Hey everyone,
I (28F) am getting married this fall, and my mom (55F) recently told me she bought a white, floor-length gown to wear to my wedding. When I gently reminded her that wearing white is usually reserved for the bride, she got extremely defensive and said white has always been her signature color, and that she wants to feel special, too.
She claims I’m being selfish for not letting her express herself on what she says is “a celebration of family, not just the couple.” I told her she can wear any other color, even light pastels, but she insists on pure white.
My fiancé and my friends think I should stand my ground, but some relatives are saying I should just let her have her moment to avoid family drama.
Now she’s threatening not to come if I control her outfit.
I feel like I’m respecting a pretty universal wedding etiquette, but now I am wondering, AITAH for putting my foot down about this?
Comments
People who should know better and actually need to have the DON’T WEAR WHITE TO A WEDDING thing be explained to them are a special kind of narcissist. Good luck!
Blatant Karma farming. You know there is no way you cound be an AH in this post.
Univite your mom and those relatives NTA
“My wedding day is not for you to feel special. It’s to celebrate the next step for me and fiancé. If you find that is too hard for you then you should stay home” NTA
If you’ve already sent out the invites, send everyone else a message to wear white too! Then your wedding dress can be a different color in a sea of white! I saw this idea before and even on Charlotte Donte’s channel. It was awesome!
On wedding like this there is likely at least one friend who offers to ruin her white dress by pouring red wine over it. Would that be a solution for you?
The relatives are the reason she is this way. Stand firm. If she doesn’t come, it’s her loss. She is disrespecting you and I wouldn’t want someone at my wedding who is disrespectful regardless of who they are.
NTA.
She’s threatening not to come to your wedding? Problem solved.
Uninvite her, and tell the rest of your family you want a toddler-free wedding, and since your mother wants to act like one, she’s not invited.
Get your dad involved asap if he is in the picture.
Your mom is a drama queen
Highly doubt this is TRUE?!?!
Only a MUG would back down AFTER making their feelings CRYSTAL CLEAR!
Has she wore white to every wedding she has gotten invited to? I’m guessing not. Stand your ground if she wants to be uninvited that’s on her.
Read this one a week ago.
NTA. A wedding is about the people getting married no matter what your mother says to justify her nonsense. Time to shrink the guest list by removing her and her enablers.
Tell her she can wear white if she pays for the whole day
NTA, obviously, although it does sound a bit like bait.
Someone who wants to wear white to a wedding is the kind of person who will show up wearing white even when you tell her not to, be ready for that.
“Sure mom, wear white. But I don’t want to hear a single complaint once you realise everyone is talking shit and making fun of you. You’ll deserve it”
Your mom should know that only the bride wears white.
Tell her you don’t want all the other guests to think badly of her and talk about her behind her back. Because everyone knows that it’s a massive pot to wear white to a wedding and she’ll just make an ass of herself.
Sometimes these people think they’re so smart that nobody will catch onto their manipulation. Ask her if that’s really the message she wants to put out there and that you’ve had a lot of support against her wearing white.
Question- has your mother ever worn white to another wedding?
Does anyone think it’s super weird that “other relatives” weigh in at all on something like this?
Your mom is threatening to not come to your WEDDING if she doesn’t get to wear a particular color. Tell her if wearing white is more important than coming to celebrate your wedding day, then she can wear white at home.
Then make sure you have security to keep her out.
Tell all the other guests that the dress code is white, everyone wear white. If the ladies still have their wedding dress, tell them.to wear it. Do not tell your mom. At the wedding just explain that it’s a celebration of everyone and everyone should feel special. Then you go get a wedding dress in your favorite color. That way you stand out, and everyone gets to feel special.
nta. it’s your day, and white is the bride’s color for a reason. your mom can rock any other color and still feel special without stealing your spotlight. boundaries aren’t being selfish, they’re necessary. if she can’t respect that, that’s on her.
Another new account posting an obvious answer post with an upset relative, keeping the peace, and divided family boxes checked. Just curious if op’s phone is blowing up too.
