I (M, 28) lost my dad when I was 20. Every year on his birthday, I take the day off, visit his favorite spot, and spend time reflecting. It’s a personal ritual that helps me cope.
My girlfriend (F, 27) asked me to skip this year’s visit to attend a family brunch with her and her relatives. I said no and explained how important this day is to me. She got upset, saying, “It’s just one day. My family only gets together once a year and it’s rude you won’t join.”
I told her it’s not just any day, but she called me selfish and said I’m choosing a dead person over her.
Since then, she’s been cold and distant. Do I owe her an apology? AITAH?
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Either-Ad9453:
I (M, 28) lost my dad when I was 20. Every year on his birthday, I take the day off, visit his favorite spot, and spend time reflecting. It’s a personal ritual that helps me cope.
My girlfriend (F, 27) asked me to skip this year’s visit to attend a family brunch with her and her relatives. I said no and explained how important this day is to me. She got upset, saying, “It’s just one day. My family only gets together once a year and it’s rude you won’t join.”
I told her it’s not just any day, but she called me selfish and said I’m choosing a dead person over her.
Since then, she’s been cold and distant. Do I owe her an apology? AITAH?
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NTA, dude. Rituals like these are legit important for processing grief. It ain’t about choosing her or your dad, it’s about honoring a personal tradition. She gotta understand that. Stick to your guns, mate. Maybe try explaining it to her again, she might get it. If not, well, might be a 🚩. Peace, bro.
She’s not the girl for you, if she can’t accept and support that you have this special day for your father.
NTA. I have this ritual too, with my grandfather. She’s not ur gurl if she doesn’t understand you.
NTA. This is 10 times more important. My dad is dead and my partner understands that our little rituals and remembrances take priority every year.
This isn’t just “a dead person”. It’s your DAD. Find a more empathetic girlfriend, you deserve one.
You do not owe her an apology. She seems to be quite aware that you do this and how important it is to you. She wanted you to skip it. She did not get her way and she said something she shouldn’t have said. “I’m choosing a dead person over her”. She lacks emotional maturity and seems to be incapable of understanding just how important this is to you. She owes you an apology, you do NOT owe her one.
NTA
Thank her for revealing her true nature and get rid of her
NTA, It’s understandable you want her there, but she must respect this day’s importance to you.
NTA you should reevaluate if this is someone you want to be with, someone who calls you selfish for having one day a year to commemorate your father.
Ive been with my wife for 8 yrs, she lost her mom when she was 15, I make sure she gets the space and time for her to go to a lighthouse each year because that is how she spends her day that was a special thing they did together. Some years i can go with her some years i cant, but each year she gets to do it and i try my best to make sure it happens. My little sister’s bday falls at that time and everyone understands why she doesn’t come to the celebration.
NTA. Honoring your dad’s memory is deeply personal and meaningful. It’s not selfish to keep that tradition. Your girlfriend’s lack of empathy and calling it “just one day” is concerning. You explained your reasons clearly she should respect that.
NTA- grief is like the tide… your partner is TA for pushing you to skip something that helps you… it was fine for her to ask – you may have been ready to change your grief routine- that’s ok too, but if you are not then she never should have pushed and had the hissy fit she did… have a serious conversion her and use whatever information you learn from that conversation to see if you really want to keep that relationship. Good luck 🍀
NTA. Run from her now.
I’d say she’s TA for her presentation. “Choosing a dead person over her” isn’t the way to handle this.
Your no-go days understandably weren’t on their minds when juggling all of the actual blood relatives for a reunion. She was probably very excited to introduce you to the relatives she only sees once a year and disappointed when she realized it wasn’t happening this year. That I get, but she didn’t handle the situation with sensitivity.
If this is the time of year they usually meet, this isn’t a one-off, and it falling on your Dad’s birthday is going to happen somewhat regularly, you’ll have to have a larger conversation. If you’re eachother’s endgame, not meeting everyone she wants you to meet isn’t going to be sustainable long-term.
My friend’s daughter died ten years ago, we, her friends, keep memorial tradition on that day and expect to keep it till the last one standing. This women, your gf, seriously lack empathy. NTA
“My family only gets together once a year… and it’s for brunch”
This can’t be real.
