I never imagined I have to use this account I made a while ago just to share my current situation but I want to hear what you think about my situation. So I have been with my boyfriend for three years and we recently got engaged. We’ve started talking more seriously about merging our finances, joint accounts, long-term budgeting so basically all that grown-up stuff. I told him that before we combine anything I want to see his credit score and get a general idea of his debt situation. I wasn’t demanding receipts for every dollar or anything, just wanted a clear picture of what I’d be walking into. I showed him mine, no problem. He got defensive right away. Said it was invasive and that if I trusted him, I wouldn’t need to ask. I reminded him that money problems are one of the biggest causes of divorce and I don’t want surprises once everything’s legally tied together. He said he’s handling it and that I’m making him feel like a failure.
For context: he’s always been a bit vague about money. I know he has student loans and there have been a few moments like overdraft fees, missed bill payments that made me wonder how organized he actually is with his finances. I’m not trying to shame him. I just want to go into marriage with open eyes. Now he’s upset, saying I’m treating him like a financial liability instead of a partner. Do you I’m being reasonable here?
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NTA. If he don’t want to show it maybe he’s hiding something
You’re protecting your future, not attacking him. If he wants to be your partner, he should act like one, and that means transparency, not defensiveness
NTA at all. Financial transparency is basic adulting, not distrust. His defensiveness is the red flag, not your request.
Don’t combine finances, we don’t live in 1950 anymore when women couldn’t open their own bank account. You open a shared account for shared expenses and thats it. And a good prenup separating everything.
You are more reasonable than I would be.
NTA and he knows it. Trust goes both ways. And with this level of defensiveness and projection (blaming you for “making” him feel ashamed) I would be thinking again about whether he’s emotionally ready to be married.
Who wants to combine finances? If he’s saying he’s going to sort it out and doesn’t want your help, then let him do that before combining – it’s not great, but not a bad thing, and obviously check before combining. If he’s the one who wants to combine then he needs to show you what you’re combining with.
NTA either way.
NTA, if he feels like a liability that’s his own insecurity. Life is debt be it student loans, car payments, rent, mortgage and most of those are bare minimum needs. You should discuss finances, discussing isn’t judging but an awareness of the situation. Combine nothing until comfortable.
Marriage is love and a legal/financial contract, asking about credit scores isn’t mistrust it’s maturity. Transparency now avoids heartbreak later.
NTA. Truth to tell – he is a financial liability. His vagueness and his lack of financial responsibility tell you all you need to know – that you can’t trust this man, and that if you tie your life and your finances to him, he will drag you down.
He is defintely hiding something and gaslighting you
NTA at all. Wanting to know someone’s financial situation before legally tying your lives together is just smart, not shady. It’s not about trust it’s about being informed. If he’s not willing to be transparent now what happens when the big decisions come up later?
Nta he is a baby about Red flag he is hiding something and you are so right money ends alot of relationships
Absolutely!! That’s part of a partnership. He said it, it’s about trust. You need to trust him! It’s almost about a business. It’s called household money management. He sounds like he’s not really ready yet. Try and explain it to him, otherwise your going to be in a marriage of your money is his and his money is his…….
He is hiding poor credit, plain and simple. He is bad with money and wants to to just blindly link your finances with him to absorb that.
Sounds like he is a financial liability
He’s being ridiculous. You are now engaged to be married – there should be no financial secrets between the two of you. If he can’t give full disclosure it is a red flag. Be careful with him.
NTA. Maybe he is a financial liability. I think you need to know exactly how much student loan, credit card, auto loan, etc debt is involved here. His ability to contribute to your joint expenses and savings, not to mention ability to get a mortgage or any other credit, is directly tied to his level of debt and his cost of servicing that debt. His history of missed bill payments and overdraft fees are red flags signaling that you need to know much more before you tie your financial future to this guy.
Get a credit report with all open accounts. You absolutely need transparency if merging finances. Financial literacy and responsibility in a partner is critical
NTA The fact he’s making such a big deal out of being asked to show his credit score makes him suspicious especially with the other bits of evidence like missed bill payments and student loans you have.
Don’t join finances or get married until you know his full financial situation.
What the heck?! WHY are you combining finances?!!! That’s not “grown up stuff” that’s what young people think grown ups do. You need to keep your finances separate until after you’re married and even then you want a nest egg account he has no access to. And absolutely don’t marry ANYONE until you have a lawyer run a background check on them. Arrest records, credit scores, etc… THAT is grown up stuff. If his credit rating is below 600, move on.
NTA. This is a massive red flag. I would put immediate plans on hold until he is forth coming or you realize, he’s a scrub
NTA. I’m surprised it wasn’t discussed before the engagement. Do you live together? Do not marry this guy, this isn’t a matter of trust, it’s simple math and he’s trying to manipulate you.
Fiance not bf but I’d say if this is something he’s not willing to show and ur not willing to budge, call it now!
