My fiancé (24 m) and i (21 f) have been together for about 4 years and are in a bit of a standstill where we cant see eye to eye right now about mother’s day.
Every year i celebrate mother’s day by having a brunch with my mom. And normally we stop by for a visit with MIL later in the day.
Well this year i was planning on doing the same thing we have always done in the past and mention to fiancé ‘is it ok if i invite my mom over for brunch on mother’s day?’ And he asks if we can do a joint thing with both of our moms. I ask him why he wants to do that. He says that way it takes less time and plus we’re engaged we are all gonna be a family now.
This is where we can’t decide which of us is right or figure out a compromise….
I tried to tell him how i feel like mother’s day is to make moms feel special and i don’t think either of them would feel special if we just lumped both of them together like that.
He said that he thinks the reason why i dont want to do it joint like that is because i think my mom is better than his mom. Which is not something i have ever expressed. I told him i didnt think that.
Its basically been a back and forth and i cant decide what the right thing to do is.
Well eventually i tell him fine let me call my mom and see if shes open to doing that because the plans were just the two of us already.
I call my mom and ask if she is open to doing a brunch with all 4 of us. She says she doesnt want to do it.
So either way its not happening now but i cant figure out if im in the wrong for not wanting to do it in the first place.
Our moms aren’t particularly close with one another and only have met a handful of times so far. I think its a great idea to do other holidays as a joint family going forward but trying to do a last minute mothers day event with the four of us just feels weird and unpleasant.
So aitah for not wanting to do mothers day jointly?
Update: after only a few hours of getting comments i get it im NTA. I was trying to see if there was any other perspective that can be had from the information I had which i posted here. Im going to talk to him about it again in the morning and solidify that since I had already made plans it wasn’t cool for him to just try to shimmy his mom into those plans so he wouldnt have to put in any extra effort to celebrate her. Im also going to suggest that we do start incorporating our families together a bit. I am nervous though because our families are very different.
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Backup of the post’s body: My fiancé (24 m) and i (21 f) have been together for about 4 years and are in a bit of a standstill where we cant see eye to eye right now about mother’s day.
Every year i celebrate mother’s day by having a brunch with my mom. And normally we stop by for a visit with MIL later in the day.
Well this year i was planning on doing the same thing we have always done in the past and mention to fiancé ‘is it ok if i invite my mom over for brunch on mother’s day?’ And he asks if we can do a joint thing with both of our moms. I ask him why he wants to do that. He says that way it takes less time and plus we’re engaged we are all gonna be a family now.
This is where we can’t decide which of us is right or figure out a compromise….
I tried to tell him how i feel like mother’s day is to make moms feel special and i don’t think either of them would feel special if we just lumped both of them together like that.
He said that he thinks the reason why i dont want to do it joint like that is because i think my mom is better than his mom. Which is not something i have ever expressed. I told him i didnt think that.
Its basically been a back and forth and i cant decide what the right thing to do is.
Well eventually i tell him fine let me call my mom and see if shes open to doing that because the plans were just the two of us already.
I call my mom and ask if she is open to doing a brunch with all 4 of us. She says she doesnt want to do it.
So either way its not happening now but i cant figure out if im in the wrong for not wanting to do it in the first place.
Our moms aren’t particularly close with one another and only have met a handful of times so far. I think its a great idea to do other holidays as a joint family going forward but trying to do a last minute mothers day event with the four of us just feels weird and unpleasant.
So aitah for not wanting to do motherday jointly?
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I don’t think either of you are wrong, but I do think your boyfriend is pretty childish with his lame knee jerk “you think your mom is better than mine” response. Like, boy, grow up.
Oh boy. Just wait until you have kids and want to have Mother’s Day be about you. Instead you spend all day celebrating your mother and your mother in law. Most likely the kids will be acting up and you have to handle them and all you want to do is have a day to yourself. I freaking hate Mother’s Day.
