I have one son with my ex-wife and three kids with my current wife. My oldest is nineteen. The other kids are 13, 12 and 6. All boys except for the 12 year old. My oldest traveled overseas during summer break, but there was a two week period where he was at school but had no class and no commitments, and he wanted us to come visit him.
I said that we would go, and when I told my wife she was annoyed I committed without asking her. I said we didn’t have plans. She said I couldn’t know that for sure without asking her. I said if there are plans I don’t know about surely that means she made a commitment without asking me. That argument fizzled out. However she later informed me were invited to go on a trip with some friends that would overlap and she wanted to go on the trip. I said we already had plans, she said she never agreed to the plans, and the argument resumed.
Eventually I said she could do whatever she wanted, but the kids and I were going to fly out to visit my son. I said it’s important for them to spend time together, so they continue to have a good relationship now that he’s an adult and we probably won’t see him as much. She said I know she hates California (where his school is) and it’s insensitive for me to just assume she’s okay with going. I told her if she doesn’t want to go, don’t go. I’ll go alone with the kids.
She didn’t want that, and the fight got intense, so I said we should ask the kids what they want to do. When we asked the kids she really talked up her vacation plan and poo-pooed going to California, but the kids wanted to see their brother. She still didn’t want me to take them after that, and we continued to argue about it right up until the kids and I left. We had a great trip.
Ever since we returned from the trip she has been frosty towards me. Last week she dropped the bombshell of wanting to do couple’s counseling. I agreed, and we just found someone and made an appointment for September. All my friends say the counseling is a bad sign, the divorced and married alike. I guess I just want to know what I’m in for. Am I going to go in and immediately get roasted for my actions?
Ultimately I love my wife and I love my kids, and I want my kids to have a good relationship with each other. Is that so bad?
Comments
I think you made the right decision. Your children come first, always. Your wife has to learn she can’t throw a hissy fit and get her own way all the time. Counselling is a good idea, if you get a good counsellor, they will explain this to her. If you’re not getting with the counsellor, try a different one. You BOTH have to feel comfortable and heard by this person. Best of luck
YTA for commiting to travelling without asking your wife
You have your priorities straight. If you have a good therapist, they might uncover why your wife was fighting you every step of the way until you left on your trip. You might not like what’s at the root of it.
NTA, but it seems like your wife and you have some work ahead of you on how to communicate yiur wants and needs to each other and to hear the other person. Good luck.
YTA for assuming.
NTA for wanting to see your son with all your kids, especially if the younger ones want to go too.
But you ARE the asshole for not communicating with your wife before deciding. Unless she hates your eldest, then she probably would’ve been okay with the California trip. Unfortunately, now that you’ve disrespected her she may feel the need to “punish” you.
Please just talk. You’re old enough to have a 19yo, you should damn well be old enough to have a productive & loving conversation with your wife.
ETA: Her behavior kinda sucks too, if I’m taking your perspective as truth. But, again, dude you started it
Your wife was hoping his being an adult would erase your oldest from the family dynamic. She’s mad you still want to be an involved parent to him. NTA
I see what others are saying about committing without discussing but this is your kid and that feels like an excuse to me esp with her follow- up behavior
NTA. Your kids wanted to go see their brother and thats what matters the most. Is she upset that her kids have relationship with their step-brother? Cause to me its amazing your kids like each other but she’s so against it. In the end, you didnt force them to go, they wanted to go so if she’s still upset, maybe tell her why is she so against your kids doing what THEY wanna do and not what SHE wants to do, because they are their own beings. Your communication seems to suck so its good you will have someone to talk to, just dont turn it into blaming contest.
Edit: you both are asuming things and not talking, you need to work on that before you start hating each other
ESH. You both seem to completely lack respect for each other’s time, and you both are severely lacking in communication. Her statement about checking with her before committing to plans is correct. You BOTH should be checking with EACH OTHER before committing to plans. Of course, it was hypocritical of her to make that statement if she also has a habit of not checking with you, but that doesn’t make that statement any less true.
And then, you both seemed to sink into this petty, passive aggressive action of making plans and trying to sound indifferent to the other’s plans and swaying your kids in your own directions.
Honestly, couples counseling may not be a bad idea because it sounds like you both need a lot of help in communicating with each other.
Couples therapy is not a bad sign..in fact I would consider it a good sign – your wife wants to resolve this ongoing conflict.
