My fiancée and I have been together for 5 years and are getting married in 3 months. I usually get along with everyone, but I’ve never felt welcome by her mom—and lately, I feel like I’m going crazy trying to stay polite.
My fiancée is from a country ruled by a dictator. Her mom left when she was young, promising to come back—but never did. She finally made it to the U.S. at 18. Their relationship has always been complicated.
Her mom has never supported our relationship. She’s dramatic, controlling, and clearly favors her youngest child—my fiancée’s half-brother—with her current husband (a wealthy investor). She uses money as leverage with her daughters and spoils her son because of who his dad is.
Despite all that, I’ve been nothing but kind and generous to her whole family. I saved for over a year and planned a budget-friendly European trip for my fiancée, proposing on top of the Eiffel Tower and taking her through Switzerland and Italy—her first time ever traveling.
Afterward, her mom said she didn’t approve of me and wouldn’t help with the wedding. Then she blamed her husband (saying he didn’t like me), then claimed they couldn’t help because they were throwing a bar mitzvah for her son—which they only planned late because they missed the right time.
My parents gave me a generous gift, and I chose to spend it on the wedding—not because I had to, but because I wanted my fiancée to have the wedding of her dreams.
There was more drama when we considered inviting her dad from overseas. Her mom said she might not come if he was invited—and would pull her son from our wedding party. I had to call the stepdad myself and thankfully he agreed her brother could still be in the wedding.
Now, just 3 months out, her mom suddenly says they want to buy us a car and booked us a hotel stay in Hawaii for our honeymoon—saying it’s “too late” to help with the wedding. I asked my fiancée to tell them it’s not too late, and that we’d still welcome help with the actual wedding—but they chose the car instead.
The thing is: my car is fine. Hers isn’t. So it’s really a gift for her, not us. And while the hotel in Hawaii is generous, we were planning to wait a year for a honeymoon so we could afford the flights, food, and activities. Now I feel pressure to spend even more just to make it happen and not disappoint her—because it’s always been her dream to go.
I know these are “nice” things. But none of her three parents offered anything to help with the wedding—until now. And what they’re offering feels more about control or optics than actual support. I’m tired. Part of me wants to seat her at the worst table at the wedding—yes, I know that’s petty and I’m not going to—but I’m exhausted from always being the bigger person.
AITAH?
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My fiancée and I have been together for 5 years and are getting married in 3 months. I usually get along with everyone, but I’ve never felt welcome by her mom—and lately, I feel like I’m going crazy trying to stay polite.
My fiancée is from a country ruled by a dictator. Her mom left when she was young, promising to come back—but never did. She finally made it to the U.S. at 18. Their relationship has always been complicated.
Her mom has never supported our relationship. She’s dramatic, controlling, and clearly favors her youngest child—my fiancée’s half-brother—with her current husband (a wealthy investor). She uses money as leverage with her daughters and spoils her son because of who his dad is.
Despite all that, I’ve been nothing but kind and generous to her whole family. I saved for over a year and planned a budget-friendly European trip for my fiancée, proposing on top of the Eiffel Tower and taking her through Switzerland and Italy—her first time ever traveling.
Afterward, her mom said she didn’t approve of me and wouldn’t help with the wedding. Then she blamed her husband (saying he didn’t like me), then claimed they couldn’t help because they were throwing a bar mitzvah for her son—which they only planned late because they missed the right time.
My parents gave me a generous gift, and I chose to spend it on the wedding—not because I had to, but because I wanted my fiancée to have the wedding of her dreams.
There was more drama when we considered inviting her dad from overseas. Her mom said she might not come if he was invited—and would pull her son from our wedding party. I had to call the stepdad myself and thankfully he agreed her brother could still be in the wedding.
Now, just 3 months out, her mom suddenly says they want to buy us a car and booked us a hotel stay in Hawaii for our honeymoon—saying it’s “too late” to help with the wedding. I asked my fiancée to tell them it’s not too late, and that we’d still welcome help with the actual wedding—but they chose the car instead.
The thing is: my car is fine. Hers isn’t. So it’s really a gift for her, not us. And while the hotel in Hawaii is generous, we were planning to wait a year for a honeymoon so we could afford the flights, food, and activities. Now I feel pressure to spend even more just to make it happen and not disappoint her—because it’s always been her dream to go.
