So I know the title sounds bad, but it’s not because I don’t like Asian food, people, or culture. It’s because my Bf always uses his chopsticks like they’re drumsticks whenever we’re at an Asian restaurant.
By drumsticks I literally mean he taps them together, taps them on his hand, and even on the plates/cups. I won’t lie; it’s extremely annoying. I don’t want to put up with it anymore, which is why I don’t suggest going out to Asian restaurants anymore, and I decline all of his invitations to an Asian restaurant. I don’t see it as breakup-worthy because this is the only “big” issue I have with him, but it is very annoying to deal with.
It’s also very embarrassing. Maybe it’s okay if we’re in a crowded loud restaurant, but he’s also done it in fairly empty dining rooms too. It’s so uncomfortable knowing that the place is quiet enough that the staff and all the surrounding customers can hear his chopstick drum solo. It’s embarrassing that I’m seated with a grown man and not a small child doing this. Hell, you even teach small children that tapping your utensils at the table is rude.
I have asked him to stop this and I’ve tried to get to the bottom of why he does it in the first place.
He’s told me that he “fidgets” when he’s bored, but I’ve noticed he’s never done this with other utensils like spoons and forks. I’ve never known him to be a fidgeter in general because I’ve never seen or noticed it. He’s also told me he doesn’t have ADHD or autism.
He has told me that I’m just nitpicking him and being overly judgmental. He’s also asked me to explain how exactly it’s a rude gesture. I pointed out that it disturbs other customers, he’s pretty much said who cares about how the other customers feel? He’s not hurting anyone or doing something illegal. He also doesn’t think there’s any harm being done because it’s only happening at our table.
When I said that it’s annoying to me too, he said I’m just making a bigger deal out of nothing.
I’ve also pointed out that it’s a rude gesture in Asian culture. I once played “chopstick drums” as a kid, but I never forgot when my mom (she’s half Japanese) chewed me out and immediately put a stop to that. I know it’s not just something that bothers only me.
I also told him that he’s never tapped his metal forks and spoons in the same way. To that, he said that the metal sound was louder and more annoying than the sound of wooden chopsticks. He also said that it was “childish” to bang around his utensils, but a chopstick drum solo isn’t? I’m at the end of my rope. I realized that I can’t get him to stop, and I honestly shouldn’t have tried. I felt like the best way to deal with this was to just remove myself from the environment where it happens. In this case it’s the Asian restaurants.
I made this post because he’s recently caught on that I don’t go out with him to Asian restaurants anymore. When I told him the reasons why, he got upset and again told me I’m just overreacting over nothing.
Comments
Manners Maketh Man (see “The Kingsman”).
Ytah
He’s embarrassing you in public after being told that it embarrasses you.
It seems that this is a “is he boyfriend worthy” question rather than a “where to eat” question.
Only after you’ve decided that he is boyfriend worthy, then the “where to eat together” question arises.
NTA
NTA. He is being disrespectful of you and Asian culture in general.
NTA
He needs to grow up and have some consideration for your feelings. You are not asking for much.
NTA. Damn that would be annoying as fuck. Geez he’s not 5!
Both you and he have options. You – decline Asian restaurants or break up. He – agree to no Asian restaurants, stop using chopsticks as drumsticks, or break up.
It’s rude, he doesn’t care that he’s insulting someone’s culture. Especially because these are likely immigrants who have comparatively less power in this country, and are relying on him to tip them, so they can’t speak up. The power imbalance here makes it worse. NTA, it’s a red flag tbh
“who cares how the other customers feel?”
What a fucking rude cunt.
NAH. Seems funny though. I’ll try this next time I get sushi
YTA
He can go to those restaurants with his friends and you can stay home.
Problem solved.
How loud is this drumming?
“I pointed out that it disturbs other customers, he’s pretty much said who cares about how the other customers feel?”
Did you mean the noise disturbs other customers, or just that strangers were looking at your table?
I think if he does it incessantly through the whole meal, even after you ask if he can please stop tapping than you’re NTA and he needs to find a different fidget.
If you only asked him the one time and then started boycotting Asian restaurants to avoid the situation, I think you’re overreacting a bit and ought to try communicating your needs in a different way. But ultimately I feel like tapping on the table isn’t necessary and he should find another outlet if he needs something.
Don’t ever take him to Japan! 😂
Frankly, this would be something I break up over. He’s not just disrespecting Asian restaurants, he’s disrespecting you and your culture.
So he’s mad that you found a compromise for him annoying and embarassing you in public by doing something he himself admitted is childish? What a weirdo. Just order your east asian food as takeout to have at home and let him hit whatever he wants there if he misses playing drums so badly.