You’re not choosing a dead person over her, you’re choosing to look after yourself before you look after her. That’s the basis of a healthy relationship – if she wants to have one of those, she should respect your space.
This is just the start of her being manipulative. Run.
No. Nta.
NTA and looks like you need a new girlfriend. This one has no empathy at all.
NTA man. I believe that your girlfriend is being selfish by asking to skip something that is really to you.
Your dad gets one day a year, but I’d guarantee her family gets together way more than once, and that she’s ignoring holidays.
Would your Dad want you to miss out on a family brunch with your girlfriend because you’re busy mourning him?
NTA. Your GF sounds like an insensitive asshole.
NTA RUN FROM THAT WOMAN
No way this is real, no way a partner would ever be this dismissive of something like this.
If however it is real, how on earth did you ever get into a relationship with someone who would dare even ask, let alone be annoyed when you refuse?
NTA. You owe her a breakup. She clearly has no respect for your special day. This is a very important day for you and for her to openly disrespect it and then to give you the cold shoulder to boot, nope, she’s gone. This will start to happen every year. Just imagine what she will be like when you have kids. Is that something you wanna deal with for the rest of your life? Do what’s best for you but do not apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong.
NTA
That’s beyond disrespectful. Red flag 🚩!
You owe yourself to honor your dad. You owe yourself to show the soon-to-be ex-gf the door.
You don’t owe her anything and to be honest you are better off without her. It is extremely callous of her to disregard your annual memorial plans and accuse you of being rude for not attending her family’s annual gathering. She’s showing you that this is an unequal partnership. Her family things matter while yours do not.
If she is being cold and distant I would make that permanent and move on. Find someone with an ounce of empathy and live a much happier life!
The only day her family gets together is on or around your dad’s birthday? That means this is going to be an ongoing issue.
NtA. Plan another time for brunch.
NTA! But you’re an idiot if you don’t dump her when she is showing you how much of a selfish person she is.
NTA but your gf is. I would have broken up with her on the spot.
I swear I’ve read a dozen versions of this post.
NTA but…..
Is it not possible to do both? Could you do your morning ritual, go to brunch, then pick up with your reflection?
If her family only gets together once a year, this is a pretty big deal. It’s not like they do it every weekend and you’re skipping one.
Your free time is yours to use as you wish. But when you’re partnered, and later should you have kids, this routine you have may need to be modified at least slightly. Maybe moved a day before or after—most of us adults don’t get to celebrate on the day. Or maybe it’s a half day thing.
I am so sorry you lost your dad especially at such a young age. I understand how important rituals can be. And how big feelings can feel.
So you’re NTA here at all. I just don’t see this all day ritual being sustainable if you choose to have other people in your life.
NTA. I feel like we need to bring back, “can you hear yourself right now?”
She is insensitive and overly self-focused. That’s my nice way of saying she’s a selfish bitch. Dump her. Your dad can never be replaced; she definitely can.
I think it’s a N A H generally but I get pushed to NTA based on her calling you selfish. (ETA: clarity)
I can see why she’s disappointed if her family only gets together one day per year and she wants you to be a part of it. She may be thinking of your future together and wanting to integrate you into her family traditions as well.
You could potentially honour your dad they day before or after his birthday, but that’s your call to make. You wouldn’t be an asshole for saying no, but if you both can’t compromise when you have competing obligations, it’s going to be tough in the future. She can’t really reschedule an annual brunch that already has numerous people invited.
I lost my mother many years ago and try to visit her gravesite on significant days. Some years, it doesn’t work out on the specific day so I go another time. I can still honour her and process it, but sometimes I have to prioritize things happening in the present. It’s definitely tough and I’m sorry you’re part of the dead parent club. It really sucks.
Only the most entitled people will call you selfish for making your own decision and have a boundary that you will not let other people cross. She does not respect you.
NTA, but still. Another day of remembrance would be OK. It doesn’t have to be THAT day to be meaningful, as long as you still do it.
When we lose someone dear, it’s important to remember that it’s still our job to keep on living, and participating in the good things life gives you. I feel like your dad would have wanted you to go to that brunch, and then see about him later. Because he would want you to have an abundant life.
NTA, but your GF is. In addition she is immature and selfish and puts her needs before yours. Run for the hills. You deserve better.