I know these are “nice” things. But none of her three parents offered anything to help with the wedding—until now. And what they’re offering feels more about control or optics than actual support. I’m tired. Part of me wants to seat her at the worst table at the wedding—yes, I know that’s petty and I’m not going to—but I’m exhausted from always being the bigger person.
AITAH?
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Yeah, it sounds like your MIL sucks a bit. It also sounds like she isn’t actually doing harm, and that your fiancé isn’t currently interested in pulling away from her. So really, the only thing to do is find a way to be civil.
Of course that doesn’t mean she gets to control you. Tell them you’re going to your honeymoon next year because of funding and ask for their help at that time. If they refuse, that’s too bad, but it’s establishing the precedent that you make your own decisions for the rest of your marriage
OP,
What’s your wife’s attitude towards her mother at this juncture?
Just stick to your plans for the honeymoon and tell her you cannot afford it as you maxed out spending for the wedding.
How does your fiancée fee about this? Does it make her happy that her mother is coming? About Hawaii? The car? Does she just want to have her mum involved in the least dramatic way possible and have it over with?
It seems a bit weird that you’re wanting to seat the mother at a bad table, worried about finances for Hawaii this year, and mad that the car doesn’t serve you…. Without mentioning how your fiancée feels about it all.
NTA
Where is your fiancée in all this? Being the kid who wants some kind of love is hard. Being the kid whose parents blatantly try to buy your love is infuriating, especially when it harms the people you chose to love. She probably is so conflicted and angry right now that she wants to boot her own parents from the wedding and just elope, but doesn’t think it would be fair to you and your family.
Put the mom’s table next to the bathroom door; at least then she’ll have an appropriate receptacle for her shit stirring.
Reach back out to the step dad, explain that the gift of a hotel is actually going to cost you money and is not helpful right now. Tell him it’s not too late to help with the actual wedding, likely mil is filtering info to her husband and he sounds more rational.
You need to sit down and shut. Do not out her at the worst table. You accept the car and the holiday. Not your mother.
Is your fiancé contributing anything to the wedding? Sounds like she needs to come up with the rest of the money for Hawaii if she wants to go there. Also, NTA and why does MIL get to choose when and where you have your honeymoon?
In your speech thank your parents for contributing to the big day. Really milk it. When you get to inlaws just be like there isn’t much I CAN thank you for but your biggest contribution today would be creating my wonderful caring wife. I’m so proud to have her as my family especially all the struggles she has faced to get where she is today with little to no help from anyone. She is truly inspirational and Mil, fil you should be so proud of the woman she has made herself into. Boom watch the shit show hahahahhaa I bet Mil is acting to family like she paid for it all.
Why is it bad that the car is for your fiancée?
While your MIL does sound challenging… but the gifts are coming without strings and you still get to tell people she didn’t help with the wedding. Also, how does your future wife having a new safe care not something also for you? Have the conversation with your fiancé, tell her you’re exhausted by your MIL constant barbs. If the gifts come without strings I don’t see the harm in accepting.
You want and are looking for something that isn’t there. Let it go – treat them like relatives you only see at weddings and funerals.
She can pay for a hotel room when you are ready to go on vacation. If the MIL picks a time when you can’t go, it’s a waste of her money, not yours. Let her waste it. You have your plan in place. I would make sure her table isn’t near your table at all.
Why do you get to choose where her mother sits? This should be a joint decision, probably with your fiancée having more say than you since it is her family. So I guess YTA for thinking it is your choice where to put her mother.
I wouldn’t accept any gift from them for the honeymoon or wedding. It’s a power play. If you accept any money it will be held over your head and your marriage for the rest of your marriage. Why do you feel pressured to spend more to make your fiancé happy? Stick to the plans the two of you made, you don’t want controlling MIL in the middle or joining the honeymoon. Also, are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to one up the MIL with money? Remember the two of you will be a family when you marry. You are supposed to start your lives together and build a life together. In laws come second to your spouse
It’s kinda sad your gf isn’t sticking up for you more tbh
Since you put your parents money into something that benefited you both. She should sell the car and put into either an acc towards buying a house or something similar. Even just her being willing to do it would mean the world. Maybe you let her keep the car but would like to see if she would put the needs of the relationship and your future together over her own personal wants.
