So, this has been building for a while. My husband’s younger sister has always asked us for money. Not once in a while. I mean constantly. Rent. Groceries. School stuff. Hair. Makeup. Nights out. Whatever it is, there’s always a reason. At first, I was okay helping out. I get it. She’s single, part time job, trying to figure things out. Fine. But it started becoming a pattern. Like clockwork, she’d text or call asking for something. And it was never just “Can I borrow?” it was “I need this now,” like we were her personal bank. The thing is, we have a kid. We’re not rich. We budget. We skip stuff. I coupon like crazy. We’re doing the best we can. So yeah, sometimes I say no. I’ve started saying it more often, actually. Especially when it’s stuff that feels… optional. Like new shoes she doesn’t need or a weekend trip with friends. This week, she called me while I was literally trying to put my son down for a nap. I let it go to voicemail. She called again. Then texted. I finally pick up and she goes, “I need 5k by tonight, I’m short on rent.” No “hi,” no “can I please,” nothing. Just demand. I told her, calm but firm, “Sorry, I really can’t. I’ve got bills and my son’s school coming up. We don’t have anything extra right now.” She went off. Said I was selfish. Said I “forgot where I came from.” Said if it was my own family, I wouldn’t hesitate. She brought up how she once paid for my coffee three years ago?. It got nasty.
She hung up on me. Then my husband comes home and is weird with me. Apparently she called him crying and now he feels bad. He didn’t say I was wrong, but he did that quiet guilt trip thing like, “she just doesn’t have anyone else,” and “she’s struggling more than we are.” And now I’m the bad guy. Again. But I don’t think I did anything wrong? I have my own kid to think about. I’m already stretched thin. Why is it my job to always cover her? So yeah… Aitah?
Comments
Info: why doesn’t she have money for rent? Is she working?
Another entitled spoiled brat. SIL mistook your kindness for weakness. Instead of her working extra hours, budgeting her money, etc she expect you to just hand over your hard earned cash. It sounds like she definitely doesn’t appreciate all the money you have already given her, and expects the money train to keep rolling in. I am shocked at her audacity. Heck no don’t give her another dime. She doesn’t appreciate it, and never will. She is narcissistic and demands the money then blames you and makes herself the victim, when told no. Let her find another sucker.
By giving her money you are stunting her growth. You are enabling her. You are not showing her love – you are taking the easy route – giving her shut up money.
Offer to get her a financial advisor.
Talk to your husband – get on the same page – say NO in a united fashion.
She needs to hit rock bottom befor she learns. She needs to face bankruptcy and work her way out of it. She needs to lose her rental, her car
Give her groceries to take home. A list of food banks and thrift shops.
NTA… YWB TA if you dont let her learn. It would be inconsiderate to everyone she mooches off and she would never learn
NTA. 5k is a huge sum to ask for! Maybe your husband is giving her more than you know about. She needs to be able to live within her budget which it sounds like she can’t. You and your husband should offer to sit down with her, go over all her bills and create a budget. If she doesn’t want to do that, then her pattern of asking for money will continue and get worse.
So your husband would rather take food out of his own kid’s mouth to put booze in his sister’s mouth? You should frame it that way.
He needs to understand his sister IS NOT struggling more than you guys are, she’s just effing lazy. Pt time work? What the ever loving fuck?
NTA. But you have a HUSBAND problem. He thinks his sister outranks his own CHOSEN family.
She can move back home.
NTA. Not only do you have a SIL problem more importantly you have a husband problem. He should be standing beside you on not giving her money anymore. I can guarantee you that if y’all stand firm in NO she will magically come up with the money. & if not, well that’s not your problem. You have a child that depends on you. She is an adult who sounds like they like to blow money on whatever (with YOU footing the bill) they feel like & EXPECT YOU to pay their rent (on top of everything else.) Honestly if your husband doesn’t stand with you, then you have a bigger problem than a sponge of a SIL.
NTA. You need a strong, smart husband and instead it sounds like you got yourself the common jellypussy boy. Sad.
I would be checking if your husband gave her money, also show him the texts so he can see how rude she was demanding money. Why are you the only ones she can ask? Are your in laws or any other relatives around for her to ask?
How does a person with a part time job have 5k rent? This sounds like a bigger problem. How does she still get to take trips or hang out of she cant afford rent? She will never grow up as long as she have you 2 as her bank.
Time to cut her off completely. Not a dime more. She’s taking you for a fool and is treating you like an ATM. Who thinks anyone has 5 grand just lying about? And even worse, that they can just afford to give that kind of money away?