NTA. This is a red flag and you’re right to be concerned. You need to know what you’re getting into, and if he has terrible credit then once you get married it will automatically be your name on any debt you take on to get approvals.
If your future spouse can’t know your credit score then the problems are bigger than money – that’s a fundamental lack of trust and/or a big lie happening- reconsider the marriage not just the finances NTA
NTA. He has a lot of debt and is hiding it.
NTA just because your engaged or getting married isn’t a reason to combine finances. You can be an adult while keeping money separate.
Open on joint account for bills and each of you deposits money for the household bills in that account. All other bills like student loans, credit cards, insurance all paid from your separate accounts since those are bills not shared. Figure out how much the monthly joint bill will be on average then figure out how much each one is putting in that account. This guarantees the house bills get paid.
The main reason for someone not willing to show their finances and say just trust me is they’re in the tank. They have so much debt and assume that when everything is combined that OP will take in some of that burden without even being asked since everything is commingled.
NTA, if he thinks you’re calling him a failure simply by asking to see his score/finances and after youve provided your information… I think you now know what you’re getting into & it’s probably pretty bad… stick to your guns & don’t combine until he shows you everything. But I’d be weary bc if it isn’t already, this could rapidly turn into a general trust issue
Tell him that if he can’t even be transparent about his own financial situation now, you can’t trust him to be transparent about your finances in the future together. This is a man who would be making medical decisions for you if you’re incapacitated – during birth, or during an accident, or for your children – he’d have access to your shared bank accounts and any money you make that goes into it, he’d have power of attorney over you and your children depending on the situation. If you merged finances he could literally drain the accounts to go gambling or buy guns and four wheelers and illegal stuff. I’m not saying that’s who he is, I’m just saying that’s what plenty of men have done.
Do you really want someone who can’t even admit they have a bad credit score and that they need to do better managing their finances, to be the person who has the power to decide what life saving measures doctors should go to in that sort of situation? Do you trust your life in his hands more than in your parents? That’s, legally, what marriage signifies.
NTA. Please don’t commit to anything financial with him until you see his finances and credit report. The report is important because it should show problems/debts he doesn’t reveal to you.
I didn’t know my husband was 40k in credit card debt until we got married. Used my inheritance to pay it off because the monthly interest was not something I was comfortable with us doing.
You are NTA and have every right to k ow these details beforehand. I have no regrets but there’s absolutely no reason to not k ow or be up front about what one gets into.
NTA….adn it’s an important thing. how are you supposed to create a financial plan for your life. For example, do you want to buy a house in a few years? What kind of savings are you both going to work towards and you want to be in solid position to get a mortgage. YOu also want to build an emergency savings together, save up for certin goals, and also retirement, IRA’s, 401K’s, if he doesn’t want to talk about his debts and scores, how can you navigate things together. YOu try to apply for a loan for a house and get turned down, you need to share all things.
NTA
Both can be true, he’s a partner and financial liability – but the financial part can be managed as a team if he wants real partnership. If he doesn’t then he can keep finances separate or move on without you.
Don’t do it. You’re not married.
He’s obviously hiding it and embarrassed. The biggest issue is that he felt entitled to waste 3 years of your time not disclosing this.
I asked my partner about his financial situation on date 3! This stuff matters. You need to know it’s not about ‘trusting him’. If he dies on your wedding day what are you on the hook for!
Invasive?? If you’re going to get married, none of that should be a secret. You are being very smart, and I wouldn’t set a date until he agrees to be more open. And definitely don’t combined finances until you’re comfortable.
NTA – this is a good exercise to ensure you both enter into this marriage on the same page.
How about keeping your money yours, his money his and opening a joint checking account that you choose to add to.
Him not wanting to share is a red flag for me. ‘If you trusted me’ means, ‘I’m hiding something’.
Financial issues are a leading cause of divorce. You are right to ask about this and right to see it as a red flag if he is unwilling to share. The reality is that it’s likely worse than he’s willing to acknowledge.
NTA
Throwing red flags all over the place.
🚩🚩🚩He’s hiding debt. Overdraft fees, not paying bills. If he’s not transparent, don’t get married. Marriage is based on trust. Once married, his problems become your problems. Him saying he’s “handling it” is exactly the opposite and a true partner would not have to accuse you of thinking he’s a “financial liability” if everything was on the table. Absolutely NTA.
I had to divorce my first wife because she was unwilling to change her spending habits after we went to marriage counseling. I know this can be a very stressful conversation. He might have never been taught how to manage finances. You need to work on the delivery of your message and get him to buy into a plan.
NTA frankly this is a conversation I had w/ my partner while we were just seriously dating, way before we even thought about getting engaged. You should definitely know 1. how much debt he has 2. how he was planning to pay it off before he met you 3. if that has changed now that he is planning to combine finances with a wife . The fact that he refuses to tell you his credit score is a red flag, though that could just be different backgrounds/ family-culture ideas on relationships and privacy. It’s still dumb though, because it’s going to come out if you ever jointly rent or purchase something with a loan.
