So I (29F) am getting married in about two months, and we’re in the final stages of planning. My parents divorced when I was 19, and it was rough. My dad was devastated, mostly because my mom cheated and left the marriage pretty abruptly.
They’ve both moved on, and I’ve tried to stay neutral as much as possible. That said, I’m a lot closer with my dad now. He was there for me through college, helped with the down payment on my first apartment, and has been super involved in planning the wedding. My mom and I are fine. But there’s still tension, especially when it comes to her boyfriend of 6 years, who, yes, is the guy she cheated with.
Here’s the issue: I told my mom he wasn’t invited to the wedding.
I didn’t say it to be cruel. I just know my dad would be uncomfortable, and this day is supposed to be joyful for everyone. I also didn’t want drama or awkward energy, especially since it’s a small-ish wedding with less than 70 people.
My mom flipped.
She said I’m being disrespectful to her relationship, that “it’s been six years, get over it,” and that if he’s not welcome, maybe she shouldn’t come either. I told her she was being unfair and that this wasn’t about punishing her, it was about not forcing a reunion that could overshadow the entire day.
Now I’m getting texts from my aunt (her sister) saying I’m being petty and “taking sides,” and that I need to “grow up and stop coddling my dad.”
My fiancé is backing me up 100%. So is my brother. But I can’t help but feel like I might be creating more conflict than necessary by drawing this line.
So, AITAH for not inviting my mom’s boyfriend to my wedding to avoid making my dad uncomfortable?
Comments
Cheater: you’re being disrespectful to my relationship.
LMAO. NTA.
Why are you punishing your mom because your dad is uncomfortable.
Your dad needs to grow up.
Its your wedding, he should be decent enough to behave on YOUR BIG DAY.
Your dad reminds me of my grandmother. My grandfather cheated and married his mistress. 40+ years later she hasn’t made peace with it and is a drama llama about having to be around him. It’s not okay what happened but if your dad hasn’t moved past the cheating in this time, he should be getting therapy. It’s not healthy for anyone and you’re just creating more drama.
Your wedding, your decision. She needs to realize she is your mother before anyone’s girlfriend & that should be her priority. It’s a few hours on one day. Can’t she be without him for a few hours on one day to support her daughter getting married?
INFO. Is your dad bringing someone? You’ve said both of your parents have moved on and that you took the initiative to remove your mom’s BF, meaning your dad didn’t ask you to.
Imo, if dad is bringing someone then it only seems fair that your mom does too.
If you’re banning mom’s BF because YOU don’t want him there then NTA, but you need to own it and explicitly tell your mom that. If you’re doing it because you think your dad won’t want him there without him saying so, then YTA.
Either way, your mom and her sister are AHs.
The math isn’t mathing. They divorced 10 years ago but somehow her boyfriend of 6 years is who she cheated on your dad with 10 years ago.
NTA. Your wedding and you have the right to invite who you want. I get that mom is upset, but there’s always consequences to actions and this is one of them.
NTA your mum can get over it. First she chose him over your dad now she’s choosing that thing over you! NTA this is a hill id die on. Stick to your decision!
Updateme
NTA
Yes Mom, it is such a great look having your affair partner at your daughter’s wedding!
Tell dear Mom and Aunt, this has nothing to do with your father, but YOUR day, YOUR comfort, YOUR guests.
Ask Mom if she is really willing to miss her daughter’s wedding because she is so insecure she can’t attend your milestone event without a man on her arm?
If after all these years he is still boyfriend status, I think that makes sense. But I think you have to own it. You don’t want him there because it would put tension on your wedding. You may be projecting on your dad.
Nta, mom needs to check her priorities on this.
“it’s been six years, get over it,”
NTAH, is she just trying to be a cartoon villain?
Your mom is super childish. Hello news flash your not the main character in your daughters wedding!
NTA, your mum needs to understand you don’t need to “get over it.” She made a terrible decision that hurt your father and her children, and she chose to stand by it. Now she’s unhappy with the consequences? That’s her problem, not yours. You are a good person for prioritizing your father over a home wrecker, your mother is a bad person for expecting otherwise.
Its your choice she has to respect
Who wants a cheater at their wedding? NTA.
Your wedding invite who you want, keep in mind your mom may not come. I understand it’s the guy your mom cheated with but your dad should be able to handle being around him for one day it has been 6 years, if he can’t then he’s truly not over it.
Why not invite him but not have him at the top table? Top table can be just parents and bridal party.
It would be a clear signal that the boyfriend isn’t part of your family like your father is.
Your wedding your decision but your mom may not go at all and I can kind of understand that since her boyfriend is now her family to her.
Look at it this way.
True story I’ve been telling here for years. When a was very young my Mum ran off with my Dad’s best friend.
Forty or so years later I asked my Dad “How long had he been your best friend” and got back from him “Ever since he ran off with your Mum” It was the best thing anyone had ever done to him, if they had not run off odds are she’d have gone on cheating for years. Now its the best friend who has to think “What’s she doing when I’m not there?”.
To aunt: “Taking sides? I suppose I am. The side of the cheatee, not the cheater.
If mom wants to miss my wedding, that’s Her choice. I’ve made mine. I’m sticking by my father. Something my mom didn’t do.”
NTA
Basic wedding rules: The bride and groom can make whatever rules, invites, and restrictions they want. Invited guests are free to decline attendance if they don’t like the decisions.
You are free to tell your mother she is not allowed to bring the guy, and she is free to decline coming if she is unhappy.
You basically need to ask yourself who matters more to you. Your mother presumably loves this guy and will be hurt if he can not attend. The past won’t matter to her; this relationship is real to her. On the other hand, you and your father have good reasons for not liking the guy. So talk to both mom and dad and then make the decision YOU can live with
Question: If you are 29 and this all happened when you were 19, why is it a 6-year relationship?