Tell your husband he needs to grow a spine. He has a family that can’t afford to enable a grown woman who thinks she’s entitled to their income, especially when you are barely making ends meet as it is. If you are skipping things and couponing you are obviously sensible with your limited income. Stop throwing your limited savings into a pit and setting fire to it.
NTA.
I have one too.
It never ends.
Now, she’s 40-something and has kind of somewhat accepted we’re not spending a penny for anything that isn’t medical necessity.
My wife still has a chunk of debt entirely due to her. It’s finally down to low 5 figures and my wife has kept it sequestered from our finances, so we’re financially strong, but we’d be in our dream house if not for that albatross.
And that’s not even considering the costs of taking in raising her child who we love.
NTA
She’s quite capable of getting a full-time job instead of a part-time job to cover her expenses.
She needs to grow up and be a responsible adult.
Why bother EVER giving her money? She sounds very immature and irresponsible. Shes not your responsibility and giving her anything only enables her. Where are her parents? Stop being her ATM
“Said if it was my own family, I wouldn’t hesitate.” Of course you wouldn’t. You are responsible for your own family.” You have a child you are responsible for. You are not responsible for your adult sister. BTW, why is she only working part-time? Is she a full-time student? Perhaps if she got a full-time job, she’d be able to support herself without the constant begging for money.
Don’t let your husband continue the familial pattern of indulging her mooching and irresponsible lifestyle. She needs to learn how to budget and work more hours. There’s no way she needs 5k for rent out of nowhere.
What type of place is she living in that cost $5K per month? I would be willing to bet that your rent or mortgage doesn’t cost that much a month? Ask your husband why she should live better than y’all. If you are renting, ask him how he expects to ever save for a down payment on a purchase if you keep giving her everything she asks for?
Watch your banking account because your husband may let her have the money! You’ll never have any savings or extra spending cash if you continue to give her money every time that she sees something she wants. Stand your ground with both of them. Tell him out right that the sister no longer gets any money from your accounts. If he doesn’t agree you have a big husband problem.
NTA!!! She can door dash or do a side gig to get extra cash not your problem.
5k for rent? YTA if you continue to support your SIL. There may be reasons she needs money but no excuse for you being the source she continually draws from. Tell your husband to tell her no and he can give her the number of a local financial counselor.
Husband says “she’s struggling more than we are”, tell him “MORE than we are? So you recognise that we are ALSO struggling right now? And if we help her with such a large sum, again, and get her out of a bind she got herself in to, again, WE will be the ones struggling MORE? And that by continuously doing so you are directly contributing to the risk of OUR CHILD growing up in poverty, for an adult who should by now have her shit together and needs to start paying her own bills?”
And then he’d be blocked from accessing any of my accounts.
You have a hubby problem that you need to fix.
NTA
Shes a grown single woman she’s literally taking food and other things away from your child by taking your money. Ask your husband why your child has to go without so his sister can go on vacation
I don’t think you’re really doing her any favors. She needs to learn how to manage her own money and how to spend it wisely. This is impacting your family now and your ability to grow in the future. I think the gravy train should stop. Now.
”Yes I do think my own family – me, my child and my husband – is my priority to take care of. You buying me a coffee three years ago doesn’t really help me paying our bills, our rent, our essentials or our vacations. I do not have any extra money to spend on you. Just like you do not seem to have extra money to spend on us. The difference is that we make sure we have enough for us three. You should do the same for your family of one, budget and spend only what you earn.”
5,000 fucking dollars???? For rent???? What is her place made of? Gold? Your husband should be backing you up instead of being her personal piggy bank. You 2 have a family to take care of. SIL should fuck all the way off
$5k for rent, where is she living? She needs to live someplace cheaper. Make sure your husband doesn’t give her money. Tell her to get a full time job
Introduce “friction” into the equation. For instance, say okay, but its gonna take a coupla days until I get paid. Get rid of the immediate gratification part. And make sure there’s some semblance of a plan to pay it back and then say that she hasn’t paid back the last one. Or say to just use the money you had agreed to pay back, as the current needs funding. Make her go through your husband, and then guilt him for too much. No amount of money is gonna fix her problems.
NTA not even one little bit. As a parent you are responsible for your child’s well being not your entitled sister in law. Unfortunately people like this see you as nothing more than an ATM. Also, I’m disappointed in your husband for his weak sauce response
NTA. There is a huge difference between someone occasionally asking for $100 to help with groceries or gasoline, and asking $5000 for obviously overdue back rent. Tell your brother to grow a pair, sit with his sister and actually offer to help her budget, or apply for better jobs, and explain to her that you are not a bank. She is stealing from your child’s future.