Recommended Reading:
Money for Couples by Ramit Sethi
Fight Right by Gottman & Gottman
Clearly he is hiding his financial mess. Dont ever marry someone who isn’t financially responsible. It will drag your life down.
NTA. And you can run a credit report on him. Cheaper than a divorce.
But I think you already know what it’s going to say.
Do NOT combine finances until marriage and do not get married until there’s full transparency on this and a host of other things. NTA
NTA. In my opinion if he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t be so defensive.
That is because he is correctly telling you he is a financial liability…. Don’t tangle your finances together, no need if not married and still after marriage, not always a necessity.
I get wanting to keep financial stuff private. But that goes out the window once you decide to commit to someone for the rest of your life. In general I don’t like to agree with “if there’s nothing to hide then why are you hiding it”. In this situation it fits though. He wants to get married, why wouldn’t he want to show his future spouse his finances unless he’s in deep shit.
Trust but verify.
NTA – Hands down he’s hiding something. Also, just because you get married, it doesn’t mean you have to combine all of your finances. Really just joint bills. But of course, then you need total transparency even for that to work.
As silly as it sounds, my now hubs and I talked about our finances within the first month of dating. Even though we only combine joint bills (anything past the monthly bills and $200 over is ours to keep. We’re responsible for our own car payments and investments/401k, etc) we are both 100% transparent. I know everything about my hubs portfolio and he knows mine.
Don’t marry someone that isn’t transparent about their finances. It only leads to stress and anxiety.
His “taking care of it” translates to “I’m ignoring it until we get married, and then it’ll become your problem.”
I would NOT marry him until he’s been 100% transparent with his finances.
I had no idea about my ex-husbands debt until we had been married 3 years. I lost everything and gained all of the “marital” debt he’d piled on. In his, mine, and joint names. The divorce was.. messy. He disappeared off the face of the earth and left me to clear everything.
I was young, dumb, and blind to the very apparent red flags. It took me years to pay off the massive amount he’d accrued and raise my credit back up.
Girl, no. Protect yourself even if it means he’ll be a pissy little tantrum thrower.
Never mix money! Even if he had amazing credit. You can get a joint account and each put some money in, but never fully mix your money. Ever. Never ever.
NTA. I also recently got engaged. Before we got engaged, he was very open about his credit score and debt. He showed me everything. That’s what someone who loves you does. It seems like your man is looking out for himself more than you. This is a red flag.
If he is feeling like a failure, then he is a failure.
NTA. Hope you haven’t set a wedding date yet.
Do not get married. People divorce for primarily 2 reasons: finances and kids. If he won’t share with his future wife his finances he’s hiding something and it’s not good. ‘Trust me’ is not enough for you to entangle your finances with him. If you get married his debt is your debt that’s reality.
NTA but I see a red flag
red flag
also, don’t combine finances, there is no reason to. you could split bills with someone else in future
NTA
REPEAT AFTER ME
Do NOT combine your finances with anyone you are not married to.
It’s not a moral thing, it’s a legal protection thing. If things go south with the bf it’s expensive and nearly impossible to separate the money unless you are BOTH amicable. If one person is scorned they can just take the money and dip and there’s nothing u can do about it except taking him civil court, spend a ton of lawyers just to get that money back and give it to the lawyers. It’s absurd! Don’t do this!! You could end up burned for this, before you even combine finances you both need to start by sharing each other bank statements and looking at both of your credit scores together, and sharing an excel budget sheet for shared and individual bills. I lived with my husband close to 5 years before combining finances and I’m glad we found a way to work together separately before coming creating our joint account we now use for bills together.
Edit: I wanted to add if he can’t do the bare minimum of looking at your credit scores together, he’s probably not the kind of person you want to combine finances with anyway. He’s flying blind and wants you to ignore that clear red flag
I had a friend who trusted her spouse with all the finances. He suddenly dropped dead and that’s when she found out that he had taken out a loan on the property. She always thought that the mortgage was paid off. Do not relinquish your reasonable request.
Do not combine finances! Do not combine finances if he won’t be transparent he is manipulating you into helping him pay off his debt and/or increase yours.
You are never an AH for taking measures to protect yourself. Blind trust and faith is ridiculous. NTA
You’re not the asshole. You’re debating combining your financial security and your future with him. He can be evident, transparent or finances can be kept separate and the marriage will not happen until you can at least see what his credit report looks like. Tell him that it’s very important to you before you move forward Because honestly, you are absolutely correct. That is major reason for divorce and you don’t wanna wait until it’s too late to find out.
You are very smart. Credit score or it’s a no.
Never combine finances with a BF. There is insufficient commitment. Wait for marriage.