Anyway, you already had plans and your fiancé wanted to change it last minute. Your mom didn’t want to share so it’s a done deal. Next year make different plans for everyone to be together or continue to see them at different times. Yes, you waste a day, but you do it for other holidays as well. Just chalk it up to a lost day.
No, youre not TA. This is something you need to have a sit down conversation with your partner about for not only this, but future holidays. My mother is the absolute hands down most important person in my life, she is the most generous loving, kind and friendly person ever but she would be extremely uncomfortable sharing a holiday with my mother in law. It would never even be a discussion to be had with my partner, they know it’s not an option so we plan accordingly. Have the tough conversations now and pin these things down so that this doesn’t become an argument every holiday for the rest of your life
Is there any way that you could have lunch with your mom and he has lunch with his?
You’re not wrong for not wanting to lump the celebration together, but he’s not wrong for wanting to include and do something for his mom when you’re doing something for yours. The issue is HE needs to plan his own thing for HIS mom. He can go to his own lunch with her or maybe you guys do dinner. He can’t just hijack your plan then throw his hands in the air and not come up with another solution.
I can see who wears the pants in that relationship. Maybe he wants to celebrate his mom with brunch just once instead of late afternoon.
He should see his mom for brunch alone and let her continue with her plans. Why does he have to wait for her?
Your fiancé is a man child. You want to marry a man who thinks so little of your wants and opinions?! This is not going to get better once you’re married. If anything he’ll dig in more because you’ll be tied to him. Rethink this. You’re young. You’ll find someone who treats you like you’re also a human being with thoughts and wants. This guy ain’t it.
NTA. His idea was stupid and thoughtless to everyone involved. Go have brunch with your mom away from him.
Why don’t you both do brunch with your mom as planned then dinner/ dessert with his mom. Then you spend time with both of them
The boyfriend comes across as childish, but i personally would prefer to celebrate together. It isn’t wrong to celebrate separately, but once you are engaged or married, it becomes problematic. As a couple, it’s normal for both of you to be together when you celebrate things, particularly when children are added to the mix. So then you either combine the celebrations or you have to celebrate twice, once with each family of origin. When you multiply double celebrations by every holiday, it gets to overwhelming and very stressful. So if you can simplify your lives by celebrating all together, you will be glad in the long run.
Why don’t you just dived and conquer? Your mom isn’t his mom and vice versa
Let me paraphrase your boyfriend for you… And then let’s see if that helps you gain some clarity, OK?
BTW, I’m old enough to be your mom, if not your grandmother. Now personally, I don’t give a crap. I really don’t. Because my daughters and I get to do all sorts of fun things anyway. So if they have an in law that is really into Mother’s Day, I fully tell them to go do whatever and make her happy. We’ll do something fun later. But that’s just me.
In this case, here’s what your boyfriend is saying:
“You and your mom seem to have a really close connection. You have fun at your brunch on Mother’s Day. I don’t know really what to do for my mom. I realize I could just take my own mom to brunch and have a special time with her. But that sounds like a lot of work.
So why don’t we just horn in, uninvited, to the event that you’re planning. That way you put all the time and effort into finding a great brunch place, I don’t have to do shit, but I look like a great son.
And yeah, I know our moms don’t really know each other and Percy, no I don’t want to just go to brunch with your dad and my dad because they don’t need each other and that would be awkward… But since it doesn’t really affect me and still makes me look like a really good guy, why don’t we do this.”
You then tell him no, and now we’re gonna paraphrase his response to an appropriate no from you.
“What do you mean you don’t immediately want to say yes to my idea that it’s going to make me look like a night in shining armor without doing a fucking thing?
I mean, you and your mom always have fun. You just think your mom is better than my mom… Well… I know you really don’t, but I’m going to say that to try and make myself a victim and to make you look bad and to try and guilt you into doing what I want you to do so that I don’t have to do shit. Why the hell won’t you just let me be a lazy asshole?”
See? When you paraphrase what he’s really telling you, do you start to see that maybe he’s not a nice guy you thought he was?