If she doesn’t have enough money apparently she needs to work more. I don’t know why your husband would think it’s okay for you guys to be her bank. She spoiled and entitled and she needs to be cut off completely I wouldn’t give her a cent.
” Our son and our own finances come first. If you want to give her yoir money, fine, I will walk with our child and apply for custody so you can continue to fund her entitled behavioir but im not taking food out of ours mouths to feed her irresponsibility. We’ve enabled this for far too long. “
NTA
SIL needs a full-time job and she needs to budget as adults do.
5K? She wants 5K? Fking hell. No, no, no & no.
Updateme
You have a husband problem. And you have doormat syndrome.
She is an adult and she only has a part time job? What the hell?!? And why the hell are you paying for makeup (want not need), hair (want not need), nights out (want not need). And where is she living? She pays $5k rent per month? WTF! She needs a cheaper place with roommates.
You need to get a grip. Sit your husband down and say she has to begin standing on her own two feet. No one is going to bail you two out, she needs to grow up!
Your husband is very immature. Him giving you the silent treatment except to throw guilt at you is childish. His sister has done NOTHING to improve her circumstances. She’s struggling because she refuses to live within her means and she is lazy. Neither of which are your responsibility to subsidize. Cut her off completely. If your husband refuses, then you have serious decisions to make, because this girl will cause continued resentment and great financial burdens.
She is worse off, so does that mean you have to keep on giving your money till you’re on a” level pegging”, your husband is putting his own sister above his wife and his child, this cannot carry on , you need to stop this now and go no contact , possibly with both siblings.
Try and calculate how much money you gave her, over the years. Show it to your husband.
That figure should help with the discussion HE needs to have with his sister.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
Firstly, why is she working a part time job if she can’t afford to pay her rent and buy her own groceries???
You and your husband are ENABLING her. If she is an adult (which I’m presuming she is) she needs to work adequate hours to fund HER lifestyle. That is what adults do.
My sister is very well off. Whilst she has been generous with me it’s not expected (she’ll randomly send me things like an airfryer one year, a stick vacuum that she really liked and thought I would too, that type of stuff, but I’ve never asked her. I’ve never seen my sister clip a coupon and I certainly would never demand $5K for my mortgage.
YWBTA if you keep enabling her, especially to the detriment of your own family.
Your husband is a spinless idiot 🙄
Please choose more wisely on your next spouse!!
😡😡😡
If she had a full time job, she wouldn’t have energy or time to spend your money! Tell her NO and tell husband you’re done giving her anything! You have a child that needs things before her lazy *ss!
How are her struggles more difficult or important than yours? You have a young child to support. You’re trying to budget your own money wisely, so you can afford your own bills. I don’t know Sils age, but I’m betting she’s old enough (aka an adult) to manage her own life, without demanding handouts from you. Remember, the more you give, the more she’ll take. It’s called enabling. She’s perfecting the art of guilting and manipulating you into giving her money when you refuse her demands. Your money isn’t his sisters personal piggybank to dip into whenever she chooses. Of course she’ll cry and throw a tantrum when you set your much needed boundaries with her. But those boundaries are long overdue and completely necessary. Talk to you husband, be united in your stance, and make your sil understand she needs to be responsible for her own finances.
This needs to stop. For the sake of all of you. She has to become an adult, and by bailing her out every time she gets in trouble you are in fact enabling her childish behavior. You’re a mom- you get it. Being independent isn’t for you- it’s for her, so she can stand on her own two feet and live her life properly
NTA. Total up all the money you guys have given her. Does he realize? Is he ok with her attitude? Her lack of gratitude? Her lack of effort to pay anything back?
So she lives the easy and fun life on your dime while you scrimp and save? When did you last get new shoes you didnt need, go on a fun weekend or night out? When did you not have to pay your own rent cos someone bailed you out?
NTA there’s helping in an emergency, and then there’s being and entitled brat who is using you as an ATM to avoid being responsible for her own life, especially when its at the expense of you and your child.
$5,000 for rent and she works part time? What is it really for? Absolutely not. You’re right in saying no. I’d personally go back through how much you’ve loaned her and add it all up. I’d be curious to see how much it was.
????? 5K for rent?…. where the F does she live? ………
Tell your husband that she’s struggling more than you are because of her poor choices. She’s clearly been spending money on non-essentials instead of prioritising rent. And if she needs money, a full-time job would be a start. What an entitled brat. Why on earth she thinks she should get to work part-time yet just spend what she likes while other people subsidise her, I have no idea.
Your husband is doing her no favours by making excuses for her, and he needs to tell her to get her act together instead of enabling her. She’s an adult, she needs to behave like one.