My husband and I know each other’s credit scores and financial obligations. So in that regard it feels like your fiancée should be more forthcoming and may be hiding something.
However, in my opinion, merging accounts isn’t a next step that has to happen. I’ve been married 20 years and we have one single joint CC for family emergencies and a mortgage, but we otherwise have separate accounts for everything else.
So yes it’s important to know where the household is financially, but combined accounts aren’t necessary to make it successful.
NTA.
During my first marriage I discovered my ex owed $35K on a Saks Fifth Avenue store card when we received a letter in the mail soliciting us to purchase fractional ownership of a private jet. That was the first of the three times I discovered that “we” were five figures in credit card debt over the course of our marriage. Every time it happened it caused a huge blowup in our marriage, and I believe the third incident was the precipating factor in our eventual separation and divorce.
Our finances were nominally separate, but her debts were part of the financial picture of our marriage. That is just how marriage works. You cannot combine finances with someone who is unwilling to disclose their entire financial picture to you, because they will hide future spending and debt from you as well. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the fact they want to merge finances without disclosing everything up front is a red flag that this person is incredibly immature and is basically counting on the idea that you will just make everything work, and they won’t have to think or worry about money again.
I am eight years into my second marriage. We have been completely transparent about money with each other since before the moment we started discussing marriage, and we know we are singing from the same page of music because we work out of one checking account. Those of you who are married and keep separate books, good on you, but don’t think for a second that it’s actually protecting you from any potential financial idiocy on your spouse’s part. It’s just keeping you in the dark about it.
NTA, money is never something you just blindly trust someone about. Because of his resistance you need to protect yourself.
Have you checked circuit court records for states he has lived in? Most started provide free online access. It’s amazing what those might reveal… Oh how wish that had been an option years ago!
NTA
Run a credit check and find out why, if just asking him has him feeling like failure I would be very worried.
NTA, mainly bc your partner is being vague. A few things- one of the leading causes of divorce in America is money related marital problems. It’s very important to financially be on the same page before getting married. By this, I don’t mean you both need to have the same level of money or debt, but that you need to view saving and spending in a similar way. If you don’t, you will have problems eventually.
My husband and I came into our marriage financially in very different spots. I had no debt, owned a house and car that was paid off. My husband has no car and was still renting an apt. He also had college loans he was still paying off. But, it was ok with me to combine money bc I knew from years of dating and many discussions that he was similar to me in terms of saving. The difference between us was how we grew up- he grew up in poverty and had to take our more college loans than I did. Not his fault. After we were married, we tackled his loans as a united force and had them paid off in one year. Financially, we are very strong bc we have similar frugal spending habits. You will financially be stronger together IF you are on the same page. However, I absolutely would not do anything (including marrying him)without being clear about all of this.
NTA trust your instincts, I wish I had thought to do this 20 years ago.
If he trusted you he’d show you. Partnership is partnership.
NTA
He is freaking out because he has a horrible credit score and lots of debt
U shouldn’t do it after either! He sounds like he likes 2 hide things. Not a good candidate 4 a partnership. NTA
Definitely NTA. You can’t combine finances with only one party being informed what they are getting into. Your BF is either hiding something or he is just an idiot.
NTA. I casually talked about credit scores and debt with someone on our second date
Redflag. It can be a dealbreaker and it is for me. Not necessarily credit score but being with someone and understanding their views on money, seeing their earnings and bank accounts alone would help me.
So NTA.
You shouldn’t merge finances until you are married.
Expecting honesty and clarity from your relationship? Sooo invasive /s
For real though, this is a giant red flag financially and overall. The fact that he wants to keep you in the dark until it’s too late says a looottt about how he values you
NAH
I totally understand your thought process, and it makes sense. But I also understand his.
I’ve never had a high credit score. When I was younger, I just never really borrowed money so my history was practically non-existent. So I opened some accounts to build a history, but I can never seem to go 12 months without forgetting to pay something. So my score has pretty much perpetually been stuck in the like 680 range. I’m in awe of people with 750+. I can’t even manage to break 700. But it doesn’t mean I’m broke or bad at managing money. I am actually quite skilled with investments and building assets. It’s just that I have terrible executive dysfunction from ADHD. I know people with a low score bc a parent stole their identity. I know people with a low score bc they had a really rough time 5 years ago and are still recovering. One of my friends had the lowest score I’ve ever personally seen bc she messed up the timing on one student loan payment and then her servicer applied the payments she made to for the next six months to the wrong billing cycle. So instead of one late payment on one bill, her credit score said she had 6 late payments each on 8 separate loans. Having a bad credit score doesn’t automatically mean people are bad with money or a financial liability, but it does absolutely carry shame and stigma with it. You’re absolutely right that you shouldn’t combine finances with someone who doesn’t trust you to know everything. But try to be patient with him. If you have a good score, you probably can’t understand how much it can damage people’s confidence to have a lower one.
