I am 42f with two children 16f and 12m with my ex dany. I have been married to Greg 44m who had a son 15m and daughter 10f with her ex Lia.
We met at our children’s school. Dany and i jointly fund out children’s private school and they have college funds set by both set of grandparents. He is loaded. My ex and I don’t like each other. But we co parent well and want best for kids. Greg and I have decided that things we buy and treat kids equal at home. But school, college fund won’t be mixed as our ex are involved. As well as gifts from ex partners..
We have had to teach kids the differences about the income when it comes to my ex kids. Kids are nice to each other and share things. Although they definitely love their bio siblings way more.
Greg and his ex jointly fund their children education too. But Lia lost her job recently and has to downgrade. That means they can’t pay for same school. They had to change school. Now he is pressuring me that his kids hate that my children go to bigger international school. And we should change school after summer.
I told him that my kids education can’t be compromised and it was clear to us, that we are responsible for our children’s school as well as college education. We are fighting a lot on this and he is saying I am being too tough.
He is sleeping in other room. But I won’t change anything regarding my children and my ex alone can pay for children education, if I even try to do this and my kids will never forgive me.
I love Greg but this is the hill I will die on. I don’t think he would’ve changed his kids’s schools if this was the case on my side. Even if it means, I have to lose him. I am hurting inside . But I want best for my children.
Edit. I can’t take solo decisions on my children’s education. My ex will drag me to court and mind wash kids against me.
And second stop sending sex messages. I am not interested to cheat on my husband
Comments
Greg needs to get over himself and stop thinking that he gets a say on where another man’s children go to school when he isn’t even paying for it.
They aren’t his children, they have a father.
Their father pays for their education and not him. Their fathers finances and what he wants to provide for his children are none of his business.
He needs to get a grip and teach himself and his own children to manage their expectations.
They aren’t going to get everything they want in life and there will always be somebody who has more, is better off, is smarter, is more successful than them.
They don’t get to demand that other people do without because they don’t have.
Stand your ground on this one. I switched schools three times as a teen because of my parents’ drama, and it messed me up socially. Your kids’ education and stability shouldn’t be compromised just because Lia’s having financial issues.
NTA. This is the hill you should die on. Looks like kids get along well. Right moment to teach them. I would’ve understood, if both of your ex’s weren’t paying and fees were paid from the household income. Then yeah it could’ve been an awkward situation. But here your kids schools are the same pre marriage. And he isn’t funding it. You and your ex are jointly funding it
Also your ex will never agree and your image will be ruined in front of your kids. He will laught at you, If you become weak. Which I am sure you won’t. Your kids will never forgive you, if you uproot them. Kids will only understand, if your income or your ex’s are the one who had taken a hit. Step children should be loved. But not at the expense of your own bio children. Always remember that! Step are your children ( if kids want ) till marriage exists in most cases.
NTA. Greg has nothing to do with your children’s education and apparently has been that way since the beginning. Greg can’t change the rules because he feels your children are getting a better deal.
Your children come first and their education is so important, as well as being set up by going to a good school, good college etc.
I stand with you on this hill.
Nta. Protect your own kids.
NTA he drew a line and and you refused to cross it, also I don’t know if bill was intentional or not but I see what you did there lol
NTA
It is a joint decision between you and the children’s father, not the stepfather
Keep standing your ground! NTA you guys literally separated these things for a reason and now that his little helper isn’t anymore he feels slighted. He feels like wtf I have to fully pay for all this now?? and guess what that feeling isn’t your fault because it’s not your kids education.
again NTA He needs to get a grip on reality before he loses his family.
NTA. Changing your children’s school won’t benefit your husband’s children. This is just an easy fix. Your husband should try to find ways to secure their future (learning about criteria to get a scholarship, sport/art classes and/or on line courses to develop additional skills, etc)
NTA.
But is Gregg capable of covering more of the cost whilst Lia looks for another job if household expenses are cut back on? Is it possible to cut back on them? Just thinking out other options on a temporary basis as presumably school costs would half after the oldest leaves?
NTA.
Can you find a way to cover Lia’s end of the costs until she gets back on her feet?