NAH, just different and competing needs and priorities. A good therapist will help you sort through them.
And will probably tell you not to smear your marital issues all over reddit’s walls like a toddler with a shitty diaper.
You are the AH. You and your wife should have made the plans together.
Has she ever shown that she doesn’t like your son? I assume she thinks that now that he’s an adult she won’t have to see him and you won’t have to contribute child support anymore.
NTA
ESH
You’re not wrong for prioritising your children’s relationship with each other
But you also need to consider you’re in a committed relationship with your wife
You should have at least discussed it before agreeing to go, even if the outcome was going to be the same
It’s just courteous and demonstrates that you value your wife and her I out and aren’t making unilateral decisions without consulting her
ESH. You should not have committed to a big trip without talking to your wife first. She shouldn’t have thrown hissy fits about you wanting the kids to have a good relationship. My thinking is that she doesn’t see your oldest as part of “her” family and she might resent having to deal with your “leftovers” from your first marriage. Just a guess.
I’m actually surprised and relived that the younger kids really wanted to see their older brother. That’s kind of refreshing after all the horror half-sibling hate stories. That’s the only part where you come out good here. It’s great that you’re encouraging that relationship and that they seem to want that too. Don’t let your wife poison it.
See that’s the problem with making more than one woman the mother of your children. He isn’t hers, therefore his needs are not a priority & certainly less than that of her biological children. When you stepped away from your role as your ex wife’s husband/father to your son & had children with her, she expected you to maintain the standard of her over him. Now it’s become a ‘Now that he’s an adult situation’, pivoting from her & you’re wondering why you have issues. You earned them.
Sounds like you married someone really immature. Anyone who considers divorce because you took your kids to visit your other son is being overdramatic and has some other issues.
My guess is either she wants to cut out your other son altogether and is upset you’re pushing back on that or she can’t stand being the center of attention and the idea of you doing something she doesn’t agree with is just too much for her.
Either way she has some major red flags you should probably address in couples counseling.
NTA
I feel like if it wasn’t a step child that this wouldn’t be a fight, and for that reason, your wife is an ass hole. At this point after a long marriage and blended family it’s ass hole behavior to treat your son not as one of her own.
Your wife seems to think she gets to make ultimatums, and everyone in the family is supposed to dance. She made plans, she didn’t want to go, and she didn’t go—her problem is that the rest of you didn’t listen to her demands and enjoyed yourselves without her, and that she demanded you make a choice and you did. You choose correctly. Ask her in counseling why it’s not ok for you to make a decision for the family when SHE doesn’t want it, but it’s perfectly ok in her eyes for her to make a decision for the family when YOU don’t want it?
So she tried to sway the kids and they still wanted to see their brother. Your wife is the AH.
Yes, obviously YTA for committing to an overseas trip for the entire family without even talking to your wife first. That is not the type of decision or commitment you make in a marriage without input from your spouse.
You’re also the AH for taking your kids on the trip against your wife’s wishes. Really, does she get any say in this sort of thing? Or is it just what you say goes?
How is couples therapy a bombshell after that? You seem to have no respect for her, either as a wife or mother. I think couples therapy, at a minimum, should have been expected after you pulled a stunt like that.
Has your wife always been so selfish? Are there other signs that she is in crisis, having an affair, been a careless parent?
Is there a chance that you always disrespect, ignore or get your way and she has finally had enough of your bossiness?
Something is wrong here because it is not normal behaviour in a parent.
NTA for taking the kids alone, and offering to let her go to her preferred destination gives her some time to relax by herself. Ask her if she thinks the counselor will help you both work on yourselves to grow together, or if she wants to pay someone to tell you she is right. It sounds like she wants you to apologize for sticking to your plans and not canceling on your oldest.
It sounds like your wife doesn’t have any interest in your son and doesn’t want you or your children going she can make plans without you having to say, but you can’t do otherwise goes to show her character and wanting to control the situation like I said I don’t feel she has any interest in spending any time with your eldest child And to me that’s a problem she’s trying to cause a riff between you and your oldest in my opinion for the simple fact that she is making a big deal that you want to go with the kids
ESH. You both lack proper communication and partner skills. She knows you have a 19 year old who may need a visit. But you committed without talking. But I have an issue she has more of an issue with your 19 year old.
Your wife needs to get over herself
NTA I would say that the counselor will roast her for her actions. Children always come first.