Nah, mate. NSH here. You ain’t being selfish, it’s YOUR day! White’s the bride’s game, always has been. Mum’s gotta tone it down, and show some respect to the bride. She had her day. Family drama or not, it’s ur day. Guilt-tripping you into letting her wear white is just wrong. Stand ur ground, OP! If she chooses an outfit over attending, then maybe she’s gotta rethink her priorities.
I never understood why anyone would WANT to wear white, because then guests will look at them and just know major faux pas that they are committing. Why want that negative attention and embarrassment? They’re not going to look at OP’s mom and be like, “OH WOW SHE LOOKS STUNNING IN THAT DRESS”. They’re literally going to be like “WTF, why is she wearing white to her own daughter’s wedding?” and just assume she is absolutely crazy and out of her mind.
I would be okay with a white dress that went just below the knee. Maybe she could have a white jacket or blazer as well. It would be more suitable to mother of the bride. A white floor length gown, however, absolutely not. It isn’t her day. She doesn’t need “her moment”.
Time to uninvite mom to the wedding. She wants to take center stage at your wedding. I cannot fathom any mom doing this unless they are a narcissist. But you know how she is. Sorry mom this day is not about you. You’re uninvited since you’re trying to overshadow me. Get security.
NTA. Sounds like some narcissistic bullshit. Do what I did. Have someone you trust designated as a “parent handler”. They have full permission to remove a problem parent from your wedding.
One less person to feed if she doesn’t show up
NTA
Her special colour doesn’t matter because it’s your special day. If it’s that important then she doesn’t need to attend.
NTA, but your mom is a massive one. She should know only the bride should wear white and that this is a celebration of the couple and nobody else. It’s insane the amount of people that make the wedding all about them, when I got married I had to remind people a few times the wedding was for me and my wife not them. My MIL tried pulling some weird stuff with our wedding, including using the wedding shower to hide her 60th birthday because she hates the idea of getting older. We showed her and made sure to stop and sing happy birthday briefly, which gave her exactly what she didn’t want 🙂
She is a narcissist, good luck.
NTA your mom is
!bot-sleuth-bot
You could always invite all of your guests to wear white and you can wear a different color. Then your mom can feel special in white and you can feel special in your chosen gown.
Your mom sounds like a narcissist, and I am so sorry because I am sure she put you through hell when you were growing up. As someone who also has to cautiously dance around her mother’s feelings, I urge you to stand your ground on this one, but know that it can be complicated. Maybe you have a trusted bestie who can “accidentally” bump into her and you have another dress waiting?
NTA.
I take it yout mom is an attentive seeking narc your whole life? Seems like she got the whole family trained to defend her.
The only person in White during a wedding is the bride. Period. She knows it, the other guests know it, literally everyone knows thos. NTA, make her change the dress color or uninvite her.
NTA
Special colour my ass
Your mother is wrong, a celebration of family is at a family reunion. A wedding is absolutely only a celebration of the couple. Your mother’s signature color is irrelevant. Choose a color that coordinates with the bridal party & tell her she needs to wear it. She will be special acting as the MOB. She is not allowed to wear white or you will book her an appointment with a therapist to work through why she feels the need to take away from you on your special day. Why does she want to be the center of attention at your wedding?
STAND YOUR GROUND
NTA. Do not let her wear white. If she insists, then you insist she cannot come. Simple as that. She is trying to make this wedding about her and that is the one thing it cannot be. Stand your ground on this one unless you want to hate her for the rest of her life. Worst case scenario is she doesn’t come and looks petty and weird. Oh well.
I’m older than your mother. She is well aware that only the bride wears white. It’s been that way for generations and generations. There’s more to her antics. Stand your ground. She can keep the dress and have it professionally dyed.
NTA
She shouldn’t need to “feel special” at YOUR wedding. It’s supposed to be about the bride and groom starting their life together and not a narcissist who wants to be the center of attention
Tell her if she wants to embarrass herself and have people talking about how insecure she is, then wear white, but you would greatly prefer she didn’t because while weddings are a family celebration, it really is only about the couple.
How is it that there are so many narcissist self-centered AH’s out there who insist on wearing white to someone else’s wedding, be it their daughter, their friend etc?
