i don’t even know where to start because i’m still shaking. i’m 19. i’ve been working part time since i was 16. every paycheck, i put a little away. nothing crazy, but enough to matter. it’s my money. it’s helped me pay for books, bus fare, snacks when we didn’t have food at home. i never asked them for anything. my stepdad? yeah… he’s not the best person. he doesn’t work. like at all. he just stays home, drinks, watches TV, and plays poker online like he’s some pro. spoiler: he’s not. he loses. a lot. a few nights ago, he barges into my room while i’m studying and straight up demands to see my bank account. like, what?! says i’m being “selfish” and that “family helps each other out.” i asked what he needed the money for. he said, “just give it.” i kept pushing and he finally admits he wants to “flip it” in a poker game. i told him no. flat out. i said, “you’re not taking my savings so you can gamble it away.” he got red. started yelling. said i was disrespectful and ungrateful. my mom didn’t say anything just sat there on the couch like she was somewhere else. an hour later, he comes back with my duffel bag and says, “if you don’t wanna act like part of this family, then get out.” and my mom just watched. so yeah, i packed. slept in my friend’s garage that night.
i’m crashing on her floor now while i try to figure things out. i haven’t heard from my mom once. part of me knows i did the right thing. but another part? it’s whispering that maybe i should’ve helped. like maybe i was cold. or harsh. or too proud. idk. was i wrong for refusing to give my savings to a man who only wanted to gamble it?…Aita?
Comments
NTA. The only thing he’s flipping is his last remaining brain cell trying to justify stealing from his own kid.
You wouldn’t be helping, you’d be enabling. Stick to your guns.
NTA!! Do not give in to this nonsense! He has no right to your savings.
Do you have other family you can stay with? Do you have your important papers – ID, birth certificate, SS card?
It’s called financial abuse.
No way!! You did the right thing. I’d sleep in a birds nest before being an enabler to a fully grown man with a gambling addiction! See if u can find a studio apartment or extended stay. Or better yet, stay with your friend or at a shelter until you figure things out. And forget your mom. She’s mindless and under his control.
NTA, sounds like you need a one-on-one conversation with your mom somewhere that is not around AH stepdad. It’s time to let her know that the man-child who lives with her is going to ruin her life and relationship with you. If she can’t find the courage to kick is lazy butt out or find counseling to talk to then sadly, she is a lost cause in this problem. If AH stepdad tries to play this game again, call the police for basically threatening you. It sounds like you have been subconsciously planning your escape from this guy for a while, and this is the sign to get away from this toxic AH.
You need to contact CPS. This is not okay.
Helping would of been paying a bill or two, filling the fridge and cupboards with a food shop. Help is NOT enabling addictions. Also, its your hard earned money, no one is entitled to it except you!
I do worry about what your mum might be going through with him for her to sit there silently like she’s checked out? Or has she always been hands off and just doesn’t care?
Either way, cut the toxic out and go live your best life 💜
NTA you should actually never go back because gambling addicts might just turn to physical violence
Don’t give him a fucking dime. You’re 19–make your own way in life now. Giving him money to gamble is NOT “helping”.
NTA. Make sure your bank account doesn’t have anyone else’s name on it. And change your password just in case SD finds it. Sadly your mother sounds like she is a victim of DV. I hope she can get the help she needs.
NTA
I’m so sorry this happened and that your mother just daily by and let him kick you out.
Can you stay with other family, your dad or grandparents maybe?
Otherwise look into your local young adult services they might be able to help
“But family” is a stupid reason to tolerate bullying or abuse. You’re now legally an adult so he cannot force you to do anything Is there anyone else you can live with? Your stepdad is a horrible human being but so is your mom. You need to get away from both of them. DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY. You were not cold or harsh. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself. NTA
updateme
NTA. Please tell me that neither him or your Mum have access to your account. If they do they will drain it. If they do I would suggest that first thing tomorrow, you go open an account at a different bank and transfer all your money there.
NTA
There is no debate. There is no question
He is not even asking out of actual need, but out of a desire to gamble
You not only don’t owe him your money, you would be doing him a disservice to give it to him
You can see he has addiction issues. Feeding will only hurt him as well as make you broke
That’s your money not his stick to your guns
Talk to your friend/friends about couch surfing for a bit, get you a old U-Haul van or any cargo without side windows, stay in it and keep saving, if you work remote get Wi-Fi installed and travel. You don’t have a family to hold you back, if your friends help out in this time. They’re your new family and so am I if you ever need to talk
It is easy for us to say don’t give him anything. But its very hard to survive out there. So if you do need to go home I would open a second bank account they don’t know about. Take the money out in cash and say you had to use it for stuff/surviving, and deposit it in the hidden new one. Then show them the old one and only give a small amount to them.