Your concerns are valid. In my in-laws’ family many remained uncomfortable with Grandpa’s girlfriend/later wife for the same reason…DECADES later. After his death that sweet woman continues to show up for this grown-ass kids who judged her so harshly for years and years. My own husband, who is 45 FFS, still won’t visit her with her step-grandkids because he was raised to despise her.
Recently $25,000 fell from the sky into my lap (before taxes). If you asked me the day before it happened if I was hurting for money I would have said no, I’m fine. But when it happened I cried tears I was so overwhelmed and excited about everything I would solve with $25,000. If your mom has been with this guy for 6 long years, she wasn’t just ‘getting some on the side’ —someone she didn’t know she needed popped into her life and she did only thing any reasonable person could do. She didn’t live a lie, she didn’t resent your dad for decades to come: she left.
I don’t know your parent’s marriage but I know a lot about Grandpa’s marriage from the one child who was always on his stepmom’s side, my husband’s gay uncle (who was accepted more openly by the new younger wife than his parents). He saw a version of his dad that was stifled and oppressed for years. He saw how much his father gave up until they were all adults—he was 19 when his parents’ marriage ended—and he respected that his dad stuck it out ‘for the kids.’ His siblings saw his mom as a saint of a woman, he saw his mom as timid and introverted and too anxious to enjoy the adventurous life his dad forced her into (his work required international travel and even international relocation). When he remarried Grandpa was truly happy, and this uncle felt like everyone else a weird misery fetish: for the same reason they felt he just suffer and not be gay, they pointed to the mom’s years of suffering living in far flung places and felt Grandpa owed it to her to suffer forever in holy, miserable matrimony.
Your mom is happy, you should not insert yourself in the divorce drama and you may come to regret the bitterness you’ve taken on over the end of your parent’s marriage.
NTA. But still.
NTA at all. But need a better explanation of the time line.
Nta. You should say something of the kind.
” I am sorry that you feel hurt, but this is my decision. If this makes you not want to attend now, that is fine. Just know that it would hurt me deeply.”
Updateme
I am of opinion that unless one guest or parent was abuser to mum or dad its job of parent to survive kids wedding even if they are people they dont really enjoy, decorations they hate country they despise and spouse they dont like. Its your kid so sit there and smile.
So yea your dad needs to et some chocolate and survive one evening.
Same if it was mum squeeling there about other parent and their affair partner.
Second everyone should have friend there so yeah affair partner should be able to come if they have guts lol. Just like dad can bring who he wants.
NTA. You’re a bigger person than I am because I don’t think I could have been fair with my mom for what she did. And you’re 100% right in that you would want that hanging over the day you get married.
Sadly, the mom is prioritizing what she wants once again over her kid. She sounds like an extremely selfish person, and if it were me, I’d call her bluff: Mom, I’m sorry you feel that your affair partner’s feelings are more important than being there for me on one of the most important days of my life. I stand by my decision that your affair partner is not invited. You do what you feel you need to do, but know that if you choose to not come, that will affect the future of our relationship, including whether or not I feel comfortable with you being a part of my future children’s lives.
And as for the nosy aunt: “Sorry, but you have it backwards. My mom is the one who needs to grow up and stop coddling her affair partner and stop prioritizing herself over her kids.”
NTA. Her being a cheater is never going to go away. Her affair partner being a home wrecker is never going to go away. You don’t want him in photos you will be explaining to your grandchildren, so he’s not welcome to anything, and if the cheater has a problem with it, she doesn’t need to be in the photos either. Stay strong.
It’s your wedding, you invite who you’re comfortable with.
Tell your mom that her bf seems to like married women and you don’t want him going after any other married girl at the wedding.
All or you are TA in my opinion. is there a grownup in the room?
NTA at all. Your mother, on the other hand, is. Even if she doesn’t respect your father anymore (which is obvious given the circumstances of the divorce), she should respect you. The reasons you gave are perfectly valid, even if there is also underlying bitterness toward the boyfriend because of his role, which I wouldn’t blame you for at all. (Not that it matters to the AH determination, but did he know she was married? Why did it take them four years to get together after the cheating? I’m intrigued by the background here.)
Honestly, you’re behaving in a more mature manner to your mother than I could have given everything, and I’m 42. Your aunt thinks you’re being petty and taking sides? Hell, I wouldn’t even have contact with a parent who behaved the way your mother did, let alone invite them to my wedding. I would take every opportunity if someone brought her up to point out that she had her opportunity to make choices, and she chose her own libido and who knows what else over her husband and family. Her desires were the important thing to indulge in, whether that hurt anyone else or not.
Actions have consequences. Wanting to bring your AP to your daughter’s wedding is crazy. It just shows you how selfish your mother is and she doesn’t seem to realize that her actions not only affected your father but you as well.
Your Mom ITAH…The wedding ISNT about her.
“If he isnt invited, I may not come”
“OK Mom, just put on your RSVP that you wont be there”
Stand firm and do NOT let her guilt trip you into being forced to invite her AFFAIR Partner.
That man has caused enough emotional turmoil already.
NTA. If this wasn’t the affair partner, I’d say y…ta …but she cheated on your dad with this guy. Of course he shouldn’t be at the wedding.
Hire security to keep boyfriend and his supporters OUT of your wedding ceremony
Or
ELOPE followed by reception to which only those who love enjoy respect you and your new spouse are invited followed by long honeymoon and awesome respectful pragmatic compassionate fun life-LONG MARRIAGE
Your Dad and You are:
N
T
A
Please Update Me
Don’t let yourself get convinced that it’s unnecessary drama. The drama’s going to be there regardless, but you are stopping it from happening at your wedding.
NTA %100