I’m 24F, oldest of three. My brother (14) is on the spectrum and needs routine and a fair amount of supervision. I love him and we get along well, but I’m not his parent.
I recently moved into a 2-bedroom apartment with a roommate. It’s quiet and my brother likes visiting. Over the last few months, my parents started asking for “a little break” here and there. It went from “can he hang out for an afternoon?” to “we’ll pick him up tomorrow,” to leaving him overnight without asking. One time they texted from the car that they were already on the way, and then didn’t come back until the next day. I had to miss a shift and cover meals.
Last week they asked to make it official: they want to drop him every weekend, Saturday morning to Sunday evening, because they’re “exhausted” and I “have a spare room.” My roommate was gracious about occasional visits, but weekly overnights weren’t what she signed up for, and honestly I can’t reliably supervise around my retail schedule. My brother also has meds and a bedtime routine I can’t always handle.
I told my parents I can do one overnight a month with two weeks’ notice, plus the odd emergency, and I’ll help them look into respite programs (I even pulled a list). They said I’m being selfish and “ableist,” threw in that they paid part of my community college so family should come first, and threatened to “just bring him anyway.” I said if they show up unannounced, I won’t open the door. Now extended family is calling me heartless.
I don’t want to abandon them, but making me the default caregiver every weekend sets a precedent I can’t maintain. It’s unfair to my roommate and my work. Am I the asshole here? How do you set firm boundaries without blowing up the relationship? If you’ve been the older sib in a similar spot (or a parent who found respite), what actually worked?
Also, if they do try to leave him without my consent, what’s a reasonable script to use in the moment that isn’t cruel? I’m open to compromise, but not to becoming a third parent by default. This feels like a trap and it sucks tbh.
Comments
NTA Time to cut the cord!
NTA in any way shape or form! This is appalling! Your parents are legally responsible for your brother’s safety and well-being. You are kind and generous to even arrange a one-a-month overnight. You have a life and a job and a roommate which are not conducive to your taking over their parental duties. They are reprehensible. If other family members are so keen on them dumping him, they can all take a day and night of his care on their time. If they try and drop him off, tell them you will absolutely call CPS on them. Keep any and all communications with regard to this (voice mail, email, texts, etc.). Hugs to you and your brother – and good luck.
I am confused a few days ago you were posting about your marriage and now you just live with a roommate? Is this real? If you have a two bedroom apartment how do you have spare room if you have a roommate?
NTA
You’re not ableist for not being your parents wannabe unpaid respite to your brother.
He is your parent’s responsibility not yours. Be loving but firm and make sure your brother knows you want to spend time with him but every weekend just doesn’t suit.
Frankly if they forcefully leave him your only true threat could be ‘you half a hour (or less, your choice) to grab him and after that I will be calling the police for child abandonment’. Then do it. Call the cops. You can’t leave him alone and frankly you can’t really do much else. And while cruel you basically taking care of a autistic kid is not OK to sign up your unwilling roomate on a annual basis. You may simply need to put your foot down. Hell tell them your lease says you can’t have people over for more than once every 2 weeks at most for a single night and you and your roomate agreed to once a month. BS your way out of it. Lie (not recomended but could work…. maybe) or just call the cops and be done with it.
Also you may need to have a talk and take this a step further if your not wanting to care for him %100 when your parents die. You likely are the only real plan they have for that. If your not ready or ok with that you should probably say so now so at least they have a chance to prepare so your brother doesn’t become a ward of the state. It’s not a kind life always being a state ward.
They have respite programs they can turn to. Them not wanting to is not your problem.
Fake ai post.
You are young and single, you have a right to enjoy yourself, not be a substitute parent for your sibling and giving up every weekend. Your parents are trying to take advantage of you, let them know you are not having it by standing your ground. You also have a female roommate who did not sign on for a second albeit part time room mate. As to your extended family, it is none of their business but they are free to take your brother every weekend.
NTA, tell your parents if they show up unannounced and just leave your brother there you will call the cops for abandonment and do it. As for the relatives getting on to you, ask them why they aren’t helping your parents themselves and asking them when they last took a turn giving your parents a break or even just helping them with stuff and see what they have to say. I say put the responsibility where it belongs by asking all of them the right questions. Ask your parents who gave birth to this brother of yours, it wasn’t you and you are not obligated to be his caretaker or their relief labor force. It is generous of you to offer a scheduled visit but that still involves your housemate, doesn’t it? Is that fair to your housemate? Perhaps your parents should provide a nice hotel for the nights your brother does stay over so your friend isn’t impacted too harshly without some sort of perk for her trouble and agreeing to this arrangement at all. She didn’t have to, did she? The other option is to cut your parents off completely form coming to you home. You make your visits to their house and never agree to sit with your brother so they can run any errands for fear they just won’t return until they are good and ready. Don’t let yourself get into a trap of theirs is what I am saying.
