I (19f) study abroad and haven’t seen my family for a while. I’m a five hour drive away and only come back to my home country when i have a long break from college. A few weeks ago my little sister (15f) called me freaking out, she said that my mother was setting me up with a guy my age who seems really kind and nice.
For your information, it’s a tradition in my family to marry young, but i never wanted to continue this tradition and i was open about it as well. Although i noticed my mother was slightly uncomfortable when i spoke to her about it. The guy she set me up with (20m) is in his third year of college and about to graduate next year, according to my sister he’s studying to become a pilot, no wonder she set me up with him.
I asked to see a picture of him and i kid you not, he’s someone i knew back in high school. There was a guy in my class back in high school who i always knew for being the jerk who always cheats in exams and messes around with girls. Apparently all this time he was “trying to make me jealous” but it never worked. Luckily for me i know a friend of a friend who is really close to him and can expose him in seconds.
I don’t want to marry this guy even if he has a shit load of money, even if he’s a pilot or whatever and at the same time i don’t want to let my own mother down.
So, would i be the asshole if i expose him to my mother and refuse his proposal??.
((Thank you for the advice and support, i’ll speak to my mother tomorrow and i’ll tell her everything, i will also update you guys!!))
Comments
NTA. Girl you’re 19! You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let family pressure you into marrying someone you don’t want to, especially a known cheater.
so in short “you’re being offered to marry a piece of shit and you said no” cmon we cant be serious lol. ofc you’re not the ass
YTA, the message your mom will get is, “wrong guy, but I’m ok with you making my choices”.
You need to send a very different message of, “I told you mom this is not how I’m doing things. I’m saying no to you mom.” Don’t make it about who your mom chose, make it about your mom.
Just say, NO.
Tell your mom the whole story. It’s unlikely she would want to be set up with someone like that if she was in your shoes.
NTA!! – you do what’s best for you, you have a life to live and cannot ruin it at such a young age.
You can refuse a proposal for any reason. And no harm in telling your mother why. But also clarify to her that you have no intention of marrying young, and you do not want her help in setting up dates.
NTA
Girl you’re not the asshole for any of it? Why would you get married to anyone at 19 A., and B. That you’re not in a relationship with or love???? Stand up for yourself please this will not end well
NTA. Tell mom that you have a history with this jerk and you will never marry him.
Who is the broad you are studying?
Why would the guy be in college if he is going to be a pilot? He would be in flight school. And flight school is like a year. Total BS story.
NTA this is literally the kind of thing they’re talking about when they say “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” Don’t ruin your life just to make your mother happy.
NTA. Remember, your mom might be disappointed, but she will be way less disappointed than you tying yourself to his life. You would have to live with him, not her. She can think whatever she wants, say anything, but she will not be living with him.
As your mom, she should want your happiness first and foremost. If she still pushes you after you explain everything, you can bring that fact.
Has she never heard that pilots have a girl in every port? She’d be setting you up for disgrace and divorce. Definitely make his character clear to her AND reaffirm you are not interested in marrying this young. If you want to try and keep her happy just say that you will let her know when YOU are ready to start looking at prospective husbands. It’s very smart of you to make your education your priority, you never want to be fully dependent on a partner for money or purpose. NTA.
You are an independent human who has NO need to get into the weeds with your mom about why this particular partner is unacceptable to you. “No” is a complete sentence.
Commercial pilot’s licenses aren’t given after 4 years of college. And, unfortunately, you’re a couple of generations too late for a pilot being a high earning occupation.
NTA – it is imperative that you expose him to your mother. Any excuse you give other than the absolute truth will be met with…He’s changed. He’s grown up. He didn’t mean it.
She will dig in harder and harder. So you have to go all out. Do NOT be nice about it.
If you give her even an inch she will continue looking for you. Shut it down now. A little hurt feelings now will be way better than a surprise wedding later.
I think you should both expose him and have a sensible talk with your mother if possible and say thanks but no thanks permanently in this area.
NTA. Your life would be a living hell married to this man. If your mother attempts to set you up with him even after learning what you know, you should flat out refuse to meet with him, period.
