My wife had her knee replaced at the end of July, a few days after our second wedding anniversary. We are gay, just FYI.
Leading up to the surgery, she would comment things like, “Oh well if you can’t do this [insert random tasks] then I’m just going to have to postpone my surgery because I can’t trust you to take care of me”. I sensed that this was more of a controlling threat than a real concern, but gave her the benefit of the doubt and tried to complete the task to her specifications. She’s a perfectionist, so it’s not uncommon for her to tell me everything I did wrong.
Now, I’m working a new job that is at a pretty intense point. I only had two full days of PTO saved, which I used for her day of and day after surgery. I work 40 hours a week. Her sister agreed to take care of her when I’m at work.
After her operation, she obviously has more needs. I do my best to cater to her needs, but I feel like she sets me up for failure.
For example, she will give me a set of tasks that seem simple and straightforward, but she changes. For example, “I need the bathroom, get me a rag to wash up, and the dog needs to go outside”. If I start following her to the bathroom, she criticizes me that the dog needs to go outside so she doesn’t have an accident in the house. If I take the dog out first, I’m criticized for not following her to the bathroom, because she needs to be safe and be followed.
I am also “hateful” for getting her middle of the night medications ready for her at bedside and setting her alarm to wake her up to take them. Instead, wife says I need to set my own alarm, go get her pills out of the bottle, wake her up and give them to her.
I already have to get up with her every time she needs the bathroom, so I really just need the sleep.
The shit hit the fan when I asked if we could get someone to stay the night sometime soon, just so I can get a good night’s sleep, which I have not had since the surgery. Just one night sometime soon.
She responded that I am not taking good care of her, so the next day she was going to report to the physical therapist that she was not safe at home and that she should report it to my licensing board as well. (I’m in social services, so that could seriously damage my brand new career).
I’m tired of the threats and the constant criticism. I know she’s in a vulnerable place, but I can’t stand how she’s treating me. Before her surgery I asked if we could try couples counseling so we could communicate better, but she refused. She’s also not on any mind-altering medications due to allergies.
So…
AITAH for planning on leaving my wife 5-6 weeks after her knee replacement?
Comments
NTA but I’d explain the situation with your boss in case she goes through with sabotaging your career
Damn. Based on what you said, I’m like, “Why wait?” That’s shit behavior. You deserve better.
No, you’re not the a**hole. You are, however, in an emotionally abusive relationship. You can’t force her to go to couple’s counseling but you can go to therapy on your own. You should take her threats about reporting you to your licensing board seriously and consult an attorney.
NTA – you’re being generous giving her the 5-6 weeks. Give your work the heads up and ring the physio for her on your way out the door 👋
Leave right now.
NTA but tell your boss about the threats she made
NTA Why wait five to six weeks. You need to go now. She is always treated you like this, it’s not the knee surgery that’s making her like this. Do not tell her toxic, abusive ass that you are leaving. If you want to you can arrange care for her, but I wouldn’t.
Why wait? Just leave. Inform her sister so they can set up appropriate care – she may need to go into a rehab facility for a couple of weeks.
NTA
I’m not sure how you made it this far with her. She sounds like an emotional vampire that just wants to make you miserable. At this point you need to focus on taking care of you. You’re a good person that deserves better than this in life. How do I know you’re a good person? You’re more concerned about your manipulative, abusive, possibly narcissistic wife than you are about your own well being.
Make sure all of your important things are in a safe place she cannot access. Documents, passport, birth certificate, credit cards, etc. Family heirlooms too. Basically anything you would be distraught if it disappeared forever. Lock down your credit with the credit bureaus so she cant open accounts in your name. Change all your passwords except for something that is meaningless or would tip her off to your plans ( change banking passwords but leave Netflix alone).
Consult with a divorce lawyer in your area and find out what your next steps are, both legally and financially.
Good luck to you and may you find the happiness you deserve.
When people show you who they are; believe them. Get your things in order, protect your assets and move on.
