So just as some background, me and my girlfriend (both 19) have been dating for 2 years. Our sex life was pretty active within the first year or so, but so far we have not had sex or had any degree of intimate touching (like hugging, making out, other stuff) for the past 9-10 months or so.
I have a very high libido, so sometimes it frustrates me that I can’t have that intimacy with another person, but ultimately I get over it and don’t let my desires make my girlfriend feel bad about it. The other day, she was goofing around with me, and dropped in the middle of it that “hey maybe we should have sex, we haven’t done it in a little bit”, and I rejected her offer.
If I’m being entirely honest, I felt like total apathy when she offered it. She was surprised by my answer and I basically told her that if we are to have sex, I want it to be consistent and fueled by like actual desire and attraction, as opposed to something we do every year or so as just a funny little casual thing to where she giggles and goofs around during it.
She is now upset at me, and thinks that I’m trying to punish her for not having sex with me. This was not my intention at all though. It’s just that it had been so long, that I think if we are to have sex, then it should be actually intimate and loving as opposed to silly and casual.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been in a similar situation before, so I’d love to know, am I really an asshole here?
Comments
Sounds like you two like different kinds of sex.
She wants fun, easy going, low pressure sex and you want romantic, intimate sex.
Maybe you’re just not compatible.
yes, YTA. you are staying in a relationship with her despite being sexually unsatisfied only to use withholding sex as a punishment for her general lack of libido when she finally does finally get fire in the furnace.
NTA. She may be going through something. She may have reeled you in with a lot of sex but she herself may not very interested in it. she may have had something cause a significant dropping her libido. Whatever the reason is it is completely understandable for someone at your young age. Enjoy and desire intimacy with your partner. It doesn’t sound like that you’ve been making her feel bad or trying to force her to do something that she doesn’t want to do, You just want to connected in that way with your gf. You may find that unfortunately you two are not/no longer sexually compatible. I don’t know any if you can come to some kind of understanding or repair this part of your relationship through open and honest communication but I will say that long term sexual incompatibility is a perfectly acceptable reason to end a relationship.
“She is now upset at me, and thinks that I’m trying to punish her for not having sex with me”
typical victim role reverse kinda thing paired with assumingnation and even little gaslighting.
i played that game for 4 years after 8years of relationship and it didnt get better, tried everything and any advice even other women gave that i thought are weird, turned out they are surprise surprise.
once you have a feeling its a chore for the other person, from any side its basically over, even neurological and physiological wise. since youre that young anyway i would advise to just move on, since now she knows all about you, her libido doesnt want to reproduce anymore (my theory about this subject, even if unconciouss).
NTA imo.
YTA. Sex is not everything. Look at the points why u stayed in this relationship and what made you fall in love with her. Get involved in her activities. Let it be her way. Eventually, she will also come around. Don’t push. It is obvious to think that u r mad at her because u r not getting sex.
NTA. Why are you even still with her? It’s never going to work. Only a year in and already not having sex?? Leave her and find someone more compatible
NTA. Sex is important and if the two of you aren’t sexually compatible then it certainly can be a dealbreaker.
YTA, to yourself when a dead bedroom has the chance to not be a dead bedroom anymore and you don’t jump at the chance it seems like you don’t find her sexually attractive anymore. It seems like you are sexually incapable. The resentment will eventually break yall up because now that you said no she’s going to do what she accused you of doing. And ramp up her saying no to punish you
I think you both need to sit down and talk to each other about what sex means to you and what level of importance it has for each of you. This way, you can find a common ground and work on your sex life so you can both feel fulfilled.
If your views do not align and you both feel that you can’t find that common ground, you may not be compatible. NTA.
NTA, but her side is also not wrong you both have talk about how your sexual drives are high and her casual acts around this don’t make you feel wanted and see how she answers cause except this it seems like your relationship is solid..!!!
YWBTA if you stay in this relationship, you’re not compatible and neither of you are willing to bridge the gap to try and understand the other
Bro, break up with her, you’re both 19
NTA sounds like y’all should break up because she sounds like she want causal,one night stand type of sex and you want romantic, constant sex.
