I (28F) and my fiance (30M) recently got engaged. I am over the moon and even tho I have never been the type of girl to plan my wedding growing up, I have been getting really excited to plan everything and make our day as special as possible. We are planning to get married next year. Ever since we told my family my mother has been pushing for my disabled brother (24M) to have a “special role” in the wedding. For some context; my entire life, any big event or social gathering or celebration, has been focused on my sibling. He has overshadowed all of my achievements, events and celebrations. My whole childhood revolved around him. And it’s not his fault, I love my brother so much, but my parents centred their world and consequently mine around him. He is not severely disabled, he can walk and talk and is for the most part a pretty independent person. However he does need carers and support, and his emotional outburst can be quite intense, and if he isn’t having a bar of it then the day/event/gathering is over. My mum continues to push for him to have a special role and be apart of the day, to which I have been continually declining. I want this day to be about myself and my fiance, and I don’t want this one thing to be overshadowed yet again. I am now at the point where I want to elope, I don’t want to deal with this constant drama and trying to appease everyone but ourselves. I informed my mother of this and she was fine with the elopement, but still wants my brother to have a role. Her words were “I just want brother to be involved in the wedding in some way other than a spectator. Brother will never have his own wedding, and this is his chance to be in one” And again it just centres back to the fact that this is also her daughters ONLY wedding, and i just feel so frustrated that it feels like i have to sacrifice my own special day to cater to my mums need to see her son in a wedding. I just want one day, my wedding day, to be about me and the man I love, and not have to share that with anyone. AITAH for this?
AITAH for not wanting to honor my mum’s wish for my wedding
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA – your wedding, your choices
NTA
NTA. It’s your special day. You do want you want.
Could you do a courthouse wedding with your brother involved, and then hold a formal reception at another time without including him? Not trying to be a jerk here, but at least he could be a part of the “elopement” and you wouldn’t need to risk him having an outburst for this next celebration. If you do include him in the big ceremony, he may not act up at all, but you’ll be worrying about it the whole time and you shouldn’t have that stress added to an already stressful day that should be centered around you and your groom.
NTA.
NTA, though, you may only get a wedding that centers around the couple by eloping and not including your parents. It’s long past time to have a reality check. “Mom, I’ve never once been allowed to simply have something for myself. You’ve always taken that from me with guilt and manipulation. That stops now. I will not share my wedding or anything going forward. He is a part of my family, not the center of every event of my life. I deserve to have things that are just mine without your manipulations taking it away. My life is mine. If you can’t accept that, you dont need to be invited to participate.”
Have you told your mother that it’s her only daughter’s only wedding and the only focus should be on the bride and groom?
Your brother and everyone else present only get to be guests and witnesses. If that’s not enough, then don’t come.
NTA.
NTA. The fact that your mother can’t let you have one special day where you get to be the star is very telling. Stand your ground on this.
Not at all! I suggest you and your fiancé save up as much as you possibly can and take yourselves on a fabulous vacation / honeymoon to get married. Don’t tell anyone and don’t invite anyone. Just talk about it as a vacation. Even say you are putting off the wedding for a while so you can get it all figured out. It sounds like your mom isn’t going to let you have one single day that doesn’t include your brother. She has proved that at every milestone in your life so far. What makes you think she will behave any differently bc it is your wedding? You might even tell her, privately, when you get back and announce that you got married that you chose to do it this way so she could not force you to share this special day with your brother. Tell her you did this specifically bc of her and how she has not ever let you have just one thing that was just for you. There isn’t any reason for you not to be here just with her after the fact.
Tell your mom to have a wedding herself and involve your brother. But it also seems like there is no reasoning with her so I suggest you completely tune out her wishes/requests and focus on your big day. And if you still feel eloping is the best option then just elope but don’t mention it to your mom or else she will somehow bring in all her waterworks and your brother
NTA. If your mother isn’t capable of understanding you need your wedding about you and your husband only then she’s beyond reason. She can have a pretend wedding for him at another time. You don’t need to pass your most important life event over to him yet again.