Because, you know, if he had planned a really nice spa day for his mom for Mother’s Day, you would’ve been so happy about that. You would’ve told him what a thoughtful gift it was. And how impressed you were that he got it all set up for her. How cool!
But you notice how he wasn’t happy for you? That you have a nice things scheduled for you and your mom because, you know, she’s your mom! How weird, right?!
Nope. He is going to get pissed off because now he hast to put some thought into his mom‘s Mother’s Day gift. Which, let’s get real, really isn’t that hard. I mean… He could literally take her out for brunch and get her some flowers, and she would be happy you know… Just to spend some time with her adult son. And I use the word adult here leniently.
So anyway, my suggestion as your mom/grandma mentor here…🤣…. Is the dump the boyfriend. Because he is showing you that he’s lazy. That he will expect you to do all of the emotional and mental load of your relationship if you live together much less get married. And oh my God… If you have kids… Let’s just triple that.
All while he gets to take credit. He gets to come off as being something great guy because you put all the work in. That he doesn’t appreciate. And if you say no to him, he is showing you exactly how he’s going to act. You know… That five-year-old stomping their feet and throwing a tantrum? Not a good look. Definitely not sexy. That just gives us all the ick to even think about.
Go have fun with your mom. And find a better boyfriend. Because you deserve it.
“Every year i celebrate mother’s day by having a brunch with my mom. And normally we stop by for a visit with MIL later in the day.”
A brunch seems more special to me than stopping by for a visit. Why don’t you alternate? One year brunch with your mom and visit with his and the next year brunch with his mom and visit yours?
As much as I love my children stopping by, it doesn’t seem as special as them inviting me somewhere else.
NTA. I’ve been married for 28 years and the only time we combined my family and my husbands family was for the kids bday parties. Other than that the holidays are separate.
We did a variety of things from mother’s Day. I hosted brunch for my mother and mother-in-law and their spouses more than once. It was very nice. We would sometimes even invite my husband’s sister and her family. It’s just a get together where all the mothers are honored. Once or twice my mother-in-law treated us all to brunch but my mother couldn’t make it. I loved my mother-in-law and was glad she could share the day with us. But maybe you don’t care that much for your mother-in-law. My mom got along fine with my mother-in-law, so it was always very nice. But then I absolutely adored my mother-in-law.
Unless your moms are friendly with each other, have brunch with your mom and he should go have brunch with his mom. That way, it cuts down on the back and forth he mentioned.
Although we have a joint Mother’s Day with ALL of the moms (grandmas, aunts, cousins, nieces) in my family, we do not mix my husband’s side of the family with mine.
NTA since they have only met a handful of times. But you guys ARE going to be a family. Some holidays can be shared.
I suggest you both visit your moms separately for now. But something has to change if you guys plan on having kids.
My husband and I have hosted a Mother’s Day dinner at our house for both moms and they loved it.
Esh why should you have brunch at your house with only your mom and your fiancé can’t? You have brunch at a restaurant and he can take his mom out to eat as well so no one is at home for a brunch? He feels like you put your mom ahead of his and you clearly state brunch with your mom then something later for his. Flip it this year and brunch with his mom and later with yours. Or no brunch and go separate ways.
Your fiancé is right that once you get married that you and him are each other’s primary family and holiday’s are gonna have to change. That you’re gonna wanna spend time together on these holidays..
At some point, you’re gonna be the mother and you you’re not gonna go to your mom’s house and give her brunch when someone should be giving you brunch .
It might be that your fiancé thinks that your mom gets a better deal so he wanted to include his mom in.
A compromise might be you take your mom out to brunch on Saturday together and then do something with his mom on Sunday.
We do both…as young as you are, it might be nice for your moms to get closer as you’ll likely be having kids one day and birthday parties, Xmas events, etc. We go have dinner all together, and the next day – my mom and I will do something together just us…mani/pedi -whatever. If they don’t have an issue and it won’t cause any problems….I think it’s a nice gesture.