I think you could either try work out something like sex once a week or break up because while sex is not everything not hugging and kissing is kinda weird
before i give advice, i feel like i need more context- has her libido changed because of something like birth control, medication, mental health? there are so many things that affect libido especially for women, and sometimes it has nothing to do with you or the relationship at all. i think it would be healthy for you both to have a really open convo about what you each need sexually and emotionally.
that being said, i don’t think you’re in the wrong for how you felt. you weren’t trying to punish her- it sounds like you were protecting yourself from having sex that feels inconsistent or disconnected. wanting real intimacy, not just random hookup energy once a year, is totally valid. especially if you felt like it wasn’t coming from genuine desire.
but i also wouldn’t jump to blaming her like a lot of the replies are doing. a lot of them sound like men who just don’t understand how sex works differently for women. and honestly? sometimes people are just sexually incompatible. sometimes one person wants it more than the other- and no one’s the villain for that. it just sucks.
at the end of the day, this doesn’t sound like a “who’s the asshole” situation- it sounds like a relationship where needs haven’t been met for a while, and now there’s a lot of hurt built up on both sides.
You haven’t hugged each other for 10 months?? What are you even doing?
You have inadvertently transitioned into being buddies and not a romantic couple. You probably just to acknowledge that and act accordingly.
She’s about to find out, without fucking (around) first.
Bro, it sounds as plain as her attraction for you died and your’s died in response, as any guy would expect. Is there more to the story? I assume that you two sleep in the same bed, but just lay there separately now and have been for a while. Has she been hostile to you during this time or just distant? If she’s been really hostile and consistent with it, then she’s probably getting banged by some other jerk off or has been wanting that.
NTA.
I was in a similar situation…. But after ten years of marriage!!! And certainly NOT at 19 years old!
Although a relationship should not be strictly based on sex, it is still a very important part of a healthy relationship. She might be dealing with some trauma or health problem that she’s not telling you about. If you’re dealing with midlife sexual crisis as a teenager, then maybe it’s best for you to get out now.
You are gay
NTA. The “best case” is that you two aren’t sexually compatible. It’s also a red flag that she doesn’t see any problem with rejecting you BUT has a big problem with you rejecting her.
My question is, why haven’t you said anything to her? 9-10 months and you didn’t ask her wtf was up?
Leave.
YWBTA if you only rejected her because of her rejecting you in the past. But you clearly stated that you wanted it out of actual desire. So NTA. You need to ask yourself if you’re actually fulfilled in this relationship and not just staying out of habit/comfort. You’re both young and deserve REAL happiness. Youth doesn’t last long..
NTA
Definitely something going on (or not going on) here. Have you sat down and had a serious conversation with her about it? If you still love her and you’re willing to work through it with her, I’d recommend you do.
Don’t make her feel guilty…don’t blame…use “I feel” sentences, like “I feel when we don’t have any kind of physical touch (like holding hands, cuddling, making out, etc)”
Another thing you can do is look into the 5 Love Languages together. There’s a free quiz you can take on their website. It’s possible you have different ways that you each like to give & receive love. The premise of the book is that most of us tend to give love in the way we’d like to receive love…but our partner might not respond to the way we’re giving it. If we can learn what each other’s love language is, and make sure we’re each giving what our partner wants, our relationship will become stronger.
Looking back, this was an issue with my ex and I (one of many). He had a high libido as well & I suspect the quiz would say he’s someone who needed “physical touch”. I needed “quality time” & “acts of service”. If my needs weren’t being met, I was unhappy and felt unloved…and therefore had zero interest in being intimate. (of course the fact that he was also emotionally and verbally abusive didn’t help matters either!)
Anyway, it’s definitely worth looking into & giving it a try.
https://5lovelanguages.com
Good luck!
Break up that unhealthy relationship especially after her not understanding after you understood her
You have grown apart; you aren’t communicating successfully, neither of you seems happy, the no-sex is the red flag that is bringing these other issues to your attention. I suggest you both need to find someone more compatible.
Why are you 19 at peak of your youth wasting your life away with a girl you don’t even hug, kiss or have sex? She is possibly on the spectrum on A-sexuality and only wants sex on her terms, isn’t attracted to you or is hiding something from you with her health.
Its a straight up lie for her to say she has a high libido but is to lazy to actually do anything, you guys don’t live together so she should be jumping your bones when you do see each other. Beyond even that why haven’t you questioned in the whole 10 months that you guys don’t do hug, kiss etc… that’s not a relationship you’re just friends.
When she asked that question, it would have been a great time to bring up the fact that you haven’t had intimacy in so long. Ask her why. Let her reveal what she’s thinking first.
Move forward based on her answers.
You don’t mention if she rejected your advances previously. This is vital missing info. If she has been rejecting your advances, why?
Typically when they reject it due to one of two reasons. Medical issues or she was getting it elsewhere.
You two are not sexually compatible at all. Even if you’re compatible in other areas, resentment is going to build until it eventually destroys your relationship. Much better to end things now before you hate each others’ guts.
You’re way too young to be in this kind of situation. Just break up and find someone more compatible. You both will be much happier after a few months.
