I(34f) and my ex husband (36m) met in at the coffee shop where I worked, I was (21) and he(23) back then.He told me how beautiful I was and asked for my number and gave it to him and we started. Then it was time for me to meet his family, the first time I met his family were not pleased with me because I came from a middle class family, his family are rich. He would always defend me against them. His siblings and his other relatives would make my life a living hell but my ex was there for me always. When we got married his parents did not attend to the wedding nor his siblings, they all made an excuses for not attending no matter how much he tried to convince them and give us their blessings.
Two years later we were accepting a baby but we suffered a miscarriage and it was devastating, I was so depressed, but my ex would comfort me thourgh the most difficult time. When my ex told his parents about the miscarriage, they invited us to their house to spend time together, I thought we were going to mend our relationship but I was wrong, when we went to their house for family gathering, everyone ignored me especially their friends, no one wanted to talk to me but I stayed quiet but his mom introduced me to my ex husband’s ex girlfriend (now current wife). She was actually nice to me. She told me I was lucky to marry my ex even though they had dreams to get married and have kids together and I kinda felt offended by that but I let it go. Then everything changed, my ex became cold distance from me, everytime I wanted to have intimacy, he would shut me down or when he gets home from work and I would try to kiss him, he pushes me away(Mind you I was a housewife at that) He would complain about the being dirty and stuff like that. When I got home from the grocery store, I heard moaning sounds in our bedroom, when I got there, I saw my ex and his current wife in our bed . When I asked him what the hell was going on, He told me that he was in love with her,wants to start his life with her, she was his soulmate and they were meant to be together.He said that I was the biggest mistake of his life and can’t give him any children while he was getting out of the bed to put his underwear on, I asked him how long have they been having an affair, then his wife told it’s none of my business and that I should know he chose her and they are planning to get married (he proposed her in two weeks). He said he prepared the divorce paper and I should sign them in court in three days and then he walked out of the room with his wife holding hands. I was so devastated and heartbroken that the man I loved would actually do this to me. Three days has past and it was time to end our marriage. His wife, parents and his sister were there at court and I was pretty sure they were excited and waited for this day to come. He told his lawyer I can keep the house but not his money, he didn’t leave me a dime. Once we finished filing a divorce, I heard his mom say they go and celebrate his divorce and his upcoming wedding. I’m not gonna lie it really hurts me a lot to the I started eating and drinking a lot, I was depressed and lonely. But on the my friend who is loving and caring scolded me for wasting my time about a man who broke my heart in worst cruel way and I should move on and get help. I was so blessed to have such a friend like her.
I went to school, got my Masters Degree, a career, a beautiful house, I remarried to my wonderful husband and two amazing children. So five weeks ago I received a call from an unknown number but I got curious and answered, when I answered the call, I heard my ex’s voice. I couldn’t understand how he got my number. On the phone he said he’s sorry for everything and things he said in the past, he would like to see me for last time because he had cancer and doesn’t have much time, he would if I came to see him. I said to him that I was sorry what he’s thourgh and I don’t see him nor have anything to do with him then I hung up blocked him. Then I get another call from his sister that my ex has passed away and I should come, I asked about his wife, she said my ex wanted to be surrounded with the he was close to and part of his life, I thanked her but declined the invitation and told her never to call me again. So two days ago I received a text messages from his mum saying I’m bitter, selfish b*tch and all my ex wanted was to be close with his loved and I’m AH. I have been getting calls and messages as well as threats. I showed
my husband text messages and decided to switch phones just in case so that we can report them. But sometimes I feel little guilty for not seeing him? So am I the asshole?
EDIT: I forgot to mention he has three kids if y’all wanted know.
Comments
AI BS
NTAH. Funerals are for the living to come together and celebrate their loved one. They only reason you should have attended the funeral was 1) you are close with his family and/or 2) you had children with your ex.
I’m sorry for this happening to you, and relationships are very messy. Not excusing his behavior one bit, but you cannot control how someone feels in the end. After all marriage cannot keep a person bound to you. However, sleeping with his now wife in your bed is highly disrespectful. He probably also lied about it.
Now, fast forward, no you are not the AH if you don’t want to attend the funeral. You now have a different life with a different person and moved on. In particular how you parted with your ex, I would even question your decision to show up (but then again it is your decision). Can you imagine standing amongst your old in-laws? Why put yourself through that? That would be sick?