Your friends are wrong in your case. Yes, couples who need counseling are more likely to be on their way out. BUT, in your case, it seems like you two are pretty bad at communicating with one another. Marriage counseling could actually benefit the two of you and give you both the communication tools and aptitude that you both lack.
The only thing that matters in this whole situation is that the younger siblings WANTED to go on this trip to visit their brother. Had they not, would you have gone alone to see your son and allowed them to go on the trip their mother wanted? I have a feeling you would have. Your wife sounds very emotionally immature to be honest. “I hate California, I couldn’t possibly spend even a moment there to spend time with my step son”…. 5 years later, the 12 year old gets accepted to a Cali school, guess who’s Mommy is going to go with their child when they go away to school in California to move them into their dorm, visit during parent weekend, etc? Yep. Your wife. Guaranteed. She’s TA here.
You made the right choice. The wife made the wrong one.
Kind of the asshole but so is she. You should have asked her before committing to going a weekend long trip that you expect her to be part of, she said she could have had plans and you replied “you also can’t make plans without consulting me” which is a far statement up to a point. She could have plans to meet people for lunch or busy week at work or something. Not massively important but the idea that she should drop her plans because you decided on an out of state trip is an asshole move. But she should not try to stand in the way of her children spending time with their brother and trying to manipulate the kids into picking her choice is definitely an asshole move. So is sulking.
You 💯 made the right choice, and your wife is definitely 💯 the AH. And a big, narcissistic one. She’s made this all about herself, and not about your son, or the kids you have together. Forget counseling, cut your losses, and get out now. Your kids will be better for it.
I could never keep my children from their half sibling, nor would I want to. It’s extremely self centered.
Basically what it is, is that your wife doesn’t like your kid from your first marriage. She doesn’t want you spending time or putting an effort into having a relationship with him. She doesn’t see he being part of the family. And because you didn’t do what she wanted now she is using counseling as a means to make you feel like you put your marriage in jeopardy for wanting and going to visit your son and she is acting like you cause her to want a divorce.
Otherwise, you may have other issues going on in your marriage that you haven’t mentioned in your post and that could be the reason. But you if you don’t have other huge issues then she is doing all this to put pressure on you for not doing what she wanted. Make sure the marital counselor is partial and listen to both sides and try work with both of you. Not all marital counseling is the same and same can be pretty on sided.
Yta divorce should be on the table for you for her alienating your son. Boooooooo you should be excited for couples counselling after she just tried that stunt.
I hope someone is there to stand up for your son and call a spade a spade with your wife.
She probably never liked your son which is why she didn’t go and didn’t want you or her kids to go. You should be thinking of this. She’s angry that you went. She’s angry that you still love your kid. She’s angry that you wanted to spend time with him. Bring that up in counseling and listen to her reaction. That will tell you all you need to know.
ESH.
The relationship hierarchy is spouse, children, parents.
You leave your parents to be with your spouse, then you and your spouse have kids and they in turn leave you to be with their own spouses leaving you alone with the person you started it all with.
Now, I understand her but just like you said, she never told you about those plans at all so you both “messed” up.
Fortunately or unfortunately, kids are more understanding than spouses.
NTA
You are prioritizing your kids including your first born from a previous marriage.
Your wife sounds like she dislikes your oldest and doesn’t want her kids to have a relationship with him.
Be prepared for divorce. You might love her, but she should not be a higher priority over your kids, including your eldest son.
NTA
Has your wife treated your son different than her kids? Been more begrudging towards him? Little things you dismissed?
It’s kinda reading that she expected your son to not have as big of a part in your life once he went to college. She viewed the obligation of custody as now over and you can now be a family of 5.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You wanted to go, your kids wanted to go, and her whole reason not to go was *checks note* California. And it sounds like she went so far as to make competing plans in order to ensure you guys didn’t go see your son.
I don’t think you’re about to get roasted. I do think you might find out that your wife doesn’t really like the 19 year old and thought she was rid of him.
ESH
Both of you made plans without even discussing with the other, and neither of you communicate at all, or even seem to like each other even a little bit
This “relationship” sounds pretty over
She does suck slightly more because family is more import than a friend trip…but you still suck, and worst part is you both put the kids in the middle of your fight and hatred fro each other
Couples counseling is absolutely necessary…if only to figure out how to treat the kids right and how you will co parent after the divorce
Do the counselling. Wife clearly needs a wake up call, maybe this therapist will give it to her.