Your kids with Danny shouldn’t be expected to change school as Lia lost her job. I get it that the kids want to be the same but this isn’t a reasonable expectation
Let him sleep in the spare room. He’s feeling bad that he/they can’t provide for his kiddos the way they used too. So, he’s pressuring you to downgrade so he doesn’t have to explain it to his kids or teach them a better way of handling their frustration/irritation at the recent change. That’s not his place. He needs to put on his big boy panties and have the convo with his kids. Is it easy, fun or right? No it’s crappy. Maybe OP could offer to cover some of the exes payment until she finds a new job? Other than that… let him sleep where he wants. Your kids shouldn’t have to suffer
NTA – keep being an amazing Mom
NTA, you’re being a good mom. Stand your ground and protect your kids.
Hold your ground. There is absolutely no reason for you to pull your children out of that school. It seems to me that this is the hill he chooses to die on since you were transparent about your boundaries since the beginning of your relationship. This is on him not you.
Greg is upset he can’t keep up with the Jone’s now so he wants the Jone’s to downgrade so he doesn’t have to face financial reality: He can’t afford to have his kids in the “better” school that his wife’s kids go to. This is a good lesson to teach your kids: How to let money and superficial considerations have the most meaning in your life. Sad.
This is the third time I have seen this story. Everything I read it someone different has lost their job.
The fact Greg would even ask is insane. I assume Danny would tell Greg “kids aren’t moving schools because your ex has financial issues”. You should tell him the matter is closed and any further discussions will be met with the appropriate dismissal of “fuck off”
When it comes to second marriages kids need to come first and partner second.
ESH. Honestly, it just seems like a pride thing.
If you were able to help bridge a year for his kids, that would be appropriate given you’re their step mother and Greg’s wife. If his ex couldn’t get another job, then switching makes sense.
If all of this was couched as your ex is effectively paying for your children, it might hurt Greg’s feelings if he can’t keep up, but I think the kids would understand – even if they’re not happy.
There just seems to be too many emotions and strong feelings now wrapped up with the discussions.
Instead of moaning at you tell his ex to find a job to fund the kids education.
This is their education and it shouldn’t be compromised because his kids are jealous.
I tell him if he doesn’t get out this sulk soon then he can leave.
You guys agreed things would be funded equally except education and college funds. You and your ex are funding your children’s education. You are setting them up for their future. Changing their schools could have lasting impacts socially and academically. I’m going to assume your kids enjoy their and have no desire to leave it.
NTA you are a very good mom. But I would not stay wirh someone who try to change my kids school because he is jealous that his ex can’t pay and wants to make me feel guitly by beîg cold and not sleeping with me.
Leave him you know if the role were reverse he would have said no. He just think if his children have less yours deserve less too. It’s toxic
This is like the third time I’ve seen a Version of this conundrum.
NTA. You are right to die on this hill.
NTA. He is putting pussy before his own children.
He doesn’t get to decide that for someone else’s children, how ever hard that is for him and his children.
It is wild to me that your (stbx) husband is telling you, “Your kids need to have a worse education so my kids dont feel bad” and thinks he has a leg to stand on. Even if he backs down I would divorce over this because what he’s telling you is “I will absolutely punish your children for something that isnt their fault, I don’t care about their education, and i will not hesitate in making their lives worse for my own benefit”. That is not the man you want around your kids.
I could understand asking you to consider helping to fund his kids tuition–or at least understand that he was going to be contributing more than he had been, as long as he was ok with you saying no.
But asking your kids to downgrade is shitty. No one’s lives are improved if your kids also have to go to the worse school.
NTA.
Definitely NTA. Your kids’ education shouldn’t be disrupted because of someone else’s financial situation. I went through something similar when my stepmom tried pushing me to switch schools to accommodate her kids. It affected my grades and mental health for months. Stand your ground on this one.
NTA, DO NOT CHANG ME YOUR CHILDREN’S SCHOOL
Definitely NTA. Your kids’ education shouldn’t be disrupted because of someone else’s financial situation. I went through something similar when my stepmom tried pushing me to switch schools to accommodate her kids. It affected my grades and mental health for months. Stand your ground on this one.