If he is defensive about it he has something to hide. If that’s not a deal breaker for you, communicate. Tell him that you do need all the receipts and everything. Let him know that combining finances means you need all the receipts. You need a plan to pay off whatever debt he has, and to start building and saving for the future. You don’t just need the score you need the whole report. Let him know that his debt is not a deal breaker (if it’s not), to move forward you have to have a plan.
Him not wanting to show you his credit score is a massive red flag. His claim that it is invasive and you should just trust him is an even bigger red flag. I got divorced in part because my ex wanted to spend money we didn’t have.
You’re doing the right thing. Every couple should get a credit score and know all the debts of their partner before marriage.
Huge red flag. Please don’t combine finances until you (1) have seen his finances AND (2) are married or have some other sort of contractual protections in place. Your boyfriend is giving you a major reason not to trust him and not to combine finances with him. Please listen to him. When someone shows/tells you who they are, believe them. (I think that was Maya Angelou who said that originally.)
Good for you for asking for this! Especially if you are doing well financially.
IMO you should NOT ever combine finances until you are married and then you may still want to keep any pre-marital savings separate so you don’t comingle them and/or ask for a prenup if the situation is very uneven.
If you still want to proceed to merge your finances then your BF needs to show you his credit score or I’d consider it a red flag. He might very well be a financial liability. Trust your gut and Protect yourself.
Lmfao…
You opened your books for him to look at, but he won’t do the same for you? This merger will never work.
NTA and oh good god this man is a walking red flag.
>Said it was invasive and that if I trusted him, I wouldn’t need to ask.
And if he trusted you, he would trust you not to freak out about his financial situation. It’s weird that the trust is only supposed to go one way in your relationship.
NTA
If you’re combining finances then you both need to provide full financial disclosure. If either of you can’t do that, then don’t mix finances and I would reconsider marriage. Marriage ties you together even if you don’t combine finances and you shouldn’t be keeping big secrets with the partner with whom you are sharing your life with.
Not only do not combine finances, do not get married. This level of secrecy is absolutely a red flag. NTA.
NTA and WHY would you merge finances without getting married first? No offense but that’s stupid. It would also be stupid to marry someone without full disclosure of finances (and everything else).
I think it’s obvious that he IS a financial liability. This guy could make your life really really difficult. Please rethink things.
So his sucks and yours doesn’t. Now you know not to mingle the cash flow. Ntah
NTA
It’s not only about his financial health, which, as you identified is the most important financial decision you’ll make.
It is also about trust and communication , which are the pillars of a good marriage.
Spouses should be able to talk openly and transparently about financial, sexual and emotional issues.
Him not wanting to talk about finances is a triple whammy in my book.
He brought up the trust. Then bring up the trust and communication issue.
Absolutely NTA
Credit scores do more than get you credit.
They decide if you get the job. How much your car insurance costs. If you get the apartment. I good score can be hard to build and easy to destroy. And effect you long after the person who help to ruin it is gone.
NTA you are smart. This is smart. Keep being smart. Him not wanting to discuss, and lack of transparency is deeply concerning. I would not move forward at all with the wedding until you have a very clear picture.
NTA
NTA- under no circumstances do you combine finances with anyone until you have a clear picture of their finances. I bet your boyfriend is hiding massive debt.
Get out while you can – you will become responsible for his debt and unless he’s actively learning how to “handle it,” it won’t change.
Even if his score is bad, he should be sharing it with you and learning from your experience at how to hammer down the debt. If he’s hiding it, he will always hide it.
I lived this life. It’s not worth it.
Does he want to merge finances? If so, and he wants to hide his credit score, I would run. Because that means it is probably way worse than you think. And you are about to get into a very raw deal by combining finances. Not sure if this means it is the end of the engagement. Definitely should mean a total stop on any combining of finances. However with dude’s attitude of hiding, this union does not bode well.
No no no. Stop! Do NOT marry him until you watch him pull his credit score and show you ALL of his debt. He’s hiding big things from you. And he’s gaslighting you to make you feel bad. The gaslighting would be enough to make me run.
If you trusted me you wouldn’t ask, that is your exit, he’s gaslighting you. I would put everything on hold until this is resolved. It’s not the fact that he may have money issues it’s how he reacted
Huge flashing red lights.
If you don’t have an absolutely clear view on each others finances, debt ratio, loans, credit score and had some very clear conversations on what your priorities will be as a team going forward, you don’t have a safe relationship.
My husband and I were so broke when we got married that our favourite wedding photo was when the officiant said “for richer or for poorer” we cracked up laughing because one of them was reality.
We had a shared vision and neither of us were foolish or entitled or buying expensive things to impress people.
You need to understand how you spend money separately and together. How will you save? Invest for retirement? Buy a home? If you’re not financially compatible, it will never work.
My husband died last fall, he was in his mid fifties, if we had not been sensible, I would have been homeless. If we had done the annual vacations to far flung places and driven stupid expensive cars, if we hadn’t budgeted well, I would have been doomed.