NTA
Be firm. This is you & your fiance’s wedding. Stand your ground. Don’t be afraid to appear rude. The real rude one is your mother not you. Remind her that this is your wedding not hers. And if she threatens you with not coming again look her straight in the eye and say that is up to you, that is YOUR CHOICE TO CHOOSE CLOTHING OVER YOUR DAUGHTER. And leave it at that.
I am so curious to find out which family members are on her side. Don’t be afraid to tell people to fuck off when it’s needed.
Feels like this should have been posted on “raisedbynarcissist
Why is that among SO many topics and issues by now, so many Rights are bestowed upon even the Most Radical people ? That so many are out of the Closet or outside the Box , while Bridezilla keeps Ruling OUT just fairly mild , average requests or expectations on parts of the Family or Guests? So-your MOM wears White -and Black is no longer Expected to be worn at Funerals, nor Certain Colors on Holidays . Why should YOU be So Special ??
Oh-and its’ ALL worth a fight now too !
You’re not controlling her outfit. No white.
Your mom is a narcissist.
Don’t wear white to a wedding.
Don’t wear super light pastel colors that could be perceived as white to a wedding.
Don’t wear clothing that is dominantly white to a wedding.
Don’t wear silver dresses to a wedding.
Ladies, it’s not that fucking hard lmao. There is a spectrum of infinite colors that do not involve predominantly white.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
I would uninvited her. NTA
Your mother is a narcissistic bitch. I doubt you’ll get anywhere with this one. Just tell her she won’t be missed.
NTA. ” Sorry, Mom, but if you can’t wear another color you can’t come. It’s my special day- not yours. You will be forced to leave if you show up in white. “
NTA. Good luck with a mother who thinks like this and goes so far as to tell you the wedding is not about you. Wow, she’s something else. Sounds to me that she needs to make this as much about her as she can.
FWIW, my daughter’s color was lavender, a color that is just not for me, but I proudly wore it for her. It was HER day and HER way, as it should have been.
NTA. Only the bride wears white.
Be warned, however, that even though you told her “no”, she’s going to wear it anyway. So either buy her a dress that you and she both like, or have the MOH standing by with some red wine and a backup outfit for mom.
Tell her to keep her sorry ass home then. Stop being nice and diplomatic
NTA – there is clearly some deep seated issues with your mom if she thinks the wedding should be about “family” and not “the couple” . I wonder if she’s trying to re-live her own wedding or reinvent the day she never got for herself by living vicariously through you. I’d tell her no white and if she shows up in white, expect a bridesmaid with a glass of red wine or a can of spray paint to make sure she doesn’t stay in all white. You can’t just NOT invite your mom in this situation though because your family is going to blame you. Hold your ground on the no white and tell her there will be consequences if she shows up in white.
Tell all the women they can wear their wedding gowns to your wedding. If all the women are in white then your mom won’t stand out.
Tell her is it isn’t white plasteres with some kind of colourful/ floral design she can do one! And that if she shows up in white on your wedding day, she can enjoy it from the car park. You will be sure to make sure someone brings her out a plate of food.
NTA
It’s not a celebration for everyone. Everyone is there to celebrate the bride and groom. She doesn’t need to feel special for a wedding that isn’t hers. Is she always this narcissistic and manipulative?
So let her not come. If this is the hill she wants to die on, I say leave her to the vultures.
I don’t even believe these posts anymore. Fake news
NTA. She’s the one being selfish trying to steal the limelight on your special day. Surely being her daughter is more special than some infantile ownership of a colour. Tell her to grow up or stay away.
It’s not her moment, it’s yours and your future husbands’, she’s being selfish, attention seeking and honestly kinda creepy, when she should be celebrating you and your union with a glad heart. Keep your foot down, on her neck if necessary!
If a grown woman has a special color, she’s a toddler.
NTA. I didn’t even read past the titled.
NTA. Yes you are being controlling and selfish. It is your special day. It is your wedding day so it is all about you and your spouse, not about the family or friends. They are there to honor you, not the other way around. Tell your mother that she can save her dress for her funeral but she can’t threaten you about your own wedding. Let her know that if she shows up wearing a white gown she will be denied admittance and escorted off the property. And let her know that if she tries to sneak into the recession also wearing that white dress, with only serves to make her the center of attention, you will be waiting with a glass of red wine