NTA. your priorities are right where they should be. Hers? not so much. her willingness to disregard your 19 year old is quite telling. Has she always tried to exclude/back-burner him? worth thinking about in preparation for the appointment y’all have coming up.
Definitely. She is going to paint you out to be a controlling asshole who never takes her feelings into consideration. She’s going to lie her selfish ass off in that room. Good luck brother. You did the right thing by going to see your son.
It may be the cynic in me, but it seems like your wife is happy that your son’s finally gone and it’s just your family and she doesn’t want to continue that relationship with him and encouraging it as bad in her eyes
ESH –
Your intent in keeping your children’s connection alive with their brother is laudable but the way you went about it is horrible. Your wife should have been involved with the decision making up front.
Your wife’s attempts to disrupt the plans was also not good. I don’t see any acknowledgement in this post that she agreed with your goal of keeping the sibling ties tight or if she just had a different method to do so in mind.
Nowhere in your post do I read about you and your wife working together to resolve the issue in a way that everyone can live with. What I read in the post is a lot of adversarial communication and not a lot of cooperation.
Your post is not a description of successful problem resolution and good communication.
Couples counselling could help you and your wife gain new tools to help resolve conflicts like this but both you and your wife would be required to admit that you can and should do better and commit to trying to improve. Couples counsellors teach tools, and provide guidance but when it comes down to it, it takes the people in the relationship to want to do the work, to commit to doing the work and actually doing the work.
She refused to let her kids see their brother and didn’t want you to see your son because she hates a state?
Even if it wasn’t the best state in the union that alone would make her the AH. But actively trying to turn the kids against you because she hates a state is insane.
You made a commitment for the whole family without discussing it with your wife. That is AH behavior. Your reasons for taking the trip are admirable as is you letting your wife off the hook to do her thing.
Her AH behavior was not letting it go once she was satisfied with the outcome and able to take her trip.
Go to counseling and work to improve your communication. If you both do the work, you will end up in a better place. Many people wait too long to get help and by then there is too much hurt and damage to repair the relationship.
Does your wife have a bad relationship with your oldest?
NTA because I don’t understand her pushback.
But YTA for putting your other kids in the middle by asking them in the middle of the fight to pick a side.
Holy crap bud your wife is one hell of an entitled spoiled brat. I can’t even imagine throwing a fit and fighting like this over a father and siblings visiting their son/brother. To go as far as to suggest couples counseling because she didn’t get her way is just madness to me.
When you do go to counseling stay calm, lay out your argument in a sensible timeline and do not react to the brats outbursts. Think of it as you and the spoiled one sitting down with a friend. Each of you give your side of a certain issue or disagreement and the friend who is neutral gives their opinion on not so much who was right or wrong, but on how the 2 of you can better communicate and decide on conclusions without doing what y’all just did over this subject.
Good luck to you bud, the entitlement is strong with this one, you’re going to need it. NTA btw, I more than agree that you did the right thing. Oh and I also find it funny that this trip came up AFTER you said you were going to see your son and pointing out that your family had no other plans. Pretty convenient. I’m very interested in what these “friends” had to say about the situation when your wife was bitching to them about you – if she told them the truth.
You shouldn’t have committed to visiting your son as a family without discussing it with your wife. You both shouldn’t have involved your other kids the way you did, you should’ve been adults in deciding what was best, but if you involve your kids, you both should accept their choice with support. Other than that, your wife is the AH.
Regarding therapy, assuming you have a legit one and you’re both open minded and want to improve your relationship, you’ll both learn how to communicate better and also maybe uncover other resentment that’s built up. Be prepared to hear hard things and be prepared to talk openly and honestly about your feelings. Your wife saying couples therapy is needed shows she possibly doesn’t feel comfortable working through what happened without a professional. She maybe doesn’t want it to happen again. Surely she thinks you’re in the wrong but that’s somewhat irrelevant. Being right and wrong shouldn’t be a focus of yours or hers. Also wanting a therapist involved could be because of how you or her have handled conflict in the past, but if your goal is to improve your relationship, unless it’s a horrible therapist or your wife is a horrible person, you will get positive things out of therapy. Also remember therapists are people too, they’re wrong sometimes.
ESH
Counseling is a sign you recognize there is a problem and you’re both committed to finding a solution. Marriage counseling is not Judge Judy. You’re not each going to present your side then be told who was correct. You’ll, hopefully, unpack the underlying issues, address how you each felt and get down into the why, and work out a plan to each behave better.
