My fiancé and I have been together for eight years, and we’re incredibly close with both of our families. We moved into our first apartment last year and still spend a lot of time with our parents, but since moving out, my relationship with my MIL has started to change.
One major issue was when she visited unannounced. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, but after I left for a prior engagement, she pulled out a power of attorney health directive and asked my fiancé to sign, giving her control over his medical decisions instead of me. We both found this inappropriate and declined, but she didn’t understand why we had a problem with it. My fiancés brother signed the document and claimed that him and his wife didn’t mind. Kind of making us too seem “extra” and causing issues for nothing.
More recently, my fiancé and I found our first home and went under contract. This is where we plan to start our married life and start a family. While our families were excited for us, MIL seemed disappointed. She told my fiancé privately that we’re spending too much, that it’s not a good time to buy, that there’s no rush to buy why don’t we just rent, etc… She warmed up to the house after a walkthrough but then started looking at homes on our same street. When my fiancé gently suggested she consider a different section of the neighborhood, she became emotional, insisting it shouldn’t matter and that she wouldn’t bother us. This ended in tears and her saying, “If you don’t want me close, I’ll stay out of your lives.” Before hanging up on him.
I’m questioning if I’m overreacting, knowing her actions come from love, but something feels off. How do we get her to see our side? We want our independence while keeping strong family ties, but how do we set boundaries without causing more tension?
There are more little things that have happened that add to this.
AITAH for pushing that MIL not live on our street? In all fairness it is not right next door but if we were to stand in the street we would be able to see her drive way and vice versa.
(Fiancé and I are on the same page about this)
Comments
NTA
That would be my nightmare. However, your SO needs to tell MIL not to buy a house so close to yours. You both need your space.
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Lmao americans 😂😂
No, that mom is over bearing in red flaggy ways
NTA. Sounds like the beginning of an “Everyone Loves RAymond” episode. Just no, Marie!
Never a good idea to stay so closely to in-laws ( for both spouses). Its good to stay nearby but not close ( like maybe 2-3 towns over). Tell your fiancé clearly and without any blame shifting that you do not want to live in the same street ( or couple of blocks over) from either family. Have him make it clear to her that while you both WILL spend a good amount of time with both families, it is not going to be acceptable to live next door. You can stay out of it while he does the talking.
This is non negotiable and make it very clear.
NTA. You had a choice where you and your husband live. Remember that your house, your life, and your peace of mind is more important than her. You should focus on setting your boundaries. If she can’t understand any of those, that’s her problem, not yours.
NTA. But, the question you are posing to us is too specific. You have a MIL and a husband problem.
>knowing her actions come from love
They don’t. They come from jealousy. She’s upset that she no longer has control over your husband.
>he pulled out a power of attorney health directive and asked my fiancé to sign, giving her control over his medical decisions instead of me.
That is entirely inappropriate. There is absolutely no reason that she should be in charge of his medical decisions instead of you, and it is wild to me that she even thought that this was ok.
>My fiancés brother signed the document and claimed that him and his wife didn’t mind
If his wife is fine playing second fiddle to his mommy, then that’s their issue to deal with.
>When my fiancé gently suggested she consider a different section of the neighborhood, she became emotional, insisting it shouldn’t matter and that she wouldn’t bother us. This ended in tears and her saying, “If you don’t want me close, I’ll stay out of your lives.” Before hanging up on him.
These “gentle suggestions” from your husband need to be changed to him putting his foot down, hard. This bull shit of her crying and saying that she would get out of your lives is 100% manipulation and guilting. You have a r/JUSTNOMIL on you hands, girl. And you need to make sure that you and your husband are completely on the same page about how to handle her, now, before it continues to escalate.
NTA. Your future MIL is a manipulator. You and your fiancé need to have a long talk about how you two will deal with these manipulations during your forever life together. Do this before the wedding.
You can certainly share your opinions but MIL is allowed to buy a house wherever she wants to. Not much you can do about that but deal with it when/if it happens.