NTA, and this is appalling behavior on the part of your parents. While you clearly love and care for your brother, he is not your responsibility. Your parents need to use the respite care list you put together for them and come up with a real plan for him that doesn’t involve dumping him on you (and your roommate, by default).
NTA
Poor you, you’ve been used your whole life from the people who were supposed to raise you as a free human being. Instead, you’re feeling guilty when you’re trying to leave like a free human being.
All of those family members that are siding with your parents, tell them they can each sign up for a weekend and spend some time with your brother.
Let’s see how many of them step up.
None. The answer will be none.
NTA
Let them hire and pay for a specialized caregiver; they exist. Your parents shouldn’t expect you to sacrifice your life, and you shouldn’t be willing to. Let them pay for the childcare help they want. Tell them to let you live your life. Your (for now) childfree life.
He’s not your child, he’s theirs. They are the only ones responsible for his care. It’s nice that you help out when you can, occasionally, which is nice to do for your family. But taking him on every weekend is a FULL TIME JOB and you know this because people you hire for this service make tons of money for it. You say no, you make it firm, you make it clear that them trying to guilt you is not going to work and is not appropriate.
“I love my brother and I am happy to help very occasionally, with advance warning, like any other family member. But this is your child, not mine. I know you are exhausted, and there are programs designed to give you relief. I will not be doing that for you, because it is a full time job. I do not have permission to move another person into my apartment, even for weekends. I have my own life and asking me to give you full time caretaking work all weekend, every weekend, for free, is insanely inappropriate. Being family does not mean you get to use me to cover YOUR responsibilities for free. You can either accept my occasional help, with advanced warning, or you will get no help at all from me. Those are the options. If you continue to push this, call me names, or talk bad about my decision, I will simply stop helping at all. I’m sorry that things are difficult for you, but I am 22 and just starting my life. If is incredibly selfish of you to try and dump responsibilities on me that I never aksed for, just because you’re tired of them. Too bad. And anyone in our family who wants to call me heartless can be the first ones to volunteer to help you.”
I would cut ALL contact with my family over this. They are trying to take advantage of you and it is NOT okay. You shouldn’t HAVE to help AT ALL unless you want to. Unreal.
Move to a new place far enough that this isn’t practical to “swing by” .. like 2 or 3 hours away. Say nothing and attribute the move to career opportunity.
Or.. plan on babysitting; there’s not going to be a third option because whatever they agree to they’re still going to impose. Good luck. NTA
NTA. Anyone who calls you heartless has now volunteered to babysit your brother .
I am on the spectrum and if he needs quiet they can get him enrolled in programs. They do not need to destroy your relationship with him by leaving him with you.
NTA.
One day – they are going to drop him off and never pick him up.
You do understand that. Right?
You are their “retirement plan”.
“We need respite” will turn into “we should be able to enjoy this time in our lives.”
“How do you set firm boundaries without blowing up the relationship?”
You can’t with your parents because they have been planning this for YEARS.
They have manipulated and connived this involuntary hand over since he was diagnosed.
They will not allow you to set a boundary. They will not stand for that.
YOU are their plan. Your life is already planned out.
You will provide respite and one day the responsibility is all yours.
They don’t care that you have a shared apartment.
They don’t care that you missed a days pay.
The relationship has never been what you thought it was.
They have no respect for you as a person or an adult.
You might as well face that now.
Blowing it up is your only hope for living your own life.
I would lock the door and never allow him back in.
NTA. Give them an inch, they will take a mile. Keep your boundaries in place, if they need respite, then you gave them options. Plus, it sounds like they have plenty of volunteers with all the family that is on their side. Their child is not your responsibility. Doesn’t matter if hes your brother or that you love him or that you love your parents. You are not his parent and have no obligation to watch him. Any time you do watch him, is by your own good graces, and they should be grateful not entitled. If you move anytime soon, dont let them know your new address.
NTA
You are absolutely right so don’t back down now. Stay the course.
Your parents are being manipulative and verbally abusive honestly. It doesn’t matter that they told family. It doesn’t matter they help pay for your community college. You’ve already babysat your brother enough to have paid them back 20 times. Specialized care of someone similar to your brother pays pretty well. Especially in the private sector. So tell your parents at this point you guys are even.