I just find it weird they brought her a gift and paid for a honeymoon but not fully funded. So it’s like they are paying her half of it and all the rest you pay for so that they aren’t technically spending money on YOU. You guys should just sell the honeymoon package or whatever to someone else. Put it online. Don’t go and go more into debt so your wife can feel so thankful to her mum for the holiday and you get no credit for spending more than they paid for it
I know I’m chucking alot at you but I think you should make sure she actually will put your guys finances first not worry more about her own needs. From her upbringing she may be like that. She could hoard money in secret accounts and stuff. It’s super common for people to do when they had a mother like hers. They can seem sweet and giving but it hides the real broken person.
So I would say it’s fine that they do this stuff but you can’t pay anymore and would still prefer the plan of waiting on the honeymoon so that’s it’s perfect and not rushed. If you cave to this now, you’ll be caving to everything else they pull. You need to be the backbone in this. Making it hard for them to play their bullshit games
This will be your life from know on! You will be dealing with them for ever! If it’s this bad know it gets worse! If you’re future wife want take care of it you will be the bad guy! Best of luck!
Just a bit of advice – ‘Free money is seldom worth the price you have to pay for it.’
I generally think you just don’t understand culturally your mother in law. Ultimately the mother in law doesn’t concern you it’s really for your fiancé to sort out not you
I think some reframing would be helpful for you going forward.
You say your mom gave you money that you decided to put towards the wedding to give your fiancé the wedding of her dreams. Where is the partnership in that? Where is the us/we language?
Then you say your fiancés mom gave you a car / holiday but you don’t see it as a gift for you as a partnership – you’ve decided that it’s really just a gift for your fiancé – and it’s not what you wanted anyway. So when her mother gave you both a gift you’ve created a reason in your mind to be resentful of that gift, plus a couple of backup reasons.
Look at your language. Approach this as a partnership with your fiancé. You have the right to be peeved about past comments but it looks like she’s trying to make amends even if it’s a clumsy approach.
IT’S A TRAP!!
If you take either the car or the honeymoon, you will ALWAYS hear how MIL “saved” hubby from his bad decisions, meaning you.
This is a debt that you will never be able to repay in her mind.
Save your money and your sanity by declining both. You will still get flak, but you will be happier and less stressed.
She’s lucky she had a table at all.
Don’t get married unless you’re prepared to live with this for the rest of your life or your fiancée is prepared to go no contact when it becomes untenable. This won’t end and it won’t change unless your fiancée sets boundaries.
The wedding if for you and your future wife.
Dynamics of guests not attending because their ex will be there is for the guests to navigate. Yes bride/grooms wants both parents there. It is for the divorced parents to figure out if they want to be there.
As for who is contributing to the wedding. Many times one side of the family can contribute more than the other side. Your family gave you a gift and you decided to use for the wedding. Her family wants to gift a car. Gifts are gifts. Recognize people will gift what they want based on what they can. Gifts with strings attached are draining. You determine if you will honor the strings attached.
Separate the wedding from the family dynamics. This is your day you are getting married and becoming one family unit. The wedding is the extra part. What should matter the most is getting married! Wedding planning has derailed so many would have been marriages especially when outside interference (family, friends, money) is thrown in cause couples to analyze getting married.
If you still need help with the wedding financially, then you are over budget with the wedding. Sit down with your fiancée and determine will you can cut costs.
As for the car gift, it is not a gift until you receive it. Selling one of the extra cars for the cash is always an option.
Lastly, if anyone says can’t make it unless this or that, a nice response of, oh we will really want you there but understand if you cannot make it and you will be missed.
NTA but how will you navigate marriage with your wife’s attitude towards her mother ?
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Just wondering about the father. If mom was gone all those years dad must have had a big part of her life. Where is he? Why isn’t he helping? Why is mom the important one?
You should encourage your fiancee to attend therapy to help her deal with her mom. It’ll be difficult to persuade her I suspect, maybe suggest you go together to support her