NTA. The PoA thing is a huge red flag. Never heard of a parent having one for a married independent adult. I love my in laws. The are pretty much my only parental figures as I am no contact with my dad and mom passed away. But no way would I want them living on my street.
NTA
It doesn’t come from love, it’s from control and manipulation with a side of guilt tripping
Thankfully, fiance seems to have a spine so maybe this relationship will last
She isn’t coming from a place of love.
She’s obsessed with her children. This is not a healthy relationship she has with her children.
I don’t understand how she can make a directive for him-he is a legal adult with full metal and physical capability? She can’t do that. And no you’re not overreacting-as much as I love my son and future daughter in law I would never presume to live so close when they move. She seems very manipulative and the less access she has as time goes the better you’ll be. This is where you and your future husband have to solidify what boundaries you want to establish and how you will enforce them.
NTA. It is great that both you and your partner are on the same page. You deserve to have your space.
The MIL seems like she doesn’t want to lose her ‘baby boy’ or has some sort of dislike towards you and wants to ‘protect’ her son?
When my MIL suggested moving next door, I smiled and said ‘That’s wonderful! We’re actually thinking of moving across town!’ She got the hint. Sometimes you have to be cleverly direct about these things.
Showing up with an Advanced Directive? I work in healthcare and thank goodness your husband was smart enough not to sign that. I would have lost my mind right then. You are giving her too much grace. That’s absolutely conniving. Very firm boundaries need to fall into place. Hopefully your husband is strong enough to stand up to her. That tantrum she is throwing right now? Bet that’s worked for her her whole life and that’s why she’s doing it. Be careful here.
Her actions come from a desire to control.
NTA you’re not overreacting, she’s ever suffering. Her children aren’t children anymore. Your fiancé needs to be the one to have this discussion with her, but he needs to set healthy boundaries. He needs to be the one to say no more unexpected visits. please call first.Everything needs to go through him because she’s not going to listen and she will villainize you for trying to say anything
NTA, but you have a fiance problem, not a MIL problem. He’s either a mama’s boy and happy to have her involved, or he’s a chicken shit who doesn’t want to upset her.
He SAYS he’s on the same page as you, but his actions in not putting her on a low-information diet (and signing those forms) are saying the opposite.
NTA. If she buys a house on your street, u should move. This MIL sounds insufferable.
Nta. What a nightmare! Might as well call her a warden, if that happens.
NTA You have a JustNoMIL (check out the sub for more specific advice). Her actions don’t come from a place of love but a place of control. She can sense her control over her son slipping so she’s emotionally manipulating you both. Your SO needs to stop gently suggesting and be clear, she is his mother but you are his wife. She needs to accept he is not a child any more who needs mommy’s approval and consent. Look up enmeshment and the book ‘adult children of emotionally immature parents’. Her behavior is not healthy or normal and needs to be nipped in the bud.
Discuss the below with your fiancé if you want children; Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
NTA. This sounds like enmeshment. You want healthy, normal boundaries and she doesn’t… what was your mil’s married life like? Did her husband meet her emotional needs?
I strongly suggest you two do couples counseling. MIL will get worse as she thinks she’s losing her baby boy. She will cause drama whether is your wedding, when you’re pregnant, when you’re giving birth, afterwards with the children. It’s honestly best to be on the same page together as a couple and have a game plan on how to maintain healthy boundaries with her. This doesn’t mean to be unkind and mean. It means you need to protect you and your fiancé’s relationship and both of your mental peace. Be kind but firm. TRUST ME, it gets WORSE! You may think, we’re on the same page, but trust me it’ll get worse. Mothers like this don’t want let their precious baby boy go. They also believe they raised the perfect man and why should their hard work be for someone else? They want their sons to meet their emotional needs. I could be wrong but it sounds like enmeshment to me.
Good luck. Depending on how toxic she is, she can be a problem for a long time. Don’t let the tears distract you. It’s just a tool for manipulation. She has come over unannounced in the past and she definitely will if she lives a street away.
Trust me– study enmeshment!