NTA. She and your enabling husband are though.
Your husband needs to find his spine to be honest here.
If you can, go back over the past 3 months and tot up how much you’ve ‘loaned’ her. Anyone gives you any grief over saying no to her, produce this figure and say “We’ve ‘loaned’ her this amount over the past 3 months, how much have you given her?”
Also say to your husband that every penny, cent and dollar that you give her, is money that could be going either into your pension fund or your child’s education fund or a trust fund for later life, but she is spending it on shoes and weekend’s away. That is what her earnings are for!
Time to stop being her personal ATM. The Bank of OP and OP’s husband is offically CLOSED!!!!
YNTA
NTA
However, if you want to help, here is the only way:
“SIL, if you want our help, there will be conditions. You will show us your paystub every payday. You will have your pay direct deposited into a new account that only WE, not you, have access to. WE will then pay your bills from this account. We will transfer funds to a debit card you Do have access to for small personal expenses.
If you don’t like this arrangement, fine, but you’ll get no money from us.”
To need $5k for rent means imo she hasn’t paid for awhile and the landlord threatened to kick her out? I would ask your husband where is that amount of money coming from as you are already stretched thin.
Tell her to get a full time job. She can work full time while she is trying to figure out her life. Many people do. It’s not your job to make sure her finances are covered. If you can’t afford it, you don’t get it. She is entitled and thinks what she wants is above anything else. Do not give her any more money. She is going to have to be a grown up and learn how to take care of herself! You can offer to show her how to budget her money. She will say no but let that be har only option. No more free rides.
5K!? She wastes her $$ so you have to fund her!!!? NO NO NO NTA
Sounds like she might have more than a spending issue. Is it drugs? Or gambling? Who runs out of this much money and doesn’t budget for rent. Sounds like she needs help but not financial and you are enabling whatever isn’t right in her life. She needs to hit rock bottom
Husband is the biggest asshole. Split money, get equal extras for him and you, then let him drain himself for his sister and sulk while you save and have stuff.
No. NTA. End of response.
If you can’t afford groceries you can’t afford “nights out.”
Your husband is spineless, and for that I’m sorry.
Here’s the thing, it will never end. And she will never learn to stand on her own 2 feet. I know somebody in their 60s who’s living with their parents in the basement and their parents support them.
One of the parents told me the biggest mistake they ever made in their life was not learning to say “no”. They said that they had always bailed her out time and again, and all that totter was that she didn’t have to manage money.
Collect up your kids’ stuff. Clothes, toys, furniture, you name it. Put it all in bin bags.
Leave it by the front door.
Tell your husband to sell it all so that he can give the money to his sister.
She needs to live within her budget, simple as that. She needs to get a full time job, live somewhere she can afford and get a damn grip.
I’d understand asking if something has unexpectedly gone tits up and drained the savings, but she just can’t afford to live the life she wants. So she either needs a better job or a cheaper life.
I had this with a friend. Constant sob stories, about to get evicted, the cat needs emergency surgery, the kids need school clothes. I was 4k down the hole before I finally said ‘no’ and to find another mug. I’m not financing your poor life decisions any more.
Keep paying for her and everyone will be struggling very quickly.
NTA for having a sister who can’t handle her own finances, it’s not your problem and you can’t fix it
She is single and working part time…. there is the issue. Tell your husband if she has no one else she does have herself and he needs to quit enabling her to be a lazy financially dependent person. Tell him this is his own fault and he needs to be a better man. Then ask him if he is capable of that or if you should keep lessening his kids lives so his sister can just quit working all together?
Start calling her and texting asking for. oney all the time. What’s the difference between you and her? You’ve had a sense of pride. Swallow that pride and see how hard she works to come up with money for you.
BTA but you need to have it out with your husband and start texting her to return all the money she stole form her neice/nephew
At the beginning you mention that SIL is young with a part-time job and figuring things out. So let her figure them out. Giving her money prevents her from doing that.
And where does she live that her rent is 5k? How does one get approved for a luxury penthouse at the beach with only a part-time job?
Have it out with your husband . No more money for her. she has become a parasite.
Time for her to pay for her own lifestyle. Enough is enough.
How is her rent $5k? NTA.
UpdateMe
Her bad financial decisions aren’t your problem.
SIL needs to get a full time job, perhaps rent a room instead of living on her own. Make a list of every instance where you had lent her money and show it to your spouse.
$5k for rent? This is either a BS thread or your SIL had no concept of managing her expenses.
UpdateMe!
