I (24F) am in complete shock and don’t know how to process this. My sister Emma (27F) is getting married in three months, and I just found out she asked my ex-best friend Rachel (25F) to be her maid of honor. The problem is, Rachel was emotionally abusive to me throughout our friendship and caused me severe anxiety and depression.
For context, Rachel and I were close friends for about four years until I finally cut her off last year. She would constantly belittle me, make cruel comments about my appearance, and gaslight me whenever I tried to address her behavior. She once told me at a party that “no one would ever truly love me” because I was “too needy and pathetic.” When I started therapy, my therapist helped me realize how toxic our friendship was.
The breaking point came when Rachel deliberately sabotaged my relationship with my then-boyfriend by telling him lies about me “talking to other guys” behind his back. She later admitted she made it up because she was “bored” and wanted to see what would happen. I ended our friendship immediately and have been much healthier and happier since.
Now Emma claims she didn’t know about any of this, but I’ve talked to her multiple times about how harmful Rachel was to my mental health. Emma says Rachel has “grown as a person” and that I should “get over it” because it’s her wedding and she can choose whoever she wants. She also mentioned that Rachel specifically asked to be in the wedding party and seemed “really excited” about it.
I told Emma that I can’t attend her wedding if Rachel is going to be maid of honor. It would be too painful and triggering for me to watch someone who caused me so much harm be celebrated in such an important role. I offered to help with wedding planning in other ways, but I can’t be there on the day.
Emma completely exploded at me, calling me selfish and dramatic. She said I’m “ruining her special day” and that I’m choosing to hold grudges over family. Our parents are now involved, and they’re divided – mom thinks Emma should reconsider, but dad says I should just “suck it up” for one day.
I feel terrible because I love my sister and want to support her, but I also know being around Rachel would undo months of healing. My therapist supports my decision to maintain boundaries, but I’m being made to feel like I’m being unreasonable.
AITAH for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding over this?
Comments
You’re not the jerk. Protect your peace, let her have her toxic party solo
NTA. You needed the help of a therapist to recover from that friendship, and your sister should not ignore your feelings. Actions have consequences, so her choosing Rachel as maid of honor is her choice.
Why didn’t she choose her sister as maid of honor?
NTA
Weird sister and weird dad.
Why is this woman even there in the first place? Seems she is still mad at you and wormed her way into your sister’s circle, but your sister is stupid too for not seeing through that.
People who choose to have people in their life who they are fully aware were bad to you- toxic, mean, even outright abusive- do not deserve support. From you, or from anyone else.
They don’t deserve anything.
You do not get to claim that you are allowed to choose whom to have in your life, and make all these declarations, while openly, siding with someone that you were fully aware was an abusive piece of shit to someone else. It doesn’t matter what you believe or what they told you- nothing undoes what was horrible reality for someone else. And making excuses about it just invalidates their feelings and what they went through, and makes you even worse of a person.
So you know what? Screw your sister. She can eat a dick.
I don’t understand why he would choose her as a bridesmaid to begin with, yet she is completely free to choose whoever, it is her wedding, but you are also completely free to decide whether to go or not.
Just tell your sister you have chosen her over me, it’s simple if she goes I don’t.
Your sister knows what she did to you, your sister and just as toxic as her.
NTA.
“she said I’m ruining her special day and holding grudges over family”
Turn that gas lighting sentence around to figure out the truth in the sentence. She’s ruining her own special day by treating your abuser more dearly than she holds her own family.
Your sister just told you who she is and what she thinks of you in the words of Maya Angelou- believe her. Regardless of whether or not she changes her mind find somewhere else to be on the day of her wedding. Put yourself first because she obviously won’t.
Seems like your sister is no better than Emma.
NTA
NTA. In this situation you know what you need to do to protect your peace, and that is more important than keeping up appearances. Don’t let Emma or any other family members tell you otherwise; stick to your boundary that you will not be there if Rachel is MOH.
OR… SHE could sucks it up for a day and either kick the abuser or accept that she is one herself by letting you be absent.
Whatever the case, tell her she have lost the right to complaints when SHE will lose her husband because of her MOH manipulations.
“I hope Rachel doesn’t get bored and make a scene at your wedding sis. Or worse, try and steal your husband because she is bored! But you have fun and the family can fill me in on the drama after the fact!”
The multiple air quotes in paragraph four tell me that this is a fake story.
Updateme!
NTA, your sister is a POS.