I don’t blame you and I applaud you for finding a way to avoid it. If that’s the only time he has a behavior habit that makes you feel very self-conscious because when you told him it was bothering other customers, I get the feeling that you don’t like the fact that they’re staring at your table, possibly judging the two of you. Personally, I would think that speaking with someone who is more familiar with the culture and the customs and finding out if it’s actually disrespectful to people who own the restaurant or who were brought up using chopsticks. Although in all reality I have seen grown men, use a knife and a fork to drum on things with. I found it annoying.
If you really want to make your point, I would love it if you could find several small fidget toys a lot of times they have the little ones with the they’re kind of a rubbery with a little pop button things. You could also try a small coloring book and a small box of crayons or those little flat toys that you move the little squares around inside of it to try and create the picture. I always thought they were kind of the 4Runner to the Rubik’s cube, but you could even find a miniature Rubik’s cube or those little things used to get them in gumball machines and cracker Jack boxes. They were round with a plastic dome on it. They had bb’s in it and there were little holes punched into the picture and you had to tip it to get a BB in every single hole. I would take a whole bunch of these and every time he picks up the chopsticks I’d say. I understand you have a problem with fidgeting here and give him what is essentially a little kid’s toy to keep them occupied. When they’re bored I would give him crayons and coloring pages and say why don’t you color these and that’ll help stop your fidget day. And if that doesn’t work, the little Rubik’s cube here. You can try playing with this to stop your fidgeting and then I’d bring out the little slide puzzles and the little. I don’t know BB puzzles. I guess you’d call it and whatever other little fidgety things you can find in. Maybe a dollar store? I’d recommend a dollar store and like party supplies because usually you can pick up a package of several of some of these things cuz they use them to fill a treat bag for kids that go to parties. So even if you don’t get to a dollar store, you could check party supply area in most stores. I would just keep giving him little childish things to do because if his behavior is that childish then treat him that way. He’s either going to get very angry that you’re treating him like a child or it might actually work. But this seems to be a big issue that he’s realize now that you’re avoiding it. Because this is a problem for you and it feels almost like he’s trying to force you to tolerate his behavior. I mean the idea of just not going to an Asian restaurant with him to me sounds like the perfect solution, but if he’s now saying that somehow you’re bad for not going there with him. Then I say that to me is a little bit manipulative possibly and controlling. Definitely it reminds me of a 3-year-old stomping his foot and saying I don’t care if you don’t want to. I want to. So we have to do it now because I said I want to. Stop little foot. So if he’s going to act like a child treat him like one.
NTA. I wouldn’t be removing myself from the environment of Asian restaurants, I’d be removing myself from the environment of my babyboyfriend. What a dismissive self-centered prick.
Start doing it, too. But, be really obnoxious about it. Don’t stop. Do it through the whole meal. Some people have to be shown the error of their ways.
You say not break up worthy but look at what he says that reflects on his character. He knows he’s annoying other adults trying to enjoy their meal but doesn’t care. He knows it embarrasses you but he doesn’t care. He knows it’s rude to everyone including insulting to the Asian culture, but he doesn’t care.
You removed yourself from being in a situation where he is rude, insulting, and embarrassing and he’s mad at you for not just allowing him to bang his utensils like a toddler in a restaurant and swallow embarrassment and cultural insensitivity he ENJOYS publicly displaying.
He wants you to accept this entry level disrespect & piss poor manners so he can start amping it up & he can put his full lack of character & maturity on display.
Tell him you just don’t want to go to an Asian restaurant with a 3 year old that can’t behave. When he’s ready to be an adult or a big boy you’ll
Go with him again. Nta
Just so you know, your bf is a rude, disrespectful c*nt, possibly borderline racist as well.
My hubs mom was Japanese. If I had ever used chopsticks like the bf does, she would have been mortified by my bad ‘round-eye’ behavior.
It is extremely poor table manners, and boorish, crude behavior.
If you ever have children with this man, be sure he has no exposure to them while they eat until they are at least mid-teens — unless you want them to join the chopstick drum brigade.
NTA
YTA. The guy is simply having some harmless fun. You should unclench and try it sometimes.
Bring crayons and a coloring page with you next time you go to a restaurant with chop sticks, give him those instead. That way he doesn’t get bored.
Bring a quiet thing he can play with.
Hi OP. 99% you’re 100% right – it sounds really annoying.
The only way it might not be THAT bad is if he’s a really talented chop stick drummer, and he was only delivering one or two flourishes in the course of an evening.