Nta. If you can’t even compromise on an insignificant issue how will you compromise on big issues? I don’t think he is ready for marriage and you guys need lots more communication
It’s Mother’s Day, not his day to do something that “takes less time.” OP is NTA.
It’s not about who is right or not. You dont want to do that, and that is a valid enough reason not to do it.
And yall are engaged, not surgically attached. You can live doing your own things with your own moms for brunch.
I spent every Mother’s Day with both my grandmothers. We were there to celebrate them. In fact, my poor mom ran the whole show! She barely got any recognition.
It’s not a wedding… it’s Mother’s Day.
I think the setup you had before was fine. If your moms really got along and hung out sometimes, I think it would be nice if they wanted to, but there’s no need to free up space on Mother’s Day. It’s Mother’s Day. You spend it with the mothers.
So you’re welcome to go have brunch with your mom and go see your MIL-to-be after you’re done. If you and your fiancé have kids, you can do Mother’s Day at yours.
So why don’t you see your mom and he go see his mom at the same time? That way you both can honor your mothers for Mother’s Day and spend the same time with them without having to spend all day bouncing from one to another. You are not his mother’s child, he is not your mother’s child. This doesn’t have to be complicated.
Yikes.
He isn’t respecting the relationship you have with your mom. And he’s trying to force you to treat his mom equal. He should treat his mom like a queen, you are busy treating yours.
This is a hill to die on.
Oh sweetie. You aren’t mature enough to be getting married anytime soon. Nothing wrong with all of you celebrating together.
It’s going to get more complicated if you have kids and you still want all these separate Mother’s Day celebrations. Just celebrate together
I think your boyfriend didn’t want to take the time to do anything with his mom so he just jumped on your plans. Each of you should take your own mother out.
You go to your mom’s or take her out to brunch. Let him do the same for his mom, then you have your afternoon free, if that’s what’s most important to him on the one day a year he is supposed to celebrate his mother.
I don’t get all these comments. I see a severe preference to your mum. She gets brunch while you then ‘visit’ his mum. How is that fair? I totally get where hes coming from
Sounds like he wants you to do all the work so he doesn’t have to make any effort for his mom.
NTA. You can spend time with your mothers separately. Or one Saturday one Sunday. Also. If this is the argument now? What will it be like when you’re the mom? Hauling your child all over to visit both of your moms?
You go do mother’s day with your mom, he goes and does something with his mom.
Don’t do it. Please for the love of everything holy, do NOT do it. You will never again get a break from mil. Any time you want something special with your mom and fiance will shove his mother in too. Let HIM take his mother to brunch at the same time (wildly different location) that you’re out with your mom.
I made the mistake of allowing my DH to insert his mother into my family holidays and traditions. What happened? My parents respected HIS family’s time but his parents do NOT. This past holiday season was the first time I didn’t have to spend every. f%*^#ing. holiday. with my il’s/mil. She’s in a care facility and we don’t have the capability to bring her out of the facility and care for her appropriately for any amt of time.
You are NTA for not wanting to a joint thing. At all. Your fiance is a child with his retort that you just think your mom is better. No dumbass! It’s time I want to spend with MY mom. He’s being lazy. Let him go see his mommy and you do your brunch. I’d bet he just doesn’t want to have to make that type of solo effort. His problem, not yours.
You always take your Mother out to do stuff and never his mom… geesh can’t see where he got this idea… (is he supposed to think of that.. that’s what he did now)
I fully agree on actually doing it together he needs some changes now.. so it will be easier on him when there are kids involved later on and he has to
Do something for you as well.
Or agree to do brunch at two separate tables? Opposite sides of the restaurant. So there is convenience and a special moment still.
Also you get half your day back for now to try and create new offspring so that the day will revolve around you.
Let’s be clear : your mom is way better than his mom in your eyes (and his mom is way better than yours in his eyes) that’s normal thinking !!!
Plus you will never be able to treat his mom like your mom and his mom will never treat you like your mom does ..,
(Exemple : you kill someone and go to jail, your mom will visit you, his mom will make him divorce you).