There’s a lot of back story but I’ll get right to the point.
I (23f) have been taking care of my MIL (64) who is terminal and has been on home hospice for 5 months. She has at my home. Prior to her terminal diagnosis I had been taking care of her for one year. MIL has 10 kids. Me and my husband (33m) are the only ones to care for her. Emphasis on ME.
It has not been easy for me or our marriage. I have to help bathe, cook, clean, give her medication , along with doing some procedures on her. On top of that I have a job, and a family to take care of. (husband and child)
Her 9 kids are very disrespectful to me and want me to quit my job to care for her 24/7. They provide not financial, or emotional support whatsoever. They are very selfish and want to take my MIL on a trip that her body cannot withstand. As her caretaker and her advocate o told them what the nurse and I talked about and that was how she would not withstand such trip.
They yelled at me and attacked me saying they have more of a say than I do since they are her kids. They said I shouldn’t mind my business and stay out of it. My husband defended me and told them that I have taken care of her for a year and a half when I had no obligation to do so. Because no one else would take care of her.
They went and told my MIL I wanted to keep them away from her and how I was being disrespectful towards them. It’s been 3 weeks since that and everyday since my MIL has treated me like shit. I told my husband my mental health could no longer take caring for her given her treatment towards me. My husband understood and even told me I his mom was in the wrong. Now his sibling are calling me an asshole. So am I?
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There’s a lot of back story but I’ll get right to the point.
I (23f) have been taking care of my MIL (64) who is terminal and has been on home hospice for 5 months. She has at my home. Prior to her terminal diagnosis I had been taking care of her for one year. MIL has 10 kids. Me and my husband (33m) are the only ones to care for her. Emphasis on ME.
It has not been easy for me or our marriage. I have to help bathe, cook, clean, give her medication , along with doing some procedures on her. On top of that I have a job, and a family to take care of. (husband and child)
Her 9 kids are very disrespectful to me and want me to quit my job to care for her 24/7. They provide not financial, or emotional support whatsoever. They are very selfish and want to take my MIL on a trip that her body cannot withstand. As her caretaker and her advocate o told them what the nurse and I talked about and that was how she would not withstand such trip.
They yelled at me and attacked me saying they have more of a say than I do since they are her kids. They said I shouldn’t mind my business and stay out of it. My husband defended me and told them that I have taken care of her for a year and a half when I had no obligation to do so. Because no one else would take care of her.
They went and told my MIL I wanted to keep them away from her and how I was being disrespectful towards them. It’s been 3 weeks since that and everyday since my MIL has treated me like shit. I told my husband my mental health could no longer take caring for her given her treatment towards me. My husband understood and even told me I his mom was in the wrong. Now his sibling are calling me an asshole. So am I?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1)I stopped caring for my terminal MIL 2) because she came to be very rude , mean and disrespectful towards me because of false comments her kids made to her: that resulted in my mental health plummeting and simply no longer being able to care for her as I needed to care for myself.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Of couse ynta. Ten kids and none of them do anything? Im not sure why its on you.
NTA. Move the MIL out immediately. You are over your head and operating in impossible circumstances, including one in which your charge (your MIL) is being hostile towards you all while she’s dependent on you. As you noted, this shouldn’t be your job and frankly it isn’t your job. You need to stop, now. Tell your husband, FIRMLY, that you are done and will not be primarily responsible for her care and expect him to move her to another setting immediately. It’s time for this free service to end.
MIL is free to move in with any of the other 9 kids or wherever she may so desire and you’ll pack her a lunch. NTA and you and husband HAVE TO put your foot down!!!
What a tragic situation. You have every right to use the magic word – NO – and hand care of your MIL over to one of her nine children. NTA.
NTA. I’m sorry for what you and your husband are going thru, it’s not easy caring for the terminal. Pack her a bag, tell her kids to come get her for the trip. Explain to them you will be packing up the rest of her stuff and for them to let you know whose home to take it to!