NTA and I think your husband should suggest his mother see a therapist. Her level of involvement, hurt feelings & emotional manipulation needs to be addressed.
Sounds like the typical “boy mom”. She needs to learn some boundaries and trust me, you are not overreacting. When I started dating my husband he lived on the “family compound”, as in, his family owns a farm and overtime his parents acquired multiple homes on the same street that his dad rents out. His family would make comments on nights he didn’t come home and his (very religious parents) had the audacity to ask him (35 at the time) if we were sleeping together. There were zero boundaries and no one could mind their own business. I make it super clear before we even got to a point of considering engagement, I never wanted to live that close to his family. We now live about 8 miles from them and they thankfully mind their business and overall are pretty great BUT it sounds like your MIL would be over constantly and texting to see where you were if she noticed you weren’t home. NTA
NTA.
My MIL use to stand in her kitchen with hi- power binoculars to watch her daughter and son in-law . She constantly checked to see their comings and going and visitors.
When I married her son, she wanted a key to our house for, “just in case”, as she put it.
Stand your ground with MIL. You’re right. Something is off with her behavior.
Good luck.
Fakers using Everyone Loves Raymond as a template now.
NTA and Do not give anyone on his side of the family a key to the house
NTA
My parents threatened to do this when they were retiring. I told them they could live in the same city but not within a 10 mile radius. They sniffed a bit when I told them family’s fine far away. Since it came directly from me, there wasn’t any further discussion
Your SO needs to set the boundary now.
He has to be frank and say absolutely don’t it the house else we’ll move.
She’s probably been secretly preserving his umbilical cord for decades. But now with your impending wedding, she knows the magical spell is about to break so she’s looking for another means to prevent you from stealing him from her.
She’s delulu and trying to manipulating you both. I’d ask the brother & SIL if it’s true. It might be but I bet it’s not OR the SIL doesn’t know about it. Either way, that’s not your problem. What is your problem is how she’s putting a strain on your relationship. It’s good your fiancé is on the same page as you. She needs to come to terms with the fact that while she will always be his mother, her place in his life as his #1 is over. She has to accept that while she’s still on the list to get in, she no longer has VIP access automatically. She only has it when it’s given to her. It’s up to her how how often the invite will be given.
You know, it really doesn’t matter how close you are with your parents and his parents. It’s better that they care, but even though you get along great she’s showing some little bit of controlling qualities under the surface. I mean I’m sorry but the power of attorney for medical decisions once you’re married should be you. I mean literally what she’s asking for is that he give her rights. That should be yours and that’s kind of a little controlling. Other people don’t mind. Hey that’s great for them. And yes, in some ways it could help if something serious happens as his partner you could be too close, but I certainly wouldn’t sign something like that. Although I will say at this point when I am asked to put down who to go to if I’m not capable, it ends up being my brother and my one son who are mine but being in between partners it feels appropriate. If I had a partner, there would be no question that it would be someone I would trust to make those decisions for me if I was unable. But somebody superseding your partner feels pushy and intrusive. Admittedly gently and before you she would have been the right person but maybe she’s just afraid to give that up to give up that place in his life that
Regardless, no I would not want my family that close. I mean honestly a mile away was as close as I was to my parents. I would not have been next door or Three doors down a mile in a pinch is walkable and barely a couple of minutes in a vehicle that’s close enough. It’s not where you’re going to. Just walk in unannounced every single day and my suggestion is yeah when you’re home you have a safety lock on the inside of your door. Whether it’s a chain, a hooking eye, a slide bolt, something that prevents people from just opening the door and walking in. Even if they have a key in a serious emergency, any of the things I have described a chain, a hook and eye or a slide bolt don’t have to be put in so firmly that virtually anyone could kick it in once the door was unlocked. But it would reinforce the fact that if you’re home, the fact that they have access to a key doesn’t mean they can come and go as they please. That is some thing you and your partner make a decision on jointly. But yeah, I would have definitely a second way to ensure your privacy.