Send out a group chat to all those family members fussing at you. Ask them why it’s their business? And if they want to fuss and argue, then they can volunteer their time to give your parents a break. Your brother is not your child and he’s not your responsibility. And you cannot miss shifts at work specially since you end up having to feed your brother. You do not have the budget to take on a dependent.
NTA stop being home when they call. You’re entitled to a life, it’s not your job to raise your brother
NTA. They’re going to be pissed no matter what. You’ve given them the taste of a break, and they want it regularly.
You need to be firm:
They’re still going to be pissed. Tough noogies. Look into respite care and send them links. You can’t do more than that.
Do NOT open the door if they try to drop him off. If you feel you have to for safety, call CPS immediately and report them. If you can’t get through to CPS, call the police. Warn your parents CLEARLY that this is what will happen.
It’s a trap and you’re not a third parent by default
Your brother’s condition is A LOT for you to handle it properly. You ARE NOT being an “ableist,” because you don’t have enough training to deal with your brother. The ones being absolutely selfish are your parents: their minor son is THEIR responsibility, not yours
If you realize how things have evolved, at first your parents asked “can he hang out for an afternoon?” to “we’ll pick him up tomorrow,” to leaving him overnight without asking. And now they pretend to leave him with you for full weekends. You know where is this going, are you? Since is not recommendable to change routines in people on the spectrum, this will go to “we are leaving him for the full week”, then to the full month and then for good, just not to alter his routine since after you said no, they threatened to “just bring him anyway.”
I am afraid there’s no easy exit of this without blowing up the relationship. Your parent’s have decided THEIR responsibility is now yours, they started the guilt trip already and extended family is calling you “heartless”
The best course of action is insisting on respite care. You just can’t provide the care your brother needs and you’re parents are “exhausted”. So not to fvck up anyone’s life, respite is the answer. That IS NOT BEING HEARTLESS, that called COMMON SENSE and it’s quite useful
NTA
From your roommate’s perspective, even once a month is a lot with a kid.
You’d better define emergencies, though, or soon it will be everything and they will happen all the time.
NTA time for hard boundaries. Don’t let him stay with you because they’re going to forget to pick him up
Tell them if they dump him on you the. You will call child protection. You are past the point where you need to be polite to your parents and your only answer to extended family should be “I’ll let my parents know you will be willing to care for him”
NTA
Maintain your clear boundaries. They sound good.
Tell them, if they drop off your brother unannounced, you’ll call CPS on them for abandonment and abuse. You’re not his parent and not responsible for him. You have your work and your roommate to think about. They need to check out those programs because those programs are great. I had a friend once who’s brother was autistic and he became violent as a teen (increased testosterone) and so he ended up in one of those programs, but 24/7. It was hard on them at first, but he flourished! Truly flourished! He had fun and routine and was learning at the same time.
NTA. Sounds like you need to cut all visits off until they learn boundaries, otherwise you’re going to be in this loop forever. They’re taking advantage and throwing their support back in your face. Awful behaviour from a parent.
NTA
“I will call CPS” is a complete sentence.
Nta
Tell that family that is giving you “help family” lie to take up weekends.
“If we all help as a ‘family’ I’ll take the 1 weekend a month, who is taking the other weekends?”
It always amazing how those who use Family as a reason never help family when asked back.
NTA!!!!
NTA
Obligatory “tell everyone who critiques you, that they are welcome to look after your brother. Nice of them to offer, you’ll gladly tell your parents about their availability”
Your parents chose to have your brother, not you. When having a child, that child being born with some kind of disability or something is always a chance. They needed to account for that when making the decision to have a child. This is the responsibility they chose.
Then there is the issue of compensation. You pay for food, you miss shifts, etc. Have they paid you for any missed shifts yet? There are real costs associated with hosting someone every weekend. Have they paid for your college? Yes, but yet again, they chose to do that.
You need money for rent, for that you need a job, and to keep said job, you can’t be missing shifts without notice.
If they leave your brother with you and you need to go to work, you will call the cops, because you are certainly unable to take care of him while at work. You can’t put your life on hold, for a decision they made 14 years ago.
And if anything, they are ableist and just outright horrible for saying they need a break from their own child.
And if he isn’t in school or something, that is also, again, something they chose.
Also, how are you supposed to have a break and relax, assuming you only work Monday through Friday?
Again, NTA. Only help them to a degree you are actually comfortable with and not a bit more. Also consult your roommate, because presumably you can’t afford rent on your own, so they also have to be on board and comfortable with it
nta, you just say ‘I’m not available this weekend’. you could even text them ahead and say, I’m not available this weekend, and if you come by the door will be locked’ and they have to deal with it, not you.