Change your pay to go to the hidden secret account and then transfer less than you get paid to your old one every pay day.
Nta he the adult get a job. Your mom the real loser we let it happen. Moms are supposed to defend her young. But you should go nc and just work towards a good place for yourself any grand parents aunt uclea who can take you till you finish school
NTA.
If you want to help out…you can help if there isn’t food and such.
But you pay for it and you get to decide how it’s ate and it’s your money.
Now..,you ARE an adult; it’s not their responsibility to feed or house you any longer.
NTA~ Never help out an addict. It will only get worse.
nta good for standing up against this bully
go nc
Tell him no. Find a relative or friend to stay with until you get stable and can get your own place. Then…sign him up for every employment agency in your area and nation wide.
Keep your money!
That man isn’t even blood kin!!!
He’s sick! He’s a gambling addict. He’ll do anything to get hold of your money.
Now ME? I’d straight up lie like a rug! I’d do the research and I would tell him that I tried to double it by investing it in penny stocks, that were recommended by an A.I. Stock trading platform!m
I’m not suggesting as you lie to him. I’m just saying that I would!
I’d be trying to spin it like I was trying to do HIM a favour by doubling MY money, to SHARE with him, using one of the new AI platforms, “I mean, it’s AI! What could go wrong?”
I’d hang my head!
I’d shed tears!
I’d beg forgiveness!
But that’s just how I take things out of the picture. If you try to strong-arm rob me, I’ll make the thing you crave vanish like the Statue of Liberty, and I’m David Copperfield!!!! Only when I vanish something, it STAYS vanished!
( He made the Statue of Liberty disappear in front of a live audience, in 1983)
Find something that works for you, make the money vanish, permanently, because he’s sick, and he’s NOT done trying to steal your money.
He may try forging a check on your accounts.
If he does you will need to file a police report, press charges, and the bank will give you your money back.
But you’ll have to press charges.
You won’t have “done it to him”, he’ll have done it to himself!
But it’s better if you protect yourself, so you don’t have to.
Call CPS, they’ll kick him out. NTA and never, ever show him your account or give him money.
NTA not now, not ever. You took the initiative to save for yourself, for your legitimate needs. Now you genuinely have a reason for saving your own money – it’s to find your own place. Because sooner or later, it would be some other reason to kick you out. BTW your mother is definitely an AH. Go live a good life for yourself and put as much distance between yourself and them as possible. They will always be asking for money but please never give it to them.
No you weren’t wrong. I’m a former addict and that’s called enabling (if you do give him the money) and manipulation (on his part.) Maybe if it was for food or something medical I’d say consider it. He obviously has a gambling (and maybe a drinking) problem and sometimes it’s worse with gamblers because they justify with well it’s legal and at least I’m not getting high. But in the end when you lose the car the house can’t buy food what’s the difference?
Is there a family member you can talk to? A school counselor or a trusted teacher that can help you find a place to stay? Can you rent a room from someone?
If your money is not in the bank, you need to open an account and put it there to protect it.
You need to get out of that house ASAP. If your stepfather doesn’t work, how does he drink and gamble all day?
DO NOT GIVE HIM A DIME.
NTA but your mom is for allowing this abuse.
I’m so sorry your mom is such a pathetic sack of garbage. If you can get far far away and go NC, please do that. She may technically be related to you, but that’s not family.
He would have kicked you out even if you gave him your money.
Fuck no, get out of that toxic situation. Be ready to help your mom get over the loser if she ever wises up.
The number of people who can’t see the abuse going on in this household is astounding.
Legally he can’t evict you unless proper notice is given along within certain time frame . The fact that your bio mom did nothing to deescalate the situation is disturbing.
NTA
It might not look like it but both stepfather and mom gave you a present – Freedom.
The freedom to leave them behind, they do not respect you and they do not deserve you.
See if there is a family member that is not toxic that will help you or a friend and move on with your life.
Do not look back. If your motherland to support a worthless man financially and emotionally that is her decision, her circus, not yours.
NTA.
You wrote that you “put a lille away”. I understand it this way, that you already contributed to food and housing. That he wants the whole paycheck is greedy. I agree with the others, that helping would be paying a bill or for groceries, not supporting an addict.