And just to go one step further into where this could end up. Does she have any grandchildren? I cannot imagine her being that close to the point that she could almost get a baby monitor to hear everything from her home and basically trying and take over the child. There have been some grandparents that have done that. I know it sounds like a weird and awful thing but she is by inches losing her child. Not because her sons are gone from this world but because the more they become adults with their own lives and families the less she’s needed as a mom and some women will do. Really ridiculous things when that happens so no insult to anyone intended. Just I would take security and privacy very seriously.
NTA – this is a healthy boundary to set especially if she was popping up unannounced. Even if she does move there, do not give her a key.
Her actions do NOT come from love, they come from control.
Move further away, an hour or two.
Let her cry, she didn’t live down the street from her husband’s parents I’d bet. There are also no magic words to stop her from trying to control you both.
She can’t do that if you’re further away. The tears are purely manipulation to get her own way.
Start telling her less. She doesn’t need to be involved in the decisions you make as a couple. She’s not a part of your marriage, she’ll soon be an extended relative NOT a sister wife with decision making power.
Start as you mean to go on. Live your own lives without her oversight, you’re both adults so she’s going to have to accept that.
Pre-marital counselling to make sure you’re on the same page, his mother does not get a say in your marital/life decisions.
NTA.
You have no ability to control where she lives. You can only control where you live.
You seem to be trying to enter a dog peeing contest with your MIL, with your partner being the lamppost!!!
Your partner will support you, to a point. Then, no matter what, you’ll be the baddie. His mum, his to deal with. Stay out of it! Yta for trying to intervene.
NTA. She buys a house next door you two will never have a moments peace.
I lived on the family compound…..twice.
It just about destroyed our marriage and I won’t even go there now.
“When my fiancé gently suggested she consider a different section of the neighborhood, she became emotional, insisting it shouldn’t matter and that she wouldn’t bother us”
—The only reason for her to live on the same street is to bother you and violating boundaries which she is already doing.
“We want our independence while keeping strong family ties, but how do we set boundaries without causing more tension?”
—You can’t. This is the hill to die on. If this isn’t nipped in the bud, there will be grave regret far far worse that the “tension”.
Her actions don’t come from love. They come from a need for control. Who in their right mind thinks it reasonable to have POA over their adult children’s medical needs? Unless the child is special needs and can’t make their own decisions, that’s asinine. Keep your eye on her. She’s going to want to move in. Don’t let her have a key. NTA
Nta. Sounds like a nightmare if she did.
OP either you or your SO can’t do a thing about her wanting to move and live all on top of you guys. However, the both of you guys can maintain boundaries and enforce consequences if she does not respect the boundaries. It helps with you’re both on the same page about this matter.
It does not come out of love. I love my child more than anything or anyone and would happily die for them but I would never move to the same street as them because I know that would be a terrible intrusion in their lives.
Plus, your MIL saying things like she did is a manipulation tactic, plain and simple. If she gave a solid argument and said she would follow all boundaries that you set without getting upset then I’d be more likely to listen but this is clearly manipulative so it’s a hard no.
I just don’t get it. What do mothers act like this? Your whole job as a parent is to raise your children to be independent and happy adults who go on and live their own lives. Not as perpetual children that need to be with them all the time.
Plus, stop the unannounced visits pronto. It’s just rude.
Lastly, when you do set boundaries and she goes to the well of bitterness and “well I’ll just stay out of your lives forever” when say you ask her to not visit unannounced, just say “ok then, whatever you want” and close the door.
When she pushes back then state her ridiculous and childish comments/tantrums to a reasonable request are not something that you will put up with so if she wants to go down that route, your happy to go along with those ridiculous statements.
NTA. That wouldn’t be a problem waiting to happen…it would happen prior to her move. Your fiance needs to shiny up his spine and put the kibosh on that idea ASAP. You don’t begin your married life in a parent’s pocket. With her manipulation, given time – you’d be fleeing and she’d be selling her house and moving in with him. He needs to be pleasant but very firm.
NTA to push back, but it’s your fiancé’s mother, so the heaviest pushback should come from him.
…but you do know you can’t actually stop her if she does forge ahead and buy on the same street.
