proactively. I hope for your sake and hers that she is able to become serious about taking better care of her health and get the conditions you mentioned better under control! It must be difficult to watch someone you love face declining health and not take it seriously enough to make changes.
NTA
As someone who was seated for a flight where someone so overweight could NOT fit into one seat, and flight attendant gets on intercom and states we cannot take off until someone gives up a seat with a vacant seat next to it…..this whole deal pisses me off. If she wants to be at that weight, fine, that is her right. To have it start impacting total strangers is NOT cool. That’s why public smoking was banned. Just bc YOU want to smoke, doesn’t give you the right to make me smoke, too, through second hand smoke.
> She is 5’9 and is 470lbs.
NTA. There’s no might here. She WILL need that second seat.
If it doesn’t seem important enough to her, I’d stop pushing it and plan on not going.
NTA. If she is refusing a second seat and will cancel the trip over this then let her. Or she can go alone. FAFO. She is ridiculous. Why should you have to shoulder this?
Book a row of 3, don’t tell her, scan the middle seat pass with your own.
If you choose not to buy a second seat for her, please make sure she has a window seat and you have the middle seat so the selfishness is imposed only on the two of you.
Sounds like yall aren’t going to that graduation, NTA please do not make another passenger forgo half of their seat because your wife doesn’t want to feel responsible for herself
Ok, so, I get it. I really do. Weight denial is a thing. I have been through it personally. Facing it is a sad and hopeless feeling. At my heaviest I was about half your wife’s weight. Flying coach was VERY uncomfortable. Lap belt extension out all the way and the buckle still digs into your hip and leaves bruises.
Someone took a picture of me one day at the beach. Nothing malicious, just a snap of me and my kids. Of course I KNEW I was overweight, just as your wife does. But being confronted with it (in my case, the awful beach snap, in her case, being told that she has to purchase a second seat)…..that shit hurts! As long as you are not shaming her, no, I don’t think you are the AH. I don’t necessarily think she is either. More likely it’s just something that she hasn’t had to deal with so directly before.
If you do care, sit her down, tell her how much you love her. Tell her that ignoring it is not going to make this situation better. Work out a plan for this trip, be it driving, not going, or purchasing an extra seat…..and then talk about, “after”. She might need to know that it’s not hopeless and that she has someone in her corner. Find a good doctor. Get labs done to rule out health problems. Discuss correct and healthy ways to get back to good health.
It FEELS hopeless, insurmountable even. It’s not. I took a plane ride about a year after that terrible beach picture. Not only did I NOT have to extend my lapbelt, but no hip bruises either. 🏖️👙
Good luck and all the best.
Don’t know where you live can you drive instead
Armrest to armrest, economy seats are 17-18” across.
Armrests are not magical force fields- she does not have the right to make the 3rd person in your row uncomfortable for 5 hours. Plus, you only get one extension seat belt, so that’s another issue.
Is buying 1st class a possibility? I don’t see her being comfortable in 1st either but at least you could get buzzed.
Cancel the flight and go by train
You’re going to need 3 seats in economy or main for the 2 of you. The math and physics are just that simple.
You’re married. It doesn’t matter WHO pays for the third seat, but hoping for a free seat is NOT a good plan. In the last two years, every flight I’ve been on has been either 100% full or had no more than 2 empty seats on the entire plane. You have better odds at the roulette table!
Option 2 – Would going first class work? 2 big seats vs 3 small ones, and a little bubbly as well? That way it feels like a treat instead of a punishment.
Cancel the trip. Book therapy. You both need help. Don’t waste your money or time on the drama that will be the trip. It’s only a symptom. Address the wound. NTA
NTA
Listen, I’ve been every size (it sometimes feels like!) and so I get her denial and shame spiral but chances are they won’t even let her board. It’s not even a question of infringing on someone’s seat; she will be taking up two seats, period.
Does Southwest fly to her destination? I think they still will assign you a second seat at the airport, if needed, no charge. Vs purchasing and getting a refund.
Tell her Reddit said to buy the seat. It’s for her comfort and for the comfort of other travelers. You two either need first class or three seats to travel comfortably. No shame in reserving the space you need!! I do understand the bummer of the extra cost – it’s not your fault the seat size is inhumane! Good luck and congrats to the nephew!
