I 20f and my boyfriend 22m had a baby 2 weeks ago. It was a very traumatic birth for me and my boyfriend’s mom knows this. Leading up to her yelling at me she would cross boundaries and not listen to a word I said about MY baby and doing things she shouldn’t of been doing with a week old baby (giving her water, kissing her etc). My boyfriend had to go back to work while I was a week postpartum and I was okay with that, we live with his mom and when she got back from taking him to work she came in our room and started screaming at me saying I used her son for a baby and I’m going to leave him soon. She said a lot of other hurtful stuff too but that’s what cut deep. Now I can’t even look at her without hearing those words so I refuse to look at her or speak to her until she apologises but she’s told my boyfriend she isn’t apologising to me and I need to apologise to her. Little more context, me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 2 years and his mom and her family have known me for over 4 years so they know me, his mom knows me well, I genuinely have no idea where this all came from.
But AITAH for refusing to speak to and apologise to my boyfriend’s mom after she yelled at me?
Update: people are asking why we live with his mom etc. He’s always lived with his mom and he cut contact with his dad when he was younger so all he’s known is his mom, I am looking at houses and hopefully will be able to move out next month and I would go to live with my mom in the meantime but if me and my daughter moved in with my mom it would be overcrowded and I’m not sure which situation would be better for us. We do have enough money to give our daughter a good life but we didn’t expect this to happen because before this the situation with me and his mom was completely different. She treated me like I was her own daughter and not an outsider but since I had my daughter it’s like a flip switched. That’s why we were okay with staying here for a few more months while looking at some houses but now that’s all speeding up. My boyfriend is not happy with his mom but also can’t say anything to her directly as she wouldn’t take him to work and we don’t have the spare money for driving lessons or a car as a house is more important and when we move out we have other people to rely on to take him to work until we have the spare money. His mom currently has no interactions with me or my daughter. My daughter is completely healthy she didn’t have much water before I saw and stepped in, I took her to the doctor and it didn’t effect or hurt her (I was not in the room with them when she sorted the water out and put the bottle in her mouth and I deeply regret leaving my daughter with her for even a second)
Comments
This is not a sustainable living situation for you…
I am so sorry you’re dealing with all of this while you are still going through so much. NTA. Are you and your boyfriend having problems? What makes her say theses things.
You’re 20, you just had a baby you can’t afford, and you’re living with someone. Unfortunately you have to put up with his behavior by closing your mouth because you are not able to provide for either your needs or those of your child. Should think before having a child
Move out immediately
Stay in a hotel if you have to
Sounds like she wants control, not connection. You’re NTA at all
NTA… keep your head down and your baby close… Next time your dear MIL says anything about you leaving her son, let her know that so far, she’s the ONLY reason you have for leaving her son….
Do you have family of your own you can stay with until you figure out a better living arrangement?
You need to find somewhere to live. This jealous, reactive behaviour only escalates in most cases. I lived with my MIL after my first son was born and I was pregnant with the second and it got to the point I now have a protection order in place. I divorced her son too. Do not let it get out of hand like I did… address it and find somewhere safe now.
NTA
You are not the AH to your BFs mother but please give some serious thought about not being an AH to yourself and your child.
You have just had a baby with a person who’s mother takes him to work. This is going to make it incredibly difficult for you both to even get out of her house. Are you able to stay with your own family?
Your BF’s mom needs to stay in her lane. You’ve been in a relationship with her son. If you wanted to just get knocked up ( sperm bank or one night stand would have sufficed😉).
Your best bet is to do as you’ve mentioned and get a place on your own( bf can move in if he wants but make sure it’s something you can afford without him) .
You’re not using the man for his money I’m sure( I don’t know many 22 year olds pulling in 6 figures).
As for harmful suggestions like drinking water for a baby under 6 months- that’s water intoxication) . Disregard any advice that goes against your intuition and what a doctor says to do.
Why don’t you just have your own place?
You are NTA but you need to get your own place so you don’t have to put up with her AH behavior. I hope you get your own place soon. Go live either way your family, in the meantime. Good luck.
You need to move out. ASAP.
Save all your dollars so you can move out. Check on subsidized options in your area. And ignore the monster.
NTA.
BF needs to step up and tell his mom to step off. If he can’t do that, then you have a much bigger problem.
Go to your mom’s. It may be crowded, but it’s better than being abused like that! And tell BF that if he doesn’t come with you, then he’s as much a problem as his mother.
YTA if you stay there.
You are 100% correct in not apologizing and not allowing her to treat you that way. Honestly your boyfriend should be really angry at his mother right now.. i would tell her she’s not welcome to have any access to you or your baby right now until she can pull herself together. You’re a boyfriend needs to have your back on this.
What does your boyfriend say. Also if would start recording her (if allowed in your state) so you have proff to protect yourself from her making accusations.
Y’all need to gtfo asap.
I agree you need to get out of there. The postpartum hormones are going to hit if they haven’t already and you don’t need that extra stress.
MOVE OUT.
Have nothing to do with her again.
Talk to a domestic violence organization and they will help you and provide you with resources.
Good luck.