People put waaaay too much stock in this concept of “setting boundaries”. It’s not magic, people like your MIL tend to simply step over them. You can verbally set all the boundaries you want, but the person you most want to respect them may simply ignore them.
Definitely pay no mind to her manipulative tears and dramatic statements, and do your life. But the best you may be able to do boundary-wise, if she buys on the same street, is plenty of cameras, and NO KEY or keypad combo for Mama!
What a nightmare! NTA
No but your MIL is. That she would to relocate next to her son.
This is not about love, it’s about control. Anyone who demands rights to make medical decisions for you has serious issues.
OP you need to wake up! This is big motivated by live, this woman is a narcissistic control freak. A power of attorney, keep renting don’t buy, looking to move on your street? It is classic.
She cannot stand not being in complete control. Your best bet is to look for a house in another state or country! She will make your lives miserable, especially once you have children.
She is a master manipulator using tears and guilt to attempt to get her way. As she gets older she will add multiple levels of health issues.
You are not overreacting. She will count the minutes you spend with members of your family versus hers and demand more time. If you spend Christmas Eve with your parents she will demand Christmas morning and no one can open a gift until she is there. If you have children, she’ll burst into your home unannounced day in and day out. She will criticize your cooking, housekeeping, how you dress, the money you spend, absolutely everything.
This woman is toxic. You and your spouse need to agree on boundaries and strategies now. He is so used to her behavior he doesn’t even see it. You need to be firm and very, very strong or your life will evolve into a living hell.
I am serious OP, you might consider a life lived in a different city or state. Good luck. I hope you can hang on to your peace.
NTA
That’s not love. That’s smothering.
And control. And overreaching.
Now you know to never ever share anything with her. She’s unhinged. The kind of Mother who thinks you are “stealing” her baby from her.
NTA. That sounds like it would be awful. Tons of boundary stomping
Plz do not accept any money for your wedding from the…She will want total control…se will want a big part anyway, and you will have to nip it from the get go….when she oversteps the first time–put her on LC for the entire planning–she lost her rights to know anything or be involved if she does something YOU YOU YOU don’t like/want.
NTA. Stand your ground and set firm boundaries. It’s best to keep your mother-in-law at arm’s length, as it seems like there’s likely to be more drama from her in the future. Good luck with the wedding planning, your pregnancy, and when you have your first child; you’re going to need all the luck you can get. It’s important to sit down with your fiancé for a serious conversation about his mother’s behavior and establish clear boundaries. It’s better for him to start noticing the red flags now. I would also recommend seeking pre-marriage counseling with your fiancé.
NTA. Her actions are not coming “from a place of love”, this is about control, straight up. She wants medical power of attorney?? Puh-lease. You and your SO are adults, and should make your own decisions about your life together. Hold strong. Do not let her move close and do not ever give her a key! Keep doors locked so she can’t just waltz in, and turn her away at the door if you don’t want her to visit.
“Now’s not a good time, call first next time. No, you don’t need to know any more other than now is not a good time, thanks for dropping in, bye now.”
Set your boundaries and hold to them. Remember, boundaries are not a restriction on the other person per se, they are a line of what you will and won’t accept, and you must stay firm.
> but after I left for a prior engagement, she pulled out a power of attorney health directive and asked my fiancé to sign, giving her control over his medical decisions
WHO’s HEALTH?
If she does end up moving in, then don’t give her a key and don’t give her access to the house. Give it a few times of not answering the door.
No, you’re not, but your wife needs to be the one that talks to her mother, not you. Whoever’s mother is the one causing issues is the one that needs to speak up unless they emotionally can’t.Then the husband should step in. I say this because I don’t think you want to cause issues with your in-laws just like she wouldn’t want to cause issues with your with yours. Boundaries need to be set and I would honestly do it with the whole family sitting together. And just state, Hey, we want our privacy. That at this stage of your marriage, you guys are just starting the first stage of it and would like a little bit more privacy than you’re getting. Which is understandable
Sounds like you have to work this out with her son