NTA
Let her go. Let the MIL go to her children and see who exactly they are. If she comes back, maybe you can ask for an apology from her. If not, you will be free.
NTA if they want such a say in what she does against wishes of her medical team then they can take care of her. Your husband sounds like the only sane one
Ubunderstand your feelings. But Honestly if she’s terminal, let her enjoy the trip. It’s it better to be locked up and miserable or die having fun? It’s not just your decision.
NTA
OP if she is 5 months into hospice she won’t be around much longer. If she wants to go on the trip, have her go! What’s the difference at this point.
I know people will chime in with stories of how long their elder lived on hospice but the actual Medicare criteria is that your expected life span is less than six more months once you enter hospice care.
Sorry you have been doing all the work. I’d have hubs take over. Just say no. You’re the bad guy either way, so make it easy on yourself.
Let her go on the trip then pack her bags and leave them on the porch. You are a good daughter in law and you have done all that you can for her already.
Also why is your husband not helping you? Lip service and understanding do not suffice here.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Is her care being overseen by her doctor(s) or by a hospice? If hospice, please have your husband (along with you) contact her case manager and tell her you need help getting her placement.
If she’s still being managed by medical providers, it’ll be more complicated, but you’ll need to get in touch with your local hospice or senior care to get a case manager assigned. You know none of those nine kids is going to do what needs to be done, so it’ll be up to your husband to have her care taken over by a social services agency. She can be placed in a facility to manage her care instead of you.
Believe me, I know what taking care of a terminally ill person can do to you, and you don’t deserve to have your whole life taken over by this any longer. Good luck!
NTA “They went and told my MIL I wanted to keep them away from her and how I was being disrespectful towards them.” I’d go sit with MIL, call each one of her children on speakerphone, and say:
“I understand you feel I’m keeping you from seeing your mother. I can assure you, nothing could be further from the truth, and in fact it would be lovely for you to come spend some time and take care of her. She’s on the phone here with us now. What day this week would you like to come? I’m making a schedule for the family.”
And then listen to them stammer and make excuses.
I hope your husband is telling his mother how wrong all this is. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. I don’t know if she has any assets, but you are saving the family tons of money by being her caregiver, and I bet that won’t ever be acknowledged either.
NTA Caring for someone on hospice is exhausting physically, emotionally, and mentally and you’ve been carrying that burden almost alone.
Your MIL deserves a say in her care and whether she wants to attempt the trip (as long as she’s competent). If hospice staff have advised against it and her kids fully understand what it would take to make it happen, then you and your husband don’t need to stand in the way. It may even be that she’s ready to let go and wants this as her final memory.
Your MIL’s change in how she treats you isn’t your fault. She’s likely being influenced by her other kids, or she may just be lashing out as she faces the reality of her illness. Either way, it doesn’t erase the care and sacrifice you’ve given her for over a year.
Your husband being on your side is huge, let him handle his siblings. And don’t forget that stepping back isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. You’ve already given more than enough.
Hunty!!! I would divorce the whole family.
NTA
let them take her on the trip and change your locks while they’re gone.
NTA. Tell husband to take over care of his mom. Period.
NTA, you’ve been put in a terrible position. It’s extremely unfair that you and your husband are providing all the care, AND they these other do-nothing kids are so nasty. And now the MIL is being nasty also.
This is going to be hard to get out of given how awful the in-laws are, but I would say you need to give an ultimatum, either someone else care for her or they pay for her care, and stick to it.
I feel for you. I had to look after my father with serious dementia for 5 years whilst trying to hold down a job whilst my sister who was rarely around was always praised by my mother for ‘how good she was with my father’ and paraded as an example to me.
It’s soul destroying and damaged both my emotional and physical health. My father passed 2 years ago and my health is still suffering.
>My husband understood and even told me I his mom was in the wrong.