You both made mistakes regarding this situation. You need to both acknowledge that and not take the attitude that one was being selfish and the other was being selfless. Commit to working together and whether your marriage becomes stronger or you decide to separate, you’ll be taking smart steps with the best interests of your children in mind.
If the therapist seems like they are setting up a win/lose interaction, find another one.
Your wife is always going to frame it as a choice between her and your son. This won’t be the only incident. Everytime you want to spend time with your son it’s going to be an issue.
People who see counseling as a bad sign are usually mixing up cause and effect. It’s good that she wants to go to counseling because it means she wants to improve your relationship.
Honestly, I would be shocked if this is the only reason she wants to go. It’s rarely just one thing. So don’t assume that this will be what you discuss in therapy.
But ultimately, I think this should be something you look forward to. It sounds like your wife was being completely unreasonable and needs a bit of a wake-up call.
If it was plans for you and the kids, NTA. If you committed her to something without asking YTA
Wife is grotesque
Your wife wanted to pretend your oldest didn’t exist. For that she’s a complete ah. Could you have asked her before committing to the trip, of course. However, she just prolonged the argument in the hopes you’d give in and not go see your son. You should continue fostering a relationship between all the kids and see him when you can. Her throwing a fit for not getting her way is a huge flag. If it was one of “her” kids I’d imagine she wouldn’t have acted this way. You did nothing wrong here and I’m glad you stuck to your plans. On a personal note, ’m a child of divorce and have a blended family myself. I’m appalled by her actions.
I’ve been in individual counseling for a long time. And if I’m to bring up something with my husband and I’m in the wrong my counselor will call me out. If you have a good counselor they will work with you both and give you tools to see the other side. In this case I think your wife was ready to cut your older son out of your lives since he’s an adult now. You did the right thing by asking the kids. She mad because she couldn’t manipulate the kids into her plans. Good luck I hope she can open her eyes
NTA. I guess she’ll find out what an objective third party has to say about this.
NTA.
Counselling is fine if you have a willing partner and a good therapist.
My spouse and I have been multiple times, first therapist was a dud. It was never going to work, and also- my partner was unwilling to dive into anything they made them uncomfortable.
A few years later, they suggested therapy and we went. I spent time finding a therapist and he was amazing. Straightforward, calling us both on our parts of issues and encouraging us to try to communicate in healthy ways. It was great. That was like 5 years ago!
My spouse and I now have better communication, even when we disagree we can talk about it anywhere without triggering one another.
YTA… In general children come before adults.. because adults are supposed to be more mature and capable of dealing with playing second fiddle to the children. That said, your current wife is the highest priority in general… over your ex, and even your own parents. . OP should have definitely run this past the current wife, and highest priority before agreeing to go on two week trip with or without her. This isn’t going to grab lunch without asking her.. this is pretty major..
NTA. She clearly doesn’t like your son. She was okay with her planning a trip you didn’t know about, you just can’t do it to her.
Tell the therapist how she handled talking to the kids about the trip. She is a hard narc. She has probably always been toxic.
This is such a ridiculous question. I’m so tired of people so obviously in the right asking if they’re the asshole.