Nta, every year I take off work and we have my dad’s fave meal and we talk about him. His death day is still a mess for me and I can’t leave the house without sobbing. You need this grief time. She should tell her family why you won’t be there. If they’re empathetic ppl at all they will chastise her for being like this. If not they’re the red flags that raised her.
not very supportive of you especially if its something you do EVERY year
Run.
Always make time for healing. ❤️🩹
Get a new GF!
Run don’t walk. She’s showing you that you don’t mean anything to her emotionally except for what you can do for her. If she cared she wouldn’t have even asked. NTA
The anniversary of your father’s passing is also only once a year. It’s rude that she expects you to forgo a ritual you have had established for years.
Info: is it her bday that day as well?
I’ve seen this story before.
Do you think he’d encourage you to go to this brunch with a person you care about?
I’d wager most parents would want their children to live their life to the fullest and not focus on them. Going the day before or after doesn’t change anything.
NTA I’d ask you, but if you told me it was an important thing I wouldn’t question it.
My hubby’s dad died on Dec 26th over 20 years ago and he goes to the cemetery, then goes to the pub for 1 or 2 drinks in his honour.
I’ve rearranged meet ups or left events early (especially with it being the Christmas period) and every year he goes and if we get asked, I’ve turned things down because that’s the day he honours his dad.
It’s basic respect, you don’t have to earn it.
NTA. I do the exact same thing on the anniversary of my brothers death and his birthday.
I drive into the mountains where I put half of his ashes (his son put his half elsewhere).
I do nothing for anyone on those days but me.
If she doesn’t like it, see ya
NTA for refusing YTA for dating this type of person
NTA. It does not really matter what your ex-GF thinks anymore.
Hot take: get a new girlfriend. This one is the selfish model.
Ask your girl to come along. Share with her your memories of your Dad. Ask her to put herself in your situation.
How’s your relationship with her Parents?
Nta. She just showed you who she is. Believe her and find someone else.
You are NTA. My husband lost his sibling to gun violence when he was a teen. Every year on their birthday and on the anniversary of their death I join him (and his family if we are nearby) in remembering them through different memorial traditions. I would never dream of demanding he skip them to join me in something else.
NTA but you need to rethink your relationship. If your girlfriend is going to behave like this over a ‘dead person’ who happens to be your father, how will she behave on important life events.
It was not rude of you not to go to her family brunch and you were not stopping her from attending. Your girlfriend was rude and selfish!
Possible red flags. 🚩🚩🚩
This is most likely fake, but if it’s real, NTA. Compromise. Go to the brunch & then to the cemetery. It’s not like brunch lasts all day. If she still doesn’t get it, dump her.
You are totally not! Her family and her need to respect that!
That is a huge red flag my friend. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I can truly relate. I lost my dad very suddenly about 5 years ago and I also have a ritual of going out to get a steak dinner with my family in memory of him. Nothing and no one will ever change that day and how I go about it. My friends always understand and are very supportive. There’s been times where they invited me to do things on that day and I politely decline and remind them why. I get nothing but support from them as it should be. Your GF sounds really immature for not understanding and having no compassion.
NTA she owes you an apology.
Your GF just let you know that your traditions don’t matter. NTA
NTA. She doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.
NTA. Dump her
so her family is important to her and your’s can’t be to you?
you give up a ritual like that for you not for a family who can only be bothered to get together once a year.
Remember if you’re looking to make any kind of relationship with her these are the family values she is accustomed to
Is it possible to do both? Shortened version of both?
YTA. She’s right. You could do the ritual a few hours earlier or later, and still been there for the brunch.
Your father (RIP) would not want you to prioritize him over your living relations or partner. You have to move on.
Yikes, she called your dad some dead person. That’s cold.
Whether you actually promised or not, rituals are a kind of promise. She’s asking you to break it. I wouldn’t trust her.
This is a taste of the future with her. You don’t matter to her.
NTA. Her family gets to get together every year and there will be other chances. You don’t get to do that with your dad anymore. If anything she owes YOU an apology.
NTA. My husband skips a lot of my family get togethers. He can’t sit in the car for long distances and has a disability. Not a single person is mad at him and they see him when they can. I bet no one in her family would be mad either. She’s pulling a nasty power trip on you.
Dump her right fucking now.