“If you can afford hair, makeup, nights out, new shoes, vacations, maybe you can afford your rent. Your problem isn’t (just) how much you make, it’s how you spend. Not my business? It is when you expect me to support a grown adult that I didn’t give birth to. You need to figure your own shit out, because I have an actual kid to take care of, and every time you take money from me, it takes away from him. You’ve had x time to get your finances in order, and get a new job if need be. Now it’s time you sink or swim.”
NTA. Tell your husband she is fully capable of taking care of herself, unlike your child, and she needs to figure it out. Vacations are not emergencies, and rent is not an emergency when she spends her rent money on vacations.
>“I need 5k by tonight …
JFC, is this for real? The absolute cajones on this one…
My response would be something like my manager used to say – “People in hell want ice water, but that’s never gonna happen either…”
My best friend lives in a luxury apartment in Houston and pays $4,000 a month in rent. Where the heck do you guys live?
Additionally, what kind of work does she do that got her qualified for a $5,000 rent?? There are a lot of things here that don’t make sense.
The simple answer is “no”. Eventually, she will stop asking.
NTA – and here’s a suggestion. If your budget allows, you and your husband can get “fun money” each week. And he can give his to his sister!
NTA – but sounds like you have a husband problem. He also wants to cater to the golden child. So much so, he is willing to allow his own family, his wife and child to hurt financially to help his poor old sister. He would give his last dime to her instead of making sure his wife and son has a roof over their head.
NTA
Remind your husband that you’re all your son has too and he cannot fend for himself. Your husband needs to pick his priorities.
$5k in rent? Either she’s living way above her means or she’s in arrears several months. She needs a roommate to share expenses. And by roommate I mean someone who is not you or your husband.
NTA, but your brother needs to deal with this, not you.
NTA
But your husband is. Nice to know you and your kid come second to his selfish bitch if a sister.
Tell your husband to get a second job just to support his sister financially if he really thinks she needs the help
Your husband needs a serious talking to aswell
NTA Keep telling her no. No to everything she asks or demands.
She doesn’t need it for rent and if she does why is her rent 5K? Does she have a job? Because she really needs to learn how to budget and not count on you guys so much
NTA but hubby needs to support you and stop enabling her. Why can’t she get a full time job? How old is she? It’s not your responsibility to fund her lifestyle. Updateme
NTA
But this isn’t yours to deal with. If you and hubby agree on this, he needs to be the one to talk to her. He needs to be the one she calls.
If he doesn’t, you don’t have an SIL problem but a hubby problem. Both, actually. Focus on the hubby one next.
NTA and your husband needs to grow a spine. She needs to start figuring her own shit out. She knows she has rent and bills – they have to come first before “fun” always. Its called being an adult.
Hair, nails, makeup, night out, groceries, rent.
She needs a full job. Tell your husband the one day loan and check cashing business is over for your one customer.
NTA. You and hubby need a serious sit down. He needs to decide who his priority is. His wife and kid, or his irresponsible sister.
NTA and never give her another cent. If husband doesn’t agree he can go live with her.
NTA
You have a SIL problem.
And a Husband problem.
You’ll never have anything while she bleeds you dry and he enables her.
Tell your hubby- get a 2nd job if you want to support your adult sister. Our money is for our nuclear family- not your sister’s back up bank account. No more giving her money until we start seeing serious plans to pay back” NTA
Tell her to find another job that pays better. Her finances are not your responsibility.
5k? For crying out loud that’s not just a little help to get over a bump. That’s quite a bit of money! And it’s not like rent is a surprise every month. Absolutely not. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your husband is letting her manipulate him. You do have your own family to take care of and you don’t have extra. Especially not when it’s $5000. That’s a lot of money.
Leave for a weekend and tell hubby your going away for now as him giving your the silent treatment yet he says he agrees with you is making you rethink yoir entire realtionship.
Btw everyone was young at one point. Vast majority of us wasnt getting handouts. Its called being an adult. She needs to find a full time job or another part time.
Nta but your hubby is.
You’re AI is what you are.
5000 because she is SHORT on rent?!??! What are we talking? 2009 Zimbabwean dollars? If you mean USD…where is she living as a single broke person that she is coming up $5000 short on rent?
Maybe you should work out on paper for the two of them how many hours of work it takes for you to produce $5k, and how many hours of work it takes for your husband to produce $5k, and ask them why it should be on either one of you to perform X hours of labor to produce $5k for her? Ask her why she’s okay taking money away from her nephew. Ask your husband why he’s okay taking $5k away from his own child? How is this sister ever going to learn to live within her means if you’re forever rescuing her? Your husband isn’t doing her any favors. She needs to find a living situation she can afford to pay for, and stop treating you two like her personal ATM.