The next time they drop him off call CPS and report them for neglect, tell them you are an unreliable care giver and will not hold any responsibility for your brother. NTA but your parents are, big time
Fake, today there have been a lot of stories about autistic siblings, ableist brothers and families divided in this sub.
NTA
Call cps when they drop him off again.
When you get these messages, the only response is, ‘what weekend would you like?’.
You need to go low contact with your parents. It’s too bad you offered to watch your brother once a month. Have you ever heard the phrase: “Give them an inch, they will take a mile?” So if they do call and want you to take care of your brother, tell them it’s not convenient for you, and they will have to find someone else. If they show up unannounced, don’t answer your door. If they leave your brother on your doorstep, call the police and child protective services and report them.
NTA you roll the dice when you choose to have children because they can wind up having special needs. Not your problem.
You gave the reasonable script. Reiterate it adding you’ll call the police for abandonment. And do it. They will test you.
Same guest every weekend is probably against your lease. Look. Leave your roommate out, hiss feelings muddy the water. Your parents need to follow your no. They are unreasonable. They’re setting you up to be your brother’s full time carer.
They have been taking advantage for months. You work weekends; you’re in retail. No is a complete sentence.
I’d leave out everything but lease rules and calling the cops.
Every weekend is crazy absolutely not
NTA, remind them you did not ask to be born nor saddled with their responsibility’s . You have a life, you don’t have a child, and you also have siblings. There are also community resources. Ask them if they prefer to fully sever the relationship, and remind them for you this is quite easy to do. For the relatives chiming in ask them what time they can give.
NTA you’re his sibling, not a third parent. They need to figure something else out because that’s bot fair to you.
NTA – You have done too much as it is – that’s why they think they can get away with this. Stick to your guns!
Dear family member, I understand that you believe that family should help each other. Please let my parents know which weekend you are signing up for to take care of my brother. If everyone signs up for one weekend a month, it should all be covered.
ESH. Quit rolling over and taking people’s shit. You’re only feeding the entitlement of others.
If they leave him without consent, call the police and report him abandoned
NTA it’s THEIR kid. They are responsible for him. You have ZERO responsibility for him. You are generous to offer one night a month. Stick to your boundaries on this one or they’ll push you and push you and take advantage of you left and right.
NTA
“I am not his parent. The next time you try to use me like this I will call CPS and tell them you can’t care for your child and abandoned him here without my consent . You are trying to get me kicked out of my apartment by pissing off my roommate. You are trying to get me fired by messing with my work shifts. Find, and pay, a babysitter. And don’t contact me for awhile, I need a break from you and your entitlement.”
And I would make a social media post: To whom it may concern, I am not a parent. I am not able to care for a teenager 13 nights a month for people who don’t even have the decency to ask me or give me a heads up. I do not have a spare room, I have a roommate. And that roommate pays for half the apartment and has gotten extremely unhappy with losing access to the livingroom and her couch this often. I also have a job, and have had to call out of 2 shifts for someone being dropped off “for a few hours” and left for two NIGHTS in a row. I don’t take pay for this, so I lost out on about $150 from that alone. And I have a mark on my record at work now. I am not a mom, I don’t have FMLA protections for this.
If you are extended family and don’t know my situation: shut your mouth. Or step up and do this yourself. Don’t sit on your couch disparaging me for not being an on-call spare mom when I am still just trying to build my life from the ground up. I’m in my 20s, I’m allowed to need my space. I’m allowed to need my work hours. I’m allowed to need respect. “Family helps family” is great and all, until I’m lighting my future and career on fire to warm up 2 parents who are tired of their son. Feel free to take on the load, since you think it is such a small deal.
I will not be babysitting from here on out. I need to mend my relationship with my roommate and my obligations to my boss. “
NTA. It sounds like they’re trying to set you up to be his lifetime caregiver when they’re too old or sick to continue doing it.
I’m not sure where you live or the laws in your municipality, but I’d check if you can involve the police if they drop him off without notice or consent.
NTA all around. Your parents had children and sometimes this is what you get. They need to be the adults and take care of their child, or find reasonable respite like you recommended. Life is tough. You don’t always get a break when you need one.
Besides, them leaving him for two days while you’re working is irresponsible with regards to your brother’s safety. If he needs supervision, they should be making sure it’s provided. Not just dropping him off like an unwanted puppy. When I was a teen, my mother used to run a daycare out of our home for several mentally disabled children, and I helped. I’ve had the experience of caretaking for them, and it can be tiring just for a few hours. I truly feel for your parents. But they are responsible in the end.
