When I (24F) was 18, my dad (50sM) told me I was on my own financially because he didn’t believe in “coddling adults.” So I moved out, worked two jobs, and managed. We’ve stayed in touch, but he’s never helped with anything.
Well, now he’s been laid off and is having trouble paying his rent. He called and asked if he could crash with me “just for a couple months” while he gets back on his feet.
I said no. My apartment is tiny, I’m finally in a stable place, and honestly… I still have a lot of resentment about how he threw me out with nothing. He got really quiet and said he “didn’t raise me to be so cold.”
Now even my brother is saying I should “help family when it matters.” But where was that attitude when I needed help?
AITAH for saying no?
Comments
This was an easy opportunity to tell him you “don’t coddle adults”
Your brother can house him, considering his vocalized support of helping family when it matters.
NTA
NTA. You worked hard to build your own life after he cut you off. It’s okay to protect your space and set boundaries help should be mutual, not one-sided.
NTA. He sat and watched you struggle for six years. Feel free to tell him you don’t believe in “coddling adults”. He’ll be fine, besides, why can’t your brother help him instead if he’s so concerned.
What do you mean he didn’t raise you to be cold. That’s exactly what he did.
Just tell him that you’ve been raised to believe that coddling adults is not a good thing. Lol.
NTA
Some people just have no sense of irony.
NTA I agree with others here, remind him that HE raised you to believe that coddling adults is bad.
nta fuck that, karma is sweet. there’s plenty of space between coddling your adult kids and kicking them out as soon as your legal responsibility is up.
NTA. Why should he get help when he failed you so badly?
Well, he did in fact raise you to be like that
NTA – And your brother just volunteered to help. A few month might be very long and with no space? No, just no.
I would tell him „Yes, you raised me exactly that way, not to coddle adults“.
I hate parents, that kick their kids out at 18. They don’t deserve that their kid put themself on fire to keep the parents warm.
Stay firm!
“Yes sir, you did raised me to be this cold. It’s why I’m saying no.”
Have you told your brother to be the one helping out?
NTA
NTA. He literally did raise you to be that cold. Please point that out to him. This is 100% the lesson he taught you and you have followed through exactly as he would have wanted. Remind him of that and then wish him luck.
NTA Tell him what he told you, that you “don’t believe in coddling adults. He met karma, and karma is a real B*tch
INFO:
•Why isn’t your brother helping him?
•Did he also kick your brother out at 18?
•Who told your brother that you werent helping?
NTA
“Now even my brother is saying I should “help family when it matters.””
And that’s how your brother volunteered to house your father.
NTA. I would tell him that he did, in fact, raise you to be “cold” and not give financial help to other adults. Tell him that you will not coddle him, as he’s a grown adult and should be fully capable of caring for himself. And thank your brother for opening his home to your dad.
NTA! Good on you for setting and holding your boundaries!
Is this a younger or older brother? You know whut, it don’t even matter. Tell THEM to coddle ya’ll’s adult parental unit since helping family when it matters is bro’s talking point. Folks got all the nerve!
I get that’s your dad, and he might not be all bad, but take him out to dinner or something. Buy him a bag of groceries. You don’t have to let him live with you if you don’t want.
I cant stand when family is like ‘you should help’ ok then YOU help them
NTA
I’d text him and brother: “remember how you said we don’t coddle adults, well… we don’t coddle adults. BUT brother says family should help each other out. So lucky for you, he will be helping you out”
>didn’t raise me to be so cold.”
I think you’ll find he did.
NTA. We don’t coddle adults.
Oh man that’s fucking juicy, he knows exactly why you won’t help him and is just playing dumb because he can’t take accountability for being an asshole of a father. NTA
Tell him you don’t believe in coddling adults
Such an obviously fake post.
YTA
that’s exactly how he raised you. in fact, he should be proud of you for telling him to go handle his own business sans assistance.
Tell him you were raised to not believe in “coddling adults”. NTA
“I dont believe in coddling adults, sorry dad” NTA
u/bot-sleuth-bot
NTA. He failed you as a parent. You don’t owe him anything. He can struggle like you had to. And your brother can take him in!
NTA….your Dad showed zero compassion, you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.
What you can do is choose to be around people that respect you, care for you and love you. If it’s not your family, then someone/others, you owe your father, and your brother very little it seems. There seems little reason to stay in contact if they are going to hold this over your head every time there’s a “family” get together
It’s sad, but some families can be so dysfunctional they can be hard on your own mental health, have you ever thought of some professional help to divide things off to take away any guilt?
NTA. Tell your brother he can help his dad, but you won’t be lifting a finger. You don’t want to coddle an adult.
Tell him you don’t belive coodling adults
NTA. Dad can go live with brother
NAH…
He can manage on his own, he’s an adult. Make sure to tell him that that’s what he told you when he threw you out. Tell him to live by his words.
He raised you to be cold? That’s what he wanted you need to point out that in your family you dont coddle adults
NTA
NTA I would do the same thing. Let this be a lesson for him to learn. He seems like an asshole and getting a taste of his own medicine.
If your brother is saying you should help family when it matters just tell him it’s so lovely of him to volunteer to help your dad. NTA
NTA. A wise man once taught me not to coddle adults.
But he did raise you to be cold. He totally did
“Cold? No dad, you raised me to know that you don’t coddle adults. But hey, my brother is all about helping family when it matters, go crash with him. Or, you know, bend over that gut of yours and find those ol’ bootstraps.”
He actually did. He needs to get up and figure it out on his own like he told you. NTA
Your brother should take him in. Case closed.
Why didn’t he go to your brother, since family helps family.
Use his own language
how nice of your brother to volunteer to house dear old daddy. nta
NTA. Stand firm.
Tell your dad, “You raise me not to coddle adults and that’s what I’m doing.” He threw you out and offered no help after you were 18, and now he has to live and die by his own principles.
NTA. You don’t coddle adults
Sorry Dad, no coddling. Family policy….