Duuude, NTA. That is really fucked up. If I were you, I’d take steps ASAP to file for a divorce once you get all of your ducks in a row. And please inform your work of the threats.
Well!!! She’s an unhappy person. You are never going to do everything, or anything right at the moment. Was she like this before the operation?
Wow-she’s an abusive jerk. Run. Run far away.
Has she always been this way? How long were you together before you got married? Time to leave and take the other posters advice about locking down your credit and assets etc. Divorce is hard enough as it is but dealing with a narcissistic gaslighter is awful. Find a lawyer that has dealt with these kinds of situations before.
Time to get out if this abusive marriage
Nta what is she 70 or older. Had my knee replaced at 65 never needed any help after the second day totally healed by 4 weeks
NTA. She’s ungrateful and the way she’s been treating you even before surgery is unacceptable. You’ve been more than patient.
NTA, and I’m glad you’re not just bailing out without making sure you’re protected. Doesn’t matter gay, straight, or martian — she is abusive AF! Make sure to get her doctor and PT involved in this so that they are aware of her behavior; they may be able to start intervening before you bail out. And you will never be able to win with her, so just do things in the order that you think is appropriate. Keep leaving her overnight meds out for her; she’s a grownup, she can take that responsibility. Have her sister stay overnight with her at some point so you can sleep, preferably at a hotel where she cannot bother you — you need sleep as much as she does! Start putting up the emotional borders so that her behavior starts affecting you less; that’s a matter of your survival. Plus it will probably have the added benefit of making her crazy that she can’t make you crazy. Let your boss know what is going on, including the plan to leave and her threats to torpedo you; that way you’re covered.
Prayers to you, go be happy with someone who actually loves you!
I’ve had knee replacement surgery on both knees. After a week and a half I was on my own. If no stairs are involved she’s milking it.
NTA. She’s a piece of work. She’s a grown woman quite capable of getting her own pills. She’s had knee surgery, not lost the use of her hands. How did you ever end up married to this person?!
If she feels she’s not safe at home and getting the proper care then maybe her sister should come and get her! Don’t feel you have to wait the 5-6 weeks, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
NTA, you need some counseling for yourself at least. You may need to set some boundaries.
What does your spouse do for work?
NTA. Speak to your management team now, just to head off any claims she has. Leave now though. Her demands are definitely setting you up. You can’t win as she keeps changing the goalposts. She’s safe at home, you’re being subjected to her emotional abuse though
NTA
She’s abusive
I think you are right to give her the 5-6 weeks. You have every right and reason to leave, but you come across as a decent and caring person, and I think you would feel guilt and shame if you were to leave while she physically needs help. You don’t need that. When she is able to manage for herself, you are truly free, and I wish you the best of luck.
NTA. This is psychological torture.
Protect your sanity.
Protect your assets, money, home, and revisit beneficiary info.
NTA. It sounds as if you’ve been putting up with this for far too long. You hear of all sorts of stories where a partner tells their partner (just covering all the relationship types) to do something e.g folding towels and putting them away then complains that it’s not done “right.” In reality, it’s just different to how the person asking does it and they’re annoyed, despite the towels being folded neatly and put away,
Compile ALL of your evidence before you tell her you’re leaving. In the short term, think of anything in the house that’s yours that has sentimental value. The last thing you need is “hostages” she can use as manipulation leverage on you. If she tries any kind of smear campaign on you, talk to a lawyer to see what your options are. Usually in a situation like that, a “cease and desist” letter with a law firm’s letterhead will stop her and/or the flying monkeys coming after you. If not, there’s always restraining orders
Some people aren’t happy unless they’re miserable. Get all your ducks in a row. New credit cards in your name she knows nothing about. All online accounts set up 2FA so she can’t sabotage your money and credit. Get some Cash squirreled away. Savings in an account at a new bank unknown to her. Remove your sentimental items before announcing your split. Leave contact numbers for home health care. Pay a couple months in advance for your bills so she can’t claim you left an invalid homeless.