As far as a script for an unwanted drop off: you can call the police and report an abandoned child. This will cause some trouble for your parents and may confuse your brother, but it will send the message that you are not his caretaker if things get truly severe. Best of luck navigating this.
NTA, you are 24 and entitled to your own life, they don’t get to dictate your schedule. Once a month is a generous offer, as you are not his parent and need your own down time
They are setting you up to take over long term as they age. I hope you realize this. Now is the time to set a firm boundary. This isn’t your child. You are a 24 y/o that should be doing 24 y/o things…being a caregiver ain’t it!
You’re going to lose your roommate if your parents keep pulling this shit. You are not his caretaker.
NTA. “Mom, Dad, I have a job and cannot miss work to watch Brother. You have already forced that to happen in n the past by dropping him off unexpectedly. I also have a roommate and part of our living arrangements are no regular houseguests.
“While I love you and my brother, I am only available for one overnight every two weeks. If you show up with him unexpectedly again, the door won’t be opened and the police will be called for child abandonment. That may sound harsh to you, but you have left me no other option since you’re willing to put my livelihood at risk, both with my job and keeping a good roommate.”
Another 5 day old account with rage bait stories. Please will someone explain to me what this happens? Is it Reddit doing it to increase traffic
As a parent of 4 neurodiverse kids, say no. You arent the parent so you dont have any obligations here and if you give them an inch they’ll take a mile as the saying goes. It is a trap, they might be looking at you as a caregiver if he needs it later in life and you need to put your foot down. Tell them if they abandon him again you will call the police and report him as abandoned unless you expressly agree to it.
The respite is a much better idea as they will be trained to handle him if he has a meltdown.
They are setting you up to inherit your brother. If they dump him on you and run, call CPS and the police for child abandonment; he’s a minor. You have already offered them the respite-care list, and they waved it off, so they haven’t reached caregiver burnout yet. You’re just cheaper than getting proper help.
NTA They’re planning on eventually leaving him with you permanently; they’ll claim they’re too old or whatever. He’s not your child and you are not responsible for him. You are very smart to nip this in the bud. Stand firm, and also let your parents know which of your extended family think it’s really important to help out family and that they’re willing to help with respite care.
NTA.
You did not sign up to be the caregiver for the children your parents chose to have simply by being born. I feel this way about older children who end up raising their younger siblings in the household and being unpaid childcare and more so when there is neurodivergence and disability involved.
Doesn’t matter that you’re an adult. They signed up for this when they chose to have children. It’s always a possibility that any pregnancy will result in a child who requires lifelong care. Giving them a break once a month is incredibly generous of you.
But they need to look into sustainable programs for support, not force you into a caregiver role.
The first time they said ‘we will pick him up tomorrow’ would have been a hard absolutely not and I’ve of dropped him home.
Explain to your parents that you don’t have a 2 bedroom apartment. You have a ROOM and the other is occupied by your roommate. Your living room isn’t a guest room.
Then explain to them that it is absolutely NOT ablesit to send proper respite services their way. It is the BEST action they as parents can take if they are needing a break as there will be trained staff on hand, activities and socialisation for your brother.
Next time they tell you they are on their way, tell them you are not home, don’t answer the door or take him home when it’s close to his bedtime routine (if he has one).
It’s hard work being the parent of a neurodiverse child. I am one. That doesn’t mean I get to shift the responsibility to someone as and when I see fit. You aren’t obligated to rearrange your weekends to fit what they want.
NTA
NTA. I applaud your patience thus far. Your boundaries are not bad or inappropriate. Don’t be shamed or manipulated into changing them.
Nope, nope, nope!
Yes, others are saying let the extended family pitch in and take.turns letting little brother stay with them fkr a day or two, once every few.months. that way, nobody gets overworked.
Yta to your roommate.
You don’t have a spare room. You have a 2 bedroom with a roommate.
In addition, you are not the parent and they do not get weeke ds off, no matter how hard it is.
NTA but if you are in the US, they should look into Medicaid waiver programs that specifically provides respite. They won’t get every weekend but they might get a day or so a month where a qualified provider can take him for a night. Just dropping him off to where you are missing work or expecting you to take him every weekend so they can have a break is not your responsibility and rude of them. They can hire a sitter a well.
I’d try saying “it would violate my lease and I won’t be able to provide the 1xmonthly and emergency back up care I’m offering if I loose my apartment” You also can’t help if you loose your job.
You’re being as generous as you can. NTA