My husband and I have been married 3 years. We’ve talked about starting a family but agreed to wait until we were financially stable. Recently, I found out I’m pregnant. I wanted to tell him right away, but then I discovered he’s been hiding a massive credit card debt and hasn’t been making payments on a loan he took out months ago.
When I confronted him, he said he was “handling it” and that telling me would just stress me out. I felt betrayed because we agreed on transparency and planning. I decided not to tell him about the pregnancy yet because I’m scared how he’ll react or if he can support us.
He’s upset and says I’m keeping secrets and not trusting him. But I’m angry he lied first and that he’s still not being open. AITAH for holding back this news until I figure out if he can be honest with me?
Comments
if you haven’t* told him… why is he upset you’re keeping secrets from him? like i’m with you…. til that part because how could he be upset you didn’t tell him…. if you haven’t told him???
edit *haven’t was typed as have originally my bad🥲
It’s bad enough that you’re married to a liar you don’t trust, but you’re going to compound that mistake by bringing a child into the world? Yeah. YTA.
He hid Credit Card debt kinda like how you are hiding a baby? Ya’ll both the AH.
So you’ll just start growing until a child pops out? Grow up. ESH.
He’s keeping secret. He’s deflecting and trying to make you the one to blame for the now discord in your relationship.
Tell him you’re pregnant and moving out. That he needs to settle his accounts or you’re divorcing him because it is financial infidelity what he’s doing.
You don’t want to spend yours and the kids lives wondering when a debt collector will knock…
Has your husband ever shown any signs of self harm or suicidal thoughts?
That whole marriage sounds like a leaking boat 5 miles out of shore.
He has massive debt that he isn’t even paying off, you ‘decided to not have kids till you were financially stable’, but neither of you actually used BC
He lied about his debt and kept it a secret, you are keeping your pregnancy a secret..
One unholy mess
ESH
NTA Right now, you’re scared, I get it. Eventually you are going to have to tell him, but it doesn’t have to be right this minute. Take time to make decisions.
First go and see a lawyer see where you legally stand on the debt & divorce , You maybe legally tied to it because you’re married. Check your credit to make sure he hasn’t taken out debts in YOUR name and completely lock it down so he can’t access it just incase. Get him to do a credit check on himself in front of you, this is just debt he’s admitted to. There maybe more.
You need to decide what you want because once baby is born he will have legal rights which will prevent you from (if in America) moving states.
YTAH so is he. You felt betrayed because he lacked transparency and planning so therefore you retaliate by not being transparent and allowing more time for planning?
Make it make sense. This is not how a marriage works.
ESH
Him for the finances, months of missed payments on a loan already and massive cc debt. And he’s “handling it”?🤣 sure if by that he means doing nothing to remedy the situation by discussing it with you, his wife.
You because what good can possibly come from not telling him you’re expecting? What’s sticking your head in the sand about it and knowing about his finances going to do for anyone?
And how long you gonna stay quiet anyway, like do you think he won’t notice you’re carrying a baby eventually🤣🤷
“WELP. You’ve been keeping secrets and GUESS WHAT? I have too!”
ESH. Please don’t bring a kid isn’t this mess.
Updateme!
Neither of you are mature enough to parent a child.
You’re both AH. He deserves to know because it’s his child. You’re no better than he is if you’re keeping massive secrets from one another, the difference is yours is out of spite.
Poor baby…
Please seek Marital Counselling, if that does not work then get a divorce from each other!
ESH – Except the baby.
You’re both children and your marriage is doomed. I feel sorry for that child.
Esh
YTA keeping a pregnancy from your husband is way more serious than bills he can’t pay. We are talking about an additional human.
You both need to stop lying.
You can take a little while to talk to family, maybe talk to a lawyer to know what your options are. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable, but don’t put off talking to your husband. Few marriages survive lying, huge debts, AND an unplanned baby.
Both of you ATAH. So what is the plan? If you found out that he’s been lying about massive credit card debt, you yourself have been lying about being pregnant because of this debt…. how are you gonna explain to him when it eventually comes out that you’ve been pregnant the whole time and didn’t tell him? One lie doesn’t cancel out another… I’m curious with the statement you made that he’s accusing you of keeping secrets. Which you are…. so if he doesn’t know that your currently pregnant, what is he referencing to when he’s saying you’re keeping secrets? 🤔
He should be up front and transparent no doubt. As a guy I can see how it’s embarrassing to have to tell your wife you’re not able to handle all the obligations. It’s possible he was trying to come up with a plan to make it better. I wouldn’t necessarily call someone who is struggling financially an AH. Granted he should have told you, but I’m thinking he wasn’t doing this to be malicious.
All of these people on here calling for divorce and all should slow down. They both need to work out their marriage and communicate better. OP you need to communicate too. You guys are about to have a child. Nothing makes you grow up more than a child. You two need to grow up together. Don’t automatically hit the divorce button. You guys need to both give your growing family a chance because right now you’re not.