No, again, absolutely not the AH. Don’t go. His family btw really sucks 😛
NTA, your ex and his family made their beds and they have to lie in them your ex permanently. Document all the harassment his family hasn’t changed and I imagine the ex knew he F’d up because I imagine being back in the fold of his family took a toll on him. You could contact a lawyer to send a cease and desist letter to them and get advice if going to the police would be beneficial. If it’s just phone calls and nothing in person you can change your number and notify your work these people are calling and also tell your kids school of these issues.
Nta , take all the screenshot of the message & record the call & tell them you will report them to.police for harassing. If any of them ever contact you again
NTA. If any of them find a way to get in touch with you tell them straight up “it’s true I loved him with my whole heart, but HE was the one who cheated and walked away. Just because he had a guilty conscience at the end of his life doesn’t excuse what he did and all of you treated me as worthless so you all can go to hell with (ex’s name).”
Nope. NTA at all. You owed him nothing. He made it clear who he valued, and it wasn’t you. His family treated you like dirt for years. Don’t let them rewrite history now that he’s gone. You did the right thing.
>He said that I was the biggest mistake of his life and can’t give him any children while he was getting out of the bed to put his underwear on, I asked him how long have they been having an affair, then his wife told it’s none of my business and that I should know he chose her and they are planning to get married (he proposed her in two weeks). He said he prepared the divorce paper and I should sign them in court in three days and then he walked out of the room with his wife holding hands.
Be for real.
3/10 creative writing. At least you seem to have written this yourself.
I would never attend my ex-husband’s funeral. I don’t even care to know about it.
He was obviously trying to make amends and his way of getting forgiveness for all his sins before he died. Frankly, you didn’t owe him or his family anything.
Of course not. You have no obligation to your ex husband.
His family is in pain and have focused their pain on you. They are being unreasonable.
That story sounds fake af
lol 😂 I’m a really bad person I guess…I’d have given him an earful on that call & the funeral? I’d have gone, and worn a fabulous red dress! I’d have laughed in his family’s face ‘ said… karma’s a bit€h huh? Then walked out. You owe them (his family) or him nothing. You were treated horrendously & they got the universes answer.
Yeah, I’m horrible. 🤷🏼♀️
Why would they think you still cared enough about him to mourn him? You mourned him after the divorce. Why would you put yourself through all that. You might think about suing them for harassment. You have 0 connection to any of them. Shalom you’re loved 💔
NTA. There was no one there you needed to comfort. You did not need comforting. IMO, those are the main reasons for going to someone’s funeral. You said your goodbyes years ago. Try to let all of that go and don’t give it another thought. I am so happy for the life you have. Blessings for your future.
He likely only wanted you there so he could apologize and free himself of any guilt he had. You weren’t a loved one. You were someone he wronged.
nah girl you’re not the asshole. man cheated on you, humiliated you, left you with nothing, and now his family wants you to play “grieving ex” for vibes? absolutely not. he made his bed (with her in it), let him rest in it. block ’em all and enjoy the peaceful life you built.
NTA. Get a lawyer for the harassment texts and get the lawyer to send a cease and desist.
NTA. Block them all.
You got lucky. These people are psychopaths.
‘He’s not a loved one. I hated him and you for his and your behavior. I’m glad he was out of my life and the only thing I can say about his death is that I’m glad I never have to worry about hearing from him again, which is how I’ll feel about you when you die. You were all the worst things to ever happen to me, I regret ever knowing any of you, now fuck off and live your lives without ever speaking to me again.’
Too many details about when you caught him cheating. Makes it sound fake af.
And a divorce at court in 3 days? With the whole family there? No government works that fast.
Yta for this bad story.
Updateme
Can you get divorced in three days? That’s quick.
Tl;dr please. Oof
This is not even a good creative writing exercise.
I’m glad your karma farming attempt is failing, as I see on the comments.
NTA What connection do you have to them now? Send a condolence card and wash your hands of it.
My creepy ex doesn’t even have my phone number now that the kids are grown. Neither does his family. They no longer exist to me.
NTA it’s harsh that he died with regrets regarding you but he had a long time to fix them before he was dying…
My grandad died last year, and before he did I got a call from an aunt I haven’t seen in more than half my life, who am not sure ever visited me to say he was dying and has regrets with the bio grandchildren he has never really bothered about and would I get in touch with him, I said no but he can contact me anytime, I have never stopped him doing so, she called me petty and I ended the call… He never contacted me and no one told me he passed but I saw it on Facebook.