NTA. It’s funny how some people think “it’s my wedding and I have final say” can apply to EVERYTHING about said wedding. Yeah, your sister can have Rachel there but she can’t FORCE you to attend as well. And odds are Rachel’s ‘excitement’ over all of this is because of the drama she’s causing right now. All your sister’s doing is enabling her like a blind dope and likely any ‘ruining’ you’ll be causing is just having folks ask why you’re not there (and why Rachel is if anyone invited knows the story between you and her).
NTA just let your sister know why and draw the line fuck everyone elses feelings they don’t care about yours
NTA. Book a girls trip for the same time and enjoy a sangria, enjoy your drama and toxic free week.
Are we really doing this one again??
Your sister deliberately became friends with and chose your abuser as her MOH? The f out of here. Personally, I’d be cutting my sister off. This is 100% a power move by the abuser. Tell your dad that it is not actually one day. It’s all the events, parties, the bachelorette, etc. Ask him if he would expect you to suck it up if your sister was having a guy who physically abused you in her wedding and, if not, why he thinks mental & emotional abuse along with egregious betrayal is okay. Tell your sister that you’re no longer involved in her wedding. Best of luck, and you love her, but her choosing your abuser as MOH and trying to force you to interact with her is something you cannot reconcile yourself to and will not. She’s chosen her position. Choose yours. Your parents should be outraged on your behalf, not trying to peacekeep this awful violation by your sister. NTA.
People who remain friends with your abuser, are not your friends. This would be enough for me to go no contact with sister tbh. Probably dad too. Updateme
NTA.
Your sister needs to give her head a shake. Who is more important? Your own sister or the girl who asked to be in your wedding party. Sounds like your sister wasn’t even considering her for the wedding party until she asked.
If your sister chooses the mentally abusive bully, you should go and do something else instead of sitting around doing nothing.
Find something that helps your mental health and do that instead. Go to the coast etc
Good luck
NTA
OMG what the heck is wrong with your sister? Sounds like they deserve each other. I’d nope out of going to the wedding as well. The only one ruining the wedding is your sister and her horrible behavior. Like what the heck kind of nonsense is this. Your dad is being an asshole for telling you to get over it. That’s bullshit.
An invitation is not a summons. Your sister isn’t owed anything and if you don’t want to go, then don’t, She made her bed now she can sleep in it. I just can’t get over the fact that she chose your toxic ex friend over you. That completely baffles me. Sadly your ex friend will end up treating your sister how she treated you and she’ll need support but it won’t be there because of how she chose her over you. People like that don’t change in a year. Rachel only asked to be maid of honor so that she could make a poke at you. It isn’t to be supportive of your sister’s wedding. She’s a vile human being that is just trying to make your life miserable because you cut her off. She no longer has a scape goat to take her shit so now she’s using your sister against you.
You are most definitely NTA.
NTA. If your sister thinks this is ok then she’s just as toxic. Book yourself a spa day instead.
So the request of Rachel is more important than the request of a sister? NTA.
NTA
NTA. You love your sister but she doesn’t love you.
Sidenote: those brides saying someone’s actions are “ruining their special day” never considered their wedding to be a special day since one person could ruin the entire thing for them. It just means they want you to do what they want then the day would be special according to them.
If your sister can choose the ex as maid of honour, you can choose not to go.
It’s called free will.
NTA.
Updateme!
NTA. Your sister is just as bad as Rachel. Don’t feel bad and don’t help, she doesn’t deserve it. I really can’t think of anything more cruel than to have her as MOH. She’s a total jerk.
There is a reason Rachel asked to be in the wedding party and it nothing to do with your sister and everything to do with hurting you. Guaranteed she is going to gloat how your sister chose her and not you. Your sister is enabling your bully. Bring all of this up to your sister and if she doesn’t budge then don’t go and go low or no contact with your sister.
NTA; your sister is choosing someone she knows harmed you, someone she claims to care about, and that should be enough to boot this woman from the entire event. Instead she’s ignoring that and choosing to support your abuser. She’s the only one ruining her day and she needs to get a grip and stop being a bridezilla. And tell your dad he can get over himself for a day but you’re not going to undo months of healing because your sister chose a b!tch who probably is only excited to be there because she knows if you’re there too, she’s causing you pain.
You’re not being dramatic you’re protecting yourself from a toxic person that traumatized you. As your sister she should be on your side not Rachel’s. Sounds like Rachel asked to be in her wedding to get to you. Are they close friends? I mean to choose her over her own sister is strange unless you two don’t get along. Stay home and send them a gift. My sister and I weren’t real close as we got older, but she was my maid of honor and her and her husband had a very small wedding, but I stood up for her. Emma is wrong and she’s ruined your relationship by picking a person she knew was toxic and refused to believe her own sister. And I can’t believe your father isn’t on your side, says something about he’s loyalty.