As it stands I am safe with everything, he protected me.
This was a pre-engagement conversation. Not one to wait for until you got engaged.
NTA. He needs to put his big boy pants on and face reality.
Clever idea! His reaction is a bit shady though
Nope. My last and very incredible lover before i met my wife, ended our relationship for a mature businessman who “could provide” for her….she was 40,i was 34,he was 55…. When they bought a house together at closing she got to see his financial disclosure for the first time and he was worse off than me. He made twice as much money but had like ten times as much debt. She gave up a great invigorating sexlife for a lifetime of debt.
Don’t merge anything until you get that information.
NTA. Very sensible and wise.
My mom (deceased) got tricked into the glamour of a guy who was living his life on credit and off his mom’s pension. She fell in love and married him….then she found out.
She always told me that if she had it to do over, she would have hired a private investigator to check the person out.
So, follow her advice. Check this person out thoroughly. You should only make this kind of decision once in your life, why not do it right?
NTA. Before we got married we sat down and pulled out credit reports together, reviewed all three, pulled up retirement and bank accounts and credit cards. Everything was reviewed. Don’t combine finances with someone who is hiding at go.
Trust your gut before his debts and bankruptcy seeps over into your life.
Nope
Sounds like he is hiding something. Don’t combine finances unless he shares all of his financial info with you.
NTA – If hes not showong you and getting defensive then he is hiding something. If hes not hiding the debt, then hes hiding his sore ego and embarrassment. Either way, ita a more than fair request.
How about “if you loved me you would be totally honest and show me “
NTA: Even if he has made good financial decisions there is still no reason these days to combine finances. Things to get more complicated with things such as buying a house together, but there are a lot of ways to work around it. I have seen more Reddit postings on combining finances and all of a sudden one is left with nothing but a lot of debt and the other person has everything their heart desires.
My marriage was like that and I quietly started separating finances, thankfully. He got to keep all his toys and I got to keep all my retirement. He was starting to blow through money like crazy and I believe he was going to buy himself some land with a hunting cabin for him and his buddies to spend their retirement at together. I wasn’t willing to finance that – been divorced 2 years and he still doesn’t have that hunting cabin since I took my half of the money. Nobody needs $75,000 worth of guns and ammo, but he was impressing his men. He bought a ton of stuff to impress the men, or manipulate them to hang out with him – I guess they are all using each other.
If he got that defensive, his finances are shit. Even married, do not consider combining anything. And seriously, consider a prenup.
Either he’s a billionaire or he’s so deep into debt that makes that guy from Brooklyn 99 look responsible. Does he look like a billionaire?
A good credit score does not guarantee that he is not heavily in debt.
NTA. Credit score and bank account / balance.
Caution is warranted here. You are not being dramatic or overreacting and his defensiveness is a red flag flapping in the breeze.
It might be worth your while to consider doing some sleuthing with a background check.
NTA
Sounds like somebody who IS a financial liability.
I had debt before I got married. We went through with the marriage but did not combine accounts. We had a common fund for ALL expenses. Everything else was separated.
Yes he is shady and you do not merge before you know everything, it can cost you tens of thousands or more in the end if you ain’t careful enough.
What does he except, that you get married and he unloads a bomb and expect you to be fine with it because of marriage? So many damn people that hide things until marriage and expect no consequences just because of marriage. Sigh.
Red flag 🚩 on this one
Does he think you guys will combine finances, and then he will just get to keep hiding his finances from you? That’s literally not how that works. Hes being shady.
He clearly has something to hide. You should see all his credit card statements, bank accounts, debt and anything financed such as a vehicle statements, W2s and paystubs before marriage. Basically everything should be transparent.
I’d damn well want to see it first. Also, if he’s afraid he’s being treated as a financial liability that means he knows he is one.
Do NOT merge anything until you get a financial planner involved. His behavior is a huge red flag! You are a conscientious and cautious person whose ideas make good sense. You are not TAH but he is. That does not bode well.
My wife and I were discussing this just the other day. If we were to re-do anything from early in our relationship (we have been together over 20 years), we would have kept separate finances. Personal bank accounts for our pay to get direct deposited into, and a joint account for paying bills and shared assets.
NTA. I would view this as a bigger issue than just combining finance. Even if you don’t combine finances once your married his problems are your problems and vice verse.
It sounds like his situation is much less stable.than yours, and having seen where you stand, he feels like a liability. He most likely is.
I would want to see more than a credit score before combining finances, though.
Does he understand that once you marry his debts are attached to you as well? I would not be guilt tripped into dropping this. You need to be aware, and have a plan to address the situation.
DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT combine finances until he tells you everything. I also wouldn’t marry him without knowing everything. You’ll end up paying off his debts. NTA.
