I’ve been living with my husband’s family for the past year. We moved in after some financial stuff went down lost my job, rent shot up, you know the drill. His family offered us a room, and at first, I was grateful. I told myself it would be temporary. Just a few months until we got back on our feet. But I swear, from day one, it felt like I was walking on glass. His mom? Always had something to say about how I talk, how I dress, how I cook literally everything. One time, I made pasta for everyone, and she straight up threw it out and said, “We don’t eat trash like this.” I laughed it off in front of everyone, but it killed me inside. I cried in the bathroom that night like some teenager. And it wasn’t just her. His sisters would talk about me like I wasn’t even in the room. Whispering, giggling, then pretending nothing happened. Petty stuff. Constant. Never ending. And you know what my husband did? Nothing. Not a word. He’d just tell me, “Babe, just let it go. They’re family.” Like I’m supposed to just sit there and take it? I tried to suck it up. For him. For us. But it started changing me. I got quiet. I didn’t want to leave the room. I stopped talking around them completely just to avoid giving them more ammo. He noticed I was getting withdrawn, and still same line every time “Just let it slide. It’ll blow over.” It didn’t. It got worse. A few nights ago, I finally snapped.
His mom mocked me in front of everyone during dinner, again. I stood up, didn’t even finish my food, and I just said, “I can’t do this anymore.” I told him I was leaving the house. That I’d rather sleep in a motel than stay where I’m not wanted. He followed me out, but instead of comforting me, he got mad. Told me I was overreacting. Said I was being disrespectful to his family. That I should toughen up and stop being so sensitive. I just stared at him. I didn’t even have words. I’m supposed to respect people who tear me down every day? Now he’s barely talking to me. I’m staying with a friend. He keeps texting me stuff like “You left me alone to deal with this mess” and “If you loved me, you’d understand it’s not that serious.” I do love him. That’s what hurts the most. But how can I live like that? How is it okay for me to get torn apart daily while the man I married just watches it happen? So yeah. I left. And I don’t know if I’m going back. Was I wrong for walking away because he wanted me to just deal with it? Aita?
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I’d refuse to stay in the marriage after seeing that.
Do you want the longer version or the shorter version of my response?
If gaslighting was a person
NTA. Why are you still with him?
Fuck him you dont deserve to be abused and no one defend you hes supposed to be your partner not your antagonist know your worth girl get out of this situation
From reading this it sounds like you need to get your feet under you. Do they have any program where you are to get trained in a trade of some type? You need to have your own income, regardless of whether you stay with him or not.
When you get a job, live below your means and save your money like a fiend. If you need to, work 2 jobs. Tell no one what you’re saving, how much, etc. Your goal should be 3 months expenses and work your way up to 1 year that you never touch. I also suggest that you set ‘Do Not Disturb’ on your phone so you’re not constantly talking to him. And I’d consider assigning a silent ring/text tone to his phone number so that you manage him and have some peace. I think you need to focus on you right now.
So, get busy. Go to the unemployment office first thing. Keep your business to yourself. Ask around about opportunities. Talk to your county, any women’s groups, community colleges and get educated for a well paying job. Focus on YOU. Set boundaries and do not allow anyone to overstep them.
One last thing. A woman should ALWAYS protect her health, her womb, her finances, and her PEACE. If you think you don’t deserve this then get counseling yourself. Your future self will thank you.
NAH. This is the sort of problem you face when you can’t financially assert your independence, and rely on other people.
It’s not you, it’s him
>He keeps texting me stuff like “You left me alone to deal with this mess” and “If you loved me, you’d understand it’s not that serious.”
So it’s a non-serious mess? What’s his problem?
He and his family have been nothing but disrespectful. They’re trying to break you, and it’s working.
Refusing to stay in their house is a solid start. Refusing to stay in a marriage where you’re constantly disrespected is the next step.
NTA.
NTA but isn’t he the pot calling the kettle black. If he loved you he would have set boundaries with his family the first time. Any time you have had a conversation it’s been about you accommodating them. He should have been setting boundaries then. They are treating you poorly. When you started to withdraw he had another opportunity to set boundaries that he didn’t take. He’s done nothing about HIS family. Finally it’s too much to take and you’re still the bad guy.
Tell him if he actually loved you he would set boundaries and not allow his family to disrespect you like that. He clearly is the one who doesn’t love you. He’s allowed you to become a withdrawn version of yourself that his family dumps on because he doesn’t have the balls to say or do something. He allows them to do this acting as if it’s not a big deal and you don’t get to get upset or have a response? He expects you to make yourself smaller every time and accommodate them. You’re not allowed to even stand up for yourself or treat them how they’re treating you. This is too long of inaction on his part in my opinion. I would feel resentment and this would require firm boundaries, moving out and counselling or the divorce papers would come out. Don’t accept this or you will for the rest of your life.
Nta. Hes not on your side. He allows the disrespect. Good on you for seeing youre worth more when hes emotionally blackmailing you.
He doesn’t love you. That’s the bottom line. He hasn’t stood up for you once – not a single time. When you had enough, was he concerned about how you felt? No – he was more concerned with how you made him look and how you treated his family. How they continually mistreat you is perfectly acceptable in his mind – you have to “toughen up”. Just you – they can do what they want. This is never going to change. He says conditional things, with nothing for him – it’s all on you. This is not a healthy relationship. Please get out and live your life. NTA
He doesn’t think it’s a big deal because it’s not happening to him.