This relationship is doomed…
youre not keeping the baby despite financial difficulties, right…?
this is obviously not a relationship suited for raising a child, and starting off with the knowledge that it might only be you as a parent would make it even more irresponsible if you cant afford a kid on your own either
don’t prioritize spite above the obvious way forward (in case that is what im reading. maybe im just missing details?)
if you have to get the abortion behind his back i wouldnt blame you at all, because anyone telling you to keep the baby in these conditions is immeasurably stupid. you cannot cope or delay with things like this
edit: depending on abortion laws, yes YTA for cutting it closer to the point where that might not be an option – you cant play with time when youre pregnant. relationship issues are a league of seriousness below the consequences of missing the chance to get an abortion.
Two wrongs don’t make a right
Fake post
Maybe not ai. Maybe just somebody manually reworked tan olf post.
Fake
NTA
Buuuuuut (there’s always extra unsolicited advice on reddit):
You aren’t really asking the right question here. He already showed you that you can’t trust him financially and that he hides major debt, then gets upset when you address it. His debt affects you both and he isnt making payments, so he isnt handling it. That’s a huge problem and makes bringing a child into the world very stressful.
The info that’s being missed is: what does telling him later achieve? Are you considering divorce? Are you considering a termination? You have a very limited time during pregnancy to DO anything about this situation. And you aren’t going to magically trust him in that time. In fact, the debt won’t resolve in that time either. So what are you going to DO about it, if you decide you can’t trust him. (P.S.A you do NOT need to share that info here. But you do need to consider it because withholding the info and surprising him with a few months left before a child arrives will create a lot more trouble in your relationship, and if you have no practical reason for it, what are you really achieving).
I wish you luck, OP. This situation is really tough and I am sorry you are going through that.
NTA but how do you expect to raise a family with this lower? You will lose your half of the assets because of his debt. He has a spending problem or he gambles. Either way, it is not going to be a good marriage.
Maybe him finding out you’re pregnant will motivate him to get the finances together. I’ve always heard men say that there is no greater motivation to provide in life than for their child.
So whats the point to keep that info? Are you trying to decide terminate or not?
This makes no sense. He’s an idiot, so you’re being an idiot too. Be mad at him, leave him even. But don’t play stupid games.
Are you both working?
Did your husband say why he got a credit card and a loan out?
There’s no point in hiding a pregnancy, because he’s going to find out eventually, unless you get an abortion.
Get an abortion
Get a divorce
Both of you suck but you more than him. ESH. He sucks because he kept the financial situation truth from you.
You suck because that’s his child too. He has a right to know. Your reason for not telling him, lacks logic, you are only keeping the truth from him out of spite.
Please grow up before the child comes.
The dept isn’t going anywhere too fast, and neither is the baby. Transparency is out the window. Now what.
Please do not hav this child. IT is clear that none of you are ready for it. Just go to a clinic, take care of it then divorce your husband and you will have a better life. When you grow up and you will be ready for a chidl then you have it. Now is the worst time.
If you intend to keep the baby, then your husband has every right to know. It might be your body but it’s still his child.
Why are you still married
You have to tell him eventually. But. Whatever excites you….
I mean you already know that he CAN’T be honest with you. What would he have to do to show he’s changed? I feel like it would take several months?
You will never escape him and his dumb assery if you have THIS baby. That’s the sad truth. He will always be a part of your life and it sounds like a drain on it.
Financial infidelity is like an affair. It’s the same devastation. I’d be reconsidering having a baby with him and staying in the marriage. This will not get better. He should have come out with it already and sat down with you. Now he’s angry you’re not trusting him? Interesting. NTA.
The fuck is wrong with you – obviously tell him. Grow up.
Just know that I’d have said the exact same thing to him too if he was on here asking “AITAH for not telling my wife about my debt.”
You are putting 2 separate issues together. Both of you need better communication. You are not fixing your issues by retaliating on one another. ESH
The pair of you need to grow up and talk. ESH.
Sort yourselves out. You’re about to be parents ffs.
Already, you’re using the child as a weapon.
YTA his TA, you’re both AH’s.
Did you even have the talk about being financially better off because it doesn’t seem like you did? It seems like you ended up pregnant and then spoke about it.
NTA for being disappointed and having trouble trusting your husband. This is not a good foundation for starting a family or even a marriage.
What you do next really depends on whether you want to
A. Keep the baby and raise it with him. Then you should tell him sooner rather than later
B. Keep the baby, but raise it without him. Then you should get advice from a divorce lawyer before talking to him.
C. Get an abortion and a divorce. Then there’s no need to tell him about the pregnancy at all, unless you want to.
D. Get an abortion but stay married. Then you need to think about if your marriage can survive you keeping the pregnancy a secret from him.