Maybe he can wear a wedding dress
You should have the wedding YOU want. Don’t let anyone try to butt in.
Not at all. Stand fast and remind your mother, yet again, that this day is about you and your husband to be, no one else. You might also tell her, firmly, that you will not be discussing this issue anymore, and if she brings it up again, you will leave, or if at your place, she will leave. She’s trying to wear you down, and the only way to stop her is to refuse to engage.
NTA
OP. Sounds like you’ve decided to make boundaries. That is a very good thing. Think of the future as you figure them out. Make sure husband understands and is fully on your side.
Personally, I would elope and go on a dream vacation. No formal wedding, no big reception. But you do you. Be prepared for mom to sabotage you at the wedding.
Your mother needs THERAPY. She’s obviously still grieving the life she wanted for her son. In doing that she’s forgetting about the life her daughter leads. She’s making your brother a black hole. Everything gravitates around him and it’s really hard to fit anyone nearby to get out of that orbit.
It’s not fair to make your life about him, and her grief.
Elope. Go and have a celebration and holiday that you’ll love, that is only about you.
Tell your mother you will not be making ‘special roles’ for your brother anymore. She can go and buy two pet cats, put them in costumes and marry them off. Your brother can have a special role in that wedding, but not yours. Your life no longer revolves around him. If she’s deadset on making it revolve around him, go low contact. She’s not actually caring about you, she’s making you a pawn in her unresolved grief.
“Mom you don’t understand. Eloping means I’m getting married without any of you there. You can’t seem to grasp that this is one fucking day I want to be my own. You have forced me to revolve every major event about including my brother. I love him, but your entitled behavior has made me resent him.
If we elope, and again to remind you that you will not be attending nor will my brother, it’s going to be because you are so selfish to consider your other “forgotten child” also has needs. You clearly don’t give a shit about what I want or need. Or that I can just have one fucking thing without being forced to share it. I need some space from you. I will let you know if we decide to have a wedding or not. Thanks for sucking all the joy out of this special time in my life, though I’m not really surprised.”
NTA
You are NTA, but I don’t understand what she wants. Are his outbursts to the point where it would be better for him to not be at the ceremony? If he’d be at the ceremony then what special role is she looking for? No one besides the bride and groom have “special roles”, maybe if you count the procession and then your bro could maybe walk with your mom down the aisle? Is she thinking beyond that? groomsman? I’m half afraid from the strong reaction though, that your mom would have the officiant make a whole speech about him.
NTA – do not bend or let them break you!! You may very well have to un-invite them all. You do you, it’s your day not your brothers. Good luck!!
You and your fiance need to do each other a favor and go off to some place out of town and elope. Do a courthouse wedding or go out of town with a small group of friends and have a private ceremony. That’s the only way you two will have any peace away from your mother’s nagging.
Have brother walk mom in and be done.
Make him the ring barrier. Easy peasy and It will keep your mom quite and no long drama. No need to bring up the past, things won’t change and you need energy for other things.
Her nor my brother would be invited
Fly to Vegas!
NTA has his crap drives me crazy. Your brother should not be treat d differently because he has a disability. If he didn’t have a disability would they be making this demand? No? Then they shouldn’t be making this demand. This is YOUR wedding. He should be a guest and a guest only. I say all this a as the parent of one autistic child and one who had brain cancer as a preschooler and as a result has some disabilities. I would never try to make my daughters have him be the center of their wedding. It’s absurd.
Look at this as an opportunity to practice telling your mom “no.” It’s a good skill for a married woman to have. NTA
So sorry OP. Your mom is super infantizing your brother with this shit too. He doesn’t need a special role. He can be a guest. Also you say he’s fairly independent, so I’m not sure why it’s so 100% certain that he won’t ever marry? Disabled folks get married (well, have partners because marriage equality doesn’t exist in the US for disabled people) all the time, even more severe disabilities. I mean there’s a whole love on the spectrum show too, as far as emotional dysregulation.