NTA
Many would say you are wise
Your thinking is correct but it wasn’t really worded correctly. His credit score isn’t the issue, it is his debt. When you are married you become a partnership. You no longer have your income and his income. You no longer have his debt and your debt. You have one income, and one debt. This is not only morrapy correct, it is legally correct.
These are things you need to talk about before you tie the not, including a way to get rid of his debt. It’s something that you will have to work on together.
That’s a big warning sign, ignore it at your own risk.
While your at it, given his reluctance to be forthcoming over his credit, run a background check too.
In any case, I wouldn’t even consider combining your finances until you’ve been married, maybe even wait a year.
If he does have bad credit, regardless of his future behavior, you don’t want to be tied to paying higher rates or being denied credit yourself until he’s cleaned things up and he has an acceptable credit score.
Besides the financial aspect, this behavior usually indicates other issues that go beyond financial mismanagement.
NTA best conversation to have prior to engagement. You are right finances can big relationship stressor . Compatibility includes financial communication and life goals …. NTA but it’s a big waving Red flag .
A partner is a financial liability. If you can’t discuss that, you don’t have a partner.
With that reaction, you know his finances are shit. And that isn’t a complete red flag, but it is a yellow one. And the fact that he is unwilling to talk about it is also a yellow flag. It isn’t an immediate deal breaker, because a decent person can feel so embarrassed or even ashamed of their financial situation that they can’t stop hiding.
But if you can’t work through that, it becomes a deal breaker.
You can’t combine finances until you know what they are. If his finances are terrible and you have the skills and means to help him, you could choose to do so if you wanted to. But regardless, you need financial transparency to each other.
NTA
Two things can be true.. he can be a partner AND he can be a financial liability. This is a conversation that always needs to happen before marriage… ALWAYS. You should both know what your financial status is going into the marriage, what your goals are, how you handle money (spending habits and attitudes), as well as your financial values.
Do not get married to someone who can’t talk about this and turns it on you as having trust issues if you require information.. this is a healthy relationship step to take
Do not get married before figuring out finances. What is he hiding, and how much of it will impact your future together? This isn’t about trust, this is about how his credit score and debt will impact your life. Can you get a decent place to live, will it impact his ability to take risks with you, will car insurance will be higher? Credit can keep you from getting utilities turned on without huge deposit, and it can impact job offers for various sectors.
I say this as I sit next to my husband of two years. I was the one who had the lower credit score (675), student debt and credit card debt when we moved in together 6 years ago, and was up front with him from the start of it so we could get a decent apartment – we had to limit our choices and he was the the only name on the lease for the first year. I was a tenant in common. We made a plan on how to get my credit cards paid off. I stuck to the plan through COVID and a layoff, and paid off my credit cards in under 3 years. Now my credit is better than his bc I pay my student loans on time. The point was that I was open, honest, and followed through on my promise to my partner.
You showed him your credit details and THEN he did not want to show his, got defensive and just wants you to trust him about his details,. I think seeing your score panicked him because he realized how low his would look next to yours.
Nope. NTA. If you are going to merge finances, everything need to open and on the table.
Also, don’t do this with a boyfriend. Husband, yes.
NTA. Keeping finances private when dating is a fine choice. You’re not just dating anymore. You’re engaged.
Financial stability is a HUGE issue for marriage. I’d go so far as to say if your financial philosophies are incompatible, then you shouldn’t get married. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t marry someone with debt. It means you shouldn’t marry someone with debt who is making it worse, who is living above his means, who is downplaying the seriousness of it, etc.
If he won’t share his finances, give back the ring. If he will, examine them in depth. Don’t be afraid to tell him what it will take for him to prove that you two are on the same page and he is getting whatever debt he’s in under control.
If your gut isn’t happy, please don’t set yourself up to fail by marrying him.
NTA
It’s important to know how financially secure your partner is before you hitch your financial wagon to his. I would be more concerned about his reaction than his credit rating. When my husband and I started dating my credit score was deep in the tank because of my ex’s horrible decisions. My (current) husband knew about it and was my biggest cheer leader when I would share that it went up as I climbed out of the hole. I started out in the 300’s and now I’m about 780.
He IS a financial liability. You may want to reconsider the relationship’s future if he’s already acting this way.
Trust goes both ways and if he doesn’t trust you with the knowledge then maybe marriage should be put on the shelf until he does
NTA. Joint finances are important to a successful long term marriage, but you can’t have joint finances without full financial transparency.
If he’s saying things like, “handling it”, then his credit and debt is in the toilet. Maybe he is actually handling it or maybe it’s way out of control. Either way, you should know which one it is before combining finances.
NTA
Think of it this way – if he were in great financial shape with a good credit score, would he be acting like this? It’s a perfectly reasonable request at this point in the game. Huge red flag.