OP sounds like she is not from the U.S., but here joint custody specifically refers to educational and medical decisions. Residential custody deals with living situations. It’s entirely possible it’s similar in OP’s country and she wouldn’t be able to make any decisions about the kids’ schooling without the bio dad’s permission, anyway.
Greg’s a bitc
The generous thing to do would to help pay for his kids’ schooling until their mother can step back up. Being the better person vs dying on hills is something to consider given the long term effect this situation will have.
NTA
Asking you to sacrifice your children’s education so he doesnt have to deal with the fallout from his circumstances is LAZY.
Be prepared to loose him, tell him to drop the subject as you’ve spoken to your ex, your children’s father and hes adamant the children remain where they are. Don’t discuss again.
NTA, and yes this is indeed a hill to die on..
your kids don’t need to suffer for “the sake of family” and for the shortcomings of adults that were brought into their lives .
if you cave, your ex and kids will have the right to blame you about it..
be the great mom that you are and always put your kids first.
NTA. Your kids should always come first. This is his hang up and issue. You and your ex pay for your kid’s education and both of you and your kids are happy with that arrangement and their current school. Moving them to appease your husband could set them back and will make your kids unhappy, and will make co-parenting with your ex much more difficult. All of this will be detrimental to your kids.
It’s a shame that Greg is unable to see this, and it’s a shame that his kid’s can no longer continue at their school. But your kids shouldn’t have to pay for something that doesn’t concern them at all.
NTA. You’re sticking to your agreement. Besides, you’re not responsible for anyone’s children’s expectations but your own. It sucks that his kids are suffering because they had to change schools but you shouldn’t make yours suffer too just to appease them when there’s no need for it on their side. Greg and his kids are being selfish and entitled here. Die on this hill, we’ll all hold a Viking funeral for you.
His kids hate that your kids get to continue going to the school. So he wants 4 unhappy kids instead of 2. That’s really healthy.
Or you could compromise.. have ex pay for your kids and You help your husband pay for his kids.
It’s only for a few years, it is a sacrifice on your part but the benefits would be huge long term for your family
Just an idea. Good luck
Trust you know what’s best
NTA. Your kids should not suffer for Lia’s job loss. Making your kids change schools will only increase the conflict in your blended family.
Consider helping Greg’s kids stay in their preferred school for one year, if you can do so without jeopardizing your co-parenting relationship or feeling resentful. Be clear that you can only help for one year.
Tell him his ex should just find a new job or he should just earn more lol.
That’s probably way easier than the impact the school change would have on the life of your children
NTA
NTA.
Greg isn’t your kids’ parent, your ex Dany is.. Where your kids go to school is part Dany’s choice and responsibility, NOT Greg’s.. This isn’t his call, and frankly, not even yours in full, wether you wanted to comply with Greg or not.
If you want to continue being with Greg tho, i’d suggest getting some things on paper to avoid future “misunderstandings”.
Consistency is most important to kids that age.
Changing their school and disrupting their social life because their step-dad’s ex-wife lost her job seems insane.
I initially thought transparency with your ex-husband and have him pay more of your kids’ tuition so you and your current husband could pay more of his.
But I kept reading, and you’re married to an entitled ass hole . Also, please forgive me, but his kids are future entitled ass holes.
Literally storming outside, if my power goes out by your husband’s insane logic, i should be able to request your power be cut off also?
Not an asshole at all and all the best to your ass holes.
NTA, stand your ground and shield your kids.
Greg is feeling inadequate and emasculated that he is failing to provide for his kids.
It’s a blow to his ego and his pride that your ex has no problems sending your kids to school, and a huge blow to Greg’s heart that he is disappointing his children.
The solution is not to rip your children off the ladder here just to assuage hurt feelings.
The best thing to do is to help Greg find solutions to get his kids back into the preferred school (scholarships, second job, etc).
If Greg cannot find a solution, then family therapy will be required to help navigate emotions to prevent the family from splitting up over this.
