The day before this went down, during the afternoon on New Year’s Eve, I (36M) proposed to my fiancé (29F). The plan for New Year’s Day was for the whole family (dad 56M; mom (57F); 3 sisters 34F/31F/29F; Grandparents (70’s); to get together to have our traditional Christmas dinner and do a family gift exchange afterward. It was my family’s first chance to congratulate my fiancé and I on our new engagement.
That morning, my fiancé and I get up and get ready. As we head out (to arrive early according to the start time we were given two days prior), I call ahead to let my family know we’re on our way. They tell me they’ve already started. No one called or texted to tell us the start time changed. No one reached out to ask where we were when the new start time came and went. They just started without us. Told us they forgot, and we were still welcome to come. I hung up and hit my knees. Up until this year my fiancé thought I had the most perfect, loving family. We were all close. I still don’t understand why they started without even reaching out to see if we were on our way.
We wound up going anyway, because we had gifts to give my nieces (9, 4) and nephew (7). When we arrived, everyone was there, including my aunt (late 40’s) who steals from my grandparents. That’s not an exaggeration. She literally steals money and property from my grandparents to fund her lifestyle. My fiancé will never ever get over the fact that someone went to pick up my aunt (she has no car) and make sure she was there on time, but no one even called or texted to give us the same courtesy. So, we arrived and ate cold food after everyone else had already long finished the own meal eaten together as a family. A bit after that, we exchanged gifts, and we left right after the gift exchange. We were not rude, but we were also not warm.
My mom and sisters did tell us when we arrived that they apologized for the oversight and should have texted us the new time. My father did not apologize. He pointed out that they didn’t start without us on purpose. We weren’t there when it was time to start, and that’s on us. Everyone else knew the new start time. Why didn’t we? The fact that I have all the text receipts showing that literally no one ever told me didn’t qualify as a good answer to that question. That day and ever since, my family’s take on this is we were unnecessarily rude, and we’re making a big deal out of nothing. To me, it’s not nothing. That meal and gift exchange was the only aspect of family Christmas I was getting when I hadn’t wanted to be left out of any aspect of family Christmas at all. It mattered a lot to me, and they knew that.
My fiancé and I have gone low contact, and don’t intend on going out of our way to mend things with them anytime soon.
AITAH?
Comments
You are making a big deal out of something small. Going low contact over this is ridiculous. You can be peeved about it for maybe a week, but any negative feeling this gives you is completely on you, especially as it has been three full months.
Also you say that you ate cold food, but you could have reheated it, so it sounds like you are actively trying to be more of a victim than you actually were.
Grow up.
NTA – It is always a horrible realization that your family is not as close as you thought it was. Your only mistake was to not turn around and not attend or actually SAY something when you got there. I understand that your parents have grandchildren they want to spoil, but you are their actual child, even if you are an adult. Congratulations on your engagement!
NTA. Your father’s excuse was bullshit and he fucking knows it. “No one told you but you should have magically known and it’s your fault you didn’t” is horseshit.
Me, I’d be petty and tell them the wrong date for the wedding then, when they show up a day late and a dollar short, tell them, “Well, you should have known the date changed, it’s your fault.”
But then, I don’t tolerate bullshit from my family and they know it, so they don’t treat me like this.
Forget to invite them to the wedding…you know, you thought they knew when it was…
Other than the one hateful comment I read, you have some very supportive perspectives here.
You and fiance are NTA, but I think you need to do more than “low contact”… start talking about your own traditions and who you’d be willing to include, discuss what this will mean for the wedding, are you planning to have your own children or child free and what will that mean for any contact in the future. Your “family” sounds dismissive and inconsiderate, so its going to be important for you both to be a united front against them.
Good luck with them, and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!!
NTA. I would also considering block them for a month or two. Let them realize that they need you more than you need them. And when it comes time for the wedding, They are all guests. No special dances with any of them, and they can sit with the rest of the guests.
These people don’t like you – and did all the things to show you just how little they value you.
Now that this has been unequivocally confirmed – you are free to build a chosen family with your fiance and friends.
Make your next Christmas special by doing things that you love – it will be the start of your traditions.
I’m sorry this happened and it’s understandably disheartening – especially when you wanted to celebrate an important milestone with them.
NC=protecting your peace. Being related doesn’t mean you have put up with this.
Congratulations on your engagement!
NTA
NTA both on the merits of this story alone and especially with the context of the linked story
NTA- your father’s being especially head in the sand.