Ticker tape parade – give the man a prize! Oh wait.. he’s not told this to his mother and he hasn’t put his siblings straight, leaving you to deal with it all on top of everything else.. am I right?
You have a husband problem. He needs to step up and put his family straight (including his mother), stop piling the lion’s share of the care responsibility on you and stop assuming all the financial burden. His first responsibility is to you and your child.
High time it’s someone else’s turn to look after MIL for a while.
NTA! Have the other kids take care of her or hospice can take her to a facility.
NTA – drop her off at a siblings house or a nursing home
Call in hospice and let them do the chores
As a Nurse I’ve found that some family members can be VERY vocal. The most useless people seem to be the worst for it. It’s almost as though they feel like complaining and stomping around makes them feel like they’re doing something purposeful to help (when they’re not) and it eases their own guilt.
This isn’t your hill to die on. There is now an ethical dilemma where your MIL isn’t happy, or isn’t feeling safe in your care (even if this has been falsely manufactured by in-laws). It’s time to do the kind thing and move her somewhere where she is “safe” can be “cared for”. You and your partner don’t need this additional grief in her final days/weeks/months. you know in your heart that you’re a kind, and gracious person. NTA
NTA let her go in the trip & when they return don’t take her back in, she can go to a hospice facility. It is too much for you to do alone.
Time to separate allll of these strands.
“Her 9 kids are very disrespectful to me and want me to quit my job to care for her 24/7” Time to stop caring what a group of jackals thinks. Mute them all on all channels. Tell your husband you’re leaving the house for a spa day when they come over. Get a therapist to help you stop reacting to the jabs of people you don’t need to care about.
Regarding the trip, she’s an adult and she’s the only one to vote on this. Tell your husband that he’ll be responsible for any extra care she needs if she overextends herself but you shouldn’t be gatekeeping an adult. Apologize to her for interfering in the trip and let her know any future trips are up to her and your husband.
I’m glad your husband stood up for you but now he needs to do more. He needs to have a private conversation with his mom and tell her that she’ll need to move in with another sibling if she can’t be polite to you. Then starting today, every time she’s rude you put down what you’re doing and call your husband in to take over. This shouldn’t have gone on three weeks and it ends tonight.
Tell your MIL to stop the attitude or she’s welcome to move in with one of her other kids, since they are arguing over which one she should come live with. Oh they aren’t? That’s what I thought.
Call them anyway. Whatever they can do gives you a little freedom
NTA for stepping back, but if you had a previously good relationship with her, please don’t let it end on a bad note because of her asshole kids. I imagine it must be hard being on hospice and having none of your kids really give two shits. It’s probably why she was so ready to believe the lie that you were keeping them away from her. She doesn’t want to accept that they just genuinely don’t care about her.
Of course she could also be an evil old cow, I’ve never met the woman, I’m just going off your post.
Also it’s great that husband is stepping in now, but where the hell was he previously?
NTA, caring for someone full time is an extremely hard job to do.
Wow, I was about to say yep at the first part, but then I read the whole thing. 9 other siblings and they treat you like this, and help in no way? GTFOOH! NTA!
As for your MIL, she needs a dose of reality, your husband needs to tell them they all need to take turns looking after her, or start appreciating the hell out of you! I think a couple of months in each of their homes looking after her may just open their eyes to the truth of the matter.
My mum needed care in her home for the last few years of her life, I was sadly unable to do as much as she needed. Enter my beautiful, loving, kind DIL, from when she was 17 she did all mum’s personal care (showers, dressing her etc).
My siblings ALWAYS showed her the love and care she deserved, and gave her the breaks she needed, because they APPRECIATED her, they all lived away, had busy lives etc. When she turned 18 and was able to be employed by the health care system she started getting paid (prior to that she got free board, and financial help from us all). My mum loved her sooo much, her spirits always lifted when Mel (DIL) was around. And it lead to Mel doing a job she loves to this day.
If she and my son were to ever break up she would remain part of our family, I could not love her more if I birthed her.