Seriously man if she was the one for you she’d go to the mat in defence of you doing your ritual.
Is there a significant reason her family get together is on that one date, or is it just a coincidence that this year it happens to fall on your dad’s birthday?
If it’s going to be an ongoing conflict in your relationship, it warrants more discussion on how best to handle it. (And I’m fully on the side of saying that the best way may WELL be that you don’t attend those gatherings and continue with your memorial, since you can presumably meet her family on other occasions)
If this is a one-off coincidence of dates, I think it’s a no brainer than you miss this one family get together on her side for the very valid reason of remembering your father.
NTA
Anyone who could speak the words “you are choosing a dead person over me” sounds shallow as all fuck and genuinely lacking in any human decency and compassion. THINK HARD ON WHAT THAT IS SHOWING YOU ABOUT HER.
NTA, if she doesn’t understand the loss of an important family member, especially a parent, she most certainly isn’t the one for you. As a woman, I’m honestly disgusted with her behavior. You have 100% better options going on out there. I’m also willing to bet if you told her family (if they asked) the problem she has, they won’t be jumping to her defense…
NTA, you could tell her it is your dad’s birthday and there are other days her family could choose for you to be able to join.
NTA. You need to move on. She has no clue nor any respect for you
NTA.
Is she a new girlfriend and she’s never heard of this ritual before? It still doesn’t excuse her lack of empathy, but if this is her first time dealing with this and she wasn’t aware of it, I could give her some grace for not knowing it.
If she did know about it, and her family only gets together once a year, and she wasn’t thoughtful enough to say “I’d really like BF to come, but his father’s birthday/memorial day is that day – could we choose a different weekend?” then it’s very much an AH move on her part to just assume you’re going to drop this memorial ritual to go to brunch with her family.
No, you don’t owe her an apology. I’d tell her that if her family only meets once a year and it’s always going to be around this time, then she’s going to have to accept that sometimes you’re not going to go if family weekend falls on the same date as your dad’s birthday, or she may need to advocate for a date change.
I would also tell her that I’m not doing relationships where we do the silent treatment or get cold and freeze the other person out if we’re disappointed and can’t come to an agreement on something. If she can’t respect the way you grieve and reflect one day a year, then maybe this isn’t going to work out. Maybe someday you will feel like you don’t need this ritual anymore, but that’s for you to decide.
YOUR selfish? This is a test. You give in now and she’ll control you the rest of your time together.
NTA simply put she is a walking red flag 🚩, has zero respect for you and your tradition. She is showing you who she is, believe her
Are the two events in the same area?
Both the visit and the brunch take up the entire day? If not both are TA.
Get rid of her. You deserve better.
I lost my father when I was 12. Now, my daughter is 12. Even though she never met her grandpa, she cries when she thinks of him just from the memories I’ve shared.
That’s the power of love, of connection, of truth passed down. Don’t waste your time on someone who can’t be part of, nor respect, something that real.
Xox!
Your father is dead. There is nothing rude about honoring on his birthday and taking that day for yourself. I’m guessing both of her parents are alive, so even if they only get together once a year, she IS fully able to enjoy them and their company. That is something you can’t do with your dad. Her response is dismissive of your needs and your grief. It is maniuplative and mean-spirited. Is this really a person you want to continue a relationship. Clearly, you’re NTA.
NTA.
Taking time to remember your lost loved ones is a healthy way of coping with their absence, no matter how long it has been, and birthdays are significant dates during which it’s often hard to not think of them. Setting a birthday aside to spend with their memory is very valuable and you’re not unreasonable to put that over sometime else’s significant date – sometimes we have to realise that our partners can’t always be there for everything important to us, your girlfriend can be upset about your absence yeah but should still get that it’s also an important day for you and not hold it against you.
NTA.
NTA. Choose this day over this particular girl. She’s not deserving of you.
Couldn’t you do it the day before or after? You can still do the same memorial process. We move actually birthday celebrations around sometimes so I am not sure I see the harm.
Your girlfriend is the AH.
”My family only gets together once a year” she says to the guy who can never get together with his dad ever again. Classy.
NTA, op. Tell her to check her privilege and realise she’s perfectly capable of going on her own. Otherwise dump her emotionally selfish aah.