Family sounds like a bag of assholes.
If he loved you, he would understand it absolutely is that serious.
They are bullying you. They are engaging in verbal and emotional abuse. And your husband is not only letting them, he is verbally attacking you and victim-blaming you for daring to think that being bullied is not okay. At that point, he crosses the line from letting them to actively helping them abuse you.
You need to question whether you should leave the entire marriage, not just the house.
Its not just his family that doesn’t respect you, its him too. He knows they are rude and doesn’t stop it. He knows how they are treating you and expects you to keep taking it. He would rather you be unhappy than push back. I would think about what being in a partnership is supposed to be. You are supposed to put each other first, stand up for each other, and lift each other up. He’s not offering you any of that. Why would you stay with someone who doesn’t care enough to stand up for you?
Husband is toxic. He’s manipulating, as though loving him means abandoning your own self care 🙄 If you loved me, you’d shut the f up and let my family abuse and disrespect you 🤪
Nta.
Your marriage is done.
Get your ducks in a row and divorce
Updateme!
“If you loved me…”
No. No. Hell no. Love is not an excuse to put up with mistreatment or abuse, EVER.
Your husband is supposed to be the person in your corner when the chips are down, not siding with others as he watches you break down.
NTA.
Your husband is a worthless pos for letting them treat you like that
I’ll get worse when you have kids
Think about that.
NTA
NTA. This isn’t a marriage. It’s one stupid little boy allowing his family to bully the woman he vowed to care for.
Do not stay in this mess. Its a joke.
NTA But please recognise the many 🚩🚩🚩🚩 he is actually flapping in your face ! He doesn’t have your back, he thinks it’s ok for his family to treat you how they wish, and to top it all off, he blames you for feeling disrespected, and having the balls to finally stand up and say you’d had enough! Respect and disrespect work both ways. You gave respect, by not being disrespectful to their behavior, they gave disrespect to you. I can tell you now, when one of my husbands family had a go at me when I was crying at my MILs funeral, he took her to one side and very quietly ripped her a new one (just to clarify, hubby and I lived 136 miles away from his Mum, the person in question had never seen me when I was visiting, I stayed for a week with her on several occasions, and I loved her, and her passing saddened me. She actually said… I don’t know why you’re crying, you never even met her! Other family members who I’d met during my visits, also backed me up, but hubby had my back totally) You deserve a husband that will do that for you, not one who basically tells you to deal with it. I know leaving a marriage isn’t easy, and starting again is hard, but looking out on a future of disrespect, and no support, is really not good for your MH, or your soul. You deserve better xx Wishing you much love in whatever you decide to do xx
NTA
Tell him that if he loved you he would shut his mother and sisters and demand they apologise to you.
Don’t go back, find a house you can rent on your own and then if you want to stay with him do it but you have to make him aware that his family is his circus and you are no contact with them.
Stand your ground.
Nta I would strongly consider if you want this to be the rest of your life
Don’t go back, it won’t get better- his family don’t like you.
You need to add a divorce lawyer on your things to do list . This marriage is over.
Tell him you are never coming back and maybe he should ‘marry’ his mother since she is ruling his life. If you go back, they will take it as surrender and it will only get worse. Your husband needs to grow a pair and tell his family that he won’t put up with them insulting his wife. But,sorry, this is your hill to die on. Updateme
Updateme
Big NO you are not wrong. I would do the same when I was living with my MIL, I am sorry your husband did not protect and still holds you emotionally hostage by harassing you in text saying “if you love” along the line. What about him? Did you ask him if he loves you he should have step up and have the balls to tell his mother off/sister.
Yes. You have no kids to consider leave for good until your husband evaluate what was really wrong. He can live in that household because he grew up there, not you. I hope you gain your strength back(inner) one so you can conquer the world again. Pick up your pieces and put it all together, and if your husband is not following you out of that house, you would know the answer of what will happen to your marriage after that. Virtual hugs. I was the same when I was living with MIL, at some point I was suicidal. Updateme
NTA
These people are disrespectful and rude and generally. Go home to
The people that care about you.
NTA and you must know that your “loving” (coward) husband was using you as a “meat shield.” Notice how he whined that you left him to “deal with this mess?”
You “hung on” far longer than most reasonable people! Your in-laws are toxic AF and it’s astonishing that your husband didn’t shut it down immediately but I truly think he thought you both “deserved” the horrible treatment because he’s embarrassed. With THAT family, I’m sure he expected it but was relieved it wasn’t himself that was the focus of their abuse!
Get back on your feet and live your best life WITHOUT the weak-ass manCHILD! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success!
NTA. He revealed his true self, take note. Text back “Don’t be so sensitive.” “Toughen up.” “They’re your family to deal with.” Show him the same support he showed you in all of this.
I don’t think this dude loves you. I would never allow my wife to be in this situation. NTA.
I would be seeing my husband in a whole new light after that!! I am sorry but this will affect your relationship – it already has. You have some thinking to do. I would not be able to stand by and watch my family tear down my partner.
NTA! Your husband sure is and a big one. Your husband should be shutting that BS down and he isn’t. He is part of the problem. Do you really want to put up with that for the rest of your life? Take the trash to the curb where it belongs.
You may love him, but I don’t think he loves you.
If he loved you he wouldn’t let anyone disrespect you. When they disrespect you they also disrespect him and his choices.