NTA
Life can suck at times. Money can be tight and more. And you have to choose right now. And your BF needs to support you and agree. What is more important, freedom and peace from his mom; or listening to her to have a second hand when needed and free rent?
If it is peace, then you and he find a cheap one bedroom or efficiency. Seek any assistance programs you can to help you and your child. “Hands” in some states offer help learning things for first time parents. WIC gives vouchers for formula and other things for your baby. SNAP can help you get food for yourself, BF, and extra for your child. Your local “Food Stamp” or Family Services office can help you.
But I think you know that being away for peace is the better option. Even if it can lead to some finacial hardships for you and BF. And if BF refuses to support you and go with you… then you KNOW what kind of life long partner he will be and would not be worth of keeping him as such. And I bet he did not cut his father off on his own, but mom had a part to play in it since she acted the way she did to you AND BF….
How do you have money for a house but, not a car?
Why at 22 does he not have a license? This is all new to me. I notice a lot of individuals who are 18-20 who join the military do not have a license. I understand those who are from places that have good public transportation, but it just seems suprising how common that is becoming.
Why did you two decide to have a baby? Your living, family, and financial situations are not ideal. The only victim is the baby.
Do better, please.
Your boyfriend needs driving lessons at 22? I’m just curious how codependent your boyfriend is on his mom
Sounds like she was projecting and she wants to push you away so she can support her son and go for sole custody if you were to leave him. You came between her and what she wants to do with baby so pushing you to a breaking point could be some weird way of her trying to regain control
Go stay with your mother. Get out of that house.
Why does she feel you owe her an apology? Wasn’t she the one yelling the insults?
NTA! But you need to take your baby and leave. An over crowded house is better than a toxic house. Plus it’s only temporary.
If you can go yo your family, please get out now.
His mom is probably angry because she probably feels that this baby will ruin her son’s life/future. With that said her issues are now your problem. If you can move in with your mom temporarily until the two of you find a place to live. His mom might come around in the future.
NTA I would get a hotel or a short term rental like Airbnb. This is way too dangerous. I would record her and play it back in front of her and your boyfriend to share the severity. I don’t know if she realizes what she is saying to you.
NTA for not wanting to speak to the MIL, by why on earth did you have a baby with no where to live and no one knows how to drive or owns a car? You child’s father can’t even get himself to work without his Mom’s help? Serious changes need to happen for your baby to have a stable and healthy environment.
You’re going to be able to afford a house before you can afford a car for your f? Your 22 year old bf who knew you were having a baby didn’t think he might need his own transportation?
I’m so sorry. You don’t have a lot of great people around you or a lot of great options.
I wish you all the best, truly
YTA this is who kids shouldn’t have kids 🤷🏻♀️ it’s your fucking mess deal with it. You shouldn’t have kids until you can afford your own place at a minimum
Honestly I would go to an emergency transition house for women and get tf out of there. No one should be giving your baby anything like that without your consent
Yes ffs….
NTA but it sounds like she may wanna push you out and take care of the baby with just her son alone , even if he doesn’t agree
Move back to your mom’s house until you and your bf can save up to rent your own place. It’s not safe for you and baby with his mom, if she isn’t respecting your boundaries. Next thing she will try is to get more control of the baby. Being overcrowded with your mom is better than being in a mentally abusive situation! Then his mother should have to come to you to see baby.
Your pregnancy and birth process reminded her that those days are over for her and that you and the baby will now be priorities in her son’s life now, not her. She’s flipping out and this is how she is, unhealthily, coping with the stress of the situation. There is nothing you can do, aside from complete submission, to remedy this situation. That probably wouldn’t even work because it’s all in her head.
Sorry but I would rather be in an overcrowded house than live with her.
Overcrowded is better than deranged grandma. I’d stay with your mom. You don’t need drama, aggravation, and someone who is going to do weird things to your newborn.
NTA. Your boyfriend needs to set boundaries with his mom.
You’re worried about the wrong thing. Your focus should solely be on getting out of there.
Okay, so after reading the post and the comments:
This is simple. She’s freaking out because her baaaaby is suddenly all grown and leaving. Must be somebody’s fault! Who to blame? Why, that evil temptress! Guarantee she blames you for him planning to move, and figures if she gets rid of you, he’ll stay.
Watch out for her manufacturing a terrible emergency that will need every dime you have saved to fix. Because if no money, then no move.
I’d call her out. “Hey, Mommy Dearest, you’ve always been so kind and welcoming, and now suddenly you’re talking trash about me and screaming at me – I’m really worried about you. Are you that upset that your grown son wants to start his life with me and our child?” Say it with witnesses, in the sweetest tone of concern you can muster. Odds are she’ll completely melt down, and everyone will get an eyeful. If you’re really lucky, it might even make her realize how badly she’s behaving – although it’s not likely.
NTA
It sounds like honestly you would be safer at your moms. Your child is your #1 priority here and this woman sounds like a danger. If you’re close to your goal of getting a house you won’t be at your mom’s for long. But it could save you a lot of stress. I would do that soonest is my gut reaction to what you have written. Danger danger. ‼️