You do not have a high libido. No man with a high libido would stick around a completely dead bedroom with a girlfriend for a year.
You haven’t been intimate… that doesn’t mean she hasn’t either.
ESH – Unless something wasn’t mentioned, neither of you are communicating and that’s the biggest problem here. My husband and I have gone months without penetrative intercourse due to medical issues (tmi but I had tumors crushing my uterus and literally not even a tampon could be wedged up there) plus he has a significantly higher libido than me, but we communicated with each other and found ways around it.
If you guys were planning on having no sex from the beginning, for whatever reason (religious reasons, an asexual couple, etc.), but it seems like this came out of the blue for her.
I am in a relationship myself (been together for almost 3 years), and we don’t have sex for personal reasons. We had mutually agreed on this from the beginning (we had a talk about 4 months into our dating). It can definitely be frustrating; we are only human, and we love one another, so it’s natural. However, for your partner to go around and not hug or kiss you or do anything without explanation, and then come back and say, ‘Hey, let’s do it,’ after a year of nothing. Bro, be fr… Is that someone you want to be with in the long run?
Honestly, going forward, I would try to have a sit-down conversation with her where you both have the time to talk and you don’t feel rushed. The goal is to discuss why she hung you out to dry for almost a year, and also if ya’ll still want to be together. Ofc it won’t be a fun conversation, but it has to be done. You’re young and you have your whole lives ahead of you (I sound so damn old- I’m only a few years older than ya’ll are lol), but from experience, that’s what I would do…
Best of luck! It’ll all work out the way it is supposed to!
She offered sex but you thought it a better idea to teach her a lesson? Well done.
Just move the hell on
Dang you guys take these threads so seriously
NTA. Men aren’t horny sex machines all the time- we have things that make us not want sex too.
And one of those things is constant rejection. Not just because of the rejection itself, but because of scarcity- a man can get used to not having sex, it sounds like you have. But if you have sex inconsistently, you don’t have the chance to get used to not having it.
One reality that most guys don’t realize until they’ve experienced both no sex, high sex, and in between: occasional sex is NOT better than no sex. It sounds like you’ve reached the point in your dry spell where you no longer miss sex, and doing it now just means that the next however many months without sex would suck that much more, because you would start to miss it again.
There are two choices
1: Have sex again, resulting in one night of fun, and months of blueballs
2: not have sex, resulting in a night that’s the same as every other night the past year, followed by more of the same.
Personally I’ve reached that point a few times before. You can come back from it, but… Do you even want to?
19 years old, almost a year without sex after having done it at least once? Guys, you need to break up.
Jfc you’re both under 20, just call it and move onto someone else in that age range who’ll screw your brains out.
Honestly, mismatched sex drive is a common cause for divorce that people get all butt hurt when you talk about.
It causes the person with the higher sex drive to feel unwanted over time, and to begin to resent the other.
It may seem kind of cold…but the reality is that you guys are really young, there is essentially 0 chance that she is the one dude. You are going to change as a person more between 19 and 25 than you did from 14 to 19.
Take this as a “better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all” and learn from your experience, then move on.
Make sure when you are in a relationship with someone, you guys are on the same page in terms of sex drive.
You haven’t kissed in 10 months? You are friends at this point, not in a relationship.
If your having these issues now, you two don’t stand a chance
It sounds like you didn’t get over it.
How are you still in this relationship… you’re young, find someone you’re sexually compatible with. You’ll be much happier. Promise.
future r/divorce poster right here – book it
I get you. Don’t want to do it, enjoy it, desire it again, then be denied over and over. Makes complete sense.
It’s not personal. it’s just hard to maintain sexual urges as is. The last thing a guy wants is it to be done enough to crave, but there is no way to fulfill the craving later.
See, you’re proof why I always tell people done get in a relationship just for sex (which im sure you didn’t) because women just rarely can meet those desires. That’s why they call us perverts so much cause they can’t fathom a 24-hour cycle 🤣
You guys act like acquaintances. Haven’t even HUGGED in nearly a year?!
Break up, hit the gym, lay off socials, go do young and dumb shit with protection. You’re goddamn 19. Way way way too young to put up with a relationship this goddamn dysfunctional
If you stay with this lady, you will be the architect of your own misery.
Why did you wait so long????
I’ve been there, but you–you’re only 19, and you wasted an entire year on this? LEAVE. Don’t take any guilt trips or explanations, just go find someone who genuinely enjoys having sex with you. There are a million excuses for not being intimate with your partner, but if you really have a ‘high libido,’ you’re just torturing yourself for no reason here. Both of you need a better match–and someone who doesn’t lie to you.