How awful. Your mom married and is now enabling an addict. This makes me rage. Fun fact about gamblers- underneath it all, they are tremendously angry people. You deserve so much better, kid. Never, but never, throw good money after bad. Whenever someone makes such a money demand, stop for a second and remember just HOW HARD YOU WORKED TO EARN IT. That should put your trepidation to rest!
NTA. He’s an abuser and a gambler. The reason why you didn’t have food in the house sometimes? Because your poor mother is trying to pay all the bills while that slug lays around playing games and gambling away any money she does have. Do NOT give him money or any access to your account. If your mom’s name is on it (or his), go to the bank and change that account immediately. I hope your mom gets away from him. You need to find a better living environment. Don’t go bsck.
You’re better off away from them , live your best life away from them
NTA.
So sorry you are going through this, but it is better this way. Your mom is not going to stand up for you.
Wish you all the best hon ❤️
No no no get the fuck out. Don’t look back. Screw both of them. They are dead to you now. Good riddance, no great loss. It’ll be tough to get out there on your own but you could try random things to help out. Flip furniture or something. Go get some furniture from a thrift store. Clean it up a bit, sell it for a bit more. You can go nuts and refurbish the whole thing, but you don’t have to.
You’re a minor, and they can’t kick you out. Stop into a police station and ask if they can hook you up with Child Protective Services, or whatever it’s called in your area. BTW, your mom is afraid of that bum, and should be ashamed of herself. Good luck.
Do not “help” him. He is an addict and you will never see that money again.
Keep in low contact with your mom if you feel the need but if at all possible don’t go back there.
I pray you are blessed with a clear path and all the resources you need to succeed.
If you are asking you already know the answer to that question. Shame on your mom
NTA. Keep your money and screw your stepdad and mother. She never said anything to him about telling you to give him your money! What kind of mother does that?
Your mum is a bigger piece of shit
NTA tell that guilty part of your brain to eff off. Your refusal is perfectly reasonable and your mom is neglectful for letting him speak to you like that, trying to take your money and allowing him to kick you out.
NTA. Your mother and stepfather are though.
Do you have friends or family you could move in with? There’s such a toxic situation at home you deserve better.
What the hell is wrong with your mother ???? Your stepdad is a tool but your mother ….
WTF
you are 1000%
NTA
Tell him, “How about you start acting like a husband and get a job to support your family. You are a disgrace”
Ask mom, “Haven’t you had enough yet? I will be back eventually to get my stuff, once I figure out where I am going. You’re welcome to start a new life without him”
Find an apartment
I’m more upset at your mother!!
NTA- That’s awful, but if you ever second guess or doubt your decision, just remember that if you gave in and gave money this time, it wasn’t going to stop there.
Giving someone money to gamble is not helping
NTA. Your savings are yours and yours alone. You are not an ATM. Ensure your money is in an account he has no access to and doesn’t know about.
NTA, but why’d you leave ?
not only are you not wrong, but you can call the police on him for throwing you out like that. you have established residency, that’s an illegal eviction. they’ll make him let you back in.
Nta, very reasonable. Sooner you move out the better.
Your mother is terrible.
NTA did you take your bank statements letters with you? Make sure you get all letters sent to a different address asap along with your bank and keep watching on your credit score incase your step dad applies for stuff in your name.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
NTA. He needs to get a job, and leave your money alone.
If you r reallythink you could be TA in this situation then maybe use the savings to get some psychological help
NTA By the sounds of it you’re well out of there. It may be difficult at first, but don’t go back. Good luck.
NTA. You have no obligation to give your money to anyone else. Especially in this situation where your stepfather is going to blow it, he doesn’t contribute to the household, and he’s an AH. He’s one to talk for real!! Your mom I can only assume has seen some abuse from this man and is scared of him. You’re 19, I would take this as your opportunity to fly the coupe and use that savings to help start your new life.
NTA. But I do believe the best thing for you is to not return to your parents house. I recommend finding a new place to stay whether its going to a cheap college and living in a dorm like I did (mine was a small college 8k a year and 4th year free), living with friends or extended family, or getting your own place. Shoot even joining the military is an option. My senior year of college when I wasn’t in school and on school breaks I was renting a furnished room from a lady for 750 a month. You can find rooms on furnished finder or find a property manager. I know one of the property managers in my town has cheaper apartments for rent. Consider moving out of your city to a place where your parents can’t just show up. Your step dad did you a favor by giving you an excuse to get out of the house. You can do this. Don’t be discouraged or disheartened. You will look back and realize this was the best thing that could have happened to you. This could Jumpstart your career and life for the better!