NTA
Your sister is choosing to have an AH in her wedding over family.
NTA. My sister and BIL got married at the end of May. On top of the financial cost (accommodation, petrol, food, and pet sitter/cattery as they live 4 hours away, and got married there), I’ve been no contact with my sperm donor for 4 and a half years (that’s a whole other post in itself to explain).
As much as I would love to have been at the wedding (and multiple people tried to convince me to go), I thought it would be best if I sit it out, as I knew if I’d gone, dad would’ve tried to start something, and I wanted the wedding to go as drama free as possible for everyone’s sake.
I did catch up with her just before the wedding when she came down to do pre wedding stuff with Mum and her bride’s maids, and gave her the wedding gift that I got her and BIL then.
NTA!
THIS IS AI. NOTHING HERE IS REAL
NTA your sister said you’re choosing to hold grudge over family? Well, aint she choosing an outsider, over you? Her sister?? I dunno what’s up with your dad? I mean, between some outsider and my daughters? Its a no brainer!!
Typical AI post.
Quotes in all the right places .
She going regret it when your ex friend slept with her husband.
Is this ragebait?
You didn’t tell your sister about this at all, immediately after?
She should have asked you to be MOH. And she wasn’t listening to you before about Rachel or doesn’t care. Rachel manipulated her and she doesn’t see it and also Rachel can grow as a person but not on the wedding day.
Give your sister a cardboard cut out of you, tell her- that it will take your place since you being there in person around your abuser will trigger a panic attack and you rather not make a scene at her wedding.
Your therapist is right. Boundaries are important.
And who knows maybe the only reason Rachel wanted to be in the wedding party is to rub it in your face especially if she would constantly be little you, sounds like she was envious of you. And she’s the maid of honor and not you????? Really?? WTF were they friends before the wedding?
NTA
Your sister doesn’t care about you. Trust your gut and walk away from toxic people
Why did your sister pick her to begin with? That’s a very important role for someone other than a close relative or lifelong friend.
You “…love my sister and want to support her, but…” does she love and support you?
As she says, its her wedding, she can choose who ever she likes. But its your life, you can choose to not attend!
BTW just because your sister can choose whomever she likes, she can also ‘unchoose’ people too.
You care about your sister, but this is not reciprocated, so as far as the wedding is concerned, walk away.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Tell your dad you ducked it up for FOUR years while they allowed the friend to abuse you.
NTA. So Rachel is still up to her old games – causing you grief and hurt for her own entertainment. She asked to be in the wedding party? Hmmm, wonder if she considered how you might feel about that, and chose the action most likely to hurt you and drive a wedge between you and Emma?
Stick to your guns here. Make it clear to your parents and everyone else that Emma is the one making a choice between her family and the woman who tormented her own sister. She sucks.
NTA. Your sister is free to choose whomever she wants as her maid of honour. Just as you are free to not attend her wedding. Actions have consequences.
Put yourself first. Do something wonderful on that day instead. Day spa?
nta
so, the ex friends asked for being included, and your sister, beside being fully informed about the problems, included her not only into the wedding party, but made her even the MOH?
Is the sister testing out how far she can push you, how far she can go for ‘her special day’/wedding craziness?
I’d take a step back and really reevaluate your sister, think about if there are small pokes, snipes, maybe ‘white lies’,… To me it does not sound like she sees you the same way as you see her
Tell your dad, Oh don’t worry, I did suck it up , just like you told me to. For four bloody years while she treated me like crap and you looked the other way. I guess that was my role, right? Be useful, be quiet, be the punching bag.
And now you’re still defending her? Honestly, it’s starting to feel like she’s your actual daughter and I’m just some stray you had to pretend to care about.
So tell me ,is that what this is? Are they your real kids and I was just the one you had to tolerate? ‘Cause if this is your idea of being a father… you’ve been faking it from day one.
Cause they sure have taken after his shifty behaviour
NTA, and your sister is awful! Stay away, but make sure to tell family why you’re not attending so Emma can’t spin the narrative!
NTA I would question how much my sister really loves me to make a decision like this, with this level of disregard of my feelings and my health. Getting married is no reason to be dismissive of a sister’s mental sanity.
NTA
Your sister is betraying you by doing this – imo you shouldnt even help her with the wedding, just cut her off… full NC.
NTA. Let your sister learn when Rachel tries to bang her fiancé at the reception or something. You’ll hear about it later from the safety of your home. But your sister chose to befriend your old shitty friend so much she’s MOH? Yeah, that was a choice. All you being there would do is give them both a target. Avoid the whole shit show.