Ntah, I learned that lesson the hard way. Had to separate our finances, I love her, and we’ve been married for 30+ years. But she was a financial mess. Because of that, she is only listed as a beneficiary on my accounts. She was not listed on our home mortgage/dead. If I die first, our home goes into a trust, controlled by our kids, with a stipulation, that my wife can live there as long as she wants/ able to.
Invasive?! FFS, if you’re going to marry his debt effectively becomes your debt, his financial irresponsibility becomes your problem. If he wants joint accounts and so on then everything has to be on the table for you both to see. There’s nothing invasive about wanting to know what you’re getting yourself into.
I’m guessing he’s embarrassed and is trying to deflect “blame” onto you, only there’s nothing to blame on you. Do not do joint anything until he comes clean, this is a hill to die on. And ideally don’t until you’re married.
NTA. But, don’t combine your finances. You already know that he has financial problems and based on his reactions, his financial may be worse than you imagine.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. NTA.
Nta. That’s how you should do it. The debt needs to be talked about. And how he is handling it. Does he expect you to help pay his debt off when you’re married ? Are you ok with that? Is debt a deal breaker? You have to be clear with him what his debt means to you and what youre role in it is. In case he gets it in his head your money is his for payments.
Don’t combine finances. You’re not even married and he’s not being transparent.
nta
NTA
He’s up to his armpits in debt and he’s hiding it from you.
So, to recap, he’s got debt and he’s a liar.
Frankly finances should be discussed before engagement. That ship has sailed and so has this engagement. End it now.
NTA, but you’ve been together for 3 years and don’t know the specifics of his financial situation? Don’t marry someone who can’t be transparent with you.
If this is real, please do yourself a favor and get at least the baseline info (debts, income, expectations for household contributions) before seriously considering a life with someone. Even before moving in. My partner explained their debts to me before we moved in together, unprompted, because they wanted me to feel secure and be aware before any issues came up. I think that is a healthy way to see it on both sides. You both should be open about information that could affect the other’s quality of life.
If he can’t simply give information to make you feel secure in the partnership, he can’t be expected to do much for you at all.
If he won’t be transparent then there is some issue that needs to be resolved before getting married. You can force transparency by proposing a prenup. Refusal will tell you that you need to slow down on the whole marriage idea
NTA The phrase is trust and verify. You may trust him but you need to verify it before you jump in financial together. It seems like either he is not telling you the truth, hiding something or is completely naive about it all. It could be a combination of them. You need to know now his financial situation versus saving up for a house, new vehicle or another big purchase and then find out.
“overdraft fees, missed bill payments” – This is how the poor get poorer and the rich get poorer. You not only need to see his credit scores, you need to take over finances for your partnership. It doesn’t sound like he will go for either. DO NOT COMBINE FINANCES WITH THIS PERSON.
He’s being shady AF
NTA
Do not move forward with any long term plans if he cannot do money.💰 If he cannot manage his finances now, combining finances will produce a divorce before you marry. This is a giant 🚩🚩🚩
I’m an old Gen Xer, married a while. Our finances have been separate for all but the first 7 years. At that point we a split all finances with me having access to his account. We were on our way to divorce, and he, homelessness, because he was horrid with money and had an addiction. I gave him an ultimatum and he shed the addiction. We learned to manage “together” with separate accounts for life.
His family never learned about money. His brothers and sisters kept things separate because their parents had too many kids and not enough money. He learned the hard way, but I’m never going to be his financial police. I inherited property and that won’t be squandered. He can split it all with my son when I pass. Until then we share nicely.
Im the financial mess in my marriage and I was completely honest about it from the very beginning. I had impulsive spending, was disorganized and did not grow up with anyone who knew anything about money or savings so it was a completely foreign concept. I literally did not know people saved money and my now husband had to sit down and show me how to do it. I wanted to learn but just had no idea that there was anything to learn, this may seem silly to a lot of people but poverty is real. Anyway, NTA. Yall need to start with openness and honesty to get started in the right place he needs to admit he’s not good with money and needs to be open to it.
Huge mistake. Don’t merge finances until after marriage. Sometimes not even then.
NTA.
Why does he want to combine things? There must be a benefit to him.
My wife and I have both joint credit cards as well as separate ones. My wife has her own bank accounts, savings accounts,RRSPs.
I am also an equity trader and we have accounts that in which I have her permission to trade in as well as for our kids.
I pay alot of attention to finance and business news and my wife has a great deal of trust in how I manage things. That being said…..the part of her assets that I have access and influence over is maybe 10 % of her net worth.
I don’t know no her credit score and don’t need to. I know it is higher than mine.
As you are engaged, I will offer this advice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping your finances totally separate. Money issues can easily become control points within relationships especially if one partner is less financially responsible. If your a saver and build up nice healthy account balances and he is a spender who is always a paycheck from being broke why would you even consider combining accounts.
The middle ground is open an account together with the agreement that you both add to it regularly. If he is taking out more than he adds then you sure as hell don’t want to add him to your primary accounts.