Edit: if you can, try to get your important documents. Social security card, ID, passport, birth certificate. Sometimes if you call the nonemergency police number depending on if the officer is busy they can escort you back to your house and basically wait outside while you grab your stuff. Especially if you kindly explain the situation and say you are worried about an “escalation” if you don’t want police involved find a really muscular older man who is big and tall to go with you. Usually that will keep things cool. Just need someone to keep him in check. I also recommend monitoring your credit report so no credit cards or loans are taken out in your name.
You did the right thing. Absolutely you did the right thing!!! Congratulations on making the best choice with no help from the people who are supposed to be there for you. Stay away from them. You got this!!
You’re NTA but it sounds like your mother might be in a domestic violence situation. Certainly it sounds like your step father is financially abusing your mother and she might be stuck with no way out because she has no funds to escape. You however can because you have savings, are an adult and can leave.
I would suggest OP that in your plans for your future, you make it a priority to not go back. I would also suggest that if you have relatives on your mother’s side that are sane you reach out and tell them what’s happened. They might be able to help your mother get away (maybe they can help you too).
One day account
NTA
NTA your mother is that she had you live in this environment. Honestly, I would have a long talk with her about your relationship ending if she’s not willing to divorce this dude. This would perhaps be different if she was asking for help and paying all of your bills now as an adult and had left him, but talk to her, without him.
Don’t do it!!
Stick a dollar to the bottom of your shoes. If he wants the money, he’s gonna have to lick it off.
If you don’t have your important documents, go get them now. Lock your credit down now if you haven’t already
NTA; even if it wasn’t for gambling, he will still always see what is yours as his because he’s human trash. I’m petty so I would have sent my mother a text saying, “You sat there and watched as he demanded my money I earned so he could gamble it away. You sat there and watched while he literally kicked me out. You chose him over your own child; if he is still in your life, I will never be in yours, and I will not hesitate to tell everyone the truth when they ask.”
Please hide & keep ALL your Banking info firmly locked down from you family, esp. from your Step-Dad.
Sounds like your SD is ready to steal from you!
If he asks about your Bank Accounts & whatever monies you have, tell him that’s NOT any of his concern.
If he needs any $, then he needs to go to a Bank to borrow monies from them & that your not a Bank, either.
Then shut that conversation down, asap.
I can’t believe this grown arse adult is ready to steal from his own child, too.
NTA
Your money you worked for it it’s not his or anybody else’s to think that they are entitled to it
Nta. Lock down your credit and don’t give them any money. Do you have any other family you can live with
No, you’re NTA. But you are in shock. Don’t bother telling him anything. Go full no contact with both parents. At least for now. How you feel is how you feel, and if you decide to contact your mom, or both of them I guess, at some future point, that’s up to you. But your step dad’s addiction has brought him to where he is a threat to you. Don’t go back there.
I understand you’re shaking, you’re doubting yourself, and you left because you didn’t know what to do. But leaving was the right decision.
From what I can tell, you’re strong, resilient, and smart. You’ve been taking care of yourself to some extent for three years. Take a moment to breath. It’s normal to grieve for the loss of the life you knew. Then start working on building a new life for yourself.
I wish I could look for resources for you. But I’m in the middle of a family crisis myself. Please tell us where you live. Hopefully redditers who know more than I do will have some good suggestions for you.
Your job now is building a new life for yourself. You have my ewspectvsnd my best wishes. I’ll check back when I can think straight again.
Definitely do not give him any money. Question, does your mother work? Does she enable him? How do they survive if he is spending all the money gambling? I would definitely find somewhere else to stay, with family or friends until you can find a cheap studio or even room to rent elsewhere. Good luck!
I’m so sorry this happened. You’re definitely NTA. I hope you are able to find a stable place to live.
I’m assuming she’s working and supporting this POS. She’s so dickmatized she’s not protecting her child from a POS adult who would rather take from a kid than get a job. CPS needs to be involved.
OP, you’re NTA. Is your dad still in the picture? Are there any other family members you can go to? I’m glad you have a safe place to land for now, and hope things work out for you. Should you end up going back home, be sure to protect your bank account so stepdad can’t steal your money.