NTA sorry but having been where your wife is if she gets on this plane she will be taking half yiour seat.
do yourself a favour and cut out her crap and buy a second for yourself.
This may not help OP for the current situation, but I strongly recommend that OP and his wife seek professional counseling. There must be some deep seated reason why she is so overweight and refuses to remedy the situation. The reason I suggest OP go to counseling also is to support her, but not enable her as I’m certain she would not go by herself.
I keep seeing your response that if you buy her a second ticket, you are enabling her….but I don’t understand that logic. By purchasing the second ticket, you are in fact hitting her with the hard reality that she is SO big that she needs two seats to be allowed to fly. By NOT buying the second ticket, you are feeding into her delusion that she will fit magically into one seat, which is enabling her way more… AND you are setting her up for some very real embarrassing confrontations with whoever has to sit next to her, along with the airline staff that might deny her right to fly.
NTA
If she doesn’t want to be shamed, she needs that second seat
If she doesn’t have that second seat, she will absolutely ruin someone else’s flight and every last person on the plane will be judging her.
It sucks, but airplane seats are already too small, she needs to be aware that she is going to be calling attention to her weight if her choices inconvenience someone else.
ETA: as others have suggested, if you do not buy the third seat, you need to make sure your wife has the window seat and you have the middle seat. DO NOT make this someone else’s problem.
Just saw your edit— there is no way to avoid paying for extra space.
NTA she definitely needs the second seat.
This is not medical advice, but as someone who was prediabetic for a long time and finally unfortunately tipped into it, can she and her doctor look into GLP-1 medication? It would likely help her glucose levels, liver, and a host of other issues that are starting or progressing, and would help her lose weight.
In my own experience, it has transformed my bloodwork completely. I was dealing with metabolic syndrome issues where everything starts to go bad, and now everything is excellent.
NTA
does she really want to go?
if she won’t see the charge, just buy the seats and don’t tell her. And pass it off as a “lucky coincidence” that you have an unoccupied seat on each flight.
if she will see the charge, then you’ll have to tell her that she’s being unreasonable and you’ll buy the extra seat just in case. Otherwise, the trip is cancelled.
The seats are 17” wide. And let’s not forget fitting down the aisle! those are 18” wide.
Maybe you could bring her to a counselor and try to get her to face the reality of her size? she may have body dysmorphia. ugh, what a crummy situation.
If she’s refusing to get another seat, refuse to go. You’re definitely not the AH. You’re not required to buy two tickets, pack, get to the airport, go through security, and get on the plane only to find that she can’t fit in a single seat – which you’ve known all along. If that’s her choice, she needs to face those consequences. If we do for others what they can do for themselves, that’s enabling. Sometimes it’s hard to watch our loved ones sleep in the bed they’ve made.
If I had to sit next to your wife I would want a refund for my seat since your wife will be sitting in half of it
It is NOT just about her on the flight.
It is more embarrassing to be spilling over the seat and be squished into someone you don’t know who is likely judging you for not buying 2 seats
Airlines have free seatbelt extenders but they don’t expand the seat sideways, only the space in the belt forwards/upwards, if you will.
Your wife’s pelvis area will be uncomfortably squished in the seat, armrest(s) pinching her in, and whoever is seated beside her will have her body bulge pushing into their space.
To be blunt, no one is going to be happy.
Realistically, she needs a 2nd seat. I am on the bigger side at 175, and I feel cramped in those seats. I can’t imagine weighing 300 pounds more and trying to fit.
She doesn’t want to feel humiliated, but I think it would be a lot more humiliating to try to squeeze into a space that isn’t going to accommodate her size and making her seat neighbors uncomfortable too.
She’s not going to be able to fly she’s absolutely going to need a second seat and the extra seat belt extender there’s literally no way they would let her fly as she isn’t going to fit.
It seems like cancelling it is going to be more likely. That’s so much effort to go to , to then be turned away off the plane.
Save whatever money you were going to spend on hotel and airfare. Just send the nephew a card with some CA$H inside for a gift. You could even send some money to her relative to help pay for the party since you can’t make it out there.