She can’t reschedule her thing? I think you go you o your thing and see if you can make it up to her after your thing is done. No NTA
Not a sensitive girl. A selfish one.
NTA
Find a girlfriend that actually respects you.
There’s a big difference between a random dead person and that deceased person being your father. That was a pretty cold comment that she made regardless of the disappointment she was expressing.
Maybe at some point you would compromise that day to do something like that, but I guess with this type of demand being made this way and with this woman, I don’t think that’s going to happen
I told her it’s not just any day, but she called me selfish and said I’m choosing a dead person over her.
Brooooooo…. She sounds insane.
NTA. Wow. You need a better girlfriend.
Eject, you know what is more important to you.
I’m going with NAH. I get why you do your memorial, but it’s been 8 years.
Even if you dump this GF and you meet someone else they may have an event on that date. Other important friends and family may have events on that date. Are you going to ignore everyone else on that day to mourn your dad for the rest of your life?
If that is your plan that’s not healthy.
Is this a repost? I swear I’ve seen this exact post within the past year.
NTA, what a bitch. She’s not the one dude
NTA. This is a lose-lose situation now. If you go to her event, you’ll resent her and your mind will be where it’s supposed to be; at his favourite spot. As you have told her no, she’s now using it against you.
My guess is that this is the first time that you and she have been together on this date, so I’d use this time to look at what you both agree and disagree with. I mean, I get wanting to have my bf come to a family event, but not sulking when hearing his reason why he won’t. That is, unless I truly don’t think it has merit.
Time for a big sit down, to see if you two are compatible. Sorry for your loss. Losing a parent, particularly at your age, is definitely a massive event. She may think you’d be happier coming with her, which is fine. But the cold and distant thing has to be addressed. It’s manipulative and not emotionally mature.
If she doesn’t respect this real personal tradition then she doesn’t respect you and never really will.
NTA
you’re in your twenties so no one is surprised by your selfish entitled bullshit or the self centered twit you’re dating…..
She’s not the one.
NTA. Dump her
NTA
Calling you selfish after making a selfish request that rightfully has been denied by you.
That’s called gaslighting.
If she has no respect regarding your ritual what else is she going to stomp all over?
You have 2 options.
Sit down with her and ask her how she would feel if you did what she did if she realized how effed it is you can work on the relationship boundaries and so on
Break up because that behavior is a major red flag. She sees her needs and wishes as above yours that is unhealthy as hell.
I bet she has more red flags you have ignored because you love her.
Don’t be like me and waste your time with someone who has no respect towards you and your feelings.
I wish you the best.
NTA. I have a ritual too with my mum on her anniversary. My husband supports and respects it and even reminds me when it’s coming up so I can be ready on time.
If she can’t respect how you grieve and how important this is for you, she might not be the one for you. Is she like this about other things too?
Nah man, she was ice cold saying that. I’d be single
NTA. I wish I could do what you do! Unfortunately my dad passed away (in England) during the infamous Jan 6th insurrection in America (where I am).
I’d tell her that you appreciate the invite and hope you can attend next year. Honestly if you had attended the family brunch you would have spent half the time eating and 45% listening to other people. You probably wouldn’t be able to get to know all of them to any degree in that situation.
NTA. This isn’t about you choosing a dead person over her. It is about your mental health and honoring your grief.
I’m a widow and on my first date with my boyfriend he asked how long I’d been widowed. When I replied 18 months he took a deep breath and said, “wow—that’s not very long. There are days you are going to still need to grieve. If we end up dating, on those days just let me know you need your space or let me know what you need.” I knew he was safe for me then.
I have learned that grief is a powerful thing. If not honored it can destroy you.
NTA. You keep your tradition and find a new girlfriend.
I would respond:
“How kind of you to decide that memorializing my father should mean less to me because it doesn’t mean anything to you.”
She’s shown you who she is. There’s 0 compassion.
It’s 30 years for me since I’ve lost my dad and it’s the same.
Nta, and i can’t wait until she hears what her family says about this when she tells them why you’re not there
NTA! and if she isnt respectful of that, run away as far as you can!
As someone who also lost their dad, January 13th will always be my day off also! Take care OP!
NTA
not going to lie, it seems strange her family ONLY gets together once a year & it’s on the one day you have a personal, meaningful tradition spent in solitude?!