I think you did the right thing just because your children have different mothers. They’re all still your children. Any person that tries to prevent you from spending time with your children that doesn’t want your children to know each other has her own issues now what those issues could be wanting to spend time with the child you had with another woman makes her feel like she’s not as important and I can understand that to a point but it still doesn’t give her the right to try and prevent you from spending time with your child. Her not wanting the children you share to spend time with their brother is selfish on her part and I don’t know if she’s insecure in her position as your wife if she’s unhappy with the money you have spent on a child that isn’t hers. If she fears it in the future, you may give him preference over your other children. I mean the fact that you could fly you and three kids somewhere indicate you’re probably better off than a lot of people and she could literally be looking at the bottom line at the pennies. I mean I’m sorry to say but it almost sounds like she’s worried that if you die, she and her kids won’t get everything that that other child that’s out there might take a few dollars away from her children and I hate to think badly of her. But I honestly think badly of any woman that prevents a man from spending time with one of his children. Okay, that child is an adult. That doesn’t mean the relationship is over. Yes, you may only be financially responsible for food, clothing and shelter until they turn 18. But they’re going to be your child forever now. Unfortunately, because you have ended the relationship with the mother of that child and created a second family with another woman. You now are tied for a lifetime to two women through your children. When the oldest gets married and becomes a parent, you and your ex-wife will be grandparents. This is a connection that will last a lifetime. The fact that you’ve been with this new wife for a lot of years should make her understand what kind of person you are and that you’re not abandoning her. You’re not abandoning the children you have with her and the level of care you show to the child from a woman you’re no longer with. Should reassure her that you’re never going to not take care of your children. Then instead she acts like every penny that is used for another woman’s child or visiting another one’s one’s child supporting another woman’s child introducing her children to another woman’s child is making you disloyal to her. You had that child before you had her in your life as a partner. You may have known her prior to that. I mean we don’t know if it was infidelity on your part that broke up the marriage or if the marriage just fell apart and sometime later you met this person. We don’t know when she became part of your life all this time with her being part of your life knowing you have this child and yet she resents anytime or money used for this other child. She’s got a major problem. She definitely needs counseling and I think although counseling is usually the last resort before a marriage ends often it will save a relationship. If nothing else it becomes a safe place to say things that need to be said and I feel you need to find the right therapist and establish the fact that this is a safe zone to say things and work through them and you need to get to the bottom of why she is so threatened by the existence of this child that she’s known about for how many years.
Yes, maybe you should have mentioned the trip before you moved forward, but from the sounds of it should have found every excuse in the book to do anything and everything and prevent you from going and spending time with your child. I am sorry I feel you’re doing the right things as a parent but your partner has some serious issues and although yeah you should have mentioned it. There’s something much deeper going on than just not asking her before you booked a flight to visit your child. I mean, I’m sorry but no. This is about more than just you didn’t clear your plans with me before you book the flight. You found out your son had time you started planning a trip. It doesn’t matter when she heard about it. Her reaction would have been the same. She does not want you to have anything to do with the child of another woman and that’s what this is in her eyes. Not the fact that this is your child but that this is an enemy. This is the child of some other woman. This is somebody taking time and money away from her and her children okay and people are going to yell and say it doesn’t say that but Mike got feeling is that that’s what this is about and counseling. Maybe even to the point of making the long-term plans go make a will and lay out how the money is to be divided and it’s never going to make her happy because she and her children in her mind are doing everything and a child from another woman should never be part of your future again. And you’re trying to be a good father and she sees any deviation from her and her children as being a betrayal to her. I don’t think this is going to be an easy thing for you to navigate. I think this is going to get worse of the years. Go by and I would start paying attention to the money she spends the rules she has. The way things are people handled with your children. It could just be jealousy that you have a child with another woman. It could be greed and I would start paying a lot of attention and make sure you have separated and secured what you want to go to this child from another woman because otherwise she will do everything and anything she can to prevent it and that is just my gut instinct on this.
NTA. I do think you should’ve asked before committing but I think your wife is a massive red flag regarding your son, her getting her way and her general attitude. Her priorities are twisted and her hatred for a whole state to the point she won’t visit your son is just weird.
Does your wife hate your son??? I understand she’s bothered because you agreed to something without her but then she did the same thing, so she has no leg to stand on. NTA
ESH except the kids. You don’t make plans to travel with the kids without talking it over with their other parent first. On the other side, your wife went looking for an excuse to try to prevent the trip.
You both need counseling.
NTAH. I can see if she felt that you should’ve asked first but that’s the only thing I will give her. Any other consdierate person would’ve said “Hey next time can you clear it up with me before committing. Thankfully we do have time off so we can make that effort. I just want this to be more of an us decision than you making that decision for me”. But her follow up was clearly that she does not consider your son as part of her family. She probably put up with it because he was a minor but now that he is 19, building his own life she probably thought she’d hardly ever have to see him or face the reality that you have a kid that isnt her kid.
Im curious how her relationship with that son is. She likely likes to pretend he doesnt exist so her perfect view of family could be true. He’s a reminder that you had lovers before her and that there is someone who isn’t her child you will always put first before her.
Im sure this isnt the first time you felt she was being weird about your son. But I think you need to be straightforward and ask why she feels this way. How she feels about him?
It’s ok if they arent close but she knew what she was getting in with you when she got with you. She knew you had a kid that you needed to put first and she kept moving forward with you.
NTA. Hate to say it, but your wife seems controlling as a rule, and when you said that she could go on her friend’s trip without you and that you’d go see your son without her, you basically blew a fuse in her head. She felt she lost control so she tried to manipulate your kids into not seeing their brother instead.