Anyway sorry sidetracked. Point being- NTA. Your mom is. She’s being TAH to both of you, honestly, but especially to you for this once in a lifetime event.
Do you think she’ll make it a big deal with your brother? I’d have ideas ready if you find out she goes to him and tells him you don’t care about him or something, on what to assure him of (if you want to do that).
Your mom blows and I’d set a boundary. If she brings it up again, she’s disinvited. That’s harsh but she needs to fucking stop. If you’re not willing to go that far, find another thing like you won’t talk to her for a month or something if she brings it up again. You don’t need to keep hearing that.
“And if it were up to you, Mom, I see that “I” would never have my own special day either. Since once again, you want to take an opportunity to celebrate your only daughter, and celebrate your only son instead. He deserves your love and support in finding happiness in life. But so do I.”
And add “I am getting married, to a wonderful man. And things are going to be different from now on. My happy moments in life are no longer going to be forfeited to my brother. I love him. But my/our life gets to be a celebration of ME and my new husband now, and the life we create together.”
I hope she can see the error of her ways, and maybe eventually regain your trust enough to someday be a part of your most special life moments again (without having the need to hijack them and give them to your sibling). However well-intentioned her initial actions may have been in keeping him included back in the beginning, that train car has gone WAY off the rails and YOU have been the casualty. I’m so sorry OP.
Go play the lead role in your own life story. You’ve played “best supporting actress” for long enough. It’s your turn. Your wedding. Your life…This is YOUR chance! I wish you all the happiness in the world. 💕 Congratulations
NTA. Be sure to not have your mother give you any money to pay for any part of the wedding as she may try to use that as the bargaining chip to get your brother involved.
Weddings are stressful no matter how much you plan for. Do what you and your fiancé want to do for your wedding. (Congrats btw.)
The only ‘compromise’ I can think of that won’t take away from the wedding itself (which should focus on you and your fiancé), have your bother involved in the wedding shower. He could help keep things moving during the games, welcome guests and direct them where to go, or just be an extra set of hands should the bridesmaids need help.
Another simple thing to do, that won’t take away from you on your day is have him be a PA (Production Assistant) on your wedding day. He’d be a spectator at the wedding, yet he’d be ‘on call’ should the groomsmen, or bridesmaids need an extra set of hands for something.
My older siblings had similar roles. Neither stood up in my wedding. One was not into crowds and helped the groomsmen if they needed assistance and even helped with getting the itinerary cards on tables when we were setting up before any guests arrived.
The other was, for lack of a better description, my emotional support focal point. I knew I could over at them while walking down the aisle and seeing the joy on their face for my special day helped ease my nerves. Neither sibling had an official role, but what they did for me on my day made it that much better, without taking the focus off me.
Something to think about.
“Mum, at this point in time you will get to attend 1 of your children’s weddings. However, if you continue to push your agenda on MY wedding plans, you will not be present at ANY of their weddings. The decision is yours. Choose wisely as this is not a negotiation.”
Your mother doesn’t care if you get the wedding of your dreams or not, as long as he is involved. That is heartbreaking.
I wonder if she even realized that’s what she said, or if she’s so deep in “brother must share experiences he’ll never get” she just isn’t aware of how awful that actually is.
This is your day, make it your dream wedding, and if you have to.. don’t invite them to the actual wedding, but a reception type thing that he can be the centre of attention (as usual) at. But if those boundaries aren’t in place, this pattern will continue with your kids, if you choose to have them.
Congratulations. I hope you have a wonderful day, and a wonderful marriage beyond it.
Having your mom stay home with your brother and not be at the wedding or not to have a wedding is the only way you will get what you want. Your mom is so focused on your brother and his needs that she doesn’t care about yours. Can your dad talk sense into her?
NTA