NTA My partner had knee replacement surgery in December and I took care of him. He really didn’t need much help after the first week. A physical therapist came to teach him how to do stairs, use a walker, then a cane. I made sure he was steady when he walked around at first but he was fine on his own. He didn’t need help with hygiene at all. I made sure towels and wash cloths were easily in reach by the sink.
There is no reason your wife can’t set her own alarm and take her meds. It’s now August 10th and you said she had her surgery at the end of July, so it’s got to be at least 10 days post op. Other than needing rides to appointments or help doing laundry there’s no reason she needs you to wait on her. It sounds like she’s being controlling and emotionally abusive.
Also, if she’s “not safe at home” then she needs to get her ass placed in a physical rehab center/skilled nursing facility. Let her recover there and see how good she had it at home
Edited to add: she’s not a child or an invalid. She had knee replacement surgery. What exactly could the PT tell your licensing board? Why would the PT even do that? I’ve been a nurse for 37 years and have a pretty good idea of what is reportable and what is just bs. Even if you’re not a nurse it would be about the same. You’re not abusing her and she’s not totally impaired. You are not neglecting her. She can put her pills in a pill minder (plastic case with days and times on it) and set her own alarm.
NTA. You’re being generous staying that long.
For a knee surgery it’s medically advised you do as much as possible on the knee to keep it moving. I got told not to sit about or it would heal around the joint and cause problems. Yes it hurts like hell but that’s what the pills are for but both myself and a work colleague who had both knees replaced were back at work within 3-4 weeks.
emotional abuse and manipulation IS STILL ABUSE.
If a woman that horrible refuses counseling then you really don’t have much to say besidess “Who wants to get the attorney ad get the divorce started”. There is absolutely no reason for a person to be thiss much of a bitch to you. I wouldn’t care at all about her care from this point forward and tell her she should hire someone to watch her because you’re done being her whipping boy. Get your own place and let someone else deal with this bitch.
NTA Consult an attorney
If you can gather evidence of her threats and abuse.
Talk to your attorney about they threats on sabotaging your career and see if they recommend talking to your boss about it
Being vulnerable doesn’t justify being abusive
NTA. You already started recording interactions, so you know what you need to do for yourself. Find an attorney. Good luck🤞🏻.
It’s hard to blame you for wanting to leave. Was she this critical and miserable before the surgery? Sometimes people get surprisingly snappy and irritable when they’re in pain and dependent on someone else. Do you think this will pass or were you unhappy enough to leave 2 months ago? Her threats are disturbing and sound viscous. That’s a serious flaw in her character and indicates some narcissistic/controlling/manipulative tendencies. Nobody deserves to feel constantly criticized and set up for failure, so I doubt you’re gonna be happy in this marriage.. I don’t blame you for planning to leave. I probably would be thinking about the exit, too.
I knew someone who lived alone who got knee surgery. She was on her own within a week or two. She used a side walker to stand up from the bed and crutches and a walker to get around. The crutches are hard for a few days or a week until you develop the right arm/shoulder muscles and the right balance and then it gets easier. She could drive within a month. My own spouse got arthroscopic knee surgery and walked a little that same day. He was taking care of himself by the next day and could drive within a couple weeks. I don’t understand why she’s so dependent 5-6 weeks out, unless she had major reconstruction or she’s intentionally demanding a level of care she doesn’t really need, just to be controlling and demanding. She probably likes being waited on hand and foot and doesn’t want to give that up. Make the arrangements for an overnight helper for a night so you can get a good night’s sleep. Don’t tell her until that day and don’t take her no for an answer. It’s not negotiable that you need a decent night’s sleep. You need to keep your job!
In the meantime, ask for extreme specifics from her. If she asks for meds and the dog, stop and ask her which one she wants you to do first. If she tells you to do a task, ask exactly how she wants it done so you don’t get it wrong. She’ll probably get annoyed and stop micromanaging you as much, but you’re making it clear that she’s the problem of missed expectations and you’re trying to do what she wants. She might even get nastier, which will make your decision easier.