I would also ask your parents to stipulate in writing that you will be allowed to complete your university degree before having to meet potential suitors. That way they cannot hold the threat of tuition nonpayment over your head as a means to force you to marry.
NTA. Expose him, then admonition your parents for not respecting your choice. Tell them that this is what happens when they ignore your wishes: Womanizing creeps happen.
NTA x a zillion! It is your life and you get to decide.
NTAH
Tell your mom you’re rejecting him due to you knowing the guy will be unfaithful and untrustworthy due to his history.
Your mom can keep looking if she wants but this “suitor” is a hard pass.
I think it depends on which country you’re from and what is expected of young women where your from as to how you handle it. I think you should let your mother know as much as you know about him. Then explain to her your reasons why you don’t want to marry him or someone else at this time. You might mention that you want to wait until you graduate to give your mother an excuse to not to continue to try to set you up.
Girl, you are between a rock & and a hard place. If you accept the proposal, YOU will be miserable as hell, until you divorce. If you say no, then you are letting your mom down.
I know what I would choose, in a heartbeat. No. Your mom will get over it.
NTA
NTAH. I’d tell mom I’m not coming back until you stop this nonsense. And go as LC as you can. Your life, your choices.
NTA. You have to be careful around your mother.
Become financially independent as soon as possible.
She won’t stop trying to shove an arranged marriage down your throat.
I know parents like that. The only thing they care is what other people (aunties, neighbours, ect.) will think. Then she will turn on your sister.
They honestly don’t care if your happy or safe as long as you keep the facade. These people think that being unmarried is shameful but if you are beaten, abused and given STDs is ok as long as everyone knows but pretends not to know. It’s honestly sickening how parents can do that to their children.
Moms from Eastern Europe and South Asia are very controlling and still want to do that because they have been doing so for thousands of years. Even here in the US families from those places still try to do that. You are your own person, but expect fights and hard feelings from your mom and maybe even threats of cutting off financial support!
Girl, you’re dodging a whole red flag factory. Your mom might be disappointed now, but imagine her disappointment if you ended up with a cheating, lying pilot. Stay strong, set your boundaries, and live YOUR life, not hers!
NTA. Like, not even slightly. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what direction you’d like to take in life. You’re still so young and have your entire life ahead of you. Getting married at your age could torpedo your entire trajectory….not to mention that you’re perfectly capable of finding your husband in your own time (if you even want to marry it’s not like it’s imperative). I’m not bad mouthing any culture here but I just don’t get the whole arranged marriage thing at this day in age. You’re going to college to get a degree and to make sure you have a career that’s capable of sustaining you. You don’t need a husband/wife to achieve that. Especially one that sounds as smarmy as he does.
You’re an adult and going to college… you’re old enough to tell your mom to knock off with the set ups or perhaps it’s best you don’t visit home at all
NTAH – You don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Expose him to her. It’s the only way she will drop this nonsense. You have lots of time to marry for love. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Nooooooooooo
I listen to my parents when they have an opinion about something. Then I decide if their opinion is relevant. What I don’t do is blindly obey my parents because I’m worried about looking like an asshole because of some weak ‘in my culture’ excuse. I guarantee you that the men ‘in your culture’ are operating under far fewer parental rules and regulations than you are.
Don’t worry about exposing him to your mother. Tell her (1) I will find my own dates and will not be going on any dates you arrange; and (2) I will not be getting married until I am at least 25. Stop pushing me. I’m not interested in being a child bride.
NTA.
What’s more important to you? Not letting your mother down or not letting yourself down? Would you honestly marry someone you know is a liar and is likely to cheat on you? Would you marry someone you have no respect for?
Just tell your mother what you know and remind her to stop searching for a husband for you. And watch your sister carefully because your mother might try to marry her off to this bellend in a couple of years.
” i don’t want to let my own mother down.”
Her expectations are not something you have to live up to or down to.
She will be letting you down if she forces this.
You have to tell her you don’t want to marry him because he is a liar and cheat.
And you don’t want to marry anyone else because you want to graduate and make a life for yourself.
Where is your father?
NTA
NTA. Expose him. I love when AH bullies like him get karma served to them!
Your chances of this happening are still crazy high in an arranged marriage. It could just be from someone else.