Ok…. am i understanding this right? You and your ex pay for where your kids go to school? And you’re ex can no longer afford it? But you’re dictating that h
The kids still go to the same school based on what you and your current partner decide? The current partner who does nit contribute to your kids? Soooo you’ve just uncovered the flaw in your logic with all this. Your current partner is of a higher financial class than you and your ex. You and the ex can’t maintain it any longer, so it’s time to downgrade. I would never treat my partners kids differently financially, especially if I were “loaded” as you claim your partner to be. You agreed you and the ex would pay for your bio kids for school; so do it. If you can’t the you make adjustments.
Wow! As a mom…. You gotta do whats best for your kids. ESPECIALLY if this was discussed in detail before hand. He doesn’t get to change it as he goes…..
NTA
You should talk with the children together, explain the financial situation again and also make clear why the school situation is different for the different part of the family.
I think you need to leave this home and live alone. You can still have a relationship with your man but do not share a home with this man. He does not care about your kids and your family so you cant share a home with him. You can share a relationship with him where its only you and him but not a life.
I would break up if I was you but live apart as a minimum if he doesnt change fast.
You are right in your decision. A, decisions about your daughters don’t just depend on you
please stop posting fake shit
She married two duds.
NTA. This was clearly agreed on before — each parent handles their own kids’ school and college stuff. It sucks that his ex lost her job, truly, but that doesn’t mean your kids should have to take a hit. It’s not fair to punish them for something that has nothing to do with them. And honestly? The way he’s handling this — guilt-tripping you, sleeping in another room — feels manipulative. Stand your ground. You’re doing right by your kids.
As a parent, if you commit to a private education for your children, you need to have plans in place to ensure that this will remain throughout their education. Not doing so is, imo, poor parenting and planning, as well as being so unfair to the children.
Op, nta. From the outset, educational provision was set as being between the biological parents. It’s an unfortunate situation for the partner’s children, but the fault lies at their parents’ feet.
>hate that my children go to bigger international school.
The lesson should be the parents explaining they have not planned effectively and as a consequence, the children need to make the best of the school they’ve found themselves in. There’s no need for 4 children to be impacted for the failings of two adults who in effect are irrelevant to their lives.
NTA. The issue here is Greg, not you. He’s jealous and that’s his problem.
Obviously, the kids where funds cover the expensive school can’t be punished. Question is, whether the funding gap for the other lot can’t be closed. Did OP and others involved ever deliberate that? So either ESH or NAH.
Tell freakin’ Greg to do DoorDash at night or something. Or, give up his lattes. Or, save his change. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Isn’t that what assholes who are accustomed to a certain “lifestyle” have been telling young people for ages? Sauce for goose, sauce for gander, etc. Give it a whirl, Greggy Weggy.
Greg, I do not know you, Greg, but, I heartily dislike you, Greg. Pay for your kids’ school… Greg. That’s not your wife’s responsibility. She manages to send her own. (Go you, OOP!)
I was a young divorced mom of two, had only been out of law school/been practicing for a short time, when it became clear the racist area public school was breaking my son. My daughter didn’t exactly love it, but, managed ok. However, I could foresee problems fpr her down the road. So…
I sacrificed other things I might have wanted in order to send my kids to the best private school in the area, paying full tuition. (They’re half Indian, and were the only brown kids in their lily white public school. The private school had better diversity, better academics, and an atmosphere so superior to that shitty public school that it barely compared.) This continued when I remarried. When my third was born, we’d moved to a much better school district, and that kiddo thrived in public school, until we moved out of state. Then? Private for Third. ❤️
We make sacrifices for our kids. I did it as a single mother, who had to fight my cheating ex (who’d split up with me out when I was newly expecting our son,) for a crumb of attention or a few dollars for my kids. Greg can do it.
There is no reason to punish your bio children because your husband can’t afford the same school for your step children…
If his kids got into college and yours didn’t, would he keep them from going so your kids would feel better about themselves? If the answer is no, Greg can go fuck himself. If the answer is yes, Greg can go fuck himself.
Greg can get a higher paying job.
Couples counseling.
You both made a decision to not fund other people’s children. But I have a question. If the rolls where reversed, be honest. What do you think you would do?
Greg seems to think that his stepchildren’s father is an absent father, he isn’t, he may have split up with his children’s mother and they don’t like each other but he is funding his children and wants the best for them. OP is quite correct and should stand her ground. She has no desire to move her children from their current school and even if she did, their father would never agree.