NTA
He recognizes it’s annoying to bang spoons and forks. Well, chopsticks are eating utensils for Asians. He sounds more like a 5 year old rather than an adult.
It’s rude to Asians, it’s childish to play with utensils at the table, it’s rude to others in the restaurant, and it’s rude and annoying to you. If he can not fidget at other restaurants, he should be able to not fidget at Asian restaurants.
I’m not sure why you would not consider breaking up with a man-child who doesn’t care if his behavior in public annoys and embarrasses you.
>I pointed out that it disturbs other customers, he’s pretty much said who cares about how the other customers feel? He’s not hurting anyone or doing something illegal. He also doesn’t think there’s any harm being done because it’s only happening at our table.
>When I said that it’s annoying to me too, he said I’m just making a bigger deal out of nothing.
Actually, what he’s saying is that he cares as little for you as he does for everybody else.
I would not be at all surprised if this is not his only flaw, but the tip of a gigantic asshole of an iceberg.
NTA
Based on .. I pointed out that it disturbs other customers, he’s pretty much said who cares about how the other customers feel? He’s not hurting anyone or doing something illegal. .. You have a very, fiery, RED flag that you are ignoring. You asked for reasonable behavior – he told you to go to h*ll.
Thought from the other side of the coin: He sounds very Neuro Divergent, The two main ones I know cuz that’s what we have dealt with between me and at least 3/4 of my kids. He did kinda say it that he fidgets when he is bored.
His impulse control seems a bit off. So there may actually be a medical condition that has him acting this way. I have the same issue. There will never be a set of chopsticks that I won’t pretend ima drummer for a hot second oh and my eldest and I used to do dancing bread sticks at Olive Garden.
Maybe he just needs a plan put in place so he doesn’t “embarrass” you at dinner. I bring fidget things with me. I have several my new obsession is getting a Lil Ouchies and also have one that pulses.
Now opting to not eat Chinese, Vietnamese food, Japanese food, Korean and probably a bunch more I’m drawing a blank and trying to keep from doing a deep rabbit hole mission to find out how many people use chopsticks lol, that is a great plan. He doesn’t sound horrible but I know how both of you feel. You can also opt out of chopsticks.
Have a blessed evening
If he can avoid doing it by using utensils then he should be using utensils instead of chopsticks.
Not caring about the other patrons in the restaurant and doing something frowned upon by Asian culture in an Asian restaurant is just a dick move. Is it possible he has a secret hate on for Asian people? It seems like he gets his kicks from insulting their culture and waiting for reaction.
If you’re 17, it is whatever.
But if you’re in your mid 20’s, ask him if it’s so hard to act like an adult. Tell him he can play on his phone. But no playing drums in a restaurant.
It could just be that he doesn’t know how to use them properly. Maybe you should teach him or tell him what your mother said to you?
honestly if he won’t stop after u explained why it’s annoying and rude then avoiding the situatiojn is totally fair. You’re not asking for much, just a meal without a personal drum concert lol
« Who cares how the other customers feel » he better keep that same attitude when its HIM getting annoyed because someone’s making noise tapping and using something like an instrument in a restaurant then🤨🤨🤨 Youre absolutely nta, you found the solution, not going with him to asian restaurants anymore, if he has a problem with that then he can stop using his chopsticks for drum solos on the table in restaurants💀💀
NTA
Bruh has nobody ever taught him basic manner? He needs to understand this is incredibly rude, as a child if I ever played with utensils I’d get a beating
There’s fidgeting and there’s being an ass. Not only is he rude, he’s an ass for not thinking about others (you and other diners). You being part Japanese (I am Hapa) understand that some cultures find these actions very rude and crass. I don’t think this is a breaking point, but he needs to be better.
My ex did the same thing. I felt so much second hand embarrassment when he tapped those chopsticks in a crowded restaurant and everyone was staring at us. We were in our mid-twenties. When I told him to stop, he went, “Make me!”
I swear one guy was about to come and confront him, but thankfully my ex stopped on time.
When you feel embarrassed by your partner and they won’t change, you never look at them the same again, and it’s time to go.
You will encounter red flags later if this isn’t a red flag. And just b/c he thinks he’s neurotypical doesn’t mean he actually is.
It’s as rude as sticking the chopsticks up his nose and pretending he’s a walrus. Tell him to grow tf up.
NTA.
Enjoy Asian cuisine, but with a new boyfriend. An adult this time.
Are you dating a 12 year old?