Starting now, lay out her nighttime pills in a little bowl on her nightstand and ask her to set her alarm to wake up to take them. She’s not so disabled that she can’t set an alarm and wake up. She’s not an invalid.K Remind her that you two need your income to keep paying the bills. Make sure she’s getting up and becoming more independent every day, especially to get to the bathroom and back.
Call a divorce lawyer and start that conversation with ‘what if?’ Also call a therapist and go on your own. A therapist should be a good listener and work with you to figure out what you need to do that’s best for you. Having those conversations in parallel will help you to decide to stay to try to make it work, wait and see if it gets better, or just leave now.
Note: If you go see the divorce lawyer in person, make sure your wife doesn’t have location tracking on your phone. Otherwise, meet the lawyer in a neutral place or do the meeting via FaceTime and then delete the history of the call.
I agree with giving the boss a heads up on her potential false complaints. Document this, even if you just make a note of the threat and the date. Being shortly after surgery and being stressed and in pain, there’s not much credibility to that. Only if needed, you warn her off a false claim against you by letting her know you have recordings of her saying she’s safe. Do not disclose the recording(s) unless you have to as just knowing they exist will likely enrage her. I’d be taking more of them.
I wish you good luck. Send us an update!
My mom had knee replacement surgery (both knees). She was told by her doctors and therapist to go back to her normal routine in a week. There were obviously exercises to do, but it was made clear that she is not supposed to rest all the time.
How long ago was the surgery? I had both knees done at once and was ok to be alone at home after about 2 weeks (no lift chair and with both knees done at once getting up off couch was challenging) but it was probably 3 weeks before I was left alone for several hours. I kept track of what meds I needed to take and when (I think there were 6 or 7 and they had different frequencies – ex every 4 hours, every 6 hours). I couldn’t drive for several weeks, but would go grocery shopping after a few weeks.
She seems rather needy and demanding unless the surgery was only a week or so ago. While it is not a fun surgery and you do need a lot of support the first couple of weeks, she seems miserable and demanding. NTA for leaving.
Wow, I had 2x a knee replacement and could do almost everything myself 2 days after surgery. I must have been so lucky. Or maybe your wife is taking advantage of you. NTA.
Why are you with this person? She sounds absolutely miserable.
Toxic. Why wait? Leave now.
I don’t know…I think you should take into account pain and the emotional distress of having to rely on someone like that. I had to take care of my wife after a surgery and went through some similar things. Maybe think about being patient, and revisiting what is going on after her health improves. Perhaps you aren’t a good fit. But who they are while recovering from surgery isn’t the best point to judge them.
NTA. This is not a permanent disability or severe illness where there might be a question. She had a common surgery with a recovery period that should be over as far as caregiving is concerned. Contact an attorney on Monday. You do not want her filing first.
NTA to be honest she sounds very abusive and on some kind of power trip. Has she always been this way ? If not maybe it the pain meds made her go loopy. It sounds like you have made up your mind. I would let work know and then contact a lawyer. She is not going to take this well.
This is so much bullshit, I had my second knee replacement in October and I didn’t need any of this. You are not discharged from hospital until you can demonstrate going up and down a few steps.
Her hands work, she can get her own pills, set her own alarm and go to the bathroom alone. The only supervision I needed was up and down stairs as ours are steep and wonky as it’s an old farmhouse.
I could prep food sitting then stand to cook, moving around was encouraged. I sat on a stool in the shower so needed no help there.
I am about to have my 2nd shoulder replaced on 22nd and will need a bit of help ghen as I will be strapped in a sling for 4 weeks but a knee? Ridiculous, this is abusive and controlling. NTA
My 80 year old dad had both knees replaced and didn’t make any drama or need to be followed to the toilets, I think he’d have had an issue if we even tried! It sounds like your wife is trying to set you up for failure, so she can admonish you for her own satisfaction.