NTA I’m so glad you got out, even if things are uncertain right now. It is almost certainly that if you’d stayed, you’d still have no support from your mother, and if you’d given him the money, it would have never ended. You called his bluff, when he said leave, and left. You owe neither of them anything. If your mother comes to you with some sob story, be strong, and remember, when you needed her, when her husband was bullying you and throwing you out of your home, she did and said nothing! If she says to you, family helps family, ask her where that family was while she watched him try to steal your hard earned money, and threw you out. I am sure you will be able to build yourself a real family, full of people who love and respect you….. Family doesn’t always mean blood, it means the people who support you without question, who have your back, who will fight for you, and expect nothing in return, the people that you love unconditionally, and they love you xxx Wishing you so much happiness and love moving forward xxxx
NTA, go to a homeless shelter and see if you can get housing. If you are at college then speak to your school housing department to see if they can get you accommodation.
Block them both and live your life. Let your mom guess for the rest of her life about what happened to you when she let you be kicked out by your degenerate stepfather. She doesn’t deserve you.
You need to do an official change of address at the post office. Maybe get a PO Box? You can’t risk anything important going to their house.
Are you in school? If so, make sure they don’t have access to your records. They PROBABLY wouldn’t do something crappy like unenroll you, but they would have way too much insight and POTENTIAL power. They don’t need insight into you at ALL. Tell the admin that you want anyone other than you BLOCKED.
You need to make sure your job send your tax documents somewhere else too. Just go in and update your W-2. Maybe a grandparent’s address? A trusted friend?
You need your birth certificate and Social Security card. If you don’t have them, you can order new ones. Do so. Don’t waste time trying to get the ones from your parents’ house.
NTA I’m so sorry. You made the right call though. If you gave him the money it would be gone in minutes. All your hard work – for nothing. Best of luck to you in finding some resources to help you.
Too right you done the right thing . Hope you get yourself somewhere sorted to stay .
Absolutely don’t give your money to either of them. Get on your own feet first, and then consider trying to help your mother get out of that. Although if she resists help, don’t push too hard, just wait till her marriage falls apart and then try to help her.
Never ever, never never never give him your money. You know that. The problem here is your mom, tell her what she deserves to hear. Some random loser kicked her child out and she acts like she hasn’t seen anything.
NTA he has a gambling addiction and your mom is a coaddict with him which is why she won’t stand up for you. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You are NTA, don’t give him a single cent, he will only loose it and demand more!
feel like ive read this before
Call the police on him. It’s illegal for him to force a minor to leave the house where their parent resides. It is also illegal for a person to coerce a minor into showing him their bank account. (assuming he is not listed as an account holder or legal guardian). Also, it’s illegal for him or your mother to kick you out. She is legally obligated to house and feed you. If a police officer found out that this was the way you were being treated, they would absolutely help you control this dude. (Also, if the police showed up, your mom would be forced to act like she gives a fk.) Tell them both in no uncertain terms that you are within your legal right to live in your mother’s house until you’re 18. She could try to forfeit her guardianship, but this will cost her as she would have to pay more in child support than she would to feed and house you. You would also have the right to sue her for emotional distress once you are an adult. If you could prove the things you’re saying about your step-dad and his gambling problems and prove that he is trying to forcibly take your money, you would have a very good chance of winning such a lawsuit on grounds that your mother was neglectful of her duty as a parent. You have rights. Oftentimes, weak minded adults need to be made to do the right thing with laws. You’re definitely NTA. Also, if you fear your mother would be willing to take your money on his behalf, take it out of the bank and hide it somewhere safe. She does have the (legal) right to take your money and use it however she sees fit until you’re 18.
Never give money to gambling addicts. Never. Your mom sucks, if she’s unhelpful, cut her out for a bit. I wish you all the best! Maybe you can reconnect with your mom once she opens her eyes and kicks that addict out, because he costs her her child.
AI generated
NTA. He’s a sinking ship, you’re under no obligation to go down with the ship. No doubt you worked hard to earn that money, what you choose to do with it should be entirely your choice.
NEVER feed the monkey for a gambler. They will continue to take and take. I hope your mom csn find her way out of his clutches, too.
he has a gambling addiction, you dont need to feed it. Youll be better off without him.
NTA
You don’t help feed a gamblers addiction .
He’s a horrible person
Your mum isn’t much better either. Sitting and watching as a man she chose kicks out the child she birthed because you wouldn’t give him your hard earned money to feed his addiction.
Congrats on having great friends. Start looking around for house shares or see if your friend would agree to taking some rent for some space in her place til you can get on your feet
“Family helps each other out”
“Get a job, old man”
Check your credit report to make sure they didn’t open any credit cards in your name.