I barely knew him, I have memories of him favouring my cousins (his step kids children, they got visits and presents and pocket money) I remember knowing he liked that part of the family more than me, his wife was pretty hostile and blamed me for things when we visited and I was little, my step aunty who called was never nice to me but I knew her, my step uncles and other aunt were nice but we weren’t particularly close, they excluded me from family functions and funerals growing up, stating my age but my step cousins were younger and attended, it’s sad my grandad lived to have regrets about me, and died with them. But I don’t feel bad.
NTA – you owe him and them absolutely NOTHING- while I’m sure he gave into pressure from his family to be with his current wife, and he may love her who knows, you’ll never know, but you don’t owe them anything. Put that guilt aside you don’t owe him anything. his actions and his family is his burden to bear. It sounds like he carried that burden to his grave. Hence he wanted to make amends with you. He knew he was wrong for how he treated you. He did it because he was a mamas boy and wanted to satisfy his family. You owe them nothing.Rest in your sweet family enjoy them all the days of your life and just screw the other family. You owe them nothing.
If you’re receiving threats it’s already time to report them
NAH. You clearly did not stay friends after your divorce so that chapter in your life ended and was done. You had zero obligation to help alleviate his guilt over how things ended just so he could feel better about dying. The family members of him are angry and just lashing out. Soon they will move on to bully someone else.
NTA. But I would consider filing a police report because of these text messages, etc. The relatives are harassing you. It was bad enough when they were silent. Even hardened criminals and killers often express remorse on their deathbed. It doesn’t mean that they were remorseful during their lives.
NTA
You were not his loved one. He felt guilty and wanted forgiveness he didn’t deserve.
The simple fact is that you don’t treat someone you love the way he treated you. His family is blaming you because they did this to him and now have to live with the guilt of watching him die in misery, hated by the woman he threw to the side and realized too late that he actually still loved.
That is entirely their own fault and now they all have to live, and die, knowing they were horrible people for no justifiable reason and it ended in his miserable death.
If true these people are horrible pieces of shit and they can get fucked. You owe them nothing as they gave you nothing but hate.
NTA. I think he just wanted to clear his conscience before dying. Maybe he was even afraid about how this would affect things for him in the afterlife and it was all about making things good for himself, not actually seeking out forgiveness or trying to make it right on limited time. You never actually clarified if his last wife was still with him or not, and there’s a chance him and his family ran her off a long time ago if she didn’t hit the road at the first signs of his terminal condition. It sounds like they’re used to getting or doing whatever they want and that includes the way they interact with people, so I fully believe that this is the mentality driving their current behavior. In this particular situation they didn’t get what they wanted bc they can’t control you, can’t buy you, and had nothing to hang over your head to make you cooperate, and I’m sure it’s digging into his mother’s heart hard bc her child was expiring, probably miserable, and she was completely unable to get him what he wanted – which was you, probably with the expectation that you would absolve him of his sins and act as his comfort-creature. I’m willing to bet that this may have been the first time her son was denied something he really wanted and maybe even one of the few if not first times your ex mil realized she does not have the power to move the Universe.
How you want to handle this is up to you, but you are not at all in the wrong. I think turning to your husband for aid was good, but now, it’s up to you if you want to involve a legal agency to make them stop, engage with them, or completely stonewall them on every communication avenue they try. His mom IS going to take it out on you. She appears to have set her sights on you and is going to take her grief and hatefulness out on you bc this is not about you doing wrong, but about her trying to find a punching bag she feels secure in tearing apart. Again, she may be doing (or trying to do) the same thing to her son’s last wife, or she may not because the other DIL has familia or networking connections that ex-mil fears losing, so she’s coming at you bc in her mind, she’s not endangering herself. So, feel no guilt over staying away because what you’re really avoiding is whatever nasty shit she has planned once she gets you in close physical proximity.
If you’re gonna try to get sympathy for some fake cheating story, making the timeliness this ludicrous isn’t the way.
NTA but if OP really wanted to she could contact the funeral home and set up a private session when the family isn’t there. She can finally put the feelings aside. OP can also tell the family that they had already gotten closure, and there’s no reason for her to intrude on their families grief. Give your sympathy and block them all. There’s no need for OP to be in contact with any of them. The one person that kept that connection alive is now gone so any interaction now would be harassment.
NTA.
Don’t be entangled with his loved ones again.