“He also said that it was “childish” to bang around his utensils…”
Chopsticks are utensils, so he is, in fact, being childish by drumming with them.
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TLDR – YTA to yourself. You’re still justifying being with a guy like that even though there are other guys who don’t act like him when it comes to going to a cultural restaurant.
Having travelled all over asia, i’ve never heard it to be ‘disrespectful’ though… i’ have never myself done it because I am an adult
NTA. Period. Like there’s no other explanation. He’s being rude, annoying and uncouth.
NTA he has a choice stop or you wont get Asian food with him. He wants both.
NTA He is childish and wants to force you to watch him show off in ways that make you annoyed. Is this the level of respect and maturity you want from a partner? This is the kind of self-absorption that has to bleed into other decisions.
Yall sound like a bunch of boomers
OP, I’m taking your bf out to an Asian restaurant and we going chopstick b2b
He’s being rude enough that I wouldn’t want to be seen with him anywhere that has chopsticks. However, I like Asian food too much to give it up for someone who can’t follow really basic etiquette rules.
If you broke up with him over ‘this’ it wouldn’t be because he plays with his chopsticks like they’re drumsticks, it would be because he’s inconsiderate to other people, will do things that annoy you on purpose, and will downplay your feelings and opinions (saying you’re making a big deal out of nothing is very dismissive of you).
Breaking up with someone over playing with their chopsticks might be silly. Breaking up with an insensitive clod who doesn’t care about you or anyone else for that matter is perfectly reasonable.
I have to disagree with OP here. It’s very “breakup-worthy”. Your bf sounds like an ass. He sounds immmature. He sounds rude. He sounds very inconsiderate. Sorry, replace all the “sounds” with “is”. You tried to be polite and mature by pointing out this issue, and he shut it down with a “whatevs”. I think this is more a precursor of similar issues in the future. Good luck with it all!
NTA
You just shared your feelings.
A possible solution is for you to recommend a different fidget to him. Like twiddling his thumb or something.
NTA
Is your boyfriend a drummer or a former drummer? Every drummer I’ve ever known does this to some degree. As they get older they mature and learn to control themselves. (He does it with chopsticks because they’re similar to drumsticks).
Your boyfriend needs to grow up. He also needs to learn manners and empathy. He’s insufferable! Really, he doesn’t care about how his behavior affects others? He diminishes and negates how you feel? He doesn’t care that he’s not only damaging the chopsticks, he’s insulting the owners of the restaurant?
Are you sure this is someone you want to grow old with? Raise children with?
I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to an Asian restaurant with him. I wouldn’t either. You can always order carry out or delivery.
If it’s nothing then why doesn’t he just stop? I mean if it is sooooo tiny of a deal to him and it is obviously a big deal to you, why not just do what you want?
Literally all he has to do is not drum the fucking chopsticks. He created this problem entirely on his own.
How often could this REALLY be happening?
If he doesn’t care about how other customers feel, does this bad attitude surface in other aspects of his life? This seems really self-centered.
Tell the server to get him forks and spoons at a Chinese restaurant and take away his chopsticks lol
Side note: Tapping chopsticks are usually done during Chinese wedding banquets when the guest wants the new couple to kiss 🙂
NTA you’ve pointed out that it is rude in other cultures, that it annoys you, that it annoys the other customers, and he has shown a complete disregard for all those points. If he isn’t feeling to compromise by using a fidget spinner or something similar that won’t make a noise if he really can’t help but fidget that I don’t see what other choice you have to be honest.
NTA. Get the child a fidget spinner.
> I also told him that he’s never tapped his metal forks and spoons in the same way. To that, he said that the metal sound was louder and more annoying than the sound of wooden chopsticks.
Get a Korean chopstick (they are made of metal) and either make the bf use it or start drumming with it to show how annoying and wrong it is to the bf of his goddam selfish action.
Tell the wait staff, no chopsticks.
Actually, he’s being very dismissive of your feelings, which is a red flag.
Since he says he fidgets, bring along some fidget toys and exchange them for the chopsticks. If he won’t switch, then it’s not about him feeling fidgety.
That’s really rude and the fact that he won’t even attempt to stop it makes you NTA.
The issue is you didn’t immediately chew him out and put a stop to it.
You KNOW its rude & disrespectfull because you are part Asian. He is an asshole and disrespecting asian culture culture. Tell him he is free to go and disrespect other cultures on his own but you have no interest in looking like an ignorant asshole by association.
Probably also offensive to Asians. I know they have some customs around how to use chopsticks although I don’t know for sure. All I know is it in fact offensive to stick the chopsticks straight up in bowl of rice.