NTA. However:
Book her two seats and check in online. Say you’ve booked a window and an aisle and are hoping noone books between you. When you print the boarding passes just subtly slip the second one in to your pocket and don’t tell her. Celebrate the fact you got lucky there’s no one in the middle seat.
Yes this is her fault. It’s completely her fault. You can even tell her after the trip what you did and explain you were concerned about her being embarrassed but didn’t want her to miss her nephews graduation. Then discuss weight loss options.
I wish you luck. This is a delicate situation and not one it sounds like she’s ready to have a conversation about. But you sound like a caring husband.
Best of luck man.
There is no way she won’t need a second seat. She needs to deal with the extra seat or she’ll have to deal with public humiliation. Or she can stay home, ignore the problem, and continue to slowly kill herself.
If I were you, I’d refuse to go unless she agrees to buy a 2nd seat. Be honest with her. She setting both of you up for an embarrassing scene.
Dude. You’re not leaving with one seat. Just buy the fucking thing. She needs professional help for her issues- you should consider it too.
If she won’t get a second seat for herself, tell her to go alone.
Buy the second seat. You use it if she won’t.
She will not be able to fly in one seat. Don’t buy it. Just let her take care of herself. I am so sorry
I think your wife is in denial, and probably a little embarrassed. We know from your edit that she’s severely overweight. She doesn’t want to be the person who needs two seats, but she IS the person who needs two seats. She would invade the space of the passenger next to her, which would be unfair to them. She needs to either face reality or not go on the trip.
NTA
I say this as a fat girl:
Nobody, I repeat NO BODY wants someone else’s sweaty fat rolls, armpits & thighs in their already compromised personal space. It’s invasive, & gross. A second seat is an act of courtesy to the other folks on the plane, & it’s more comfortable for your wife.
If she refuses a second seat, ok-cancel the trip. Because I promise they’ll make ya’ll buy a second seat when your wife doesn’t fit in the one. If flight is full, you’re off the plane. Isn’t it easier to buy a second seat…?
The facts are airplane seats are small, and she is not only risking missing your flight, but to make another person on the plane extremely uncomfortable while flying. Selfish when you weigh 500 lbs. clearly she needs either a wake up call or to just not go.
Can you afford 1st class seats?
Bruh. I’d want to shoot myself in the face if I had to sit next to someone who’s 470 pounds on a flight… that’s such selfish behavior. NTA.
NTA. Your wife sounds like an addict. Typical denial and a boatload of selfishness. 470 lbs?! That is not something anyone should be forced to squeeze in next to on the slight chance the airline wouldn’t insist two seats be bought. Cancel the trip.
See two doctors. Medical and mental.
OP aside from this trip, you should support her on getting on Zepbound or Ozempic. Obesity is a disease that kills people.
Bro, 470? She needs a wake-up call.
Bigger issue is you are facing a lifetime of dealing with her upcoming failing health and likely wheelchair pushing in the future. It sounds shitty but some people won’t change and you have to decide if you want to be pulled under also.
470 lbs…. at this point, she needs a medical intervention. That is life-threatening
My brother is 6’3″ and he weighs somewhere around 400 lbs. He honestly just stopped flying places and barely travels now. The last time we were on a plane together he weighed like 350 and didn’t buy an extra seat. I weigh 200 as a 5’5 female and I always am afraid I should be buying an extra seat. If I’m thinking about it at 200 pounds she should be buying the seat without a thought.
I was ~170 lbs less than that and buying 2nd seats because I felt bad about potentially even touching someone in their seat and making them uncomfortable! My gosh. If I were you and she is just shutting down the conversation, I’d just cancel the trip altogether.
This woman weighs almost a half ton. She will absolutely need a second seat. I think you’re going to have to force a very serious conversation with her. Like sure you don’t talk to someone about their weight when they’re just fat but this is a half fucking ton. You’ve got to be more direct.
There’s a LOT of shame when it comes to weight. It sucks.
Suck it up and go first class. Or just buy the second seat without further discussion.
But either way, talk to a doctor about a GLP-1. Insurance may cover it if she has enough weight-related issues. GLP-1 will change her life.
She’s your wife and an adult, not your child. I appreciate that you are supportive but don’t gentle parent her. If she said no, don’t buy the seat. Whatever consequences she has to face because of that will be her responsibility dude.