You know I recommend sending the Emma the a post and the first one to your entire family, even the aunt who steals.
I would go full scorched Earth.
Heck, I would tell them that your fiance is pregnant and your baby will never know their maternal grandparents.
Just for fun
But I’m feeling a little bitter right now.
But I know how it feels like to be treated how you were. I was treated that way my entire childhood.
Just as less. I mean I’m willing to bet this isn’t the first time family preference as it might just be the first time you let yourself see it.
But look at it this way. You know who your real family is. And you know now to make your own holidays around your own family. You get to decide what traditions look like for your family.
Because I had similar family as yours, my traditions involve making a bunch of appetizery foods on Christmas Eve and watching die hard. And we play board games.
You’ve seen how your family treats you. They’re supposed to love you. But now you get to decide what your family is.
So you had a perfect relationship your family until they ate one single holiday meal without you and now you’re low contact and excluding them from wedding planning?
Sure, ok. Good luck with that. If you derive more joy from martyrdom than continuing your perfect, close familial relationships that’s your prerogative. I’m sure that attitude will carry you far in life.
Nope, NTA. Going low contact is a good idea, protect your own peace OP. I’m really sorry that you were treated as an afterthought. I know how that feels, I used to move mountains in order to be at the family Thanksgiving (which always revolved around my sister’s blended family). To that end, we ALWAYS, from the beginning of time, had the family event the Sunday prior to actual Thanksgiving day. I arranged my out of town work schedule to accomodate, so that I could be there. They decided to change the date because they managed to get coveted sports tickets for the planned date of our gathering. When I told them I could not change my work schedule at that point, and would have to miss if the change was made, I was told “If it is important to you, you’ll make it happen.” After that, for probably 15 years, I planned a nice vacation for myself over the family Thanksgiving date. Made some great memories too. You and your fiance should do the same.
Nta. But that was your “punishment” for being disrespectful to your c u next tuesday sister. Your family sucks dude. Go make your own family with your fiance. Don’t even invite yours to your wedding your sister will just spoil it for you
Pretty hard to believe it was an over site since it seems you’d also be celebrating your engagement with them. So they forgot about your news too? Oops sorry doesn’t cut it.
Do you detect other underlying issues, jealousy, dislike of your fiancee, you’re the black sheep of the family, rudeness etc?
It just seems they needed to clearly demonstrate to the two of you how unimportant you are to them. Can this be possible?
NTA but you need to ensure your own peace and not tolerate their bullshit. Keep them on a strict diet of any info regarding your life and wedding. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. They will continue this bullshit and not apologize until you show them some real consequences.
Distance yourself and don’t spend the holidays with them anymore!
Spend more time with your fiancé’s family or your friends or just the two of you if he behaves this way with you it’s better to build your own family!
If he remembers the aunt but not their own sons what has a big problem is your mother this excuse that she doesn’t remember you!
When she sits at the table with her other children, she doesn’t know whether she needs one of her children at the table? It doesn’t make sense when you have the whole family but one of your children is not present and you automatically think of him because it’s your children who you gave birth to!
Congratulations on your engagement!
But I’m sure that for the wedding they want to be present and get involved in the wedding preparations, am I wrong?
Your dad is truly a turd sandwich. He and I are the same age. There is no way we’d ever start dinner without all my kids present. Unless there was an issue, and they insisted we start without them.
You should go ‘No Contact’ with your family. Low contact isn’t going to convey the message you want to send.
NTA
Congratulations on your engagement, but your family sucks though my dude. At this point I would suggest just starting your own holiday tradition focused around you and your fiancée (I think that’s the correct spelling?) you said yourself that the get together was important because to your mom because it’s a family get together but they made no effort to include you.
NTA. They deliberately left you out and your father’s response was ridiculous.
NTA you were an over sight and now you are the problem.
They purposely didn’t include you and your partner in the new plans.
Time to accidentally forget to send a wedding invite and elope. If they moan, just say oh it was on you to find out when it was meant to be 🤷
A) Your dad sounds like a prick who – while he likely had zero involvement in or influence on any of the work being done – just HAD to insert his opinion and act as though he was in a position of some authority when it came to the festivities… fucking sad. 😹
B) Your mum should’ve known better.
Is there a question in either post?
This is meant to be a judge the poster sub, not a vent one.
NTA, not o ku did they not tell you when you hadn’t arrived in time god the nee time there was no “where are you?” Call or text
This feels deliberate to me