Be prepared for the reality that counseling may end up revealing that you two are no longer compatible to be together in marriage. I wish you the best of luck. UpdateMe
Does she dislike your oldest son? Does she not want to make sure the kids have a relationship with him?
You are right that it is family and that the kids should all spend time together. Har last minute trip with friends doesn’t supersede your son.
Glad that a vote was taken and she realizes that even if she doesn’t want to go the kids so.
Be wary of the therapist.
NTA.
Your wife thought that she was done with the oldest. He’s a constant reminder of your ex-wife and she believed that when he went to school in CA she wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore and you could move on and only her kids would be a part of the family. Has nothing to do with “plans” or any other BS, it’s about control.
Sounds like you are leaving something out….
NTA
Me thinks she hates your son or that you have a kid that’s not connected to her in some way. She is trying to isolate you from your son and it’s only going to get worse I’m betting.
Yta, making travel plans without asking your wife is a dick move. She didnt handle it well but you are an asshole trying to act like an angel.
Your wife is a selfish AH.
NTA though I’m curious what’s is your wife’s relationship like with your oldest? I almost get the feeling maybe she was hoping now that the oldest is moved out and all the way in CA that she doesn’t need to have a relationship with him and include him as family. That she can just pretend he doesn’t exist.
Who the fuck hates California?
She’s the AH…good luck!!
ESH. Why can’t your eldest visit you?
Nta and how is her relationship with your eldest? You should ask him how she treats him!! She doesn’t want you or your kids having a relationship with him!!
YTA I think. I feel like 2 weeks in an empty college town is kind of a huge thing to unilaterally plan.
She’s the ahole for not making the effort to see your kid. She doesn’t care about him clearly. Bring that up with the therapist
My mom has taken plenty of trips to visit my brother and i without dragging our stepdad (who we have a great relationship with) along. Your wife is making this a problem when it really doesn’t need to be.
So she agreed to give the kids a say but then got mad when they chose their brother over a trip with their parents’ friends? Was she really surprised?
If the kids were not going to be heard, she should never have agreed to the question being asked to them. To hear them and then do the opposite would make them feel like their feelings weren’t considered. It would have been better to keep it between the adults only.
Honestly, counseling is probably a good idea because I feel like there is a lot of dynamic that runs to deep to include in a reddit post.
Good luck!
UpdateMe!
Your wife is an AH for trying to get her kids to not see their brother. She doesn’t like your son. Doesn’t think of him as part of her family and has no intention of fostering a relationship with the siblings. If she wants a divorce, good riddance. She’s a crappy person.
NTA – But do you realize your wife resents your son’s existence without at the very least?
Shocking another shitty stepmother
I don’t think your wife likes your son because he reminds her that you had a life before her. That’s some purity culture nonsense
The way she talked up her vacation plans and they still wanted to see their brother is hilarious and ironic too. One of the first questions she should be asked in therapy is “Why don’t you like my son?”
ESH. Your wife is right, you shouldn’t have agreed to this without talking to her first. Her hissy fit is why she sucks.
ESH. You should have discussed this with your wife first before saying yes to your son. You should automatically do this with any big decision. This automatically makes her the bad guy if the answer changes to ‘no’. And don’t get the younger kids involved in a parenting decision. Families are not ruled by committee.
Your wife shouldn’t have pressed the younger kids to pick her plan over yours.
I’m going to presume that counselling will focus a lot on communication. Even the wording you used in the title , ‘wife’s preferences’, is not really what’s going on. It was not your wife’s preference, it was her expectation that she would be included in decision making regarding family.
Your marriage is likely over. She is already trying to sour your kids against you and their brother. You stood up to her and she doesn’t seem like she’s going to let that go.
Taking everything at face value with no other issues or anything you’re leaving out leading up to this.
NTA. Your wife is the only one with a problem here. She doesn’t seem to like your oldest and doesn’t want your younger kids to spend time with with them.
The reason your friends shot down marriage counseling is by the time couples decide it’s needed it’s usually too late
Be prepared for your wife to not like therapy when the therapist realizes that your wife is the major issue in the relationship.
It’s weird that you committed to your son but then said if there were other plans already in place than she committed to them without asking you. So basically she needs to ask before committing to anything and you don’t?
Kinda seems like what you say goes and you don’t really care about how your wife feels.