You both suck and you need marriage counselling
Tell your husband about it the baby; this is no way to continue your lives. There seems to be a communication problem here and you both need to start working on this; plus other things.
You should terminate the pregnancy because even if through some miraculous turn of events you two manage to stay together which is doubtful it sounds like no child deserves you as parents. I said what I said
You are angry he was lying, so your take is to also lie? What a great and mature way to start a family.
Hiding debt plus a new loan. He has horrible behavior. This isn’t going to change without major intervention.
The fact that he isn’t paying on this new loan makes his behavior way way worse.
I’d leave him. Deal with baby on your own. He will NOT be able to support you financially or emotionally.
Red flags everywhere
YTA two wrongs don‘t make a right.
I feel sorry for the baby.
Not really going to be able to hide it for long are you
You’ll start showing after 3-5 months and at 9 months………….
Think he’s going to find out!!
There are big problems in your relationship, trust, honesty, financial stability. These need sorting out to be sure you have a relationship
Do you really think now is a good time to have a baby????
ESH, do not have a baby with this man!
Oooh that poor still to be born child of yours. Please put them up for adoption, because you and your husband seem like totally unfit, incapable, immature parents. That child won’t stand a chance in life with the two of you as parents.
You sound perfect for each other, honestly.
You didn’t tell him about the pregnancy and he is upset that you didn’t tell him.
Info: why are you keeping it secret? Are you considering divorce and un ringing that bell? Have some therapy first, please. I say Nta for keeping it to yourself until you know what you really want to do with the relationship.
“My husband hid his credit card debt because he thought I’d be upset so you know what I did..? I also hid my pregnancy because I thought he’d be upset.”
No one can convince me both of y’all are over the age of 12.
ESH
Both of you is ESH, shouldn’t be in a relationship
I mean unless you’re planning on having an abortion, he’s going to find out soon either way
INFO: you say you haven’t told him about the pregnancy but also say he’s mad at you for keeping secrets..
So which is it? Have you told him or not? What is he mad at you for?
And both of you are having a kid? How irresponsible are you both!
Both of you need to grow tf up and resolve this.
I feel sorry for your child. Really. Two wrongs don’t make a right. And how long do you think you can hide your pregnancy? In a little time you’ll be showing. Sure, at first you could brush it off as being a little bloated. But at some point you can’t hide it. You’re both acting like children. He did wrong. You’re doing wrong in retaliation. I am not a big fan of abortion unless it’s absolutely necessary (pregnancy threatening the mother’s life, or if a child is raped and then turns out to be pregnant) but I hope you’re going to give your child away for adoption because you both don’t sound fit to have children. There are people out there who would make great parents but can’t conceive. Maybe you should consider that and both mentally grow up first before you decide to raise a child.
This is his baby too… you shouldn’t be keeping that from him! That is irrelevant to the financial situation.
You need to communicate better and make a plan of getting your finances in order and if he doesn’t then give him an ultimatum.
Don’t be a psycho and withhold his child from him.
So you are both keeping secrets from each other. Nice relationship.
You decided not to tell him but he’s accusing you of keeping secrets?
So u’r willing to lower urself to his poor behavior?
Ur in for a pretty bad conversation eventually and u’ll have zero sensible reason for ur silence just like he has zero good reason for keeping u in the dark.
YTA, you’re comparing apples to oranges. What he did was wrong, but what you did is even a bigger wrong. What if he doesn’t want the child? You’re basically risking bringing a child forth where his/her father doesn’t want him/her. You could also help him out financially. It shouldn’t just be a man’s job to take financial care of his family? Maybe get a job?
Also, you’d both be terrible parents.
Why are you reproducing with this man? You have options. They might be pricey but cheaper in the long run.
>Recently, I found out I’m pregnant.
I hate to break it to you, but this doesn’t just magically happen. You both did something that caused this.
You have options. Consider pursuing them..
ESH, to be honest.
These comments are absolutely crazy. So not only is he hiding credit card debt but he recently also took out a loan and isn’t making payments on that either? I would honestly speak to a lawyer and see what are your options before he buries you in debt.
Either he is terrible with money or has some type of addiction. Op is correct in keeping the pregnancy to herself until she figures out her next step. This is a huge breach of trust.
YTA
You are aware that you talk about his child, too?
Money vs A Life if you don’t stop competing with each other you will both lose !
Why has he taking out credit ? Is he gambling ?
You don’t sound like you should be married at all. Marriage isn’t a contest of oneupmanship. ESH
That poor child seems like the adult of the family hasn’t been born yet!
This does not sound like a healthy relationship. BTA
Oh boy, I’ll pray for that kid
You hiding a pregnancy is much worse than him hiding his financial situation. Y’all are both immature and shouldn’t procreate if you like to “keep score” in this relationship. ESH